to be really stuck - does DDad marry us or give me away?

[OublahPoo]

Okay we are getting married. But me and DH (to be) are stuck.

My Dad wants to marry us (he is a priest) in his church, back home and I like the idea of this - there is something nice about it.
DP family (and DP) would like for us to get married here in the UK at their local church.

So if in UK my dad would give me away but wouldn't marry us
If back home Dad would marry us but I would have to find someone to give me away (no idea who)

Except DPs gandmother couldn't travel to the wedding if wasn't in the UK
And far more of my family couldn't come if it was in the UK.

Help !!

Both mine and DH's dad's are Ministers so both performed the service. My dad ran me down the aisle (he was nervous) and then became Minister for the ceremony with DH's dad. I think he did the legal bit as it was his church. If I was Minister of your local church in the UK I would be more than happy to share taking part in the service so he could do both (me and DH are Ministers too). It is only the legal vows that need to be done by the "home" minister, everything else could then be done by your dad (disclaimer: I am not CofE though, it is a bit different in that case)

My initial thought is that your dad is your dad first and a priest second

I say this because you only have one dad, your dad has only one daughter. The fact that your mum has sadly died makes this even more important.

The church has many priests, in all sorts of denominations but all serving the same God. You can replace a priest, you can not replace your dad.

If I was in your situation I would want my dad to walk me down the aisle and stand by my side until I was married. I would then like him to take part in the service in some way, perhaps sermon, readings, prayers or final blessing.

As to where to get married, I'd rather be traditional and get married from 'home' but would take into consideration what would be easiest for the majority.

OublahPoo, in the end it's your choice with your OH what I have said is only how I feel

Why do you need anyone to give you away?

I do like Hassled's idea of any children you may have walking down the aisle with you?

You don't need to be given away by anyone. You and your DH-to-be could actually walk down the aisle together - most of the traditional wedding ceremony is just that, traditional. It's not written in stone. It's important that you do what feels right for both of you.

OP, if you're Protestant there are usually links between different 'branches' of churches so I'm sure there will be a church nearby that would give permission for your dad to marry you, it just may not be your local church, IYSWIM. Like, all Anglican churches are linked at some level...

my Dad is a priest too! Not yet married but I would rather he gave me away

I think it would be so special for your dad to do the ceremony, and must admit I find the idea of being 'given away' a little odd. If you want company down the aisle, you could walk with your DH to be? It's great fun - you don't feel so nervous coming in together! Or with really anyone who can hold you arm, I think.

Btw, it is always worth talking to local vicars to see how accommodating they will be. They can only say no. They can be brilliant. My wedding was meant to be done by a priest from DH's religion in his church, and he said at the last minute there was a problem. The vicar at our local church not only found a free few hours in his church's schedule (in the middle of August, not easy!), but also happily put up with a priest from a different denomination coming in and making himself at home for the afternoon. I think the vicar was very kind but who knows, maybe you'd find the vicar at your DP's church equally kind?

Congratulations!

MuminScotland he can't be RC unless he's a very badly behaved RC priest!

I think as others have suggested you should walk down the aisle yourself or maybe with the best man? And have your dad marry you, that will be lovely

DH and I walked down the aisle together (no bridesmaids) and no-one gave me away as I was no-one's except my own to give. Since you describe your fiance as your DP I assume you're living together - it's a bit daft to be perpetuating a tradition that's about handing over a girl from her father's custody to her husband's.

As to the location, what do you actually want to do? Can your DP's grandmother definitely not get there if it's in your home country? Are you close to your family - will you feel the day isn't complete if they can't all come?

Quote: "MuminScotland he can't be RC unless he's a very badly behaved RC priest!"

There are some married RC priests - if they were married before being ordained they stay married. My ex-bf's friend was the son of a RC priest. There aren't very many of them, though.

I would let him be your dad rather than the minister - but then maybe ask him to read the sermon? I'm sure that could be arranged. A friend of mine married a vicar and his friend (also a vicar) performed the ceremony but in his (friend's DH's) church. I'm pretty sure the DH vicar then did some sort of speech thingy. But it was years ago....

Like another poster I wanted my dad to be my dad when I got married, I wanted him to watch us and I wanted to be the only family member in a white poufy dress.
That said I was a child when he trained so knew a lot of priests who could do it and the prson that did perform the ceremony is like my dads twin in someways!

Emsyj, yes, absolutely. Men can be ordained as Catholic priests as widowers - they don't have to have had an entire life of celibacy - and married Anglican priests who convert to Catholicism obviously remain married. And there's definitely a trickle of convert these days, so we'll probably see more married Catholic priests than before...

Do both!

I am from the US and DH is from here. We had a registry office wedding here and a formal church ceremony a year later back home.

If you don't want to do that, how about your mum giving you away? My friends dad is a priest and her mum gave her away :)

banana the OP's mother has died, so this is not an option for her.

Oublah I think what Raspberry's father did sounds lovely- doing both the giving away and the service with a quick change in between.

This would be easy if your father was in his own church. I have no idea how you would go about trying to get permission to do this in a church in the UK.

Good point about the RC/married thing - possible but unlikely! I was just thinking RCs tend to be quicker to go to their bishop about things, where most Anglicans don't think of it. But assuming she was a "vicarage kid" speaking to bishops wouldn't be that big a deal

When I got married to dh I was a bit up in arms about not being given away, my dad was dead, (no brothers, uncles, etc) I had a mortgage and three children - I was no one's property!!

What I decided on was to omit that bit from the service (it isn't an essential bit, it's optional) and I asked my Fil to be to accompany me down the aisle, he is lovely man and as he had two sons it was something he was never going to get the chance to do. It was lovely.

I don't think it makes a lot of sense for a friend or your child to 'give you away'. I thought the point of it was to symbolise you leaving your original family to join your husband's family (or to start a new family if you prefer to see it that way), which is why it's usually your father (or another close relative) who does it? Does the custom mean something different to you?

If it was me, I'd skip the whole 'giving away' part as it often seems a bit incongruous these days anyway!

My Dad is a vicar too. He married DB and DSIL which was lovely as DSILs Dad got his role in walking her down the aisle.

With me, I wanted my Dad to just be my Dad for the day, not working. He walked me down the aisle and another vicar married us.

You could get your Dad to do the sermon if not actually the vows?

Dad got to do his bit later baptising DS which was also lovely.

Can you do both? I know that's not ideal as you need to choose one as being first and one to which most people get invited too.

I like the idea of your father marrying you in your DP's local / family church. And walk down the aisle with your bridesmaid. Your Dad will be at the altar and your Mum will be at your side!

(possibly with hymn Christ be beside me as the entrance?)

i think as you are planning a traditional wedding (in the sense that you are having a church ceremony) you can apply traditional principles - i.e. marry from the bride's home, given away by your father and married by someone else. In the light of your father being widowed, I think it's especially important that he acts as your parent not your priest on this special day. Trying to be the host, the father of the bride and the priest is a bit much IMO.

Whatever you decide, have a lovely day.

Okay thank you all very much :D

And yep RC (you can become a priest as a widower - as my dad did, so that is how he managed to have me)

Talk to bishop - he was a bit iffy about it as dad isn't just from down the road but from a different country.
I get what people are saying about my dad being my dad on the day and actually I would really like him too but also marry me.

I'm going to have a think about if someone else could marry us if we did it back home and dad was dad not priest (it would have to be someone I knew - maybe a family friend?)

err this is so hard. Thanks all though.