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AIBU?

To hate my fil

29 replies

iambach · 26/10/2011 22:46

My fil is a total control freak. We have a 'difficult' relationship given i can't be controlled!

My ds(7) is not his biological grandchild and so hardly sees him as he is often at his dads when we see them, just the way it works out.

So they are visiting us at the moment, staying nearby. We were all over at their place having tea, all 3 kids having a carry on around the table. Next thing i hear my FIL saying to my son, 'do you want to stay here?, do you want to apologise?' In a really stern voice whilst staring hard at my ds. Ds looking confused at the question says 'em yes' fil says 'well apologise' ds says 'er i just did' (because he clearly thinks saying yes was apologising) and i can feel my ds squirming. He then says 'sorry' but in a 'im guessing this is what i have to say, not sure what i did wrong sort of way'.

It would seem he was repeating what my fil said, in a mocking way, as kids do, they do it to me, it is irritating. BUT given they hardly see him and they don't really have a great bond with him, i felt he was completely ott. I wanted to scoop my ds up and take him home. FIL finished off by saying 'one thing i cant stand is 'dumb ignorance'.

One thing i cant stand-him.

He was all jokey and full of fun with them, encouraging them to say 'right away' instead of please etc and then turns on ds when he was in his head just continuing with the fun.

AIBU feeling really uncomfortable with this??? I dont condone my DC's being rude but this was completely inconsistent.

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ChippingInToThePumpkinLantern · 26/10/2011 22:51

Why didn't you say 'Hey, 'Fred', that's enough. You started it, DS has no idea what he has done to incur your wrath and neither do I. Would you care to explain? ' There's no way I'd let him treat my child like that. Cantankerous git.

iambach · 26/10/2011 22:56

thing is if i had got involved it would have put us back to square one as we are only now tolerating each other after him pissing us off big time by reminding us that my ds isnt actually 'his' grandchild. Argh i cant stand him.

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squeakyfreakytoy · 26/10/2011 22:59

I wouldnt be too happy with my 7yo being cheeky though, and I would expect another family member to be able to pull them up on it without incurring my wrath.

poppygolucky · 26/10/2011 23:01

Hate is a pretty strong word, but it annoys me when adults start games with children, encourage them to be silly and then turn around and snap when the game has 'gone too far' in their opinion.

I'd speak to him about it and explain your DS is only 7 and needs clearer boundaries with adults and therefore he should address his own behaviour first

AgentZigzag · 26/10/2011 23:03

I know what you mean about the sincerity when apologising thing, and why you felt you couldn't take him on without WWIII breaking out.

Are you saying you think your FIL will make allowances for your other DCs but not for your DS? I.e. he's thinking more kindly of your other DC.

I can understand him maybe feeling a difference (rightly or wrongly), but there's no excuse for him to let your DS feel it.

He's only 7!

And presuming your FIL is a great deal older than that, he should be old enough to keep a check on it.

ChippingInToThePumpkinLantern · 26/10/2011 23:08

squeaky - yes, so would I if they were being cheeky, not just when he's having a pop about nothing or the kids carrying on a game he started. DS had no idea what he'd done - that's not on.

iambach - I can understand that (have been there), but I'd do that rather than leave my child floundering, not knowing what they are supposed to have done wrong and being told off anyway. It's just not on.

iambach · 26/10/2011 23:10

just to give a bit of background, my fil does this thing when my ds who is quite shy will say to me 'im hungry' the fil will say 'you have to ask me, because we are in his house. SO when my son was 4 he was saying 'im hungry' fil saying well just ask me blah blah, i said to my ds 'ok all you have to say is granpa can i have a banana please, just that, thats it' eventually my ds plucks up the courage and fil says 'NO'. Thats it, end of conversation.
FIL still tries to get into this control with the asking thing and now i will pass my ds biscuits etc without involving fil because im just not prepared to give him room to do this to my child.

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AgentZigzag · 26/10/2011 23:13

'eventually my ds plucks up the courage and fil says 'NO'. Thats it, end of conversation.'

A good example of a what a twat would say IMO.

Nasty behaviour.

sleepysox · 26/10/2011 23:16

What a mean bloke. Poor you. YOur poor son. YOur son comes first, so I think YADNBU.

ChippingInToThePumpkinLantern · 26/10/2011 23:21

He's a nasty man. Like my ex-fil :( I didn't have kids with my partner but he (FIL not Ex) was bloody awful to the grandchildren he did have. I just wouldn't tolerate it if they were my kids, no way. Why do you have to take the kids there, let your H or P go on his own.

iambach · 26/10/2011 23:22

yes a twat he is. Unfortunately he is my husbands father and only for that reason do i endure him. He makes my skin crawl, real asshole. I wish i could confront him and stay calm and cool. Maybe i should take some 'assertiveness' classes. Id love to be able to challenge him without getting out the baseball bat losing my cool

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iambach · 26/10/2011 23:26

chipping when my dh has gone on his own he comes back with stories of how my fil told of ds or dd and how the other grandchild was getting away with abc. I feel at least if i am there i can judge how he is being and act accordingly. My ds and dd have satyed over with them past 2 nights but after the episode last night they are all home tonight. I hope my ds learns from this that not everyone is consistent, or nice and that unfortunately some people are arseholes just plain difficult.

