To think there should be a 'Public Transport Proficiency Test'

[ChairOfTheBored]

I commute into London from a commuter belt 'burb, which means that twice a day I must inflict upon myself the joys of the tube and a crowded commuter train. I accept this isn't pleasant, but part of the price you pay for fields at the weekend.

But today was so much worse owing to the various sins of my fellow travelers, including (but by no means limited to):

Stopping in the middle of a busy mainline railway station's tube interchange to read a text message- not to one side you understand, but at the bottom of the flipping steps causing huge commuting pile up of bodies and brief cases;

using the only available handrail in a standing room only train carriage to lean your full body against, meaning no one else (chiefly me) can hold on to it to prevent ourselves skittering round the carriage as the train hits points without folding ourselves around you in a commuter display of body origami (I'm looking at you, lady in unattractively boxy jacket);

resting large and heavy suitcases on my feet (you again, jacket lady - in her defence, perhaps she was concerned for my safety, given I could anchor myself no other way); and

the usual ticket barrier kerfuffle where one doesn't bother to remove ticket from hefty bag until actually AT the barrier.

So, am I being unreasonable to think people should have to pass some form of test before being allowed to use public transport in peak times.

Or am I simply being a big old grump

I read that as "three legs very wide apart" . Now that probably would indicate a large cock...

MrsS - if you EVER contemplate saying that again to someone, you must give notice of it, and sell tickets.

Ask for a seat if pregnant - I do although sometimes can't get near seats on tube.

The only thing that puzzles me (being half term ) is why you would if you had a choice (am not talking if there is some reason for travelling like have dr appt etc) ever take small children or a pushchair on a rush hour train. It's not about inconvenience for commuters but it's pretty scary with crowds and crush for an adult let alone a child in that crush. If you can avoid it i would but most holidays is same, you see adults/kids astonished at conditions on peak time trains

Some people also need to go through a "Public Transport Hygiene Proficiency Test" aswell.

Please shower and wash your clothes before getting on the tube.

And brush your teeth mr bloom or use some mouth wash. I am not sure what you can do about stale alcohol odour (traditionally a Friday treat round here).

It's not just London transport.

If the public have to take a test for using buses/tubes etc, can we have a test for students using supermarkets as well? They just don't seem to grasp that blocking aisles while you chat and text is not on and also appear to have to shop in groups of 10

Curiously in the light of an earlier post, ScaredTEECat, you remind me of my first time on the New York subway, aged 37. Every seat taken and a few standing. Heavily pregnant women with a toddler gets on and I stand up, no virtue in it, just what my DM taught me.

"Well thank you, honey, you sure ain't no New Yorker, are you from out of town?"

"Yes, I am indeed".

"OK, you're from England where they still got some manners!"

God alone knows what she had been watching on the TV but I didn't disillusion her. I just enjoyed the embarrassment of the New Yorkers all round trying to pretend they had not noticed.

Please put your legs closer together. No-one has a cock that large.

Oh I am so stealing that, no place has greater need to hear it than the Milan underground.

My commute includes getting my bike on and off a train. Cyclists really don't enjoy disrupting other people. That is not our purpose. Can you please recognise we need a bit of space to move around in, esp. getting on and off. Thanks.

Frankly, Pan, unless you have one of those folding models, I'd ban you in the rush hour. You are a bloody menace to all around.

Well that's a shame Andrew. I'll remember to shove you out of the way and dirty your clothes as best as I can. Arsehole.

Andrew all bikes Except folding ones are banned on our line at peak times

Thank you, Pan, and I appreciate your kind words. You seem to see why bicycles and crowded trains don't mix but of course it would be inconvenient for you if they were banned and that would never do.

Eh? If a bike is a 'menace' you appear to be menaced v.easily. We disagree. Hey.

Having said all of that....it's really curious as to how some women commuters manage to apply a full set of make up whilst travelling on a commuter train. They get bashed about on points and the like, but their dexterity and judgement seems to win out. It's just exceptional how they manage eyeliner, lipstick and foundation with that degree of difficulty.

Now, now buys...less with the passive aggressiveness. This isn't the 08.06 from Guildford to Waterloo

Pan, I am a master at applying eyeliner on the tube/train...many years of practice

And why do people on a busy train feel that they are entitled to a seat for themselves and one for their bag [hangry]

I get fed up of having to ask whether they can move their stuff so that I can sit down when it is clear that the train is packed.

If I had my way I would go down the train with a ginormous wheelie bin removing all of the bags that are taking up seats. People would have to pay a huge amount of money to get their stuff back and that would learn them.

Vamp - it's soo admirable! And they chat with friends whilst doing it.

(it wasn't passive/aggressive. Just aggressive.)

Now, you see you find it admirable...many others find it contemptible that we should inflict it on them The argument usually goes along the lines of 'get up ten mins earlier and do it at home'.

Those extra 10 mins in bed are very much worth the looks of scorn for applying my face on the train

My hate is people eating nosily on trains. Especially apples, which makes me feel a little punchy, quite frankly.

Ive sneaked in to say I am guilty of the wrong side of the escalator thing. Im rarely in London being a provincial Scottish gal and I was down on my own for business earlier in the year. I have vertigo too and I hate long escalators, Id rather take stairs but this tube station didnt seem to have any so I managed to get on and just grabbed the handrail and held on for dear life. Some unpleasant man in a suit shouldered me out of the way while muttering, I nearly fell right down, I know I was in the wrong but I was so stressed about the escalator I hadnt realised, best of it was he still only made it onto the same tube as I did.

So, sorry for getting it wrong, but please remember some of us are out of towners and a bit out of our depth!

The OP is not self-important, the OP is accurately conveying the myriad tiny irritations that make daily commuting a serious threat to our psychological wellbeing.

I would also add:

• Don't sit on the outside seat then effing TUT when I ask to sit down
• Don't give your handbag its very own seat then effing TUT when I ask to sit down
• Don't TUT at me when our bodies are forced together in a crowded compartment; I"m not enjoying it any more than you

gigondas - stale morning coffee breath is also a killer!! Just keep your head down in the morning rush on the tube!!

Rhonda, he sounds like a prick tbh - sorry you had a bad experience. Most seasoned commuters might feel aggrieved but would never shoulder someone out of the way.

I always marvel at how bad a lot of people smell at 8am in the morning MrBlooms.

Surely they only brushed their teeth and showered an hour or so previously or not as the case maybe

Just remembered those who choose to partake in vigorous public displays of affection which in very packed situations. The kind that make me more of a participant than a by-stander

If I wanted a menage a tois I would at least exchange first names and pleasantries beforehand

People definitely need some sort of proficiency test with those bloody cases on wheels that are all the vogue these days.

Yes, I know they save your back, and mean that you've gone a hand free to text/slurp crap, overpriced latte, but my ankles have been reduced to shreds during a rush hour at Victoria. It's like having a pack of chiwawas under your feet.