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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To address cards/pressies at baby shower just to the one actually having the babies?

59 replies

designerbaby · 26/10/2011 22:52

Because I'm feeling a bit defensive for DSIL, frankly and would like to make a bit of a point, even if it will probably go unnoticed.

I was lucky enough to have a baby shower thrown for me when I was pregnant with our first DC. It was lovely and I felt very special and enjoyed being made a fuss of and having one last afternoon when it was more or less about me. DH wasn't invited, obviously.

Now DSIL is pregnant with twins via insemination, and is married to her same-sex partner.

I have been invited to THEIR baby shower. And what made it worse us that her oartner's name comes first! This had made me quite cross. DSIL is the one carrying twins. She's the one who feels like a whale. It's HER baby shower, surely... Her DP, while I understand get being there (as she is, after all, a girl!) is, in effect the Dad here...

It just feels that this afternoon should really be all about DSIL, but instead it seems to be about her DP as well/ instead.

She's also uprooting her whole life and moving to the states to be with her DP (who has a couple of months left of a masters and only very sketchy plans thereafter) leaving behind all friends/family/support when 28 weeks pg, because her DP 'likes it there'... But don't get me started on deciding to start a family while living on separate continents...

I just really feel that this ONE THING should be all about her?

Honest opinions please... (like I'd expect anything else on THIS topic Grin.

db
xx

OP posts:
ViviPru · 26/10/2011 22:54

is your DSIL happy with these arrangements?

banana87 · 26/10/2011 22:56

I would naturally just put SIL's name on the card, so YANBU. If you are doing it to be passive aggressive and make a point then YABU.

MrsMellowDrummer · 26/10/2011 22:58

Dunno. I'm not a baby shower fan, but surely they're more about a celebration of impending motherhood/parenthood, not a you're-about-to-give-birth party. And maybe men don't have them because they're a bit, well... girly?

thisisyesterday · 26/10/2011 22:59

maybe that's how your dsil wants it?

why on earth shouldn't it be about her partner too?

MrsTerryPratchett · 26/10/2011 23:00

Is the DP American? They bloody LOVE baby showers over there and since she is also becoming a mother, I see why she would want to be included. I don't really understand why her name was first.

OddBoots · 26/10/2011 23:01

Could this be an effort on your dsil's part to make sure guests know that her dp is included?

duckdodgers · 26/10/2011 23:02

I don't "get" baby showers, they seem a bit pointless and grabbing to me, especially regarding presents. But I agree with mrsmellow they should be a celebration of the future if you have 1 and it takes 2 to make a baby so both parents should be involved if they want. Is it then because her partner is a woman and not technically "the father" you are bothered?? [hconfused]

SacreLao · 26/10/2011 23:02

Sorry but I think YABU.

As someone in a same-sex relationship who is currently pregnant it pisses me off when people say to DP 'oh but it's not really yours is it'

SacreLao · 26/10/2011 23:04

BTW I would always include the father's name on any cards / presents if they were a straight couple.

Baby showers to me (as much as I hate them and think they are cheesy) are about celebrating the new coming arrival and to congratulate BOTH parents.

The other partner often feels left out enough without other guests trying to make a point.

worraliberty · 26/10/2011 23:06

I've never heard anything so petty in my life.

All this 'Princess for a day' because someone's chosen to have a baby is a bit weird...there's nothing wrong with both the parents being there no matter what their sex.

worraliberty · 26/10/2011 23:08

As someone in a same-sex relationship who is currently pregnant it pisses me off when people say to DP 'oh but it's not really yours is it'

That's a very good point. I hadn't thought of it but in that sort of situation it's probably more important the partner is involved instead of being left out in the cold.

squeakyfreakytoy · 26/10/2011 23:08

YABU really.. if they are happily having a baby shower together, then why shouldnt they both get their names on the cards..

BertieBotts · 26/10/2011 23:09

I suspect I don't really understand the point of baby showers, but if I was having one and DP wanted to be there, I'd be really happy that he wanted to be included. Surely it's a celebration of the baby's(ies') impending arrival? Not just a pamper/attention shower because you are pregnant? (Which would be lovely, I'm sure, but isn't that something else?) The presents are for the baby, aren't they? I'd actually feel really mean excluding DP from being involved in something like that if he wanted to be. I don't see why it's any different just because your SIL's DP is female.

I suppose I'm missing the point because I don't get why it's "obvious" that your DH wasn't invited to your baby shower. So I don't see why SIL's DP shouldn't be invited to hers.

manicinsomniac · 26/10/2011 23:10

I think YABU

Never been to a baby shower but, if I did, I think I would automatically address to both parents, regardless of the gender. Both parents ARE having a child, they've both created it (okay, not in this case but I'm she would have if she could!) but only one can carry it - doesn't mean they own some kind of right over the baby!

