suicide -

[noniks]

DH's brother killed himself abroad 2 weeks since.
Massive shock to all including his elderly parents who live in another country again - so 3 countries involved.

Obviously he must have been so desperate and low it doesn't bear thinking of.
He was the favourite son by a mile, he could do no wrong and now my DH is picking up the bits. DH and him weren't close as they were treated so differently as kids - with BIL getting the attention and approval and DH seen as a bit of a dissapointment. (DH is anything but - in fact he's a great human being - BIL had a nasty streak)
BIL it turns out was gay - but hadn't told his parents - so this is all going to come out soon - probably at the graveside! - They will be devastated all over again that he hadn't told them.
He was very clever, financially secure, happy - but then was arrested in the US for something dodgy (which his parents don't know about) and then this happened very soon after -

His parents are too distressed to do anything -so funeral arrangements are left to people we barely know in the US to sort out. DH has taken a week off work already to go to be with his parents. They have decided his funeral etc should be in the US - so DH and I have to escort elderly, distressed parents to the US to their eldest son's funeral. This means 4 / 5 days off work (both work full time) plus all associated arrangements for someone looking after the animals / business / house etc - plus a huge amount of money, and stress and a long journey for two old, deeply hurt people.

Then someone's got to sort out the legals, his apartment where he died, and 100 other things....

DH is stressed beyond all belief - and every emotion is being tried for size - guilt, grief, anger, you name it. I'm trying but am getting increasingly stressed trying to be strong and silent.

AIBU to be finding this whole friggin mess hard to deal with? And to feel so bad for my DH who is trying his best and struggling and pushing me away. I'm pissed off and angry

My cousin's parents would have forgiven their daughter murder, they loved her so much.

What came out at the inquest, seemed so inconsequential. My aunt and uncle felt they could have worked through it, if she'd chosen to share her worries with them. They were not as judgy as their daughter thought they were. They were and still are devastated, and worry that they'd placed high expectations on their talented and beautiful daughter, which may have contributed.

xx

YANBU to be angry/pissed off/ stressed. It's a totally natural reaction.

So sorry to hear you are going through this.

condolences to you and family :(

Angry and pissed off are natural emotions. My FIL took his own life 3 years ago, and we still experience those feelings, although not as raw now. And yes, I do think it is a very very selfish act, but I would think most people who commit suicide are not thinking rationally at the time about the mess that gets left behind. :(

So sorry for your loss. I'm not surprised you're feeling that way. Wishing you lots of strength to get through the coming weeks.

You/your DH may find this document helpful. You can get a free hard copy by quoting 274206/Help is at Hand and contacting:
DH Publications Orderline, PO Box 777, London SE1 6XH
Email: [email protected]
Tel: 08701 555 455 Fax: 01623 724 524 Textphone: 08700 102 870 (8am to 6pm Monday to Friday)

My heart goes out to you and your family - it truly is an awful time. We had a very similar experience, albeit not with the added complication of different countries being involved.

What I would say is that mostly people will want to be as sensitive to his parents as possible - please don't dread graveside revelations. Can you get in touch with the people in the US arranging the funeral and give them a heads up that the parents don't know he was gay and ask them if there is anything else you should be aware of before the parents come over? They might want to check the apartment before you visit for example. Or perhaps tip you off about people who might be problematic.

And you are definitely not being unreasonable to find this hard to deal with - it's incredibly hard and incredibly frustrating and you have every right to feel angry. How you actually act though is the key here - stay strong!

A close friend of mine killed herself suddenly about 4 months ago - a total shock to us all. She was gay, but her family didn't know - until they turned up at the funeral and saw a whole load of obviously gay people there.

Dealing with suicide is very very hard - much worse than an "ordinary" bereavement. There are various internet forums out there for those affected - called survivors of suicide. There is also SOBS a UK group that run support groups for those affected.

Suicide brings up many feelings including massive anger, guilt, shock as well as all the usual feelings of bereavement.

I think YANBU to feel angry and upset or for your DH to be struggling with his emotions either. Unfortunately its going to be a very tough time for all of you.

In terms of practicalities, if people in US are willing to organise the funeral they may be perfectly willing to help with some of the other practicalities. You may not know them, but they may have been very close to your BIL. For example, a relative took all the valuables and paperwork from my friend's flat, but it was her friends who sorted the rest of the flat out e.g. sorting clothes, china, etc and taking them to a charity shop

YANBU to feel all sorts of things in these circs, normal to ping between sad/angry/scared/confused/numb/alright over and over again after a big shock and a suicide.

