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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be cross DS was allowed near a child with chickenpox?

74 replies

SuiGeneris · 22/10/2011 07:16

Earlier this week our nanny let DS go on a pre-arranged playdate even though the other kid had spots which his nanny thought might be chickenpox. DS is under 2 and am pregnant. Nanny knew all of the above but was not sure what chickenpox was (not a native speaker). She texted me (knowing I was at a work event where I'd have my mobile off) and when there was no answer she just went ahead.
Now we are worried about DS, may have to cancel an overseas trip for an important family birthday and have had to cancel 3 out of 4 planned social engagements as the other parties were not immune. AIBU?

OP posts:

ZombiePlan · 22/10/2011 12:17

Agree with Diddl. V worrying that she was obviously concerned enough to try to contact you, yet when she coudn't speak to you she decided that it ok to carry on with the playdate. So, despite not being sure what CP actually was, and knowing that you were shortly to go on holiday (it's not clear whether she yet knows that you're pregnant) she considered it acceptable for her to expose your child - and all for the sake of a sodding playdate! So she thought it was ok to run an unknown risk for a very small benefit. That is phenomenally bad judgment and tbh in your shoes I would reconsider whether I wanted to continue using her as a nanny. You need to have confidence in your nanny's judgment - do you feel you still have this?

MeMySonAndI · 22/10/2011 12:25

I would be bloody livid if my son was exposed to CP when I have an overseas holiday planned in the near future... simple, I might need to rebook the flights if he is infectious at the time of traveling (and most airlines wouldn't let you in even if all the spots have crusted over)

I think your nanny should have decided not to go when she couldn't find you to check if it was ok. However, I think that it is very unreasonable of you not to be contactable even if you have an important event.

WilsonFrickett · 22/10/2011 12:26

Zombie that's a bit harsh as clearly the OP wasn't making herself available to answer the Nanny's questions.

OP I think a little bit of training is in order for the nanny - is she a trained Nanny btw, because if so I'm very surprised she didn't know what CP is.

Have you had CP yourself OP?

backwardpossom · 22/10/2011 12:30

I agree with Diddl, too, and think some of the responses the OP has had have been unnecessary.

ZombiePlan · 22/10/2011 12:42

That's precisely my problem with it, Wilson - the nanny was in a position where she had to rely on her own judgment and IMO she made the wrong call. My view is that nannies should err on the side of caution, rather than thinking "Oh, I'll go ahead, it'll be alright, not really sure what chicken pox is but whatever". I would not be comfortable with someone with this kind of gung-ho approach to matters looking after my kids.

I have a massive issue with the fact that everyone is jumping on the mother for being uncontactable. OP said the nanny had contact details for the dad and all 4 grandparents. Yet the nanny didn't bother to try to call them. From a feminist perspective I'm appalled that everyone is slating the mother for not being available 24-7. We will never get anywhere if people don't get out of the mindset that the mother is the only person responsible for dealing with "kid's stuff".

oneofthosedays · 22/10/2011 12:59

Can I just correct the pp who said hand, foot and mouth is not dangerous in pregnancy. I was speaking to a midwife friend the other day about this and if the mother hasn't had it before it has been known to cause intra-uterine death (IUD).

I personally didn't have a problem with the kids being exposed to cp, but then they both had fairly mild doses of it and I do understand that complications can arise (as they can in pretty much any illness). I don't, however think it is something to get overly worked up about - maybe your focus should be on finding a nanny who has some basic knowledge about childhood illnesses, does she even know any basic paediatric first aid?!!

diddl · 22/10/2011 14:08

Let´s hope the nanny doesn´t get CP!

HeidiKat · 22/10/2011 14:19

I didn't know that, I was going by what I had been told by a friend who is pregnant and recently has had HFAM from her DD was told, i.e. not to worry about it. The NHS website says that "the risk of complications are very low."

LoveBeingAWitch · 22/10/2011 15:13

I thought it much longer than 2 days before the spots came out.

Original poster

SuiGeneris · 22/10/2011 15:26

ZombiePlan and diddl: exactly: you've explained the issue perfectly. It is the "I do not know what this thing is, other than it is infectious and the other nanny is concerned enough to try and call my employer herself, but rather than go out of my comfort zone and speak to the child's father (whom I see every day) or the grandparents, who are doctors and speak my language, I'll just ignore it and go ahead."

By the way: both DH and I have had chickenpox, so not an issue, but the nanny does not know that (and yes, she does know I'm pregnant).

To those who say to get a grip and not cancel engagements: it is our friends who have not had CP who, having been apprised of the circumstances, decided to cancel. So far, 2 out of 4 adults and 2 out of 2 children have not had it and would rather avoid the risk of contagion. We do not blame them for making that choice, but we would not have had to cancel all had a second phone call been made.

And finally: yes, the nanny does know about childhood diseases, she is a part-qualified nurse. She just did not understand the English lay term "chickenpox". She knows the medical name of varicella.

But the lack of judgment issue remains...

