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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to expect pil to contact me when they are caring for dd1

39 replies

PrincessScrumpy · 25/10/2011 11:56

This summer I had twins and my parents were a huge help when caring for dd1 (3) at the end of my pg and after twins were born and in SCBU etc. PIL were jealous that my parents had dd1 stay with them so much (probably about 4 or 5 occasions for 2 nights each time throughout the summer as I didn't have the energy to care for her). my parents live 1hour 30mins away so my mum made a real effort to come and help out in our house and take dd back to her house etc, but they have their own business so she needed to be at home and could care for dd while working. pil live 4 hours away but were making digs about dd staying with my parents a lot and seemed to feel left out. My parents offered pil didn't despite mil being on school hols in the summer - when I went into prem labour mum came to care for dd1 and dh called mil and asked for her to come up the next day as my mum was supposed to be seeing my grandmother in London who is 83 and needed mum to go with her to a solicitor. I didn't want mum to cancel (although I know she would have if I'd asked her to), mil made a big fuss about coming up as if it was a huge effort (she was on holiday from school at the time and gets free train travel so wouldn't have cost anything, and she would have been annoyed if we didn't ask her - can't win kind of situation).

Anyway, when pil came to meet twins I offered them the chance to have dd1 stay with them for a weekend at half term. This has developed into them taking her to a holiday camp for 5 days. It's a bit long for me but it gives me time to bond more with dtds etc and dd1 will love it.

pil picked dd up yesterday, stayed for an hour then headed on at 4.30pm. By 9pm I sent a text to check they'd arrived ok. mil replied that they had but I'm cross they didn't text me when they arrived (mil said they'd keep in touch all week). fil also implied they were doing me a favour - I feel I'm being kind letting them be alone with dd1 like mil wanted.

aibu? I probably am as pg hormones still raging!

OP posts:
worraliberty · 25/10/2011 12:00

Wow that took a while to get to the actual important part right at the end LOL Grin

Yes, they should have texted to say they'd arrived but hey they forgot. I'm sure after all the driving and the excitement it's easily done.

You managed to contact them easily so no harm done this time.

And yes, they are doing you a favour as well as enjoying their Grand child.

PrincessScrumpy · 25/10/2011 12:03

how are they doing me a favour? dd1 is a delight to look after and dtd are very chilled babies so I am happy caring for all 3?

Sorry I rambled

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aldiwhore · 25/10/2011 12:05

My folks only ever get in touch if there's something wrong.. that way I get a proper break (even though I don't always need or want one) and they get a long time not worrying whether they should phone because nothing's wrong at all.

For car journies though, I agree a quick text saying 'arrived safely' is helpful.

AFuckingKnackeredWoman · 25/10/2011 12:07

My pil only call in emergencies, even when they have then for the weekend. No new is good news and all that jazz

WinkyWinkola · 25/10/2011 12:07

I can see how you might be of the opinion they're not doing you a favour seeing as you didn't want her to take them and they were mad keen.

But why do you not want them to take her for a visit?

worraliberty · 25/10/2011 12:07

They're doing you a favour because life will be a little less strenuous for a few days without entertaining a 3yr old...no matter how much you enjoy it Smile

It's all about learning to appreciate really.

It's good for them, good for you and most importantly good for your DD to spend some time with her Grandparents.

toughdecisions · 25/10/2011 12:08

Why would they not have arrived OK? If something had happened I'm sure they would have contacted you straight away. We sometimes forget the older generation is not so fixated with immediate communications. Seems like you and PIL have different meanings to keep in touch. Why not clarify to them if you would like an update say daily?

whattodoo · 25/10/2011 12:19

You and your PIL seem to do most of your communication by methods other than actually talking!
You assume they/MIL was put out that she hadn't been asked to look after DD while you were pregnant. But you don't know that, as you haven't had a conversation about it.
You hoped for a phone call on arrival, but didn't let them know that's what you expected.

Surely all you have to do is talk? tell them you'd like to speak with DD every evening before dinner (for instance).
And, yes, I can understand that they think they are doing you a favour. Of course its nice for them to spend time with your DD. But from the fact that your DM took DD for a few breaks while you were pregnant, I can understand that they thought maybe you'd like them to take DD for a while to give you one less child to take care of.
Please be grateful that they are giving your DD a lovely experience, and are giving you a wonderful opportunity to focus on your DTs.