So sorry for you and your family, take care.

Suicide in itself is horrendous for those left behind, but the ramifications in this case are making it worse for you and the family to deal with.
Would it be sensible to arm the parents regarding his sexuality, therefor they have a bit longer to get their heads around it, rather than them finding out at the graveside.
Whichever way this goes, your dh is going to need you, he just doesn't realise how much yet. I think it's normal for him to push you away, not only has he lost his brother, he's having to deal with far more than anyone ever should.

Hugs to you.

Sally x

You're all incredibly kind - and so practical too, thank you.
I have no idea how to explain the facts about him being gay to his parents - but then again the funeral is in California so I imagine it will be a full on gay affair - so I have to find a way. Though DH is adamant that his dad shouldn't know - he's scared the shock of it on top of everything else is enough to finish him off. Not the fact that he was gay but that there was this whole secret life he led.....where do I start?

The funeral might not be a full on gay affair - but just an ordinary funeral. But at my friends there were about 30 women without men - half of whom "looked like" lesbians - so it was obvious from that, my friend was a lesbian. Could you or your DP phone the people in the US and say that his parents didn't know he was gay. And ask them do you need to tell the parents before the funeral that he was gay, because it will be obvious at the funeral?

If they say yes then you can talk to your DP about this and say surely it will be more upsetting for them to suddenly realise during the funeral. If they say no, then you don't need to tell them.

Don't ask people in US to pretend that he wasn't gay though. It may after all be almost impossible for them to e.g. if all or virtually all his friends are gay men, this will be obvious.

It would be useful to know if he had a boyfriend before you went there as well. If he had, people in US will treat him, rightly, as an important mourner, so his parents may need to know this as well.

In terms of telling them I think it would be fair enough to say that as their DS was abroad it was natural that he didn't always share the day-to-day details of his life as you might if he lived round the corner from them. One of the things he didn't share is that he was gay. I don't think you can say much more than that actually. There isn't really a more subtle way to say it that they will understand.

Yes they will be shocked, but with suicide, especially where it is unexpected, one of the things you have to face is that you didn't know as much about the person as you thought you did - even if this is just their innermost thoughts. tbh I suspect that after the very initial shock, the suicide will remain the large issue and this will seem in contrast less important.

Just to say that in the immediate aftermath of my friends suicide, there were long discussions between friends about what to say to her family and to other friends. We agonised over this as we didn't want to make things worse for anyone. In the end we were just fairly honest about everything.

I guess what I am trying to say, is that I understand your DH's feelings now, but they may change after a few days or a week. At the moment, he will understandably want to shield his parents from further pain and won't be thinking straight about what happens at the funeral or afterwards.

noniks - I am really really sorry you are all going through this. There are so many conflicting emotions, especially for your DH. I agree that it's probably best to try to find out if it will be clear at the funeral that your BIL was gay, if not then maybe just see how it goes - but if there will be a grieving partner or close friends there - then forewarned is forearmed isn't it.

You both need to speak to work, give a broad outline of what you have to do and hopefully get compassionate leave.

It might be hard on your DH & his parents that after the funeral they will go their separate ways again, but on the other hand, for your DH it may not be a bad thing.

I hope you can persuade DH to have at least a couple of sessions with a counsellor - he is going to have a lot to deal with. Suicide is hard enough, but so much harder when you already had a difficult relationship.

Thinking of you all
x

Are the parents really very elderly? I know this might sound silly, but in all their grief they might not actually 'twig' that he was gay by the behaviour or dress of the other mourners. Maybe I'm being unduly optimistic, but I'm not convinced my father would really notice something like that under the circumstances. I guess you can't really take that risk though, what a nightmare for you all..

What a horrible situation for you and your family. YADNBU to feel this way.

Please try to remember that you personally are not responsible for your DH grief, the way he grieves or any of the actions/reactions of others in your family to your BIL suicide. Yes I'm sure there are thoughts of easing the parents pain, but realistically I doubt if anything could make it any worse for them anyway. If they really do not know their favourite son was gay then I agree with Jajas that it is unlikely they would notice even with a full on Californian gay funeral.

I also agree that you need an outlet yourself for your feelings or you are likely to have a 'moment' at the wrong place/time