Miffed that dp is out having fun and im awake waiting for him to come home

[Sungasong]

Im a new mum. Dc is 2 months old.
The past two months have been tough as dp could or would not really help out because of his work( on weekends he was doing work related things at home).
Fair enough, he has to do what he needs to do, but he hardly spends quality time with dc- he just sits her in her rocker if she is a bit grizzly and prefers the laptop to playing or figuring out what makes dc happy. I do all the housework and meals, so that he can spend more time with dc and feels relaxed when he comes home.
Tonight he is out in town, eating at a nice restaurant, drinking, and clubbing at fancy london clubs-- which he has never done with me in the three years of our being here in london. He is with a male and female friend ( one he used to fancy a lot). Maybe the hormones are making me feel jealous and paranoid, but aibu to feel annoyed that he gets to have a good time? Ive not had a night off since the birth.
Oh, And ive had my cry and rant at him previously for feeling unsupported by him, which did me good for a couple of hours.
Sorry, rant over now.
Thanks in advance for your thoughts

Two things jump out at me from your post, (and I'm in no way flaming or criticising you) but firstly, you have to be careful you don't try to control the relationship your DP has with your DC.

It might not be what you think it should be, ie you don't believe he's spending what you would define as quality time with her, but quality time can be just being together.

I haven't bonded any less with DD2 because I go on MN or watch the telly, and I would be pretty hurt if DH said I wasn't doing what he thought I should be with her (I'd tell him to mind his own tbh).

And secondly (and again, I want to repeat I'm not having a go ) two months without a night off when you have a small baby, isn't that bad.

Although I'm guessing you're saying you haven't had a night off in a comparison with your DH, if he can, then why can't you?

I would say to ditch the crying and ranting, and sit him down with a straight face and tell him how boxed in you feel.

That way he can't just brush off how you feel (whether you're being unreasonable or not is irrelevant really, you feel like this, full stop) as just 'hormones'.

He needs to listen.

I have a 6 week old and dp is out tonight having fun but the difference is, I have had some time (not a whole night) off as dp will stay up with dd so I can sleep.

If your dp is not helping but has time to have fun then I'm not surprised you are upset, I would be too.

Dp was like this for the first week or two but I had a word and let him know how I feel. What did your dp say when you had a rant before?

YANBU.
I'm assuming this is your first baby? Men can go into denial about the realities of life with children when they have their first. My DP wanted to believe life hadn't changed and he was still the same person who could go clubbing, see his friends whenever etc. It didn't take him long to realise that although of course the odd night out was fine, life was totally different now and so was he! Probably no consolation right now, but he was a lot better when number two came along.
Can you express a bottle and leave your DP with the baby for an afternoon? Give him a chance to be alone with the baby and really get to know her, IYSWIM! Also important for you to have some alone time, and for him to see what booklet hard work it is!

YANBU.
I'm assuming this is your first baby? Men can go into denial about the realities of life with children when they have their first. My DP wanted to believe life hadn't changed and he was still the same person who could go clubbing, see his friends whenever etc. It didn't take him long to realise that although of course the odd night out was fine, life was totally different now and so was he! Probably no consolation right now, but he was a lot better when number two came along.
Can you express a bottle and leave your DP with the baby for an afternoon? Give him a chance to be alone with the baby and really get to know her, IYSWIM! Also important for you to have some alone time, and for him to see what booklet hard work it is!

Whoops... Over posted

MrsR - after I let him know how I felt, he apologised and said he would make more of an effort. That was more than a week ago and I honestly don't know if it has made any difference. He is more talk than action.

Agent Zigzag - I agree with you to some extent. I am a little bit of a control freak so when I see him interacting with DC differently to how I think he should, I do get annoyed. I need to let go a bit more, but really, don't you think downloading applications or upgrading a system is a little bit less important that spending what little time you have with your new baby who has a few minutes left until bed time? The other week I asked for him to take care of her for just half an hour so I could get some shut eye, and when I woke up I found him on the laptop again, and DC in the rocking crib with a dummy in her mouth [hhmm] we do use them, but never in the day at home.

