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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Needs a mans perspective on AIBU

46 replies

ToddlersRFab · 27/10/2011 21:33

Husband left me and we are trying to sort out access to DS3. (Lots more history but you can read earlier threads if you want background).

He originally wanted 7 day access - but this was picking up DS and taking to nursery and collecting and bringing home most days and then 2 x 2 hour stints on a Sat and Sun. Which I disagree with as he just ends up doing taxi runs etc. And I dont want to see him that often, as we are still emotionally raw.

We went to mediation last week and we agreed 1 x overnight stay during the week Tuesday and 1 x 24 hour overnight every other weekend alternating between a Fri and Sat (his choice for every other weekend not mine), starting in January. Instead of the current 4 days of shorter visits and no overnight stays.

However he has now worked out that the Tuesday interferes with 5 home football matches between now and the end of the season, so wants to change those nights to another. And he wants DS on a Sat night through to Sunday, so it doesn't interfere with his new life. He has always gone to home matches and is a footie fan.

AIBU in expecting him to put DS before football, or is he really being a fucking selfish bastard.

I would like honest opinions from men .....

OP posts:

mayorquimby · 27/10/2011 21:40

Would changing to another night really impose on your life-style?
I don't think he's picking football over his son or being really selfish.
You're organising when he is to have him etc., will there never be a time when you'll ask to change a day or for him to have him an extra day over the weekend so you can go to a wedding/away with friends for the weekend?
If he decides to go to football rather than have his son for the night, yes absolute prick. If however you are at the point where you are only organising your schedule I don't see what's so wrong with saying "oh shit actually wednesday would be better for me, any chance we could change?"

onagar · 27/10/2011 21:44

I'm a man who doesn't even like football, but I realise that to some people it's their main hobby.

From what you have said he doesn't sound too bad about agreeing to changes you suggested so perhaps you could consider working round it for him. Would it be especially difficult?

I'm only going by what you said, but he was willing to do all the back and forth to nursery at first which a lot of dads might have tried to get out of.

natashakaplinkyplop · 27/10/2011 21:45

My dh says he's being a prick.
He's just said any man who puts footie before seeing their children is a selfish bastard.
He's also said could he not take ds to watch the footie with him? Maybe not every week, but once a month or so.

cmgjh · 27/10/2011 21:45

As a man, and a football fan as well, I can honestly say that nothing is more important than my child. If it's a choice between watching football or being with my DD, well, then it's no choice at all - it will always be my daughter. So, as far as I'm concerned, YANBU.

Original poster

ToddlersRFab · 27/10/2011 21:47

Mayor - no it doesnt impose on my life style..... its more that he is unwilling to change his life style for his son.

In my eyes he only wants to see DS when it does not affect him. He can now go out on a Friday night and then football on a Saturday. Then he can fit seeing in his son on Sunday.

And its only every other weekend - although he seems to have changed that to every week if its a Sunday.

OP posts:

SolidGoldVampireBat · 27/10/2011 21:48

How much aggravation is it, really, to change to a different night of the week?
I loathe football and all sports myself, but at the same time being a parent doesn't mean that a person has to give up all their hobbies and interests indefinitely. Are there not likely to be nights/days when you want to pursue a hobby or a social life? If so, it's better to be flexible on your XP's hobbies if you want him to be adaptable to yours.

Kayano · 27/10/2011 21:49

He isn't ditching your son for football IMO

He is only asking the question to change his days around.... At a time you are trying to sort this stuff out is it really so unreasonable? Would it affect you a lot if he changed the day as long as the contact time was the same?

squeakyfreakytoy · 27/10/2011 21:51

I am asking husband (who had 3 kids in previous marriage)

His opinion is, would it really make a difference if it was a Tuesday or Weds, so long as it is one day.. and it seems reasonable enough for him to do the Saturday night too.. it is one of the weekend nights, and will presumably make it easier for you too.

He says he shouldnt put his interests in front of his child, but also shouldnt be expected to give them up either, so he says the compromise seems reasonable to him.

Please note, this is my husbands view, not necessarily mine. :)

Original poster

ToddlersRFab · 27/10/2011 21:52

He did say that DS would come with him when he was older. However he has never taken him to 1 match yet - even though I did offer previously to accompany them.

onagar taking him to nursery is not an issue, as I pass it on the way to work in any case. It means he sees him for 30 mins, of which 10 is spent in the car. I don't really class that as spending time with DS.

OP posts:

mayorquimby · 27/10/2011 21:55

"As a man, and a football fan as well, I can honestly say that nothing is more important than my child. If it's a choice between watching football or being with my DD, well, then it's no choice at all - it will always be my daughter. So, as far as I'm concerned, YANBU."