Kayano · 25/10/2011 12:21

So when your mum looks after dd1 that's fine because you don't have the energy, but when they look after dd1 they are hardly 'doing you a favour' ...?

worraliberty · 25/10/2011 12:26

Actually that's a very good point about the older generation is not so fixated with immediate communications.

My Dad has a mobile phone and hardly ever uses it. Not because he doesn't know how, but because he just doesn't feel the need to be constantly 'in when he's out' IYSWIM.

When my Mum and Dad used to take my DN to a holiday camp, the only way of communication would have been to use a public phone box to say they'd arrived.

So yes, I guess some people are just conditioned to not be in constant contact unless there's an actual problem.

tiredange · 25/10/2011 12:28

Not at all. They should be more thoughtful that you'd want to know your own kids are ok. Think you are being very brave letting them have dd1 for a whole week! Be prepared when she gets back the PIL will rave about what fun they had and dd1 will have been spoilt rotten.

My MIL (monster-in-laws) now have an 'arrangement' where they come every tues 10-4 as they obsessed about ds1 & ds2. When I ask what their plans are they change the subject and never answer. When they return I ask what they had for lunch and if ds2 had a nap and again they'll avoid answering. I've taken to asking ds1 when they've gone. Like you they think they are doing me the biggest favour taking the kids out but i'm doing it as they would just keep moaning about not seeing them. They literally can't go more than a week before they start getting withdrawal symptoms. They have even said the kids are wonder drugs for MIL's arthiritis.
Enjoy time with twins...if you can:)

Ormirian · 25/10/2011 12:33

There wasn't a problem so they didn't contact you. Not an issue really. Whether they are doing you a favour or vice versa is irrelevant - you agreed between you that they were taking her away for a period of time. They shouldn't need to be in constant contact.

She will have a great time, they will have a great time, you will have a slightly easier time without her. Win win. Try to chill out a bit Smile

WTFlike · 25/10/2011 12:42

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herbietea · 25/10/2011 12:42

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PrincessScrumpy · 25/10/2011 12:46

mum cared for dd while I was 7 months pg with twins, had spd, was falling asleep on the sofa so didn't feel dd was safe when I was that exhausted. I also had a hospital stay due to complications then once dtds were born we had 8 days in scbu - so yes, my mum was helping out with childcare.

now, dtds are 8weeks and I feel great. Being prem, they sleep fairly well and dd1 loves helping with them. dd1 has only ever been away for 2 nights so a week is a long time for me - probably over protective but she's only 3.

My mum always calls her mum to let her know she's home safe after a visit - has done since I can remember but I guess every family is different so maybe I should have been clearer. At mum's, dd call before bed to say goodnight - I can't call her as she refuses to come to the phone - has to be on her terms Grin

OP posts:
worraliberty · 25/10/2011 12:46

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tryingtoleave · 25/10/2011 12:56

Gosh - I often like worra's advice.

worraliberty · 25/10/2011 12:59

Fairly new account trying probably upset her under another nickname...oh well Grin

PrincessScrumpy · 25/10/2011 13:00

dd will have a fab time so I'll just keep reminding myself that - I'm just a worrier and control freak. I just miss her.

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Maryz · 25/10/2011 13:02

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worraliberty · 25/10/2011 13:03

It's understandable you miss her but with a bit of jiggery pokery you could turn those 5 days into 3.

Just think 'I saw her on the day she went and I'll see her on the day she gets back'....that means 3 days without seeing her.

I know it's all crap but it works for me Grin

worraliberty · 25/10/2011 13:04

I think I'm positively shitting glitter on this one Maryz but perhaps I forgot the Thanks Grin

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 25/10/2011 13:07

I too like Worra's advice, always down to earth and humerous... and she never does this :) stupid face whilst contributing pointless platitudes that nobody bothers to read....

Go Worra!!!

Maryz · 25/10/2011 13:08

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worraliberty · 25/10/2011 13:09

Oh no I save the Smile face for when I'm being patronising Lying Grin