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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect MIL to at least be civil.

46 replies

loopsylou · 26/10/2011 21:21

Ok, so won't bore you with the all details of our relationship, but basically, over the course of the past year MIL has told DD that she will most probably end up working in ASDA and nothing better because she's not very bright (she's effing dyslexic!) , told me she'd look after DD so I could go out for an evening then called to say she was 'too tired' literally 15 minutes before I left (had reserved tables at restaurant and booked cinema tickets already!) And Has accused me of being an alcoholic and told entire husbands side of family that I was out of control and an unfit mother. So FINALLY, 2 months ago, I told her enough was enough and gave her a piece of my mind. So she refuses to come over to ours any more and won't see her grand daughter unless DH takes her down. So i outright refused to let her see DD. Now I've just recieved a very angry phone call from FIL, accusing me of bullying MIL, and saying I've been trying to seperate them from their son and grand daughter ever since I'd met them. AIBU to just want to tell them to P**s off and not allow them to see DD at all?

OP posts:

fuzzywuzzy · 26/10/2011 21:31

I wouldn't reply, I'd keep dd away from her as she's hurting her. Let your DH make his own mind up.

I'd utterly cut her out of my life. Wouldn't answer phone calls/emails or letters from them.

But then I have a very low tolerance level of people who are horrible to my children.

ddubsgirl · 26/10/2011 21:31

how old is dd?

ddubsgirl · 26/10/2011 21:31

and what has dh said about all this?

FabbyChic · 26/10/2011 21:33

Id tell FIL that once his wife has a grip on reality things may change.

AgentZigzag · 26/10/2011 21:33

She doesn't seem to have a very high regard for you does she?

If the rest of the things she says to your DD are along the same vein, I wouldn't be too happy for someone to be dragging my DD down in a similar way.

It always comes out when you have an argument, so he said 'well we didn't like you anyway, and never have!!' he's hardly trying to rebuild bridges and resove anything saying that is he?

He's said it to hurt you.

Why would you want anything to do with people who have such a low opinion of you? And why would they want anything to do with you?

I'd leave them to stew and calm down, see how it is after a few months?

What does your DH reckon to it all?

Badgerwife · 26/10/2011 21:33

OP your MIL sounds horrid, I understand why you wouldn't want her around your DD. How does your DH feel about all this? I would expect him to take a stand for you tbh, and he might be able to get them to hear your side if he's the one talking to them. Otherwise, personally I would take a break from the relationship with the grand-parents.

Original poster

loopsylou · 26/10/2011 21:43

DD is 9 at the moment, and DH is just saying it's nothing to do with him. He reckons i should just get over it and apologise to 'avoid a petty fight.' I'm all for putting things behind me but DD is at risk surely!?!? and I am now hated by his side of the family. So I can't see any way I can get over it. In regards to how MIL treated DD he said, and I quote; "well she's allways been a bit OTT, best just to ignore it and let her be!?!?!?!?!?!" REALLY? He's very close to his mother but that surely can't mean he won't defend his own daughter!!!

OP posts:

BOOareHaunting · 26/10/2011 21:49

your DH thinks your MIL can say those things because 'that's just how she is'

Well she won't bloody change if people keep making excuses for her.

I would simply say to her that she would defend her children and that's what your doing because her DS is too weak too.

And everything Agent said above.

rabbitfeet · 26/10/2011 21:50

My dad said something very similar to my sister and she was really, really damaged by it. Your husband sounds irresponsible and selfish, to be blunt - He just doesn't want the conflict so he's willing to put his daughter in a situation where her self-esteem will be destroyed by this poisonous woman. Don't do it! Don't have any contact with them and tell him he must support you instead of enabling this cruel bitchiness from his horrible mother!

AgentZigzag · 26/10/2011 21:52

So you apologise on bended knee for what your MIL said to/about you, what happens after that?

Does your DH think it'll all be alright and everyone will suddenly live happily ever after?

Stopping contact with family members shouldn't be a lightly taken decision, but you have to ask yourself how far do you let people treat you and yours like shit before you say no more?

I'm kind of surprised your DH doesn't have any feelings of wanting to defend you and your DD, does his mum have such a strong pull over him that he's willing to put up with any kind of behaviour from her?

Or is he just too lazy to get off his arse and tell her she's being unreasonable and tantruming doesn't get you anywhere?

(he's scared of her isn't he?)

MoaninMinny · 26/10/2011 21:53

obviously ma in laws story will have a different perspective to yours so no one except you and her can say who is being unreasonable

we only ever get one side of the story - if i were you i would really reflect on my behaviour and see if compromises couldnt be made

MsVestibule · 26/10/2011 21:55

How can your DH say it's nothing to do with him??? FFS, his DW and DM have had a major falling out, so I'd say it had a lot do with him! I can only suggest that you keep your distance from her before you decide what to do. Trouble is, she'll be in your life for a long time, so you may have to have it out with her at some point...

Badgerwife · 26/10/2011 21:56

I'm at your DH. "Nothing to do with him?" Is he usually this passive about things that affect you and your DD? I am appalled, really I am. I would also stop all contact with them and have him deal with the consequences.

TadlowDogIncident · 26/10/2011 21:56

MoaninMinny, the MIL told the OP's daughter that she wasn't very bright. The poor child is nine and dyslexic. I'm not sure how there are two sides to that story.