But it's not as though he is saying either change the night or else I won't be seeing him (which if it is the case, then yes he's an absolute twat). They are at the negotiation stages over access. As far as I can tell, and OP please correct me if I've taken you up wrong, the agreement either is not yet in effect or else it has only recently been agreed upon and come into effect.
If if someone had a reasonably agrreable seperation with someone and the other half (be they male or female) said " I've just realised my x/y/z training/class is going to be on a wednesday this year, I know we agreed the schedule already but any chance we could change it for the season/term" and it didn't impose or effect the others lifestyle or pre-arranged plans they'd most likely say "yes" because the only reason to say no is to point score.
Nobody would say " oh his mother/father is choosing karate/sky-diving/football/pottery over their kids." They're simply trying to arrange their schedule so that they can keep up their past-time.
However this would appear to be a fairly contentious split, and given the info we have gotten I think op is letting that cloud her judgment, but that's just my opinion.
As I said in my original post, if the op in a few months time said "could you actually have him for 2 nights this weekend I've got to go to a wedding and it's in ...." nobody would claim the op is choosing a wedding over her son.

Original poster

ToddlersRFab · 27/10/2011 21:56

Thanks.... I think the general consensus is maybe I should be flexible.

Maybe I am still just too angry and upset to agree to his timetable.

It just feels that he has a nice shiny life, his new shiny partner and wants me to agree to all his requirements to see his son, otherwise he won't see his son as football/partner come first.

OP posts:

mayorquimby · 27/10/2011 22:01

"otherwise he won't see his son as football/partner come first."

If that's the case then twat.
If it's the case that he's simply trying to re-arrange his night because he'll then get to see his son and go to the football, but if you dig your heels in then he'll be seeing your son instead and grumbling about how you're being unreasonable I'd agree with him.

squeakyfreakytoy · 27/10/2011 22:04

I think flexible is the key, on both sides. There are going to be times when there are kids parties, family parties, birthdays etc.. and if you can both be able to work around days so that your son sees his dad, and it works out, then its going to be a lot easier.

It must be bloody hard, and very tempting to use your son as an obstacle, but you really do have to try not to do that if you can.

Original poster

ToddlersRFab · 27/10/2011 22:06

MayorQ - I honestly think he would go to the footie. He has never changed arrangements or missed a match for anything else.

But do I put it to the test, because if I do and he then chooses football over DS. I don't want DS to feel 2nd best, so I would never tell him.

I just feel torn between being flexible and standing my ground.

OP posts:

squeakyfreakytoy · 27/10/2011 22:08

Dont put it to the test. Standing your ground is tempting, but really isnt in your sons best interests, and long term could also blow back at you too.

Original poster

ToddlersRFab · 27/10/2011 22:09

Squeaky am I being unrealistic is saying that I don't want flexibility in access arrangements?

I feel at this moment in time that I want set times and dates agreed and sticked to. He is the one who is changing days and times to suit him.

I would rather make alternative arrangements if I need access changing.

OP posts:

squeakyfreakytoy · 27/10/2011 22:12

I would say, get to an arrangement that you both agree on. If it is one night a week and one night every other weekend, agree on it. Would it really make a huge difference to you if it wasnt a Tuesday in the week? I would suspect not. So dont make it into a battle. Let him have his own way on this one, and it gives you more leverage if things need to change at a later date.

AbbyAbsinthe · 27/10/2011 22:14

Honestly? I think you're being a bit unreasonable. He's only swapping days around, still one in the week & one at the weekend. If it's regular, it really shouldn't matter. I understand why you're pissed off though - it's horribly raw at the beginning, but it will get better. Lots of luck to you.

Original poster

ToddlersRFab · 27/10/2011 22:16

Squeaky - thanks.....

OP posts:

PinsAndNoodles · 27/10/2011 22:17

We have set days but they can be a movable feast, the football thing would piss me off but I'd still do it for the sake of keeping the peace. That way you have the right to ask him to be flexible when you need it.

Original poster

ToddlersRFab · 27/10/2011 22:21

I need to take a deep breath and think about my actions and rise above the crap right now - easier said than done.

OP posts:

Gigondas · 27/10/2011 22:26

Toddlers - dh thinks he is being unreasonable . However I agree with others that being flexible a good thing but I would be something agreed about you being able to change access times if it suit you (ie you want a Saturday) as it should be a two way thing.

SolidGoldVampireBat · 27/10/2011 22:26

I think at the moment you are trying to punish your XP for having dumped you. This is a bad idea, though understandable. It really is better for DC to be flexible and reasonable, unless the other partner is completely unreasonable, and you haven't posted anything to suggest that your XP is abusive or controlling, just that he would like to arrange contact at times that suit him. Unless this is going to clash with arrangements or hobbies of yours, this is not something to make a big fight out of.

squeakyfreakytoy · 27/10/2011 22:29

My stepson and his partner split up when GD was 2.. and I watched them doing battle for 6 months over access and I learnt a lot about how NOT to do it.

They got back together and that was a bloody relief all round.

I hate to say it, but have you thought about how you are going to organise Christmas. It may seem a while off, but it is only a few weeks away. Better to work it out now than have stress nearer the time.

Original poster

ToddlersRFab · 27/10/2011 22:30

Solid - I have always accommodated his football since we met, and especially since DS has been born.

So I feel that now he has left me, why do I still have to accommodate his football when we do not even live together. And why should this affect DS too?

OP posts:

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