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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be really stuck - does DDad marry us or give me away?

46 replies

OublahPoo · 21/10/2011 00:28

Okay we are getting married. But me and DH (to be) are stuck.

My Dad wants to marry us (he is a priest) in his church, back home and I like the idea of this - there is something nice about it.
DP family (and DP) would like for us to get married here in the UK at their local church.

So if in UK my dad would give me away but wouldn't marry us
If back home Dad would marry us but I would have to find someone to give me away (no idea who)

Except DPs gandmother couldn't travel to the wedding if wasn't in the UK
And far more of my family couldn't come if it was in the UK.

Help !!

OP posts:
NoOnesGoingToEatYourEyes · 21/10/2011 00:29

Your mum could give you away.

You could have a blessing in the county you don't get married in, so the relatives who couldn't come to the wedding still get to see you have a special day.

MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll · 21/10/2011 00:30

What would you prefer?

Original poster
OublahPoo · 21/10/2011 00:33

My dads a priest NoOnes ... My Mum died when I was about 3 and I'm a only child.

mumbling I don't know :(

OP posts:
Bogeymanface · 21/10/2011 00:34

I agree with the wedding in one and the blessing in another if you can run to it.

Your mum could give you away, but where is the rule that (assuming you do it in your home country) your dad cant walk you down the aisle and then marry you? Thats what I would do :)

Bogeymanface · 21/10/2011 00:35

Oh shit, sorry. X-post about your mum. I am so sorry :(

strictlycomedancingdiva · 21/10/2011 00:39

How about your Dad gives you away at a civil ceremony here and then you return home for him to give you a blessing in church, and seeing as by then you would be married you wouldn't have to look for someone else to give you away?

NoOnesGoingToEatYourEyes · 21/10/2011 00:41

Oh I am sorry.

Do you have another close relative or friend, man or woman, who you would like to give you away? Even a child on either side of the family who you are especially close to could do it.

Alternatively, you don't have to have anyone to give you away at all.

spendthrift · 21/10/2011 00:43

Agree the splitting of the events but you could get your best mate to give you away in the one where your father is officiating ? I didn't have a father to do it, so got an uncle and a godfather to share the job, but were I to do so now, I think I'd use my maids of honour (who gave the best speeches anyway).

Kayano · 21/10/2011 00:44

My dads uncle married him but not in his church, at my mums. Got permission from the other church to do it Grin

RaspberryLemonPavlova · 21/10/2011 00:57

My father did both for my sister. He walked her down the aisle as her father (ie in morning suit), then the congregation sang a hymn while he went into the vestry to put on his alb.

Procedure reversed at the end, although actually all main wedding party was in side room at that point too.

Sadly, he had died by my wedding, so I felt a double loss there. Feel for you not having your Mum.

flicktheswitch · 21/10/2011 08:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EdithWeston · 21/10/2011 08:24

I would say you can solve this by citing tradition and having the bride marry from her home.

I think it is very special to be married by a parent. Do you have a Godfather who could give you away?

LadyMontdore · 21/10/2011 08:30

I think being married by your father would be very special. DB and SIL were just married by her father and it was lovely, really added something extra. Agree re the tradition / convention is to get married where the bride is from so I think if that's what you want that's what you should do. And then have a blessing here for those who can't make it.

KreepyInMind · 21/10/2011 08:32

Oh how lovely to have your dad marry you, I am with the have the wedding and then a blessing that way two parties and everyone gets to be part of your day.
Congratulations

Tinkerisdead · 21/10/2011 08:35

I was going to say as kayano. Is your dad's faith recognised here, could you seek permission for him to use your lical church in the uk?

Lucyinthepie · 21/10/2011 08:53

I think you should at least look into ways that your father could marry you in the UK. And as said above, he could give you away as well. It seems a shame that a lot of people you and DP would like to have at the wedding would miss out if you go to your Dad's church to do it.
What about going to a non-church venue? Can you be religiously married there?

chinam · 21/10/2011 08:56

I've been at a wedding where the dad walked the bride down the aisle and then stepped behind the pulpit and conducted the service. It was lovely.

TipOfTheSlung · 21/10/2011 08:56

If you can't get him permission for over here then I would go with him marrying you in his home church.

I ouldn't have anyone to give me away

hels71 · 21/10/2011 09:20

My dad is a vicar and I refused to allow him to do the ceremony as I wanted him there as my dad not the vicar. Luckily there was a retired vicar around who also had family links so he did the service. In my case though I really can not cope with dad in "vicar mode" and would not have felt married. and would probably have spent the ceremony trying not to laugh!!! (dreadul daughter I know but he goes all official!!!) He did however marry my sister...which she thought was lovely.
Is it possible that the vicar of the church in the UK would allow your dad to do the service there? When my DD was baptised the local vicar here was very happy for dad to come down and do the service.
Not sure about the giving away..do you have any handy uncles/cousins??

AKMD · 21/10/2011 09:40

I would go with your dad marrying you. It would be so special for him.

It's a very tough call but tradition is that the bride marries from her family home. If your DP wasn't an only that would cinch it for me. You can have a blessing here in the UK for friends and family who weren't able to get to the wedding. My aunt and uncle did that - a religious ceremony in my aunt's home country, then a registry office do and a big reception in the UK for my uncle's family and friends. It was great :o

Original poster
OublahPoo · 21/10/2011 09:47

I do have a godfather but he wont be able to come to the wedding (he has dementia and is in a home -back home). Have 2 uncles that are lovely people but can't really see them giving me away.
Maybe I should phone up the bishop and ask about dad marrying us in DP family church? to see if it is a back up and a 3rd option.
strictly if we did civil ceromony then religious blessing - church wouldn't see us as married in the civil one (religiously)
doctorswife I would hope it it recognised or a few people have a bit of a problem :P

Thanks

OP posts:
ElaineReese · 21/10/2011 09:50

Would you consider just 'giving' yourself? Seeing as you own yourself?

AMumInScotland · 21/10/2011 09:59

If your dad and the church are the same denomination, then I don't see why there'd be any problem with him doing the ceremony, or at least part of it, in your DPs local church. You may need to talk to the local clergy about it or as you say go to the bishop. I'm guessing RC? CofE tend to go to the locals rather than the bishop about this sort of stuff...

You don't need to have anyone to "give you away" - just walk down the aisle yourself if that's the situation you are in.

Hassled · 21/10/2011 10:02

Do you have children? Could they give you away?

ChunkyPickle · 21/10/2011 10:09

I think being married by your father would be absolutely lovely, then a blessing in this country.

I know many couples who are from different countries, and most of them have done a variation on this.

I also went to a wedding where the bride was married by her father, but walked down the isle with her daughter rather than with an older relative - it was probably my favourite of all the weddings I've ever been to (and it was a budget, bring a plate do so not even expensive)