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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

suicide -

40 replies

noniks · 26/10/2011 08:58

DH's brother killed himself abroad 2 weeks since.
Massive shock to all including his elderly parents who live in another country again - so 3 countries involved.

Obviously he must have been so desperate and low it doesn't bear thinking of.
He was the favourite son by a mile, he could do no wrong and now my DH is picking up the bits. DH and him weren't close as they were treated so differently as kids - with BIL getting the attention and approval and DH seen as a bit of a dissapointment. (DH is anything but - in fact he's a great human being - BIL had a nasty streak)
BIL it turns out was gay - but hadn't told his parents - so this is all going to come out soon - probably at the graveside! - They will be devastated all over again that he hadn't told them.
He was very clever, financially secure, happy - but then was arrested in the US for something dodgy (which his parents don't know about) and then this happened very soon after -

His parents are too distressed to do anything -so funeral arrangements are left to people we barely know in the US to sort out. DH has taken a week off work already to go to be with his parents. They have decided his funeral etc should be in the US - so DH and I have to escort elderly, distressed parents to the US to their eldest son's funeral. This means 4 / 5 days off work (both work full time) plus all associated arrangements for someone looking after the animals / business / house etc - plus a huge amount of money, and stress and a long journey for two old, deeply hurt people.

Then someone's got to sort out the legals, his apartment where he died, and 100 other things....

DH is stressed beyond all belief - and every emotion is being tried for size - guilt, grief, anger, you name it. I'm trying but am getting increasingly stressed trying to be strong and silent.

AIBU to be finding this whole friggin mess hard to deal with? And to feel so bad for my DH who is trying his best and struggling and pushing me away. I'm pissed off and angry

OP posts:
LoveBeingAWitch · 26/10/2011 09:00

What a horrible mess, im so sorry for each if you.

WelshMoth · 26/10/2011 09:06

This is hideous for you, for you all. Suicide has a catastrophic effect on everyone around and I feel terribly for you all.

YANBU at all to be feeling like this - don't be angry at DH, he's struggling and for the moment, all you can do is pick up the pieces and be there, should he need you emotionally.

As for work, can't they grant you compassionate leave? Any sort of bereavement is terrible, but bereavement of this kind is soul-splitting.

I don't know what else to say. What a horrible mess. I'm so sorry for you all.
Keep in touch here - it's safe to vent and it'll ease the pressure a bit.

Again, so sorry.

gypsycat · 26/10/2011 09:07

YANBU, I don't see how you could feel any other way. I think you should feel what you feel, and give your DH the space to feel what he feels, until this mess is dealt with. Be there for him when he asks for help and stay the hell out of the way when he doesn't. It's a crappy situation all around, but it will be over before you know it. I'm sorry for both you & your DH.

porcamiseria · 26/10/2011 09:09

horrible , poor you, poor DH and poor parents

suicide is a selfish act, its like massive "fuck you", so its verynormal that DH will have equal measures of anger, and grief

lots of love, may be rest in peace XXXX

iscream · 26/10/2011 09:10

I am so sorry to hear this. Hopefully your bil did have a will and had appointed an executor. All I can say is get enough rest and eat properly and try and keep your strength up. You will be carrying a heavy burden for the next few weeks.

Once you get back home again, you may want to look up a suicide support group. A friend who's husband committed suicide, got a lot of useful coping skills and support from one.
Hang in there.

Tenebrist · 26/10/2011 09:22

noniks I've PMd you.

HauntedHengshanRoad · 26/10/2011 09:26

Please don't say that suicide is a selfish act, Porca. It isn't always the case. People who kill themselves are truly in the depths of despair when they act, and it's hurtful to label them as selfish.

WelshMoth · 26/10/2011 09:26

gypsycat, good advice.

laluna · 26/10/2011 09:28

So so sorry - wish there was something more helpful I could do.

youcantparkthatthere · 26/10/2011 09:32

Morning Noniks, I think your definetely NBU. As tragic as suicide is for the individual concerned, I've always viewd suicide as probably the most violent act you can inflict on those around you. We dont know what was behind it and, yes, he must have felt dreadful. That doesn't make the feelings of impotence and rage in those around him any less valid.
Hope you and family cope as well as you can and you dont uncover too many unpleasant and unexpected factors in his lifestyle, there always are. I agree with other posters that you need to look after yourself very well in the coming weeks/months.
Take care

Angel786 · 26/10/2011 09:38

Yanbu, I'm sure there will be many emotions you go through.