Ams25 - you are right. I will express some this morning and have an afternoon off. I really don't think he understands that life is different with a baby and how much effort goes into caring for a baby. I am not asking for a wild night out - that's just not my thing- but only some me time, and also for him to really get to bond with her, as he is already missing out on so many new forming characteristics due to his job (he travels a lot for work).

Perhaps I just accept the way he is, and hope he interracts more as DC gets older. Maybe the baby stage is boring for him? [hsad]

I think your last point is very valid OP - some men simply struggle with 'interacting' with a small toots who doesn't really say or do anything very much. Things often improve once said toots is mobile/communicating.

He needs to be left alone with dc more. When he comes home just head out to a cafe or a friends house or shopping and leave him to it. He needs to know what its like to be alone with a baby

Oh, and read wifework and stop doing all the housework/cooking. You have a ft job too.

Sung, your DP sounds a lot like mine was when we first had DS(2.5yo). He would spent his time at home on the laptop or XBox and would go out every week, not coming home until around 3am after promising to be back about 12. He rarely went out before we had DS so I was paranoid worried that he'd changed his mind and didn't want to be with us.
I was a complete hormonal wreck (you sound far more composed than I was) and would sob when he was out because I thought he didn't love me anymore! I would rant and cry to him about it and he'd say the right things but nothing would change.

He has completely changed now though (it didn't take the whole 2.5years! ) and is a fantastic parent to DS and I have no concerns about how he'll be with DC2 (due in January).

It was definitely a bit of what AMS described. DP was petrified, everything was different, he now had so many responsibilities and none of his friends had children yet. He went into complete denial and couldn't face the reality of how much his life had changed.

He's really come into his own as a dad and I love watching him and DS together There was a lot needed from me also, to not critique his methods and to let them get on with it. I think a major catalyst to the change was when DP started taking DS swimming every weekend, they had quality time to get to know each other without me fussing over them

It really annoys me when I read messages on here from women excusing men's bad behaviour. Why should men be absolved from properly parenting their child because they find babies boring or find it hard to adjust? Women don't have that option, it's a case of "Baby's here, life must change", so why should men be allowed to just do what the heck they like under the guise of "Awwww bless them, they're men, they find it hard to interact with babies" or whatever?

OP, I would demand that things change. If they don't I would not be prepared to stay in a relationship with someone who buggered off out constantly, leaving me to look after his child. I cannot believe he's happy to just sit there whilst you do all the housework. He sounds a lazy arse of a man, although typical of many men, satisfying his own needs (going on the computer), whilst sticking his child in her bouncy chair hoping that YOU will come along and sort her if she cries, so as not to interfere with his precious time.

Give him a much needed boot up the arse!

So you're advising the OP demands her DP bonds with their baby as she thinks he should Swanky?

And if she doesn't get her own way she should chuck him out on the parenting scrapheap?

A bit harsh for just using a dummy and being on the computer while the baby is present!

I don't understand how anyone could find newborn babies 'boring' because my heart just melts at the sight of two sets of little toes but you can't expect everyone else to feel exactly the same.

Maybe he just needs to find his way in his relationship with his DC, maybe women are more plugged in to their babies having carried them around for so long, who knows?

But I can't imagine pressurising him will make him feel differently (although he should be getting stuck in with the housework and stop being such a student about it).

AgentZigZag, the point I am making is that women don't have a choice over whether to look after their babies or not, whether to bond with them or not (or at least pretend they've bonded with them) or whether to interact with them or not. We have babies and get on with it. I'm sure if a woman posted on here that when she is looking after her baby single-handedly she sits on the computer all day and leaves the baby sitting in her bouncy chair she would be given a hard time. Society has given men the option of picking and choosing the parts of parenting they don't want to do, hence the quite frankly cop-out excuses of "finding newborns daunting" or "preferring babies when they are mobile". Mums do not have that choice.

