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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I know this should be in relationships but DP just left me. I need help.

53 replies

Fatshionista · 27/10/2011 01:17

I sat him down after a few cans and told him we need to talk about our relationship. I left abusive ExH for him and for the last three years have financially supported him as a lone parent working dead end jobs and on some benefit. He's been abusive but promised that was the last time. Because I wouldn't leave our discussion alone he told me I was a bad mother to DD11 months and hurled abuse, slammed doors, tried to push me down the stairs, elbowed me in the ribs, shoved me and told me it was over. He then told me it was over and left with his stuff.

I have DD1 3 awake with me saying "Why are you crying? Has Daddy hit you?".

FUCK. How stupid have I been? If my three year old is picking up on it how bad could it be? FFS. I am such a knob. I need a kicking.

I'm fucked. Please help. The house is my own but I rent from DP's uncle. I can't get back on the council list as I owe them £400 according to them for 'damage to my council flat' ie I failed to take up the carpet I put down. I have my benefits but no job as I got turned down for a job today hence the bottle of wine and no family support.

Fuck fuck fuck.

OP posts:

ledkr · 27/10/2011 08:38

hiya. I would defo get this moved to relationships today-that will give you something to do

You will be fine.You know he's bad for you and dd's and at least you havent had to fight to get him out.

Its great that your mate is coming but in the meantime take it easy. Make a list of what you need to do-benefits etc,and tick them off as you sort it out.
Eat well,sleep watch tv with the girls or do somebaking.Imagine if you had been ill and were feeling better and just recuperating.

It sounds as if you went from one guy to another.I cannot reccomend a period of being alone enough. Its so important to learn to be by yourself,to fill your own time and get to know who you are.

You will be fine.This is a new start for you all,seize it with both hands.

Keep posting on here too,lots of us have been through our own traumas and can offer grest support.

Original poster

Fatshionista · 27/10/2011 08:38

Yes. Practically I have money, a full kitchen of food, shelter. We're sorted as far as I know. It'll be a day of CBeebies and Pixar films but we're safe, the girls are both happy and I'm breaking down in private.

My best friend will be here Saturday morning so it's not too long to wait. I just hope things will be a little more sorted by then. I did a stupid thing and messaged him on Facebook asking him to contact me regarding the children. I'm definitely not ready to see him yet. I'm hoping he contacts online rather than in person right now.

OP posts:

loveglove · 27/10/2011 08:45

Have a hug, you will be ok xxxx

Original poster

Fatshionista · 27/10/2011 09:09

I've moved this to Relationships. Thank you all for getting me through the night. Day 1 has begun.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/10/2011 09:10

Sympathies from me. But this is not the time to be messaging about anything. Even though this man sounds like a complete louse, you'll be vulnerable for the next few days/weeks, anxious about the future & thinking you'd be better off with him back in your life and back in your children's lives. If you get in touch the danger is that you'll allow yourself to be persuaded that what just happened and what's been happening up to now is somehow acceptable.

Put as much time and distance between you as you can. Don't answer your phone to him or seek him out on FB. The longer you can manage before you have to talk to him again, the clearer you'll be thinking. With any luck, he'll sink without trace.... but you'll be OK.

Original poster

Fatshionista · 27/10/2011 09:12

I realised that once I'd sent it. I'm really hoping he doesn't reply, call or pop round soon. I can pack up the rest of his things and have it here ready for him and he can leave his key through the letter box. I have no objections to him seeing his daughters as he is a brilliant father but I'd rather not be around. I think if he saw them here in their house I could go out for coffee and give them some alone time.

I'm thinking about all of this now and I shouldn't be. I can't stop.

OP posts:

HelveticaTheBold · 27/10/2011 09:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Fatshionista · 27/10/2011 09:24

I reported it once before but didn't press charges. He tried to go for a female police officer and they brought his mum and dad round to 'diffuse the situation'. He left for the night and was back the next day. This started 'MIL's hate towards me because apparently my allegations didn't make sense and she thought I was lying.

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HecateGoddessOfTheNight · 27/10/2011 09:37

It is so good that he left.

You went from one abusive relationship - straight into another.

You really really really would benefit from some counselling. You need to know you are worth more than to be with an abusive man.

Someone who hurts you doesn't love you. Please don't love someone who hurts you. You and your child deserve so much more. You deserve to be cherished.

Original poster

Fatshionista · 27/10/2011 09:38

The funny thing is I'm studying to become a counsellor. Damn, I need counselling myself. Irony.

OP posts:

Dawndonna · 27/10/2011 09:44

Yep, you need help, and counselling. You don't need a kicking or crap from your MiL. Report the incident to the police. Change the locks, as soon as you can. Contact the women's refuge, via the police, just for a back up plan.
You can go back on the council list, they will allow you to pay off any debt by adding a small amount to your weekly rent. I know you love him, but if nothing else, think of your dcs. Good luck.

aldiwhore · 27/10/2011 09:45

Good luck Fashionista, all I wanted to say really! Completely agree with Hecate's last post.

