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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think it sick that ex-H had a baby shower without me, the pregnant mummy present?

40 replies

TheMummyAbroad · 26/10/2011 14:21

H and I separated 6 months ago when I was a few months pregnant (see Relationships thread, support for those in emotionally abusive relationships for all the gory details)

and since then he has had regular contact with our three year old DS.

I am 39 weeks now, and DS told me yesterday that "daddy is coming round to bring the baby presents from the party" today.

After a big more questioning it looks like he had a baby shower at the weekend, without me, and now wants to give me the presents. I am I feel like shouting at him "I am not an incubator!" and throwing the presents back in his face. GGGGRRRRRR! Does he just think he can join in on all the "fun" bits of being a parent while avoiding all the hard bits?

Am I BU? Should I accept the presents? I dont think I can bring myself to say "thank you" without choking on the vomit in my mouth.

OP posts:

SnapesMistressofFear · 26/10/2011 14:23

That is pretty bonkers. I could see him having one for him and his firnds when the baby is born but when you are pregnant? That is weird. OTOH, free stuff?

Putrifyno · 26/10/2011 14:23

Did HE throw it though? It does sound odd i admit.....

GypsyMoth · 26/10/2011 14:24

Maybe it's stuff he needs at his place for access time?

OiMissus · 26/10/2011 14:26

Was it really a baby shower, or was it just a get together with his side of the family, who may have wanted to get gifts for the new baby, but were treading carefully - so as to include him, rather than go directly to you, and upset him?
tis difficult to comment on this, without being aware of the set up since the separation of your families and friends.
...I find it difficult to imagine a man throwing a baby shower.

KurriKurri · 26/10/2011 14:28

I think it's weird behaviour on his part. On the other hand the presents are not from him, they are from other people for the new baby, he's just the delivery boy.

If he did it to get at you in some way, he'll get satisfaction out of seeing you annoyed, so I'd play it calm and matter of fact.

naturalbaby · 26/10/2011 14:29

how strange. depends what the presents are and who they are from. it's still his baby though isn't it so if they are presents for the baby - his baby, then i don't see why he shouldn't give them to you if the baby is going to be living with you.

worraliberty · 26/10/2011 14:32

I think it's a refreshing take on these baby shower things.

As much as I don't like them, I have always thought it a bit one sided that the Mother gets all the fuss and attention when both parents are expecting a baby.

Accept them with the good grace they were offered and hold your own baby shower if that's what you wish to have.

NoMoreWasabi · 26/10/2011 14:33

What OiMissus said. I'd suspect it is presents from his family.

fluffythevampirestabber · 26/10/2011 14:33

Depends if it was a "proper" baby shower or just a gathering for his side of the family to help kit him out with stuff he'll need for the new baby.

Original poster

TheMummyAbroad · 26/10/2011 14:35

I should explain that I live in Costa Rica, I am British he is Costa Rican, there are a lot of cultural differences, baby showers before birth are de rigur here and he would have been under a lot of pressure from his mum (who he now lives with) who must have resented missing the chance to throw such a party (will bet money she threw it) His whole family dropped contact with me as soon as we split (I was never well liked for being "foreign" anyway)

However DS mentioned the name of some of H's male friends who were there and bought presents, so it must have been a boozy male, type party too. I think thats what is pissing me off, the though of him sitting around drinking and laughing with his mates while his mum caters for the guests and he basks in the glory of being a new father - he hasnt had to do any of the hard work - and IMO doesnt deserve a party!

I just feel insulted as well that, he celebrates, the baby gets gifts (not that I begrudge my baby having gifts) and I am just by passed like some akward barely necessary middleman!

KurriKurri you are dead right about keeping calm, I have managed it for 6 months so far, this time my buttons have really been pushed though

OP posts:

rhondajean · 26/10/2011 14:36

Your DH is 3! Wait and see what the real story is before you get yourself worked up. At 3 it is very easy to get stories confused.

If he did have a baby shower, yes its a bit - unusual - but if he is bringing yu the stuff, hoorah. Would you rather he had invited you too?

Never turn down presents in my book!!

And relax - you dont to stress about trivial things at 39 weeks.

worraliberty · 26/10/2011 14:38

Well it's nice he was able to have a few drinks and celebrate with his friends...and if his mum enjoyed throwing a party for him because she feels she missed out on throwing one for you, I don't see the problem.

