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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to wonder if working dads are feeling guilty and stressed?

52 replies

RitaMorgan · 19/10/2011 19:34

We hear a lot about working mums, struggling to have it all, missing out on time with their children etc. I have read a few heated threads over the last few days debating nursery care, women feeling guilty and upset about using childcare, other women suggesting they should feel that way.

I was wondering if fathers worry in the same way? There certainly doesn't seem to be an expectation that putting children in childcare should be a source of anxiety for men.

DP is a great dad, very involved and hands on, definitely an equal parent - and yet he wasn't really interested in choosing childcare at all. I visited lots of childminders and nurseries, read Ofsted reports, asked people for recommendations - DP basically felt that all Ofsted registered providers met the same minimum standards, would be safe, and so we should just pick the cheapest and most convenient.

Why is it so different?

OP posts:

SarahLundsredJumper · 19/10/2011 20:27

DH and I shared the childcare and quite frankly all
"the mothers should feel guilty crap" peddled by the DM fucks me off no end !

I am an adult and therefore make decisions for my family - I try to make the decision that suits us best and I work hard in and out of the home.
No guilt here .

Yama · 19/10/2011 20:29

Yeah, I agree with that Callmemrs.

We view each other's jobs as equal. Our responsibility to raising our dc and running our home is equal.

Everything is shared. We take it in turns to take time off to look after ill dc, we make sure we know what homework is due, when parents nights are, extra-curricular activities, vaccinations and on and on.

Nothing is completely on my shoulders.

DuelingFanjo · 19/10/2011 21:07

I know that when I went back to work it was me who dealt with the stress of the transition DS and I both had to go through. I was the one doing the dropping off, the nursery settling in and so on. So DH didn't get to deal with the worry and the stress of that transition. We are alright now, DS in settled, I am really happy to be back in work but DH didn't feel the change as much as I did as he went back to work 3 weeks after DS was born while I spent every second of the day with DS for 9 months.

Perhaps if DH had been able to take half of that maternity leave he would have felt the same.

By the way, it wasn't guilt I felt but just the stress of a changing situation.

rycooler · 20/10/2011 14:10

Sorry, I didn't have time yesterday to respond to one of the points raised.
Re; guilt.
Yes, I would feel extremely guilty leaving my baby in a nursery, too big and impersonal and not what a baby needs at all. I'm a big Steve Biddulph fan and read his books religiously whilst bringing up my dc, he is very anti-nursery for the under 3's. ( plenty of research to back up his reasoning )

nailak · 20/10/2011 14:40

im sure my dh is guilty and stressed

DuelingFanjo · 20/10/2011 14:41

I on the other hand will not feel guilty however hard other people rty to make me feel so. ;)

northernrock · 20/10/2011 14:43

I think women try hard not to feel guilty whereas it doesn't even cross men's minds that they "should".
Dads are supposed to work, arnt they?

Ormirian · 20/10/2011 14:45

I don't feel guilty, so why should DH?

I feel fed up, tired, put-upon, frazzled, exhausted quite often. But not guilty. DH also reckons he feels equally tired and put-upon. He is wrong

MoaninMinny · 20/10/2011 14:47

the thing is, women cant have everything can they

they want the final say on whether they should continue with a pregnancy or not - the father has no say, either way, at the end of the day

they generally get custody of children when relationship goes tits up - not too many judges go against the mum, often with the family house.

they want the full time working father to help out in the house, even when they are home all day long not working

they want to work and be mums and delegate responsibility and caring to others. Thats fine in theory. But something has to give - and thats usually at the expense of the child.

SarahLundsredJumper · 20/10/2011 14:54

I dont delegate responsibility and caring to DH - he is equally responsible and caring -he is their father.

Snorbs · 20/10/2011 14:58

Back when my DCs were tiny I used to have a job that frequently meant I was coming home late and often had to stay overnight in hotels. I missed my DCs dreadfully and felt very sad that I was not there. So I changed jobs to one which meant I was home in time for bath, books 'n' bed nearly every day.

