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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my sons grandad is being selfish

52 replies

maypole1 · 19/10/2011 18:21

Right dd is 11 and supposed to be spending a few days with granddad for the half term

But...... Today dd was really rude called me a witch no less shouting at me refusing to go up stairs blocking my path

I promptly told him half term was off and no grand dad any way more abuse

Then rang granddad and told him that he had been out of order and was not coming round but maybe next weekend if behaviour impoves

Grandad was very cross said he was being punished for dd crimes and that he should still come round and I can punish him later when he gets back

Explained that a weekend packed with ice-cream and movies was not on after his little out burst

Grandad was ell pissed off and thinks i am being to hard on dd WTF I would of just liked some support

OP posts:
rainbowinthesky · 19/10/2011 18:22

Yabu.

OldGreyWassailTest · 19/10/2011 18:23

DD = dear daughter. So, is it son, or daughter. Either way, I think grandad is right - he is being punished as well. Maybe grandad could talk to him (like grandads should) about his behaviour?

hayleysd · 19/10/2011 18:24

Grandad is probably counting down the days to the visit and really looking forward to it, could you not use this as a threat and if behaviour is good until then let him go?

Sandalwood · 19/10/2011 18:25

yabu
Find your own punishment for her/him. Don't you do anything nice with them you can cancel?

plupervert · 19/10/2011 18:25

Maybe it wasn't the right punishment to have chosen, as it does impact on someone else's pleasure.

However, he definitely should have supported your punishment.

How old is DD? (BTW, you seemed to be writing about a son, who on Mumsnet would be "DS", or Dear/Darling Son)

Kayano · 19/10/2011 18:26

YABU punish the kid in your own time.a seperated person would be out
Of order issuing a punishment on the other parents time

Imo

Original poster
maypole1 · 19/10/2011 18:27

Sorry son

He already knows going their is a treat

And when I told my son he would be punished for lying to me me he said well I am still going to my granddads

Sorry but after how he's acted I think being taking to the movies and eating out sends out the wrong message after all if my son misbehaved at granddads like that when he got home if we had anything planned it would be off

OP posts:
Bogeymanface · 19/10/2011 18:27

YANBU at all.

Your FIL is being very childish. Did you warn your DS that he would lose the treat if he carried on behaving like that?

Bad behaviour must be punished and you must stand your ground on this otherwise your DS will think he can do what he likes without fear of censure.

SpookhettiTwirlerAndProud · 19/10/2011 18:27

Im confused, is your child a girl or a boy? Only you keep saying DD, but also say 'my son' and 'him'.

I think yabu really.

squeakyfreakytoy · 19/10/2011 18:28

Sounds like harsh punishment for a bit of cheek.

Original poster
maypole1 · 19/10/2011 18:28

11 I don't want him to think he can be rude here then ring his grandad to delay or put off getting punished

OP posts:
worraliberty · 19/10/2011 18:30

Your son was bang out of order

But YABU because his Grandad would have made plans etc to accomodate him...that's not fair on him.

I'd find another punishment if I were you.

Original poster
maypole1 · 19/10/2011 18:30

Boy sorry its a he it wasn't a bit of cheek he was shouting all sorts blocking my was, grabbed something out of my hand tipped his desk over

Sorry but in my view that is not a bit of cheek

OP posts:
Original poster
maypole1 · 19/10/2011 18:32

worraliberty and thats the whole issue one of the things he was hosing is I don't care what you do i am still going to the pictures with granddad And I won't repeat the end of the sentence

OP posts:
tulipgrower · 19/10/2011 18:33

YABU
My sons grandparents would be devastated if I cancelled a visit on short notice. They so look forward to it, make special plans, prepare special food, talk about nothing else for weeks before and after. It means way more to them, that to my son. If his Grandfather is remotely as interested in him, as my sons Grandparents are interested in him, then you are being cruel.

worraliberty · 19/10/2011 18:35

Oh I see well that's a tough one then

I can quite see why you wouldn't want to give in to that sort of behaviour.

If anything, you probably need to come down on him like a ton of bricks because if he's trying to intimidate you at age 11, imagine how he'll be as a teenager.

YANBU in that case Sad

squeakyfreakytoy · 19/10/2011 18:39

Ok fair enough the attitude is out of order, but it is unfair on the grandfather. Its not like a school trip where only the child will suffer by not going, but if the granddad has been looking forwards to the visit it is a bit harsh on granddad to stop the visit. I would ask that the trip to the cinema is either cancelled or put on hold so long as his behavour improves though.

WhereYouLeftIt · 19/10/2011 18:45

Well I probably would have given him verbal warnings that he would not be going to grandad's if he didn't apologise and improve his behaviour first; but on the whole I'd probably have used the same punishment, or one of a similar weight.

It would have been better for grandad to have backed you up, but possibly he never had much hand in disciplining his children, it was all done and dusted while he was out working Grin, so he just doesn't 'get' it IYSWIM.

In fairness most grandparents probably think most parents are too hard on their darling ikkle grandchildren, try not to take it personally.

KurriKurri · 19/10/2011 18:46

How about a compromise where he behaves impeccably for a few days, and earns back a few days with Granddad? - that way you won't be seen to be backing down, and Granddad will still get to see him.

Original poster
maypole1 · 19/10/2011 18:50

Thats exactly what I said if he behaves and says sorry which he is refusing to do at the moment then he can go next week

OP posts:
plupervert · 19/10/2011 18:55

Oh, in that case, if he's calculating enough to say "I don't care what you do i am still going to the pictures with granddad", he needs to be thwarted.

Sounds as though his gransfather needs a bit of discipline, as well, if he cares so little about what kind of child his GS is.

slavetofilofax · 19/10/2011 18:58

YANBU, and the Grandad is being selfish

Imjustagirl · 19/10/2011 19:07

YABU im afraid.

I am a non practising family solicitor and used to deal with this issue a lot. You should punish in your time not during contact time with family members. Not seeing a grandfather should never be a punishment, a child has a right to spend time with family members. Punish him by all means and perhaps even request no sweets during visit (if you must) but don't stop the visit.

As a parent myself, I do understand your point of view. I know that when the kids have misbehaved, if they spend time with their grandparents, they will be spoilt. Mine are still young so I only do short punishments anyway. If your son is older, confiscating phone, x box... would be a much better punishment in my opinion.

Original poster
maypole1 · 19/10/2011 19:08

I feel very sad my son spoke to me like that I m very drained from the argument and the lack of back up from my exs father is bit disappointing really

Gonna go and get some wine and have a little cry

OP posts:
Imjustagirl · 19/10/2011 19:12

and while you are doing that, pass by his room and take his most prized possession! Kids can be cruel! Sorry you are having a hard time. xx