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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think it sick that ex-H had a baby shower without me, the pregnant mummy present?

40 replies

TheMummyAbroad · 26/10/2011 14:21

H and I separated 6 months ago when I was a few months pregnant (see Relationships thread, support for those in emotionally abusive relationships for all the gory details)

and since then he has had regular contact with our three year old DS.

I am 39 weeks now, and DS told me yesterday that "daddy is coming round to bring the baby presents from the party" today.

After a big more questioning it looks like he had a baby shower at the weekend, without me, and now wants to give me the presents. I am Shock I feel like shouting at him "I am not an incubator!" and throwing the presents back in his face. GGGGRRRRRR! Does he just think he can join in on all the "fun" bits of being a parent while avoiding all the hard bits?

Am I BU? Should I accept the presents? I dont think I can bring myself to say "thank you" without choking on the vomit in my mouth.AngryAngry

OP posts:
TheQueenOfDeDead · 26/10/2011 15:02

It's his baby too so I find it really difficult to see a problem with him having what by your own admission is a culturally normal party to celebrate the arrival of his baby.

You talk about him only doing the good bits - well at the moment there is little he can do since you are by necessity carrying the baby but he has cpntact with your other DC so presumably he does also parent?

Original poster
TheMummyAbroad · 26/10/2011 15:02

aldiwhore thanks for the virtual hug. I am having a good blubber now. I think I just feel left out and alone - stupid really, because I really dont want to be with the man and I hate babyshowers too - but it feels like a snub, and thats not nice, and its hard being out here all on my own without family and being reminded that he has a huge network of family and friends taking care of him

I think I need to log off AIBU and focuss on something else for a while, because dwelling on it isnt really helping.

moaninminny good point.

thanks for your responses though everyone.xxx

OP posts:
worraliberty · 26/10/2011 15:05

I wonder if there are any Parent and Child groups you could join to build up your own circle of friends OP?

Good luck anyway....it absolutely does get easier but sometimes it feels as though it needs to get a bit worse before that finally happens.

It will happen though.

prettyfly1 · 26/10/2011 15:05

Ahh Mummy, I was already to flame you but you sound like your just finding it really hard, are tired and need some support. He hasnt really done anything wrong you know, it is his child too but you are in a miserable position. Can you do anything nice for yourself? Maybe get some friends round and have a bit of a girly afternoon with you being a wee bit spoiled?

ThatsNotMyBabyBelly · 26/10/2011 15:05

I have not words of advice at all but YANBU. No woman in the late stages of pregnancy is ever BU Wink

Must be horribly hard for you. I hope you have some support from friends or will be able to get to family soon.

IzzyWizzyletsgetbusy · 26/10/2011 15:13

Just popping in because I thought you could do with a ((hug)). I genuinely have no idea if you're BU or not but it would get to me too (rightly or wrongly) and I would feel very hurt at his family's attitude so I can understand where you're coming from...things must seem really hard right now, it's tough going at 39 weeks at the best of times, let alone when you're on your own and feel like you're doing all the hard work while he's just doing the fun bits Sad. You have your ds though and you will have your baby very soon and it will be worth it, so try to focus in that and let the rest wash over you x

architien · 26/10/2011 15:26

Crikey can't feel nice but OTOH you need to accept he's going to do a tonne of things that will annoy you in the years coming. I assume one of the reasons you split up was an attempt to lessen his ability to upset you so big sigh and let this go, don't even talk to him about it.
If you are receiving gifts for the baby then take a note who gives what and send cards out directly to them to say thank you. You're a self respecting lady don't let what he gets up to in his own time influence that.
Then let go of all this tension. You and this birth is all that matters. You relax, enjoy this time and when the time comes make the birth as empowering and safe as possible by leaving relationship nonsense out of the delivery room if you can.

zookeeper · 26/10/2011 15:30

I understand why you are annoyed but you really must aim to get yourself to a position where you couldn't care less what he does or you may as well still be with him.

Accept the presents and smile graciously.

HeresTheScaryThingBooyhoo · 26/10/2011 15:31

sick? hardly.

YABU

it's a baby shower, not pregnant mummy shower. the gifts are for the baby and if one of the parents wants to have a shower so their friend and family can give their presents then that's up to him. he is no less a parent just because he can't carry the baby until it's born.

HeresTheScaryThingBooyhoo · 26/10/2011 15:35

"he basks in the glory of being a new father - he hasnt had to do any of the hard work - and IMO doesnt deserve a party!"

ock come on!! are you for real? it's not like he had a choice whether to get carry the baby or not!! and who are you to say who gets to have a party? if i want a party. i'll have one, there is no 'deserving' about it.

grow up. you sound about 6.

HeresTheScaryThingBooyhoo · 26/10/2011 15:38

"I am still expected to provide the baby for him and his family to enjoy/play with at weekends."

when you get pregnant with someone you agree to them taking equal responsibility for the child. it isn't about providing the child for them to play with at weekends it is upholding the child's right to have a relationship with teh person YOU chose to be it's father.

thefirstMrsDeVeerie · 26/10/2011 15:43

I understand the the OP's ex was abusive.

I think this puts a slightly different slant on things and perhaps posters shouldnt be quite so harsh?

Maybe.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 26/10/2011 16:51

I hope I haven't been harsh :(

The whole thing sounds horrible.

I like zookeeper's advice.

ZombiePlan · 26/10/2011 17:19

Think he's being a little bit rude. It's frankly odd to exclude the pregnant mother from the babyshower - a celebration of the impending new arrival - is it not?

You don't have to accept this stuff if you don't want it - you could always tell him you've already got/chosen all the stuff you need. Suggest that he should keep the things at his place for use when he has his contact time.

marthastew · 26/10/2011 19:23

What architian said.

It sounds like things must be very tough for you. In the long term, is there anything you can do to strengthen your support network?

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