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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To force my teenage step sister to fess up?

38 replies

LittleMilla · 27/10/2011 12:12

We've got a bloody good relationship, even though she's 16 and I am 30. Mum and step dad went away for a few days and she was home alone for one night (I stayed with her last night). Parents think that she had a friend to stay on Tuesday, but I managed to get out of her that her new boyf stayed over instead.

She's insisted nothing naughty went on (she's a virgin). And having met him yesterday, he seems like a nice lad. Parents haven't yet met him, but know about him.

I've told her that she's got to tell mum otherwise I will. But she's having a massive huffy melt down saying that no harm's been done and I need to stay schtum. But I'm cross and don't like to lie to my mum.

Problem is, I know that I did a million times worse at her age. But want to do the 'right' thing.

Thoughts??

OP posts:
OldGreyWassailTest · 27/10/2011 12:15

Your parents haven't asked the question yet. If they do, you say "ask xxxxx". If not, just leave it.

MonstrouslyNarkyPuffin · 27/10/2011 12:15

It's done. Let it go. She's 16. Even if she was having sex with him it's legal.

Trills · 27/10/2011 12:16

YABU

What has she done that is so wrong?

ScaredBear · 27/10/2011 12:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AbsolutelyBloodySpiffing · 27/10/2011 12:17

Will you get extra pocket money off your parents for telling? Yes? Go for it! Sell her out!

Icelollycraving · 27/10/2011 12:17

She is doing what most of us did (or just me?!)
How hard did you have to press her for the info? Maybe she felt she could tell you as a friend? It's all exciting,she sounds sensible & you said her bf seems nice. What good will come of you telling your mum? She won't ever confide in you again. Can't you remember being 16 & in luuuurve? :o

squeakyfreakytoy · 27/10/2011 12:18

She is 16 for gods sakes... would you rather she was sneaking around having sex in the back seat of a car?

You are not her mum, and if you grass her up to her parents, it is unlikely she will feel able to confide in you in the future if she is struggling with anything.

fluffyanimal · 27/10/2011 12:18

If it were me, I would "strongly advise" her to tell your mum and say that if your mum asks, you won't lie, but I would also not volunteer the information unasked. She is 16 and so technically even if she did sleep with him, she hasn't done anything wrong. But it's probably also important to keep in her trust, so that she may continue to confide in you.

Trills · 27/10/2011 12:19

Do you want her to see you as a person she can talk to about things that she can't discuss with your parents?

aldiwhore · 27/10/2011 12:22

Leave it. Dont' tell her parents, its not the 'right thing to do' its for them to find out or for her to admit to, not you to sticky beak.

Whilst I don't think you have to approve or condone it, its not your business to get involved.

I did much MUCH worse as a teen, though stupidity rather than malice, and the times I got away with it were good, and the times I got caught were by my own hand (leaving evidence, gluing ornaments back together badly etc).

You don't have to lie to your mum either, you don't have to mention it at all. OR if your mum presses you deflect by saying its not your place to get involved and that she needs to speak to your ssis.

Your ssis is right here, she's confided in you, and there's been no harm done. EVEN if she had had sex with her boyfriend, so long as they were sensible, they were in a safer place than a park or a bus stop!

If you cannot handle being a confidanté then you must ask your ssis not to confide in you. x

YABU, but I understand your dilemma.

slightlymad72 · 27/10/2011 12:22

YABU, you are not her mother, you are her sister, someone that she should be able to confide in, if you tell her mother or demand that she tells you run the risk of ruining a bloody good relationship. Will it be worth it?

IndigoSunshine · 27/10/2011 12:26

I wouldn't tell your mother, you're not a teen anymore! If you don't live there, there is no need to get involved in 'home politics'.

If your mother asks or suspects, tell her to speak to your step-sister instead of dropping her in it. She is old enough to explain her own actions.

SirHumphreyAppleby · 27/10/2011 12:28

Well she'll never confide in you again, will she?

wigglesrock · 27/10/2011 12:31

But you're her sister not her Mum, she's 16 she had her boyfriend to stay, I thought you were going to say she'd committed a crime. You only know because you "managed to get it out of her". If you had have left well enough alone to begin with, you wouldn't have to lie to your Mum.

pinkdelight · 27/10/2011 12:46

YABU if you tell on her. What would be the point? As you say, you (and I and many others) have done worse at her age and nothing our parents said would have made a jot of difference. What you say to her probably has more impact. But what can you say? It's better that they stayed over at home than they shagged behind the bike sheds or wherever. Just tell her to be careful, trust her judgement and be a good sister.

GuillotinedMaryLacey · 27/10/2011 12:48

I would back off a bit. If you tell or force her to then she'll stop telling you things and it's important that she talks to someone about these things. I'd rather let it go and be kept in her confidence than force her hand and drive her away.

Besides, in the nicest possible way it's not really your business if she's 16.

SolidGoldVampireBat · 27/10/2011 12:50

Mind your own business, you nasty-minded sneak! FFS, what do you hope to acheive by grassing your sister up?

DoesNotGiveAFig · 27/10/2011 12:51

It's not your place to tell or force your sister to.

piprabbit · 27/10/2011 12:51

If she won't tell your mum - then you need to make sure you talk to her about safe sex every time. After that - well it's her call.

She probably thinks she knows it all - you are so ancient that teenagers probably didn't even have sex when you were 16 - how could you possibly understand?

FrankenfruitaLaToot · 27/10/2011 12:52

Agree with other posters - if you tell on her then you're just going to break the trust she has in you and cause all sorts of upset over something which is now in the past.

MrsKwooooHaHaHaAzii · 27/10/2011 12:55

Why would it be 'naughty' if she had sex? She's 16.

And why are you cross? That she lied about having a friend over, but in fact had her boyfriend over? I'd just stay out of it tbh. Nothing will be gained from your telling your parents and you'll just screw up your relationship with her.

She could be with this boyfriend for a month or for years. Just tell her that if you're asked direct, you won't lie. Snitching on her just seems unnecessary though.

MrsKwooooHaHaHaAzii · 27/10/2011 12:56

I mentioned the length of time with this boyfriend because, if she's with him for years, she'll always remember that you caused trouble for them.

Thzumbazombiewitch · 27/10/2011 12:58

Unless your parents ask you directly, it's not really an issue, is it? Or do you feel the need to tell your mum every single thing that goes on in your life (and your sister's)?

And as someone upthread already said, if they do ask you, refer them back to your sister.

pink4ever · 27/10/2011 13:00

Is your name anastasia or griselda?

Original poster
LittleMilla · 27/10/2011 13:02

Thanks for replies. I was completely horrific at her age, and so it's just because it's really unlike her to lie that I feel sad. I don't want to tell mum and want her to tell her - no interest in grassing her up for the sake of it.

She was only 16 in August and is very naiive - went to a small all girls school and just gone off to a mixed college where she's met this boy. Yes, I am very protective of her and problably more so because I was such a tearaway. But as I say, this lad seems OK and so I do believe what she's telling me.

We've got a brilliant relationship and I don't want her to stop confiding in me. Her best friend has been lying to her mum a lot recently and my sis has been VERY judgey about it...so I have let her know how hypocritical she's being.

Think I'll leave it with her that if mum asks me direct, I won't lie. but suggest she's just honest with mum.

OP posts: