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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want the nice piece of steak sometimes?

72 replies

Arachnophobic · 26/10/2011 20:35

DP is very helpful around the house. Not quite 50/50 but he does his fair share. We both work, and he is also good with the kids.

However it is fair to say he is extremely selfish with food. If he has choccie he won't share. If he has crisps and I ask for one he will only put one on my open palm and complain anyway. If he cooks and burns the food he will ensure I get the most charred food. If he does the shopping he buys himself sweets and ice-cream but none for me. He wont share what he has bought. And tonight he made sure he had the fattest plumpest rump steak whilst giving me the smaller fattier bit.

So I said "can I choose which piece of steak I have next time please?" cue him becoming extremely defensive over said steak.

I find this very funny in a sense but at the same time I cannot stand the selfishness and it gets right on my tits.

AIBU

OP posts:

Peachy · 26/10/2011 21:02

Dad was child 15 / 16: frewuntly not fed (meals either bread and jam or something they ahd hunted themselves or caught on their lines). he IS over weight and very food focussed but also very much a feeder. Control matters to him- he works and Mum doesn't (they are both late sixties) but he does the cooking

But he is never ever stingy or selfish about it

Original poster

Arachnophobic · 26/10/2011 21:03

seven, not really, honestly. Like I said previously he can be thoughtless/selfish but in the main it's to do with food.

Yeah it's annoying but rather that than he has an affair!!!!

OP posts:

EllaDee · 26/10/2011 21:04

I see what you're saying about the sharing thingumy. It sounds as if it is just one more irritation among many. My parents don't like to share food - it's fine if you can both agree you'll get your own/eat your own. Though I think I would be irritated, even in that situation, if my treats never got onto my DH's shopping list. I don't quite understand that actually.

Do you make lists, OP, or are we talking DH's spur-of-the-moment pop to the shops? Do you both shop equal amounts, or what?

I'm just asking because if it were my DH, I'd just put icecream for me on a list so he knew which one I wanted.

Original poster

Arachnophobic · 26/10/2011 21:06

cold he doesn't make me eat it as such, he isn't controlling like that I just have noticed in the past that the worst turned out food ends up on my plate.....in the past have remembered it with sausages and pizza.

I am laughing now It does seem a bit petty as I write it.

BTW he has just got himself a satsuma from the fridge I said "can we share?" he said "yeah, love to" in a sarcastic tone.

OP posts:

Thingumy · 26/10/2011 21:07

I think I'm a bit meh about food issues such as these EllaDee as I'm just not that into food.

I do get narked my GU puddings get snaffled though

Original poster

Arachnophobic · 26/10/2011 21:08

Ella DP does the shopping online. If I asked him to add my treats I am sure he would. But sometimes I am not at home when he does it so I miss my opportunity and he doesn't usually offer. He pops to the shops as well sometimes and "forgets".

OP posts:

EllaDee · 26/10/2011 21:09

It doesn't sound petty, it sounds annoying.

I'm sorry, I'm probably a right cow but I would be really upset by that sort of thing. But then we only see a tiny slice of the situation in an AIBU so what do I know ...

Have you ever asked him if he realizes he's giving you all the burnt bits/fatty steak? Honestly, if my DH realized he was doing that he'd be first defensive (I wish this weren't true, but it so is!), then mortified. Is it worth a try?

sue52 · 26/10/2011 21:10

What is your Dh's background? I come from a very large family and it was everyone for themselves at meal times. I can't bear to see food going to waste as a result. Maybe with your DH this comes out as selfish behaviour. If there is no childhood reason, he is just a bit mean.

EllaDee · 26/10/2011 21:11

Cross-post - I see. Tape a note to the monitor?

It would irritate me a bit but if he's genuinely forgetful I'd say it's not a huge issue.

What bothers me from the way you tell it is the way he does all these things, not any one or two of them, you know? But like I say, I don't really know ...

NinkyNonker · 26/10/2011 21:13

DH is the youngest of 4 boys and it was very much every man for himself, hasn't made him a selfish arse when it comes to food though.