Maybe try to keep the gay piece from your pil if possible so as not to cause them devastation?

Cassettetapeandpencil · 26/10/2011 09:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

funnyperson · 26/10/2011 09:41

It is a tragic shock and hard to deal with. Your DH will be missing his brother and trying to come to terms with this so that might be why he is being distant. The time off work is unexpected but it is nobody's fault. Denial, anger and grief are all natural reactions. This will pass away and resolve in time so keep going through the difficult patch and support your DH as best as you can: I probably don't need to say this but don't say anything hurtful to him which you may regret later. I am sorry you all have to go through this. What a terrible thing to have happened.

JajasWjolef · 26/10/2011 09:45

I'm so sorry that this has happened to your family Sad.

We have experienced suicide in our family, it is deeply traumatic and beyond anything I've ever been through.

Porca, how can you say that suicide is selfish? It is a desperate act for god's sake, not something you do to try and upset people! You clearly don't understand how low people can get, they are not being selfish they just cannot cope anymore.

Really thinking of you OP.

xx

Onemorning · 26/10/2011 09:53

YANBU. My heart goes out to you all. My closest friend killed herself in 2005 and it was (emotionally) like being hit by a truck.

ZillionChocolate · 26/10/2011 09:57

Sorry to hear this. I agree it might be helpful to seek support of people who've gone through the same experience. Definitely try not to get angry with DH, talk to him before you get to breaking point.

omgomgomg · 26/10/2011 10:04

Suicide only seems selfish as it causes grief/lots of unexpected hassle to many people.

No-one in their right mind (possibly excluding the terminally ill taking back some control) commits suicide and that explains it. They were out of their mind with grief/worry for some reason. IMHO they were not thinking "fuck you" to the world when they did it.

cestlavielife · 26/10/2011 10:14

horrible thing to go thru.

you could try some of the links here - maybe calling one of the helplines either you or your H would help

www.uk-sobs.org.uk/useful_websites.htm

Hardgoing · 26/10/2011 10:21

I am so sorry to hear about this. My thoughts are that he found being the golden son very hard and obviously thought he couldn't go on with his life the way it was, which is very sad for him and very hard for everyone else. You need to have a way to offload yourself (once your husband has offloaded onto you)- I would call RL friends and say you need a hand right now as you will need support to support DH (as well as grieving yourself, as you obviously had a relationship with him too).

cornycabana · 26/10/2011 10:21

sorry for your loss OP Sad

duckdodgers · 26/10/2011 10:30

Suicide is ultimately a selfish act - because the person is only caring about their pain and not the feelings and pain of their loved ones afterwards. However this is only natural if you are that deeply disturbed - it is a selfish act but doesn't necessarily make them a selfish person if that makes sense, only a mentally unwell one. When you are that down that the only solution (that appears to you) is to end your life then you are not thinking of other people, only a way to end your pain. Some people can also genuinely believe that their loved ones would be better off without them.

Im so sorry.

KatAndKit · 26/10/2011 10:34

I'm so sorry that you and your family and your inlaws are having to go through such a terrible time. YANBU to be feeling whatever you feel at the moment. I have no helpful advice but I hope you are getting some support.

BiscuitNibbler · 26/10/2011 10:37

I really feel for you.

I do think though, that if it is going to be obvious at the funeral that he was gay / arrested for something dodgy then you somehow need to broach this with the PIL beforehand, as it would be really horrible for them to find out at the funeral.

Unfortunately I have no idea how you should go about this. Are there any aunts or uncles or close friends who could help with this to avoid your DH having to appear the bad guy?

JajasWjolef · 26/10/2011 10:39

I cannot accept that it is selfish. I think it is utterly brave to be honest.

So hard in this instance that the OP's extended family are in the States. Makes it ten times more difficult I imagine and so awful for the parents.

oohlaalaa · 26/10/2011 10:40

I'm so sorry for what you and your DH are going through.

I think your DH needs to sit down with his parents, and tell them that their son was gay, miss out the something dodgy, as they may not find out about this.

If they find out about the something dodgy, it will seem unimportant. They love their son regardless. Something similar happened in my family. Stay strong.

xx