And whilst I agree that you can't expect everyone to feel the same about their baby, the OP's partner is clearly shirking his responsibilities, both to her and their baby. Surely if he is an adult with a sense of responsibility he should be actively taking part in parenting/running the home regardless of whether he feels bonded with his child yet or not? But instead he is off gallavanting doing what he wants, when he wants.

So yes, if my husband was going out all the time, leaving me to care for a newborn baby single handedly, do all the housework and then was a total lazy toe-rag when he was home, I would indeed tell him to pack his stuff and go home to his mummy, which is inevitably where he has got his sense of entitlement from.

Stop looking after him - take care of the baby, do what housework you need to keep you and her comfortable, and let him fend for himself - so no laundry, no cooking for him, no ironing. I'd be furious in your shoes. (For what it's worth, neither DH nor I got an evening out until DS was considerably older than 2 months, but that was OK because we were in it together: I was breastfeeding, so DH picked up most of the housework and cooking while I was chained to the sofa.)

But I do agree with those who say you need to let him find his own way with the baby: if he doesn't do things in the same way you do, that's fine provided she's safe. I didn't have the foggiest what to do with DS, apart from feeding him and changing him, until he started smiling and making noises and responding to me.

I totally agree with everything you're saying Swanky, but I see it as a bit detached from the reality of having a baby (that's not saying you're detached from reality ).

In an ideal world everyone would know what to do with their baby, but it doesn't come easily to some, women as well as men.

I'm not sure a woman posting that she was sat on the computer all day (not that the OPs DP is leaving the baby all day) would get a hard time, I would hope most posters would try to find out the cause of why she was doing it.

Why shouldn't the OP try to be understanding with her DP? I just can't see how getting angry at him will be productive in helping him find how he's going interact with their baby.

If you do work at home, once you have a child, it's really important to put a schedule in place so that there are limits to those hours, and there are some times on the weekend where no work is done. Otherwise work creeps into everything and you'll fight a lot. (I say this as someone who works at home.)

I would ask him to figure out how many hours he needs to work on the weekends and set in place what times he will do the work. The rest of time is non-work -- either family time, or me-time for him (and especially, cleaning time for him too! I would not be surprised if he works at home on the weekends to get out of cleaning.)

Some people are bored with babies, but if he spends more time with her on her own, he will find his own ways to connect.

Oh I totally agree AgentZigZag, that not everyone knows what to do with a new baby. Myself included with my first. But generally us women muddle through don't we? It's the fact that the man has the choice of opting out of baby related chores or interaction if they feel like it, but the woman doesn't. I do disagree that a woman posting similar about herself wouldn't get a hard time on here, I think she definitely would.

If a midwife doing a visit to a family with a newborn saw that the mother was just sat on the computer or was out doing what she pleased, wasn't interacting with her baby and the mother said that she found babies boring and didn't like picking up the baby because she was scared as it was so little so wouldn't be doing bathtimes or playing with the baby until it was much older, then it would ring alarm bells with the midwife and no doubt the mum would be watched like a hawk by the midwives and health visitors. If she did a postnatal visit and the dad did and said the things I've said about, the midwife wouldn't bat an eyelid.

It's the double standards created in a supposedly equal society that anger me. I do totally agree though that the OP should be understanding to her partner, but equally he should give her some understanding about how hard things are for her and should pull his weight.

I have only had 5 nights out on my own in ten years (ds was born then). My husband is in the Army though, and they are inconsiderate enough to send him away all the time!

It is really hard at first and a lot of adjusting for all of you. Its getting the balance which is key. I agree with the others, there should not be excuses for men. My husband is a brilliant dad but it took time. He wanted to carry on as normal and for me to be left holding the baby. Sounds like you need time out as a couple and as a family. Let him have time with your baby - start with him taking the baby out for a walk and build up from there. Men can always fine time for boys toys lol! Slowly make changes and stand your ground a bit. Good luck.

