AIBU regarding Ex and contact

[giantpurplepeopleeater]

OK..... was going to put this in lone parents but there is not much traffic and I really need some honest opinion about whether I am BU or not.

Ex and I splt nearly 3 months ago. Since then I have been trying to talk to him about setting up a proper and regular access pattern for DS, who is only 10 months old. He has literally ignored all my requests. I even resorted to writing to him to try and make my point.

The reason he is so reluctant is he works shifts. These can change around a lot, and he works every other weekend. However, he does work for a public sector organisation that does family friendly shifts, and previously he has worked set shifts where he was in the same every week. However, he doesn't seem to want to ask this time round.

So far I have been trying to juggle everything so that he can see DS when he has time off work, but he won't commit to anything - not even having DS for some time every other weekend. The days of the week change every week, so do the times. Sometimes he doesn't confirm anything till just a few hours in advance.

I am back at work now and finding this totally unworkable. Between my work arrangements and childcare for DS I can't seem to juggle it all for changing contact patterns every week.

So I asked Ex to speak about it again and he refused. So I spoke to the Childrens Legal Centre, and they said that I would be within my rights to set out a pattern of when Ex can see DS, and its up to him whether to make arrangements so he can do this. Again he refused to talk to me.

So I have set out 2 afternoons in the week and every other weekend (sat morning till Sunday afternoon) where Ex can have DS. And told him it is up to him if he wants to take DS then. WIth my work these really are the only times I can be flexible on.

He says I am stopping him from seeing DS. So am I? AM i really being unreasonable? Or should I be juggling things every week so that it fits in with Ex's plans?

YY thebananawitchproject. ballstoit IS NOT responsible for her ex's lack of responsibility OR his inability to put his child first. While she may think she is protecting her dc from the emotional effects of having a crap parent - she isn't because SHE CAN'T. One day, no matter HOW much ballstoit bends over backwards to try to prevent it, her dc will realise just what a useless twit they have for a father, and those emotions will STILL be there.

It is your EX's decision, and your ex's responsibility to communicate in a grown-up manner when it comes to access with your dc. ALL you can be there to do is mop up the tears when he is a cock. He'll still be a cock if you try to cover it up - but your child will think you CONDONE the way he has treated them because you never stood up against it. Instead you 'facilitated' his NRP behaving like a toddler...

Then maybe your ex wasn't trying to control you by preventing you from having ANY life, you and your ex have worked together in a grown-up way. It's not possible to do that if the other party isn't interested in what is best for the child, only in what is best for themselves, or even how they can stop their ex-partner from getting any enjoyment out of life.

Yes, your partners ex is contact blocking. IMO your partner should be awarded residency and the mother should become the NRP. She is also subjecting your DSD to a very unhealthy dose of Parental Alienation Syndrome. While I may moan on MN about the things my exes have done to me - I would NEVER mention it in front of our dc. And I would never expect them to have to choose between us.

Hence expecting access to be set. I DO work it around people as much as possible - but with two ex-partners trying to see three dc - and one of them refusing set access - I'd NEVER get to do anything with all my dc if I didn't set access. Right now, Ex-P comes to my house after work on a Tuesday to see DS2 & DS3, Then DS1 goes overnight to Ex-H's on a Wednesday, then Ex-P comes to my house after work on a Thursday after work to see DS2 & DS3. Every other weekend, DS1 goes to Ex-H's on Friday after school and is there until Monday morning. DS2 goes to Ex-P's on the Saturday morning, and comes back on the Sunday night. Complicated enough yet?

THIS I can cope with - I still get Monday with all 4 dc every week, and I get Friday through to Monday every other week. THOSE are the only days I make plans for - yet Ex-P wants me to drop anything when he has a day off - even if it is on one of MY weekend days or my FEW days that I am able to plan things with all 4 dc, with maybe 48 hrs notice. So sometimes (not all the time) I say no. So what. They see LOADS of him, and I even let my abusive ex-p into my home twice a week every week for 4 hours a time (so 8 hours a week, in my home) so that he can build a relationship with 9mo DS3. Am I the one in the wrong? For wanting 5 days a flipping fortnight that I can plan to do things? That's LESS than 50% of the time - I'm not unreasonable, just want to be able to plan things on those ten days a month that I don't have some sort of contact going on. TEN DAYS A MONTH and I'M the unreasonable one for wanting to refuse to drop those days for an abusive Ex? Don't think so!

Hunty and Banana I DONT see that it is my fault that the DC's Dad chose not to see them for 3 months. I DID and still DO see it as my responsibility as a parent to do my best to ensure the emotional wellbeing of my children. Which evidence suggests is to have a relationship with their father, no matter how shit he is. So, I have and will continue to be as flexible as possible in making contact arrangements with my ex.

My DC are not aware that their Dad pisses me around with arranging contact, they believe we make arrangements which vary depending on what each of us are doing from week to week. I have adult friends and family members (and mumsnet ) as an outlet for my frustrations with my ex as I don't feel it is appropriate for my children, aged 6 and under, to be used as this outlet.

I am lucky enough to have a dad, brothers and a brother in law who are also role models for my children. While I am aware that at some point they will find out that their Dad is not the best father in the world, I believe that they will still benefit from the time they spend with him...when he is with them, he is a good. He plays with them, talks to them and is very affectionate. He is piss poorly organised and poor at adult realtionships, but that doesn't mean he is a completely poor role model. They are aware that they are not the most important thing in his life, but they are also aware that he loves and cares about them.

Hunty you are projecting your own problems with your ex's, and your childhood experiences, on to me and my DC. I can sympathise that your situation is difficult, and clearly you choose to deal with it in the best way you can. In the same way I'll choose to deal with mine in a way that suits me. And hopefully both of us can offer suggestions to the op, based on our own opinions, which she can choose to accept or ignore. But I won't engage with your aggressive accusations, based on a snapshot on an internet forum, any further.