Of course you naturally have your feelings of anger towards him but to be honest, this isn't particularly something worth getting angry/stressed over imo.

Sometimes ex's only have to breath and we're annoyed with them

Original poster

TheMummyAbroad · 26/10/2011 14:39

worraliberty"I have always thought it a bit one sided that the Mother gets all the fuss and attention when both parents are expecting a baby."

I take offence at that, on behalf of all pregnant women who NEED a bit of fuss and attention at one of the most difficult times of their lives. I hope you dont really believe that pregnancy it is EQUALLY hard on both parents?

OP posts:

Original poster

TheMummyAbroad · 26/10/2011 14:41

worral and rhonda you are right, I am getting all worked up and stressed and its not worth it. Everything is a bit hard right now

OP posts:

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 26/10/2011 14:45

Of course pregnancy isn't equally difficult for both parents (as a rule that is - I'm sure there are exceptions).

But it is his baby too.

YANBU to feel annoyed/confused/resentful or whatever - but YABU to call it "sick".

iMemoo · 26/10/2011 14:50

It's his baby too.

Why can't he get together with family and friends to celebrate?

I'm a bit confused as to why you would call it sick?

Original poster

TheMummyAbroad · 26/10/2011 14:53

Janai fair enough, maybe its not "sick" but it is upsetting. It just reminded me how alone I am in all this, yet I am still expected to provide the baby for him and his family to enjoy/play with at weekends.

Being given the presents does feel a bit like he is rubbing my face in it too - "here have these, we had a great time at the party without you, look what you missed" I think if things were the other way around, I would keep the presents to use at my house to use when I had the baby visiting.

OP posts:

worraliberty · 26/10/2011 14:54

Ok, best you read it again in context OP.

We're talking about baby showers aren't we? Where friends give presents and make a fuss of the mother (as a rule) and not the father....when they're both celebrating the up and coming birth of their baby.

Yes pregnant women NEED fuss and attention but they don't NEED baby showers. Therefore I think it's refreshing to see a man have one that's all.

rhondajean · 26/10/2011 14:54

Yeah it must be really difficult for you right now.

Just try to pick your fights - you have enough on your plate - and enjoy the presents!!!

Original poster

TheMummyAbroad · 26/10/2011 14:54

memoo x posts - hope that last one explains it - fair enough celebrate and get presents, but why give them to me afterwards? I dont want to be reminded of how easy and fun his life is now that he has ditched all his responsibilities.

OP posts:

MoaninMinny · 26/10/2011 14:55

Should I accept the presents?

they arent for you

aldiwhore · 26/10/2011 14:57

I think you need a hug TheMummyAbroad and I understand why you feel miffed about everything. If you and your ex were together I would definitely think it very odd that you weren't invited to your child's babyshower (even though I hate babyshowers) but you and your ex aren't together, the only tie between you is your children. One he can pick up and take to the swings or something, the other is still in your belly. He can love 'it', celebrate a babyshower, and be a daddy without inviting you or involving you.

I do hope he sees you as more than just an incubator, I hope he respects you as the mother of his children, but that doesn't mean that you have to be present at the babyshower, even if its weird that you BABY wasn't there as they usually are!

You need your friends around you, its their job to give you attention now that you're not with the father of the baby anymore. It must suck. x

rhondajean · 26/10/2011 14:58

You know, there might never even have been a baby shower, 3 year olds do get very confused.

HappyMummyOfOne · 26/10/2011 14:59

"yet I am still expected to provide the baby for him and his family to enjoy/play with at weekends. "

You are both having a child, only you can carry it and so yes he's allowed to look forward to the baby and spending time with it. You may not be a couple but he will always be a father. You need to set aside your issues, the baby is a part of both of you.

Baby showers are tacky regardless of who has them but his family and friends have the right to celebrate in any way they choose with him.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 26/10/2011 15:02

If these are gifts you otherwise wouldn't have received for the baby (seeing as his family aren't keen on you), perhaps he went along with it for your benefit as much as his.

Not that I imagine it was a particular hardship for him.

Your situation does sound difficult though OP and I don't envy you.

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