OP, I meant to say too that it might be a good idea to plan a night off/out for yourself, even if it's just a trip to the cinema on your own or with a friend, or popping round a friend's house for an hour or two. Start expecting him to do his share rather than waiting for him to let you go out. He will have no choice but to get on with things if you're not there to do them

I do think if he has time to go out, then he should be supporting you and helping out. Maybe if you're breastfeeding or don't feel ready to leave the baby yet, then a night out is off the cards for now, but make sure he knows you intend to have one at some point down the line! And as others have said, he can always help by looking after the baby while you sleep.

As for him being on the computer rather than interacting directly with the baby, I think this is fine, as long as the baby is happy and has all her needs met. For example it would not be okay if she had a dirty nappy and he was happily ignoring it, playing a game or something. I don't think babies need that much interaction at this stage - the only reason we tend to do so much with the first is that we don't have any other children to attend to. However, it would be nice if he did some other things with her, like bathing her (A great one is if he gets in the bath with her - the skin to skin is excellent and babies seem to like it more. DS used to scream if bathed alone!) or carrying her in a sling or something. Or you could do things as a family - going swimming, to the park/beach (perhaps better for a sunnier day!) taking her around the shops, stopping for a coffee, visiting friends/family etc.

I think you need to discuss the dummy thing and decide between you when it will be used and he needs to stick to that, unless he has literally tried everything else.

There are a few things sticking out in your posts to me - the fact you do all the housework and cooking, the fact when you discuss things he agrees but then does the opposite, the fact he gets a night off without even offering or mentioning to give you a night off in return, whether you go out or not, and the bit that you said in your OP that he is unsupportive to the point that you ended up crying and ranting at him for it. Yeah, he might have a different parenting style to you/feel out of his depth and feel it's okay to opt out because society enables fathers to do this, but alternatively, he might just be being a selfish, unsupportive dick. If this is part of a wider pattern of behaviour or he was like this even before the baby was born, then the second one is probably more likely. If that is the case thn sadly I think your efforts will be wasted trying to get him to understand.

Thank you all for your thoughts. I agree with each and every one of you which makes things challenging re: what to do. I did have an afternoon off yesterday which was nice. I think i need to do this more often to replenish so that i can give me dc the best care.

As for housework, sometimes i think its best for me to do it bar a few things on the weekend because i do not want to fight nor nag nor have a cry every week just to get things done. I guess i have enabled his attitude towards doing housework since the start of my marriage. Its partly my fault.

Got to try communicating more and in kinder, nicer ways for this to work, i think.

dearie me

walking on eggshells because you don't want to be seen as a nag is a very poor basis for an equal, respectful relationship

Who are these pathetic man-children who don't realise that their life will change and that they will have different responsibilities and that a different attitude to life comes (or should come) when they have a child?
Why do so many women enable pathetic and self indulgent behavior from their partner?

He should be making your life easier, not the other way around.

oh, and letting him off the hook wrt to the shit work that we all have to do, makes you a door mat

yes, APF - it does make me a doormat.
Did agree that he will help with the housework on the weekends and for him to look after DC on the weekends when I want a break. Actually hoovered yesterday!

He's def in denial about being a father, as I am sometimes about being a mother.

The situation with his work is so stressful and volatile atm (redundancies galore), and it does sound like im making excuses for him, but part of me just wants to minimise stress at home. Should he be in another job where it was stable and with minimal worries, I might not even have to be writing this!

I'm no saint or perfect Stepford wife, believe you me. I can be a right cow at times. Up until the birth, DP was wonderful. not perfect, but really sweet and considerate. He did everything I asked of him : cooked and cleaned the kitchen, hoovered when I asked. It just went to pot after the birth. But then, so did the work situation.

I really don't know what to think about it all now...