Needs a mans perspective on AIBU

[ToddlersRFab]

Husband left me and we are trying to sort out access to DS3. (Lots more history but you can read earlier threads if you want background).

He originally wanted 7 day access - but this was picking up DS and taking to nursery and collecting and bringing home most days and then 2 x 2 hour stints on a Sat and Sun. Which I disagree with as he just ends up doing taxi runs etc. And I dont want to see him that often, as we are still emotionally raw.

We went to mediation last week and we agreed 1 x overnight stay during the week Tuesday and 1 x 24 hour overnight every other weekend alternating between a Fri and Sat (his choice for every other weekend not mine), starting in January. Instead of the current 4 days of shorter visits and no overnight stays.

However he has now worked out that the Tuesday interferes with 5 home football matches between now and the end of the season, so wants to change those nights to another. And he wants DS on a Sat night through to Sunday, so it doesn't interfere with his new life. He has always gone to home matches and is a footie fan.

AIBU in expecting him to put DS before football, or is he really being a fucking selfish bastard.

I would like honest opinions from men .....

I wouldn't change anything. You've already agreed on dates - if you change to what suits him now, he'll be doing it every time it doesn't work for him (he fancies a night out, has a friend coming over, whatever). I say stand your ground - the days have been agreed on, he can't just switch it willynilly everytime he doesn't want to have DS that particular night.
Sorry, not a man though :o.

You've got years ahead of you of dealing with your ex, so it's best to be as amicable as possible.

When we first split something we decided on was that any decisions we made had to be justifiable to the children in the future. So it cut out the pettiness.

Although it's been tough 5 years later, the children see both parents, and can phone when they want and access is very flexible.

But you said it
Wouldn't really affect you and contact time will remain the same, just on a different day?

So I can't see what your problem is with his request? Your last post of now you have broken up why should you accommodate it says to me you are
Only not being so inflexible because of the breakup...

It's only going to be your son that suffers
In the end with that attitude
Imo

Stupid iPhone making
Me write in
Prose again

Kayano - I just wonder how flexible he is going to be.... probably ok as long as his life doesnt change.

He'll probs be
LESS likely to be flexible back for you if you say no now just because you have broken up when it was not a problem before iyswim?

It seems a bit petty and bitter to me

Fair play for taking on what has been said, and there's no way of knowing how flexible or unflexible he may be in future. He may well be a dick in every other instance of life (and perhaps in this one too if we were to know see how he actually acts rather than our interpretation of facts on a screen) you know him better than any of us. But there's certainly a better chance of him being flexible when you do have something on another night where you need him to take him, or perhaps to take him earlier or later in the week to accomodate a holiday or something you have planned, if you yourself are flexible to begin with.
He may still not budge and throw it back in your face, but at least then you'll know you've done all you could to have an ammicable arrangement with regards to access, and if he wants to be the petty fucker in the future that's his choice.
Right now it's your choice whether or not to be petty.

But you haven't said how accommodating his wish to go to football matches and therefore have DS on a different weeknight will actually harm or inconvenience you. It's really coming across as you wanting to stop him enjoying football as a punishment, which is not reasonable.

Unless it becomes excessive you both need to accommodate each others access requirements. Just make sure your marked down in his calendar for the same number of nights / changes of access when you want to do something.

Flexible and reasonable will work best in the long run.

I agree with Kyano - there will come a time when you would like HIM to be flexible to accommodate your lifestyle. It's no big deal, really, is it?

why does he only want 1 overnight and everyother weekend? why are you not sharingcare 50/50? does that not make more sense? he would get to spend far more time with his son and you wouldn't be resentful of him still having his hobbies (as he would have to adjust his life for half the week)and only having ds for 1 night.

If it makes no difference to you which night it is and he wants any night except Tuesday it seems churlish to insist on him having Tuesday.

How would you feel if sometime in the future (and you have years of this ahead of you) you want to do some hobby or class every week on a particular night and he won't change his night to accommodate that because you should be putting DS before whatever your pastime is? It make sense to have a certain degree of flexibility for everyone's sake. I suppose the alternative is to do what the RP would do and get a babysitter on those nights but it would seem better for ds if he could just see his dad on a night he will be in.

At mediation, where we went to specifically sort out access arrangements going forward ................ H asked for every Tuesday and Thursday nights as overnights and then 2 hours on a Saturday morning, and then possibly a couple of hours on a Sunday afternoon.

I said no to the 2 overnights during the week, as I though DS would not know whether he was coming or going, especially when he starts school. And I suggested 24 hours every weekend, starting either Fri 5pm or Sat 5pm. Therefore DS getting a longer period of time with Dad and having a more balanced relationship - ie. not all about having short spurts of time just having fun.