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ChippingInToThePumpkinLantern · 26/10/2011 23:29

I told my Ex that if he didn't stand up to his father on my behalf I would (I would have happily, but it was less likely to cause the mother of all rows if he did it). The Ex still wasn't very good at it, but he knew that it was wise to try to keep his father in his box because he knew I would and if I started then I would not have stopped... it would not have been pretty. Ex would always, unbidden, stand up for his nieces & nephews if he was there though, he would not let a child be spoken to badly or told off for some 'non' thing.

If he wasn't already 6ft under I'd wonder if we shared a FIL (well Ex FIL for me).

No matter how much of a row/rift it causes you are going to have to stick up for your children more if your DH is unwilling to.

ChippingInToThePumpkinLantern · 26/10/2011 23:32

NO you misunderstand me. When I said 'On his own' I meant 'On his own' ... not 'On his own with the children' - there's no bloody way I'd let them go to be with this arsehole without me!

Stayed over - did they have a good time? Maybe your FIL isn't as bad as my Ex FIL - there's no way my kids would have stayed over there (if I'd had any). Both of them were nasty, nasty people.

BrawToken · 26/10/2011 23:33

Yep, I have a FIL like that. Nice to my wee one who he is biologically related to and a bit of a shit to my eldest darling girl. I want to tell him to fuck off TBH, but am too well brought up, so tend to make sure when he visits, eldest is otherwise engaged. She's much loved by the rest of the family and aint too keen on him anyway.
I have actually recently split up with wee one's Dad, so don't have to endure this again. YAAAAY :)

iambach · 26/10/2011 23:37

i will not allow my ds to spend too much time with my fil. He is not related to him, he has no reason to have to endure him. it is hard because my dd's love my mil and fil and they all get on great. My ds has 2 biological sets of grandparents that love him and enjoy him. I dont want to cause a major fall out which denies my girls of their relationship with their gp's. It is so hard, he is such an arse in so many ways. My son is quite mature i might chat to him about this. Maybe if i explained my FIL has certain ways and talk about how to tackle them together.

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iambach · 26/10/2011 23:47

*chipping' thing is he can be great fun with the kids, or at least the mil is. He can be fun too tho to be fair. But all of a sudden he will be a total arse in a 'just to remind you im the one calling the shots kinda way'.

He takes great pleasure in being a twat.

Another example of his ways. He was dishing out pudding. My dd says to him i dont want the compote on top of my meringue, he says 'put it down' (the meringue) and plonks the compote on top. So when he serves mine i say (just out of curiosity) can i have my compote in first and meringue on top as i dont like it getting soggy. He laughs and says 'no' but puts the compote in, meringue on top and then bashes it with a spoon to squash the meringue into the compote, all the time laughing like it is just a big joke, but it isnt it is about him being in control.

The are coming here for tea tmrw. He hates custard. I am going to offer him some chocolate pudding and not mention custard. Serve him first with lashings of custard and a little bit of mummy's special ingredient

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CannibalBitsArrrgh · 26/10/2011 23:49

Your sons non -biological relationship to this odious little man seems to be the issue if he doesn't treat the other children the same hideous way he does your son

I would have to call him on it - its not fair on your DS to be treated differently and I would see my arse big style if my in laws did this

I have 6 birth DC and 2 adopted DC plus many children who have moved through our family through fostering and if I thought that my parents or in laws showed favouritism or ostracised any child I would not take them to visit again - thats just fucking shite behaviour and they dont deserve to be in your sons life imo

iambach · 26/10/2011 23:55

well they are on my turf tmrw.....let ww3 begin!!

Thing is the twat will be better behaved in our house, different story then. That is why they prefer to have us round there. Sad but true.

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ChippingInToThePumpkinLantern · 27/10/2011 00:01

LOL at 'Mummy's special ingredient'

CannibalBitsArrrgh · 27/10/2011 00:03

haha I'm right behind you OP - let the war be won by you

I wonder how grandad would like to be treated the way he treats your son?

Treat the nasty fucker just like he treats your son - with disdain, ignore him as much as you possibly can, even when he addresses you - pretend you can't hear him, do the exact opposite as he requests ...if he asks for a cup of tea make him a strong black coffee - thats the only way I got my FiL to comply with my rules - he got the picture quite quickly

disclaimer my FiL never treated any of my DC badly - he is just an arse*

FruitChute · 27/10/2011 00:08

I like your style. There are many things you can hide in the custard on a chocolate pudding.

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AgentZigzag · 27/10/2011 00:24

I don't think you should shit in his custard either much

I fucking hate consistent gameplaying by adults with children, more so when the rules are forever randomly changing and the DC can never do right for doing wrong.

I agree when you say it's him trying to exert (and make you and your DS feel) the control he'd like to have over you, for whatever reason.

The only option open to you is not to play bach

And fuck any consequences when he doesn't like being called on his behaviour, he's a big lad now, he should be made take responsibility for making your DS feel like shite.

I might have missed you saying, but why does your DH not intervene?

iambach · 27/10/2011 08:43

agent my dh doesn't intervene because he feels it is not worth challenging his father. He has had him behaving like this his whole life and says challenging him would only cause a huge fall out. This causes major friction between us.

They visit twice a year and stay in a holiday home nearby. Today is their day to themselves and they are off out, clearly there is a God, it is pissing down!

He has a house on a main road. He has made a post for his drive so no one can turn in the drive way. This means when we are visiting we have to phone when we a re 5 mins away so he can take the post out his ass the drive and allow us entry. Same when we leave he has to let us out. Im sure the turning must have happened about twice a year.

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Scholes34 · 27/10/2011 09:01

Brace yourself iambach, DHs can turn into FILs if you're not careful. Keep a close eye on DH!

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