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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To address cards/pressies at baby shower just to the one actually having the babies?

59 replies

designerbaby · 26/10/2011 22:52

Because I'm feeling a bit defensive for DSIL, frankly and would like to make a bit of a point, even if it will probably go unnoticed.

I was lucky enough to have a baby shower thrown for me when I was pregnant with our first DC. It was lovely and I felt very special and enjoyed being made a fuss of and having one last afternoon when it was more or less about me. DH wasn't invited, obviously.

Now DSIL is pregnant with twins via insemination, and is married to her same-sex partner.

I have been invited to THEIR baby shower. And what made it worse us that her oartner's name comes first! This had made me quite cross. DSIL is the one carrying twins. She's the one who feels like a whale. It's HER baby shower, surely... Her DP, while I understand get being there (as she is, after all, a girl!) is, in effect the Dad here...

It just feels that this afternoon should really be all about DSIL, but instead it seems to be about her DP as well/ instead.

She's also uprooting her whole life and moving to the states to be with her DP (who has a couple of months left of a masters and only very sketchy plans thereafter) leaving behind all friends/family/support when 28 weeks pg, because her DP 'likes it there'... But don't get me started on deciding to start a family while living on separate continents...

I just really feel that this ONE THING should be all about her?

Honest opinions please... (like I'd expect anything else on THIS topic Grin.

db
xx

OP posts:
Original poster
designerbaby · 26/10/2011 23:29

Loopy that's dreadful. I'm so sorry... Sad

It does rather put things in perspective.

db
xx

OP posts:
brdgrl · 26/10/2011 23:29

maybe you could do something else just for DP - a day of pampering at a spa, i hear pregnancy massages are awesome (am very sorry i missed out!) - that would make her feel special and would be clearly related to the physical efforts of the pregnancy.

brdgrl · 26/10/2011 23:29

sorry, i meant for DSIL, not DP!

BertieBotts · 27/10/2011 00:26

Ah see now you're including more info which is making it seem a bit different.

I still don't understand why a baby shower is for pampering the expectant mother though - surely they should call it a pregnancy shower, then. And don't people give gifts for the baby? Rather than pampering things for the pregnant woman? I'd hope my DP would want to be involved in that!

Loopy :(

BertieBotts · 27/10/2011 00:27

And Sacre Angry for you and DP. Really some people can be idiots.

worraliberty · 27/10/2011 00:33

Example. DSIL had her 20wk scan this week. She was a but anxious about it. Her mum, (my MIL) is visiting but her DP forbade her from going to the scan because she didn't want anyone else to know the sex of the babies before she did

And you don't totally understand that why? Shock

Put the boot on the other foot for a second. If you were about to become a parent and couldn't go to the scan, would you want anyone else knowing the sex of your baby before you? Confused

SacreLao · 27/10/2011 00:40

Thank you Worral and Bertie :)

I also would not like someone else to know the sex before me / DP and understand completely.

Yes you may like someone there with you but it's a scan not a operation and most people cope quite well with what most people consider an exciting appointment.

HauntedHengshanRoad · 27/10/2011 06:58

She is "in effect the Dad"? What an ignorant thing to say. A father is a male. Your sister's partner is a female. It sounds very much like you disapprove of this relationship and are using this as an excuse to vent.

iscream · 27/10/2011 08:20

Perhaps the person who sent the invitations out didn't think of it?
Or, perhaps your sil is carrying the baby conceived of her partners egg?
I would probably ignore it, and when addressing the card, write the pregnant woman's name first.
If you want to make her feel special, include a present that will benefit her (SIL) especially, maybe a collection of misc. things to do with pregnancy. Breast pads and cream, book on nursing, stretch mark cream,a nursing top or nightgown?

iscream · 27/10/2011 08:21

Oh, no,definitely no dad, two mum's! Unless the donor is involved in their lives! He would be dad!

Original poster
designerbaby · 27/10/2011 08:39

No, hauntinghenshan, that's you making vast assumptions that are unfounded. She is essentially in the role a father would play in a more conventional setup, i.e. She is becoming a parent, but is not about to give birth, thus her role is, or should be, supportive of my DSIL, who, for now, should be everyone's main focus as she's not only pregnant, but carrying twins.

And I think that, if she was that bothered about being the first to know the sex of their children, and knew that DSIL was anxious about the scan (there's been a couple of scares in the pg) then she should have gotten a flight a few days earlier to be there. I know that's what my DH would have done if we'd been in the same position, but maybe I'm just fortunate...

Please don't make this into a gay-bashing thread, I'm not, and we've been nothing but supportive of the relationship, marriage and pregnancy.

It's more that their slightly unconventional setup has given rise to yet another example of my DSIL's DP apparently (and literally in the case of the invite) putting herself first, and at a time when she really shouldn't be.

So if it's anything bashing, it's a 'selfish partner' bashing. But I don't actually want to bash her...

DSIL had had to manage the whole pg thus far alone, including coping with crippling morning sickness and fatigue. So yes, I do think she should get to be a princess for a day...

db
xx

OP posts:
AntsMarching · 27/10/2011 08:41

A bit off topic but does DSIL have hospital/maternity/ob care sorted in the US? Does she have insurance? I do hope they've thought of that because having a baby in the US is expensive if you don't have insurance.

Also giving birth in the US is very clinical (from my friends' experiences) compared to my experience in the UK (I'm an American expat).

Please make sure DSIL and her DP have thought about such practicalities before moving at such late stage of pregnancy.

