To think there should be a 'Public Transport Proficiency Test'

[ChairOfTheBored]

I commute into London from a commuter belt 'burb, which means that twice a day I must inflict upon myself the joys of the tube and a crowded commuter train. I accept this isn't pleasant, but part of the price you pay for fields at the weekend.

But today was so much worse owing to the various sins of my fellow travelers, including (but by no means limited to):

Stopping in the middle of a busy mainline railway station's tube interchange to read a text message- not to one side you understand, but at the bottom of the flipping steps causing huge commuting pile up of bodies and brief cases;

using the only available handrail in a standing room only train carriage to lean your full body against, meaning no one else (chiefly me) can hold on to it to prevent ourselves skittering round the carriage as the train hits points without folding ourselves around you in a commuter display of body origami (I'm looking at you, lady in unattractively boxy jacket);

resting large and heavy suitcases on my feet (you again, jacket lady - in her defence, perhaps she was concerned for my safety, given I could anchor myself no other way); and

the usual ticket barrier kerfuffle where one doesn't bother to remove ticket from hefty bag until actually AT the barrier.

So, am I being unreasonable to think people should have to pass some form of test before being allowed to use public transport in peak times.

Or am I simply being a big old grump

Academy, it's when people stop dead stock still at the bottom of an escalator in rush hour to pull the pissing handle out of said pully case that makes me wonder if the owner of the case would notice if I went slightly postal on the bloody things....

Because they obviously aren't aware of anyone else being around them. So they woudn't notice me ripping the handle and wheels off the case, right?

Yes, the lack of wing mirror to check if anyone is behind you is a problem.

The worst bit is when the stations finally come up on the departure board, it's like some high complex Scottish dance as people charge into, over and across each other with the sodding things.

I just bump hard into those bottom-of-the-escalator-case-handle-extractors and say "excuse me" as they jolt forward. I see it as instant karma feedback :D

Thanks all for the tips to help me pass my public transport proficiency test in London at peak times tomorrow .

Will try for a merit on the 'pay for tickets with forrin (Scottish) money' topic ...

oh I quite like the public displays of affection on buses/trains. Grumpy, unromantic things you are!

beansandspuds - yes the taking up two seats in an annoyance. I get on my train with a large rucksack and reading material for the time I have. ( Andrew will be loving me more by the second!) I always shift stuff whe napproaching a new station, in case. My fellow travellers just don't seem to bother. If you need assistance with the wheeliebin, let me know.

So glad I don't have to commute as I work from home and pretty much everywhere I want to go is within walking distance. Though I was on the tube a few weeks back coming back from an overnight visit to my parents, I had a toddler that I was carrying, a 7 yr old and an overnight bag. My station is quite central and the tube is always packed when it gets to my stop. So as the train was pullling into station I made a 'show' that I was getting ready to get off and then said excuse me at least 3 times, the woman blocking the door moved about 6 inches which was by no means enough room to let me off, eventually I tell her to get off and get back on again you stupid . Its like people leave all their common sense at home.

A woman I work with is very obviously pg, she is small frame with a beach ball size bump, and recently she was actually barged out the way by some woman who then threw herself into the seat she was about to sit in and also threw her bag on the one next to it to save it for her husband. What my friend went on to say (very loudly in the busy carriage) did shame the woman into moving though/

The worst is people who wander slowly down corridors between tube platforms, vacillating unpredictably from side to side, so it is impossible to overtake them

Pan, dear Pan, for having reading material your sins are all forgiven you!

beanandspud what if I've bought a second ticket so that my bag can rest its little straps in peace?

then Tortoise all is forgiven. It's the 99.9% of the rest of the ticket-less bags that should be propelled from the train at high speed!

thanks Andrew. I can't begin to tell you how relieved I am.

Yanbu. It's not just public transport though. The amount of morons who wonder slowly round the middle of crowded shops while texting is unbelievable.