During your study to become a counsellor you will be encouraged to have counselling yourself, I only did an introduction course but via it was introduced to some excellent counsellors who were always happy to help a student. Even good counsellors could do with counselling at times.

Wishing you the very best future. You CAN get there. You can put abusive relationships firmly in your past. You can be more happy than you'll believe. Took me a while, but I know! x

HattiFattner · 27/10/2011 09:46

i would report the assault, so that if he comes back and starts being abusive, you will get a fast response from the old bill. Esp as there are kids in the home.

I know that you love him, but ultimately, do you want your DD growing up thinking that this kind of abuse is normal and acceptable part of a relationship? No, I dont think so.

He will not change. And you have a history of staying with abusive men. SO, with your counsellor hat on, you need to figure out what it is in YOU that means you think you deserve this behaviour - is your sense of self worth so low?

Start making plans for a life without him. Get a restraining order if you feel he could be a threat. Tell other people - do not keep this to yourself. The shame is his, not yours. If your friends know, then you can call on them for help. Even if they are sat in the kitchen when he comes around.

Abusers rely on isolating their victims so that their power is absolute. Make sure you have a support network in place that knows whats going on.

HecateGoddessOfTheNight · 27/10/2011 09:46

It is often easier to see other people's situations than to truly see your own for what it is, isn't it?

mummytime · 27/10/2011 09:53

BTW its not uncommon for those training to be counsellors to need counselling (I know of someone who has a big issue with alcohol who is training). Does your counselling course involve some counselling for you?
I would recommend trying to get in touch with Women's aid as they have very good programs for people like you, you really don't want to go down this road again. They can also help you to get practical support. Personally I would also report this to the police, so there is a record of the events, both to protect yourself in future and possibly other women.

Original poster

Fatshionista · 27/10/2011 10:46

I do get counselling via other students on the course during our role play. We will get the option of counselling later on. I'm thinking I need to look in to CBT as person centered probably won't work for me.

I'm going to the shop now to stock up on goodies as I don't plan on leaving the house unless absolutely necessary for a few days.

OP posts:

BupcakesandHaunting · 27/10/2011 11:04

Sweetheart, he is not a brilliant father. Your three year old knows that he abuses you.

I'm relaly sorry if that sounds harsh, I don't mean it to. I just don't think you should be labouring under the misapprehension that he is a good dad because you will always feel like you owe him something. Being a brilliant father doesn't just stop at parenting his children, it encompasses showing their mother some respect too.

MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll · 27/10/2011 11:17

Bless you and I am so sorry you've had a horrible time. Change the locks. You're at the start of a new healthy famiy life....the DDs are young eough to recover and yo sound very strong....you came into the world alone and can manage fine now.
xxx

ImperialBlether · 27/10/2011 11:24

He's a marvellous father, isn't he? What was your three year old daughter's reaction again? Why would she even THINK of saying "Has Daddy hit you"?

I think he should have contact in a contact centre. Tell his MIL the truth about what he's like - when she contradicts you say, "Well that kind of attitude has made him the man he is."

And don't lock yourself away in your house for the next couple of days. Your daughters need normality. Take them to the park every day. Make life as normal as you can for them.

If they see you crying all the time it will really distress them.

BupcakesandHaunting · 27/10/2011 11:35

I agree with ImperialBlether about the not locking yourself away. Don't you dare! It will feel like you are hiding away. Well, you've done nothing to hide away from. No-one is ill or dying. Take your children out, please. Even if it's just to the library and for a cup of coffee and a biscuit.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 27/10/2011 12:37

You don't need a kicking, OP, not at all. It takes courage to face up to things, even if you weren't the person who ended it. Your children will be fine and so will you. They have a good role model in a mother who will not carry on letting somebody abuse her, just remember that.

There's some great practical information that you'll get on Relationships,, maybe also here. You're in shock at the moment - and sleep deprived - all very normal and all very get-overable, and you will and you'll be fine, really.

Best wishes to you.

Original poster

Fatshionista · 27/10/2011 17:53

It's another hour before the DD's go to bed. I'm more logical now but still completely bent out of shape. I feel like a defective wind up toy.

OP posts:

ledkr · 27/10/2011 18:09

You will find this is the worst time for you.God knows why.Its not too bad when they go to bed and you can chill and watch tv. I used to read if the dc let me or phone a friend.

Think of how exciting your future could be without a man to hold you back.

FlangelinaBallerina · 27/10/2011 18:23

Chin up OP. If you haven't gone to the CAB today, I'd go tomorrow. It would be a good idea to get advice about going back on housing list too.

Original poster

Fatshionista · 27/10/2011 18:33

I'm going to the drop in session at CAB tomorrow and I'm off to put my name down for all the housing associations and the council as insurance. Luckily I control my finances and we have had seperate bank accounts.

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