Now I'm a single dad with a full-time job I do feel guilty about the before- and after-school childcare. I've minimised the amount of time my DCs have to be there as much as possible but even so I'd much prefer to be able to be at home every day for when they come back from school. Sadly it's just not possible.

Quenelle · 20/10/2011 15:07

We have the same scenario as callmemrs and Yama. DH and I share responsibility equally for earning, childcare and running the home. If there is any guilt to be felt, we share that as well.

Poor Daily Mail. They'll have nobody to accuse of 'wanting to have it all' soon.

porcamiseria · 20/10/2011 15:27

scaredbear has hit nail on the head

DuelingFanjo · 20/10/2011 15:34

"they want the full time working father to help out in the house, even when they are home all day long not working"

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAHA HA HA HA HA H AH AH HAHAHAHA HA!

TadlowDogIncident · 20/10/2011 16:00

What DuelingFanjo said. Twice.

Proudnscary · 20/10/2011 16:08

1.I work full time and don't feel guilty

Men are different creatures, don't care what any of ya's say

Snorbs · 20/10/2011 16:38

Not so much different creatures but subject to different societal pressures and influences.

mummc2 · 20/10/2011 16:48

My DH definately feels guilty.He leaves early in a morning and they are in there pjs or in bed by the time he gets home. He hates having to go to work while I get to spend time with them (jealous as well) but also wishes he earned more so I didnt have to work at all. I work approx 19-23 hours a week I dont feel guilty leaving them but then again they are looked after by nans only (my Mum 1 day and his 2 days) so I see as time well spent with family.

whackamole · 20/10/2011 16:48

I have never felt guilty or stressed about putting my children into nursery. Neither has OH as far as I know.

The stress comes when they are ill and one or the other of us has to look after them, but that is it. I love my children but being a SAHM is just not for me.

I did feel guilty about not feeling guilty though! I didn't cry or get upset when I left them for the first time - although I might have done had they been more upset.

I'm just cold I guess

wordfactory · 20/10/2011 17:18

Dh works silly hours and I know there is residual guilt there about not spending more time with the DC.

That said, it is residual guilt, not deep down in your face sadness that woeking women are meant to feel.

It means he refuses to spend any of his free time on himself, spending it all with the DC.
But it has not meant that he has actively looked for a job with fewer hours, which I assume he would if it really bothered him.

Putrifyno · 20/10/2011 18:39

This guilt just comes from the media, I think. Women have ALWAYS worked - well maybe not the rich ones, but then they had nannies and governesses etc. In the pre-war days even women not in paid employment faced domestic drudgery with no online shopping and appliances. It would have been a full time job to keep the house and family clean and fed. GPs, neighbours, older children would have helped a lot with childcare. It was not unknown for families to send children to live with other family members due to lack of space.

"Quality time" is a modern invention. It is a good one, and it is indeed lovely that we get to spend more time with our dcs, but the human race has survived perfectly well without it for millenia. So now, if we "dare" to venture away from the kids to earn necessary money, or to save our sanity, or just because we bloody well want to, knowing that the dcs are being looked after in another safe, stimulating environment, why the HELL should anyone feel GUILTY about it? Sad maybe, if you'd rather be home with them, but never guilty!

Cathycomehome · 20/10/2011 18:58

I have never felt any guilt whatsoever about working full time. I went back to work when my son was 12 weeks old. Why would I feel guilty about earning the money we needed to house, feed and clothe us? Don't suppose my partner feels guilty about working (same job, same level in that job) either. It's never crossed my mind to ask him though, so it's possible he is wracked with existential angst.

Ifartrainbows · 20/10/2011 18:59

well said putrify

dawntigga · 20/10/2011 19:05

In our house it isn't, Mr Tigga would stay at home in a heart beat with The Cub if he didn't earn WAY more than me and I'd let him cos he's a terrific dad. He isn't happy that The Cub is in nursery and worries, not exactly like I do as we have different fears but he still worries as much.

HatesSweepingGeneralisationsTiggaxx

northernrock · 20/10/2011 20:23

True Putrify. All the women in my family going back generations have always worked-out of necessity.

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