GreenEyesandNiceHam · 26/10/2011 21:13

I would be gutted if my DH gave me the cruddy stuff, it's the unwritten code of conduct in our house that you give the nicest bits to the 'other one'

The glaring exception is roast potatoes obviously, everyone knows you take the crunchiest, tastiest looking roast potatoes for yourself.

Original poster

Arachnophobic · 26/10/2011 21:15

Ella you are right he does all of these things. But as it's mainly down to food I tolerate it. If he was selfish all of the time about most things I dare say we wouldn't be together.

And I do wind him up to be fair. Sometimes because I know he doesn't like sharing I will ask him to share all the more. His face is a picture.

OP posts:

sunnydelight · 26/10/2011 21:15

If you know he won't share snacks why don't you just say "can you get me a satsuma too please". My DH will always take the burnt bit if he overcooks it, say "which plate do you want" etc. but will do things like pour himself a drink or get some peanuts without saying " would you like one" which I find really odd.

If you can't confront him directly I would start taking the nicer steak etc. as soon as it hits the plate, if he says "that one is mine" you can then make him justify why!

Original poster

Arachnophobic · 26/10/2011 21:16

sunny you are spot on about the drinks I never get offered one! But he will bet one himself.

OP posts:

HannahHack · 26/10/2011 21:18

My DP always makes sure I get the best bits and divides food in half, though he shouldn't as he is 6'1'' and I am 5'2''!

Food is v emotive though and my DP still remembers the time I popped out to the shops and he scoffed all the remaining naice ham!!! Grrr.

We have good friends, one of whom is one of 5 and the last time he was here pissed me off quite a lot as he wouldn't get out of the kitchen trying to serve himself before anyone else! He also insited on having his 'portion' of bread/cheese on his plate from the beginning rather than 'sharing'. I'm one of three and a generally big family so I do understand. Honest.

Sariah · 26/10/2011 21:24

We all have a secret stash of sweets in this house. The bit i find a little bit ironic is that the op thinks he is selfish for giving her the worse steak but surely her wanting it for herself is just the same. Men can be funny about their food though. I have and ex who is heavy and has a big appetite. We are good friends with him and he often has dinner with us. I have to be very careful not to give him more than dh or dh would probably take the extra off his plate. I dont really like sharing unless I buy something that is actually for sharing. Most food issues are from our childhood I would think.

ColdSancerre · 26/10/2011 21:27

It's not ironic to occasionally want the nice bit. Even in the title she says 'sometimes' not everytime. In her OP she asked her DH if she could which bit she had next time.

EndoplasmicReticulum · 26/10/2011 21:29

FIL is like this, he was one of 14 and if you were slow, you went hungry, apparently.

So husband grew up having to be very protective of his dinner - or he'd get the "are you leaving that?" and stuff nicked from his plate.

Big family thing, I think.

Original poster

Arachnophobic · 26/10/2011 21:30

Thank you cold. happy to have the shittier bit of steak now and again

OP posts:

EllaDee · 26/10/2011 21:35

Isn't it normal to offer the nicer bit to someone else at least half the time? I mean, I don't keep track of it but I don't routinely assume DH gets the crappy bit, and usually if there's an obvious difference we share bits out equally. That's normal right?

kakapo · 26/10/2011 21:37

sounds v annoying for you. i understand your DHs thinking on the satsuma though, why the hell would anyone share one of those tiny things?? hardly worth it.

Original poster

Arachnophobic · 26/10/2011 21:41

at kakapo.

I was just testing his reaction.

OP posts:

ColdSancerre · 26/10/2011 21:44

I must admit, when DP comes in a grabs my wine glass and slurps my Sancerre I do have mean thoughts. I'd happily give him half a satsuma though.

WhereDidAllThePuffinsGo · 26/10/2011 21:45

Wait until it's served out and on the table and then swap plates. If he complains, say "yours looked nicer". Then he's stuck - if he says they were both the same or yours was better, you can say "well that's alright then, no harm in swapping then". And if he says his was better than yours and he wants it back, then you can tell him to grow up!

About the shopping - I shop online. When I'm done I let dh know and he logs on and adds in whatever things he wants. Could you do that?

Dh wouldn't like sharing snacks - but when he got himself something he'd ask if I wanted anything.

EllaDee · 26/10/2011 21:45

'slurps my Sancerre'.

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