H then said every Tuesday overnight and every other weekend, alternating the days. And a Thursday night coming to my home with DS after nursery doing tea, play bed (I would not come from work / gym until DS was in bed, not ideal with me, but I gave on this). This was agreed at mediation.

Then he had time to consider what he has agreed and he wants to change it as it interferes with his football. I was also upset that he didn't want to have DS overnight every weekend - again because I felt it interfered with his new social life. But he is now saying that he would have him every weekend if its a Sunday morning for 24 hours and take him to nursery / school the next day (again not going to interfere with his social life again).

Yes I probably am being petty to a certain extent, but I really do feel he is putting his son second to himself.

I just feel as though I am going around in circles now.

Think I need some time out and try to reflect on whats best for DS and how it affects all 3 of us.

I am sure it's a lot to take in just now- the main thing is that your DS is happy and well cared for. I think you are right about looking for an arrangement whereby DS gets time with Dad that is more realistic, not just the "fun spurts".

I think also you may have to get in the habit of not getting hacked off with your ex if at all possible in terms of your perception of his priorities because I guarantee you there are going to be times when you need to re-negotiate certain aspects of the arrangement in order to be flexible for both of you. Easier said than done, I know, oh do I know.

Hepcat - I think two words you use sums up how I feel - "hacked off".

I think the thing with flexibility is that I have had to look after DS for the last 3 years pretty much as a single parent in any case (my family live 1.5 hours+ drive away) and not much help from H except in the last year when DS has been easier to communicate with. So I have always relied on myself, therefore I do not want to have to rely on H being flexible for me.

Probably another under lying thought is the fact that I relied on him being my DH for the rest of our lives, and he has let me down with this, so how can I rely on him for anything else EVER.

Hope this makes sense.

ToddlersRFab -H-cat here, sorry, just now done a name change since it occurs to me that I've been posting about my ex recently alot under a name that could well get recognised.

The way you feel? It makes total sense. I have absolutely been where you are and I know exactly how you feel. It really will get better, though the anger about the "shiny new life" still comes up from time to time (I'm feeling it this week while Ex is off on holiday having dropped all the childcare on me.)

The reality is, you almost certainly will need to rely at some point on ex-H being flexible. Especially once you rediscover a little bit of the life that you haven't had for the last 3 years, effectively being a single parent. I know how hard it is to deal with someone who has let you down so badly and even more so to entrust your precious child to someone like that. But your DS needs to have an ongoing relationship with his dad, and unfortunately you are going to have to suck it up and help that happen. You will serve your son well by rising above and not being petty- and you get to keep the moral high ground at the same time.

LuckyRocket (loving the name) I'm sending you a big hug...... and a huge thank you for understanding.

My head tells me you are right..... its my heart that I need to have a chat with to convince.

OP i totally get where you are coming from. it is very easy at the start to want to make things a bit awkward for him. he has caused/is causing you alot of hurt and upset.

i think from your son's point of view it would be better for him that, as you say, he gets to spend time with his dad doing normal parenting stuff rather than just the fun bits. it will build a far better relationship between them. i also think it will be better for you. as you say, at the minute EXH seems to want to be cherry picking the times that suit him best for contact. IMO once you are a parent you are a parent all of the week and that means being prepared to sit in on the weekends, telling your mates you can't make football tonight because your EXW is ill and needs a break from ds, getting up during the night and dealing with a high temp rather than ringing EXW to say you are bringing him home. i understand your concern about thinking ds might not know whether he was coming or going but children adapt really well, especially when both their homes are stable, comfortable, welcoming places to be. your son will enjoy going to both your houses.

i would rethink your position on the two overnights a week. perhaps make them 2 nights together so that he isn't doing one night at mums, one at dad's, one at mum's then back to dad's (although this can and does work very well for some families i know). i think if you knew EXH was having to sacrifice some of his life the same way you do you might feel a bit better about being flexible, and also, he may lern how important it is to be flexible in return once he has experienced the reality of parenting. dont fixate on the football night. consider agreeing a different night because it makes no difference to you. have you thought of looking around and seeing what hobbies or interests are around that you would like to do? perhaps choose one and ask EXP to take ds on the night you do your hobby?

good luck. i know how hard it is when everything is still so raw.

He's not choosing DS over football / hobby, though is he? He's asking to change dates so that he can see DS and go to football. If he was wanting to do football instead of seeing DS I could see a problem.

He sounds like he wants to be as available as possible, to me.

Given you went to mediation, I wouldn't change anything without going back. He sounds like a tosser. If I had only one night in the week with my kid, I wouldn't give a fuck about football.

YANBU, he is trying to break the mediated agreement early on and that is the road to constant faffing with arrangements IMO.