OP posts:

CustardCake · 22/10/2011 15:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jux · 22/10/2011 15:51

When I was a kid it was normal to invite all the kids round when yours contracted chicken pox. It is much better to have it young and then you're immune for the rest of your life. I don't know where your nanny is from, but there are still many countries where it is completely normal to do this. Get the lot over and done with as early as poss.

Agree though, that the pg dilemma makes it less simple. OTOH, you were unobtainable. Did she have any other number she could call when you were out of bounds?

WilsonFrickett · 22/10/2011 15:53

If she's a part-qualified nurse then she should have been aware of the risks to you OP, and so I withdraw my previous post. CP does have serious risk factors in pg...

Original poster

SuiGeneris · 22/10/2011 15:58

Jux: yes, she has contact details for DH and all four grandparents and knew I'd be unreachable (speaking at a symposium, cannot really take telephone calls).

OP posts:

welliesandpyjamas · 23/10/2011 08:54

So, to conclude, the nanny needs a bollocking a serious talk about your expectations. Glad we got there in the end. It's true what they say, Opening Posts do need an excess of detail

lisad123 · 23/10/2011 10:47

there is never a good time to get CP, and he wont be able to pass it on yet, IF he will get it. DD2 was exposed twice before she caught it on 3rd time.

YABU, its hardly the plauge!

MrsHeffley · 23/10/2011 11:23

Yes CP is dangerous but very few women will have not had it or have low immunity(which you will have been told about after bloods like I was).Your responsibility to tell her if this is the case.

Going by the op all pg teachers,nurses,doctors etc would need to live in isolation when pg but they don't.

Even though I have low immunity all 3 of my dc had it at once,I nursed them through it(in my bed at one point)and still didn't get it.In all my years teaching experience I never caught it.

Also I got told CP is only dangerous at the very beginning and end of pg.

CustardCake · 23/10/2011 11:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CustardCake · 23/10/2011 11:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lotkinsgonecurly · 23/10/2011 11:46

Its happened can you not move on. Next time encourage your nanny to use another contact person? My kids regularly had contact with chicken pox and it took a good few times for them to contract it. ( None of the meetings were planned people came out with the spots a few days later).

Calm down.

lisad123 · 23/10/2011 11:46

its very low risk to pregnant woman unless they havent had it previously. Yes the nanny shouldnt have taken him round without checking with OP first or a family memember.
OP doesnt even know if the child will get it! she might cancel plans for the next few weeks and find he doesnt develop it at all.

ragged · 23/10/2011 11:54

How qualified is your nanny? I'm getting impression she hasn't worked long in the UK, anyway. Also, only on MN do I ever read that CPox is highly dangerous. Everybody irl seems to shrug it off...
yanbu to feel upset because it's ruined your plans, but yabu overall because it's just one of those things that happens when you have kids, just wait until the little dears start bringing home sick bugs and you'll find out disasterous that is for your own health & social life, too.

It's not long ago cp was thought to a mild illness; When I had CPox in 1993, I was told explicitly by British nurses to go out & give it to everybody, they said don't avoid anybody at all except maybe the elderly; much better that everybody got it over with sooner rather than later. Who knows what advice is given out in your nanny's home country?

MrsHeffley · 23/10/2011 12:14

Custard you don't have to live in virtual isolation.I was one of those teachers.I got signed off when I requested it(it was never suggested I turn into a hermit and stop teaching as soon as I got the result) after an outbreak at school but my GP and subsequent consultant said you would actually need to be in close range for 15 mins min breathing in the germs at the optimum time.

I was under the understanding that it was most contagious pre spots so many women who don't know they are pg or have low immunity will be in contact with it unwittingly and it's still very rare. Also the amount of lack of immunity varies,you get a figure.Mine wasn't too bad just over the threshold(I presume because I had CP badly as a child which would be the maj of women)hence my never catching it even though frequently in high risk situations.

needanewname · 23/10/2011 12:32

Ragged - just because it hasn't killed anyone you know in real life or caused the death of an unborn baby doesn't mean it doesn;t happen.

As I said before DD2 absolutely fine, DD1 not so good. No she didn't die but it came on so strongly and quickly that she we had to take her to the hospital where she was treated as a priority, I don;t fully recall what happened, but I spoke to DH about this last night and he said it was awful and they gave her everything they could.

I too thought this was just a normal part of CP, she just had it worse than everyone else, until I heard (not on MN) that you can die from CP, it isn't necessarily a harmless disease, yes it is for most people but I think that people should be more aware of the dangers.

And in this case its not just about general social life its affecting, its a trip overseas that has been booked and paid for and would probably cost a fortune to change. Now you could say that her DS could catch CP from a random stranger tomorrow and you;d be right, however why increase the risk if you don't need to.

And to everyone saying about how the advise used to be have CP parties, advise used to be that you could beat your child/wife with a stick as long as its no thicker than your finger - an exagerated comparrison I know but advise changes. My mum was advised to carry on smoking when she had me, andthat a glass a guiness a day was good for her, don;t think I've seent that advise recently.

OP, it has happended, I think you're right to be annoyed and I think you need to sit down with your nanny and explain why you're not happy with what she did and in future she should err on the side of caution. Hopefully your DS has not caught it this time.

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