Have to say with the tube though.....when I was in London with dd it annoyed me that at the ticket barriers I'd put dds ticket in and the barrier wouldn't open. There would be people behind us tutting while I had to rescue dd and the ticket and pull them to one side. Tube worker said that sometimes they lock the barriers for child tickets, but sometimes they did and sometimes they didn't so you never knew whether to try it or not.

'only ten seconds, no one is that important', eh?

Sitting in the outside seat, by the doors, gets me off the train first. Otherwise I'd have to amble slowly behind the enormous wheely suitcase brigade.

I sat in the right carriage, so those doors stop right by the bottom of the stairs.

This means I get up the stairs first, so I can take them two at a time, and change platforms in under a minute. Otherwise I'd have to follow those poor souls who are slow/lazy/texting/slurping/wearing unsuitable footwear, meaning they take the stairs at a snail's pace.

This means I catch the service which leaves a minute after my train arrives. Otherwise I'd have to wait a further ten minutes for the next one.

This means I get the quick service which doesn't stop. Another four minutes saved.

As it is the quick service, I can stand by the doors, because the first stop is where I'm getting off. Because I actually pay attention to what is going on around me, I am carrying my rucksack instead of wearing it, so I can move to let people past if they need to get past. It also means I have hands free to help anyone struggling with pushchairs or massive suitcases, because I am not a twat who just stares at people instead of giving them a hand.

This means I am first off the train again, ready to take the stairs two at a time. Otherwise it is another three minutes with the slow/lazy/texting/slurping/footwear brigade.

At the top of the stairs I have my ticket in my hand, ready for the barriers. The right hand, because that is the side the slot is. Because I got there first, it is a smooth transition out of the station. Otherwise, another minute waiting for those of us who didn't think that they might need to use their tickets despite being told so on the train to fumble about in their bags.

All these things add up to a saving of about 20 minutes. And that's just on the way to work.

20 minutes every day: that's an hour I can spend doing something more useful every week.

Say, for instance, leaving work a bit earlier, so I can catch the fast train home, which arrives 45mins earlier than the next train, and join in bathtime with my daughter.

Sure, it's not heart surgery, but all those tiny savings add up to something that matters to me.

And I thought being held up by 2 lollipop ladies on the way to work (and occassionally a dustbin lorry) was my idea of commuting hell...............

I am joining in with the London commute whinge, I have a list ...

1. When you are in a crowded tube carriage, squashed in like a sardine, do NOT let out a big sigh/huff, expelling your vile morning breath into the face of the poor sod squished up against you.

1. When the train is clearly full, do not vault yourself on, pushing forward the people you think can create room for you by breathing in a bit. It makes me want to punch you in the face, one day I will carry this threat out, I'm sure.

1. Turn your sodding i-pod/mp3 player down, I do not want to hear your shitty music, blasting out of your tinny sounding earphones at 7.45am.

1. I am short, yes, but I am not an arm rest, do not reach over my head, putting your pit in my face, to hold on to a pole.

1. If you are a man using the tube, please do not squash against me with your crotch, and make no attempt to stop, even when congestion in the carriage eases a bit. It sickens me, and...see the end of point 2.

Ooooh-ho-ho - thank God I'm not the only one. Here's a few of my experiences:

1. The man who burped on my head. True. I heard the noise, then felt the breeze...

1. The people who jump on a tube at the last minute and knock everyone out of the way. A woman did this the other day and then said: "thanks", to which I replied: "Didn't have much choice really..."

1. Being only 5'2" I appear to be at perfect 'rucksack in the tits' level. When someone stands to close in front of me wearing a rucksack I get a whack to the chesticles at every jolt and shudder. Last time my protective arm across the boobs manouvre prompted a cheeky grin from a cute man though so, not all bad. This also goes for tall women with handbags that seem to be made out of concrete.

1. People who stand at the doors to packed trains shouting : "Can you move down please" when it's obvious people are as squished in as can be.