OP, I'd be furious and I wouldn't let my child see someone who talked to them like that. Your DH's relationship with them is his business, but you need to protect your daughter (and it doesn't sound as though your MIL will leave much of a hole in your life!).

AgentZigzag · 26/10/2011 21:59

'MIL has told DD that she will most probably end up working in ASDA and nothing better because she's not very bright'

How did that get twisted from something innocently said by her granny, for the OPs evil use on an anonymous internet forum Moanin?

I can't think of any enabling or encouraging reason why someone would say that about their GC, it was said to knock any aspriations they might have in life out of them.

Don't want dyslexic people getting above their station and maybe being disappointed when they encounter people like the OPs MIL.

Best not try anything to avoid it...

Original poster

loopsylou · 26/10/2011 22:08

DD wanted to be a vet, she loves animals and it's all she's ever wanted to be. On way home that day she was so quiet, and since then her teacher has asked me if everything is alright at home because she's apparently lost all self confidence in her school work. MIL's comment is only reason I can think of for this.

OP posts:

mynewpassion · 26/10/2011 22:09

I think that if you don't want to see your ILs, that's fine. However, I don't think you should ban your DD from seeing her grandmother with your DH. He's her father, too.

Your DD will soon be old enough to make her own decisions about seeing her grandparents. If she doesn't want to go, then limit contact.

CardyMow · 26/10/2011 22:17

And for everyone who was on the MIL thread in relationships that was defending MIL's...MIL's like THIS are the reason why people stop contact...OP, If I didn't know better, I'd say we shared a MIL. I know that's not possible - my Ex-P has no brothers - but YANBU to stop contact when it is affecting your DD to this extent.

And if your DH can't see the effect his mother is having on his dc - then he needs to wake up and smell the fucking coffee. WHY do these men not stand up for THEIR OWN CHILDREN. .

Fucking MIL's.

Do you know - I have 3 DS's, and 99% of MIL threads on MN tells me how NOT to be a MIL when it comes to that time. I hope NEVER to put my DIL's in a position like this.

BOOareHaunting · 26/10/2011 22:23

Tell your DD she can be anything she wants.

I'm dyslexic and I'm currently doing my degree with the OU. There is masses of support and help available. Also look into government funding - I can get allsorts from disabled students allowance (I don't but that's another thread!). Your DD has a learning difficulty not an inability to learn.

And I'm not sure how having a learning difficulty is going to affect removing a cats appendix.

If it's affecting her school work would you be willing to get the school to support you?

CardyMow · 26/10/2011 22:27

mynewpassion - would YOU let YOUR DD see someone who is making her feel so miserable about herself? If it was one of your friends - would you say that YOUR DD had to wait until she was old enough to make her own decisions about seeing that friend, or would you give that 'friend' a piece of your mind and never subject your DD to that level of plain NASTINESS?

Why is it any different just because this person happens to be related to your husband? Would it be any different if your OWN mother said things like this to your dc? Would you continue to let your dc hear things like that about themselves until they were 'old enough to make their own decisions about seeing your mother'? I highly doubt it.

There's enough people on the Stately Homes thread who have cut off their OWN parents for behaving like this towards their dc - why should it be any different just because it is the MIL? I wouldn't have ANYONE say something like that to any of my DC. If they did - they would NEVER get to be a part of my dc life again. Be it my family, or my MIL, or anyone else for that matter.

When my DD was in reception, her TEACHER said, in front of my DD at parent's evening, that my DD was STUPID because she couldn't learn to read. My DD has LD's. I pulled my DD from the school, never sent her back, found her a new school. Anything else would have been CONDONING what that teacher had said, and affirming that statement to my DD.

If the OP DOESN'T cut this viscious, nasty woman out of her DD's life, then she is CONDONING what this woman said to her DD - AND affirming it in her DD's eyes. What other option does she have??

BOOareHaunting · 26/10/2011 22:39

hunty fantastic post. You are totally right and the way you have worded it has certainly made me think carefully about how I would react to people being negative to me or DS in the future.

OP could you print Hunty's reply and show it to DH and let us know what pathetic argument he tried to muster to it?

CardyMow · 26/10/2011 22:45

Ah - but I reserve my venom for people who upset children...

FearfulYank · 26/10/2011 22:49

I remember when my grandmother asked me if I could "just shut up for five seconds" in a terrible tone. My mother tore into her and they had DIL and MIL issues to spare.

FantasticDay · 26/10/2011 22:56

I work with a dyslexic guy. He's just finished his Master's degree. Do tell your daughter she can be anything she wants.

MollyMurphy · 26/10/2011 23:08

She's telling people your an alcoholic and unfit parent . Presuming that is not true (because I honestly don't know you)....I would have it out with her in a calm but direct way - I would lay it all out on the table. She would not be a part of my life at all or my children's life spouting off like that. Such allegations are serious and can have real consequences.

To protect your relationship with your DH and to protect you should she try to apply for somekind of grandparents visiting rights, I would probably offer to attend some kind of mediation or family counselling with her so its on the record that you are the bigger person trying to sort this out. However, until such time as it was sorted I would absolutly cut her out and even if the relationship was pulled back from the brink, she would have a very short leash in my home to be sure.

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