SacreLao · 26/10/2011 23:13

Yep Worral

In the case of a biological father no-one questions there 'right' to the child etc. but even though me and DP are married and concieved via a fertility clinic (meaning that DP will be on the birth certificate and have FULL parental rights) almost everyone has said it's not her child.

Even her mum said 'what happens if you split up'
The same as in all relationships, she has access etc. but people don't see it as legal and feel like she is not really a parent.

She announced the pregnancy to a friend and say 'were having a baby' and the response was 'well your not are you, your gonna be a step mum not a real mum'

Things like that hurt so much.

Would you tell someone they were not a real parent because they had adopted etc.?

I do as a result make an extra effort to make her more involved, as much as possible, as I don't want her to feel like it's all about me because I happen to be the carrying.

LoopyLoopsPussInBoots · 26/10/2011 23:13

Umm, I'm going to regret writing this, and please don't let it upset you, and it is irrelevant but the post just made me have to write it (feeling a bit sensitive, needy etc)...

I'm so glad I didn't have a baby shower when I was pregnant with twins, because one of them was stillborn and it was awful enough having to get rid of the double pram without loads of matchy match outfits and twin gifts from lovely friends. :(

Original poster
designerbaby · 26/10/2011 23:13

No, it's really not because it's a same sex relationship - if my baby shower had been billed as MrDB and DB's baby shower I think I'd have been a bit peeved...

I just think she's the one doing all the work here, and so she should be being made a fuss of... I thought that was the point of a baby shower...

I think it's probably wrapped up with the fact that I find her DP pretty selfish in other respects, so I'm a bit inclined to feel defensive of DSIL. I'm sure she's probably fine with it, she's very much the submissive one in the relationship, she'll go along with whatever her DP wants (hence moving to states etc.)

Her DP is German, btw. Not a yank.

But yes, I probably am being a bit passive agressive. It's my defence mechanism if choice Grin

db
Xx

OP posts:
SacreLao · 26/10/2011 23:17

Loopy - I am so sorry to hear that [hugs]

SacreLao · 26/10/2011 23:19

Designer I understand that but her life, her choice and it's not for you to approve or disapprove.

Go to the baby shower, celebrate with them and forget any bad feeling or snide little digs.

I imagine she put DP name first to make her feel more involved, or perhaps as she is hosting it? Who know's, either way it's a silly reason to get act so petty.

proudfoot · 26/10/2011 23:22

YABU sorry

I don't understand your POV really. Surely it is up to your SIL and her DP to decide how they want their baby shower and it is not a big deal if your preferences don't match theirs. You had yours and did it how you liked. I think it is nice the DP is included and not sure why you would feel pissed off by that tbh, even if you don't really like her by the sounds of things Confused

worraliberty · 26/10/2011 23:24

Sacre I can totally understand where you're coming from in your post 23:13:11

Congratulations to you both. I'm sure your DP is lucky to have someone so understanding.

SurprisEs · 26/10/2011 23:26

I didn't have a baby shower but had a work leaving do. With cards, gifts, the usual. DH was there and thankfully was mentioned in every single card.
DD was his too, his life was about to change too.

So yabu.

Original poster
designerbaby · 26/10/2011 23:26

But point taken about it being doubly important to include her DP to make her feel more overtly included since she has no biological relationship to the children... You've probably got a point there.

Tbh my feelings probably aren't about the baby shower at all. I suppose I just hoped that just once her DP would put herself aside a bit, and let DSIL have all the attention, since she's the one carrying twins, relocating to another country at the whim of her DP away from all her family and friends. Basically everything else seems to be all about her DP I kind of feel it would be nice if this one afternoon could be all about DSIL.

Example. DSIL had her 20wk scan this week. She was a but anxious about it. Her mum, (my MIL) is visiting but her DP forbade her from going to the scan because she didn't want anyone else to know the sex of the babies before she did. So DSIL had to go alone... That made mr both Sad and a bit Angry

Context, see...

db
Xx

OP posts:
brdgrl · 26/10/2011 23:27

i didn't want a baby shower, don't like the idea of 'em much (and i'm a yank!).

but having said that - i have been to and even thrown baby showers. some have included both parents. when i give gifts, i would put the names of both parents.

i was not living with my DP (now my DH) when DD was born, but we were very much together and both excited about DD - i'd probably expect gifts to be addressed to both of us.

i imagine that, for your SIL and her partner, becoming a mother (which they both are!) carries a particular significance. i'd follow their cue - if they are treating the pregnancy as a joint project, give them that.

meditrina · 26/10/2011 23:27

Baby showers shouldn't be hosted by the honouree (so the question of grabbiness can't arise), and would normally be for the one gestating the baby, not a partner of any kind.

Your choice now is whether to go along with their non-traditional version, in which case you should embrace it whole heartedly and include her DP; or you send your regrets.