BlingLoving · 27/10/2011 08:48

I had a baby shower and yes, it is kind of about me but actually I saw it as a little party for ds in a way. The gifts were all for him really (well, except the gorgeous posh hand cream one friend gave me with the helpful comment, "you will need this as you will wash you'd hands such a lot" Grin

So I would have no issue with her dp being involved.

And although dh did not come to shower, most cards were addressed to both of us. And ds Wink

KatAndKit · 27/10/2011 08:53

Baby showers are unreasonable anyway.

I would put both names on the card. I think this is what people would do for straight couples so no need to treat a same sex couple differently. If you had to conceive via donor sperm you wouldn't want people making remarks to your husband about it not being really his baby. They are both parents. But then I would only be sending the card after the baby is born. Do they make baby shower cards now? You'd only have to send a second congrats card after the birth anyway! Seems very silly.

TandB · 27/10/2011 09:29

YABVU

Both these women are about to become mothers. They will both be female parents, ie mothers. The DP is NOT going to be a father simply because she happens to be the one not actually carrying the babies. I would imagine that it is incredibly difficult for same-sex female couples to make decisions about who carries the babies, what the role of the other mother is during pregnancy - surely they are both entitled to be equally involved with the whole process?

In any event, why do there have to be 'rules' for a baby shower? I think they are a bit of a gimmicky idea anyway, but who cares what arrangements are in place? Either you go and celebrate the impending arrival of the babies in the way that the mothers want it celebrated, or don't go.

Blacksquirrel · 27/10/2011 11:22

I think you need to look at it from the other side.

If SIL DP was carrying the babies would you think it ok for SIL not to be a part of the baby shower?

IzzyWizzyletsgetbusy · 27/10/2011 11:41

Slightly off topic but sacreleo and worraliberty I disagree with you about the scan. Admittedly I also used to see them as an exciting time when you get to see your baby, and had no qualms about going alone, but then during my 3rd pregnancy I had the "bad news" scan, unexpectedly, and during my second trimester. Luckily dh was with me but I would have hated to have been there alone.

The thing is, these scans (and especially the 20 week one) are not primarily about seeing the baby(ies)/finding out the sex but are medical anomaly scans, looking for any potential problems. The OP's SIL will be particularly aware of this if, as OP says, there have been some "scares" in this pg and it can be hugely nerve-wracking. Since losing dc3, I would never go to a scan alone if there was any other choice. In fact dh has been able to come to every scan during this pg but I know if he hadn't been able to, he would not have dreamed of objecting to someone else accompanying me, however disappointed he might have been.

brdgrl · 27/10/2011 11:47

"we've been nothing but supportive of the relationship, marriage and pregnancy."

That's clearly important to you - good. It also comes through in your posts that you have warm feelings and feel loyal towards SIL, which is nice.
Please consider this another way of being supportive of their relationship, which happens to be a same-sex one. Making the DP feel excluded, even if it seems to you like a sort of corrective measure (because of everything SIL is sacrificing) will definitely not feel supportive to them. Your SIL is moving far away, and you can't afford to make her feel that you are anything less than 100% behind her right now. What you feel about her DP has to be put aside in order to give SIL the day she has decided upon. That would be the nicest, most supportive, most pampering thing you could do.

BalloonTwister · 27/10/2011 12:01

Loopy, so sorry to hear that. I didn't have a baby shower because I was so terrified something was going to go wrong and I didn't want to tempt fate. I'm sorry for your loss.

OP - Surely your SIL must want to move abroad? Perhaps you're just upset because you're going to miss her and are projecting some of this on to her DP? Could you make an extra effort to become friendlier with DP so that if you have concerns you could raise the subject with both of them, rather than risk alienating your SIL if she feels you are blaming DP unfairly?

porcamiseria · 27/10/2011 12:02

lesbian pregnancies are a pickle for sure etiquette wise!!!!!

KatAndKit · 27/10/2011 12:05

I would never attend a scan alone. The first time I ever had a scan it was not a good news one. I then had to drive myself home in a right state from the hospital. It was not good and I needed someone to be there. Yes, it is an exciting appointment but it is also a medical appointment where they tell you if your baby is dead or alive at the end of the day. If the other parent can't come then it is perfectly reasonable to have someone else accompany you for support.

thesurgeonsmate · 27/10/2011 12:07

I too want to comment on the scan story, but I'll answer the question first. YABU. Different showers for different people. If addressing the card to DSIL only is noticed, it's really going to be noticed, and the point you are trying to make about pampering the pregnant person would not be at all clear. All sorts of things could be drawn from it that would affect your relationship with both mothers going forward.

I agree that the scan story is controlling. While there might be a nice experience to be had in going to the scan together, you can't recreate that by banning other people from the scan if it isn't going to be possible to go as a couple. It's pretty PFB to want this info all to yourself initially if you are planning to share it anyway. My own view is that it is better to relax about this kind of stuff.

Blacksquirrel · 27/10/2011 12:38

Regarding the scan, maybe in hindsight SIL's DP might have allowed someone else to go but not be in the room when told of the sexes.
SIL's mum could still have gone but waited in the waiting room, I'm not the DP would have been able to 'control' that.

Blacksquirrel · 27/10/2011 12:39

sure

SacreLao · 27/10/2011 17:43

I see the point about the scan Izzy and KitandKat that must be very hard to deal with, very sorry to hear about your losses.

I am very lucky to have never experianced that situation and so it did not occur to me that a scan would be anything other than exciting, apologies.

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