to expect pil to contact me when they are caring for dd1

[PrincessScrumpy]

This summer I had twins and my parents were a huge help when caring for dd1 (3) at the end of my pg and after twins were born and in SCBU etc. PIL were jealous that my parents had dd1 stay with them so much (probably about 4 or 5 occasions for 2 nights each time throughout the summer as I didn't have the energy to care for her). my parents live 1hour 30mins away so my mum made a real effort to come and help out in our house and take dd back to her house etc, but they have their own business so she needed to be at home and could care for dd while working. pil live 4 hours away but were making digs about dd staying with my parents a lot and seemed to feel left out. My parents offered pil didn't despite mil being on school hols in the summer - when I went into prem labour mum came to care for dd1 and dh called mil and asked for her to come up the next day as my mum was supposed to be seeing my grandmother in London who is 83 and needed mum to go with her to a solicitor. I didn't want mum to cancel (although I know she would have if I'd asked her to), mil made a big fuss about coming up as if it was a huge effort (she was on holiday from school at the time and gets free train travel so wouldn't have cost anything, and she would have been annoyed if we didn't ask her - can't win kind of situation).

Anyway, when pil came to meet twins I offered them the chance to have dd1 stay with them for a weekend at half term. This has developed into them taking her to a holiday camp for 5 days. It's a bit long for me but it gives me time to bond more with dtds etc and dd1 will love it.

pil picked dd up yesterday, stayed for an hour then headed on at 4.30pm. By 9pm I sent a text to check they'd arrived ok. mil replied that they had but I'm cross they didn't text me when they arrived (mil said they'd keep in touch all week). fil also implied they were doing me a favour - I feel I'm being kind letting them be alone with dd1 like mil wanted.

aibu? I probably am as pg hormones still raging!

I thought worra's comment was perfectly reasonable, tbh.

But so far as the OP is concerned, I wouldn't start over-thinking all this. Families are different - mine tend to the view that "no news is good news" but my former ILs couldn't handle this laid back approach. So when we got back from a visit we'd always give them a quick ring to say we'd arrived safely. It didn't cause me any grief to put their mind at rest.

I think assumptions are a very dangerous kettle of fish though. Always best to say, upfront "Can you phone/text to let me know you have arrived safely?" than it is to assume someone else will do what you would.

Also, I do rather feel for your ILs. Clearly they can do little right and this attitude will affect your dd's relationship with them.

... the smileys here are all WRONG. This is my translation:

:) = foolish individual
;) = you're out-smugged this time
= shock, but looks so obscene I don't use it.

I don't like any of those...

= what a thing to say? You're an imbecile/liar/thickwit - take your pick
= crikey, not confused at all, that's disgusting (or somesuch)

Don't use the others much but I would dearly love a [vomit] smiley... I don't think MN will play ball though, it would be overused.

YABU

Either you trust them to look after her or you don't. If you do, let them get on with it, if you don't - you shouldn't have let her go. Fair enough if you miss DD and want to talk to her from time to time, but expecting a text to say is controlling and unnecessary - they are adults and shouldn't need to check in like teenagers.

I think families vary alot in the phone calls to say you have arrived thing. My husband and I do alot of car journeys so don't tend to phone to say we have got somewhere. We phone if there is a problem. My dad or inlaws rarely text about anything. My mum when alive would phone to say she had arrived. I do see that sort of call as a throwback to the days when long car journeys were unusual and considered hazardous.
Relatives visiting us rarely phone to say they have got home. They generally phone to chat and thank us a few days later.
I think if you wanted a call to say they had arrived you should have told them.
It's early to complain they aren't keeping in touch.

I don't mind the straining for a shit smiley Lying

But yes, we definitely need a 'vomit' a proper 'laugh' and a 'wanker' smiley

Sorry OP...I'll bugger off now I promise! [hblush]

Yabu this is a stealth boast about having two babies who sleep and is totally aimed me cause my one baby doesn't [grr]

Isn´t it only a favour if OP wants/needs it?

If she would be quite happy to still have her daughter with her, then I don´t see it as a favour to her tbh.

OP-did you specifically ask them to contact you as soon as they arrived?

Some people just don´t think of it.

Did your parents always phone when they got back to theirs with your daughter?

Lol

Can i stealthly add my twin DS slept through from 6 weeks ;) although my DD didnt untill she was 2... why we had another 'one' was beyond me :)

How i wish somone would have taken my DD... My mum will always call when they arrive/leave somwhere, MIL wont bother although there is 25yr age gap between them maybee its a generational thing.

Just wanted to give you my perspective on the 'doing you a favour' thing.

My parents adore their DGC, miss them when they haven't seen them for a while, are slightly jealous of ILs seeing them etc etc. However, they do find it v tiring looking after them. I am sure your DD is a joy, but in some ways it is harder for grandparents, who aren't used to accommodating a child in their lives and don't have the energy they once did. And yes, my parents do want a pat on the back afterwards and to be told how grateful I am to be given a break (even though, like you, I don't always feel I need one - apologies to those of you who would kill for this kind of childcare!). It makes them happy to feel appreciated so why not indulge them on this?

dd1 didn't sleep at all if that's any consolation. Took us 3 years to try for another baby. Just because dtds sleep now, they'll probably be a nightmare at toddler stage - that's what I used to say about people who had sleepy babies when dd1 was younger!

there is a bit of history which may be why I sound like they can do no right, but I want dd to have a good relationship and would never speak about them in front of her.

mil called last night while I was at the supermarket. dh answered. I have no doubt dd is loving it.