1. People who have their iPods turned up so loud I can hear the music. Last night's treat was some kind of thrash metal.

1. People who fill seats up with bags/cases/camping gear and make a huge performance out of moving it so you can sit. Did your tent buy a season ticket? No? Then move it or it's going out the window.

1. Loud groups of young foreign students yelling, getting in the way and generally being loud and shouty.

1. Best experience yet: I'm lugging heavy suitcase (yes I know but I had to for work). Get on train to find only one seat left by the window, woman in the aisle seat. I stood there and kind of said: "Umm, I'm really sorry but I have this heavy suitcase, I was wondering if maybe I could sit in the aisle seat so I can hold onto it (It would break toes if it fell over). She looks up from her book and simply says: "I'd rather not" and looks back down. I still see her on my commute. I call her Train Bitch.

Oh you'd love my family of 6 country bumpkins trying to figure it all out on a once every ten years (and once too many at that!) trip to london ,trying to figure out how to work the ticket barriers and find the right platform.
Seriously haver serious admiration for people who live in London, I would be burned out within a month.

What is with the massive groups of foreign (usually German) schoolkids who congregate outside tube stations/on platforms at rush hour presumably on their way to some tourist site? I know it?s hard to wrangle 30 excited teenagers but I wish their teachers would remind them to stand out of people?s way.

As for people who sit in the outside seat on buses or trains ? fair enough if you are getting off soon but some people very obviously do it because they hope no one will sit by them (the ones who tut, have their bags on the window seat, make a big fuss about letting you sit down and don?t move over etc) ? those are the ones I will home in on like a mosquito with blood in its nostrils :o

on the other hand

i know people always complain about london commuters, but when visibly pg i have always been offered a seat, and likewise when carrying a toddler

i also always see people offering to help others with prams

london i loves you

any crappo commuting is the tourists i reckon

I sit on the outside seat. I will happily get up so you can sit down by the window. I will also help you with your enormous bag if you like, and have a friendly little chat about nothing in particular if you look like you'd enjoy a bit of human contact.

(I've thought of another one:

If you have an enormous bag, don't think that you can sit at a table seat and have it under the table on the floor in front of you. The person sitting opposite needs to put their legs there. No, they don't really want to squish their legs to one side, this will make their back hurt, and they are quite attached to their feet so would prefer to maintain the circulation in them by not having an enormous bag resting on them. If you have a problem with putting it on a luggage rack (too heavy?) there are spaces at the end of the train specially for it. If this is also a problem (is it full of jewels or something?) then why not get a seat close to these racks so you can keep an eye on it, instead of trying to take up two table seats actually three cos such people always seem to have an enormous coat that needs a seat as well?)

Silverten - please find my train and be on it every morning and night because people like you are few are far between!!!

silverton I was with you all the way up to conversation. Commuting requires respectful silence. It helps with the pretending that you aren't squashed nose to arm pit in a stuffy florescent lit carriage.

Oh I never press the conversational gambits. It is just to acknowledge the presence of another human being who is simply trying to get to work, rather than thinking I'm the only person in the world who matters and that everyone wants to hear about my fantastic holiday to Dubai noisy woman with the Radley bag we all wish you'd STFU about it now

Fair dos. I saw the most extraordinary response from an Angry City Man to a poor woman speaking to her recently widowed mother on the 'phone once on my journey home. Now, I'm no fan of mobile 'phones on my commute - something about only hearing one side of the conversation has a disproportionately irritating effect (perhaps its the frustration of my inner stick beak!), but I'm not sure that I'd have chosen to choose that particular moment to verbally abuse a single female passenger shifting my fattened city gent bulk to be even closer to her to make my point.

Being British we mostly sat in silence until one man (my commuting hero) came to her aid. She thanked him, finished on the phone to her Mum, and turned on the ranty gent with such a flow if invective it was a joy to behold (including the phrase 'Billy Big Balls')

Pan, you and I should have been brother and sister, we have the same sarcastic piss-taking tendency :)