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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my sons grandad is being selfish

52 replies

maypole1 · 19/10/2011 18:21

Right dd is 11 and supposed to be spending a few days with granddad for the half term

But...... Today dd was really rude called me a witch no less shouting at me refusing to go up stairs blocking my path

I promptly told him half term was off and no grand dad any way more abuse

Then rang granddad and told him that he had been out of order and was not coming round but maybe next weekend if behaviour impoves

Grandad was very cross said he was being punished for dd crimes and that he should still come round and I can punish him later when he gets back

Explained that a weekend packed with ice-cream and movies was not on after his little out burst

Grandad was ell pissed off and thinks i am being to hard on dd WTF I would of just liked some support

OP posts:
waterrat · 19/10/2011 19:13

aw maypole, it's sad that you are having a tough time, but the grandad must be absolutely gutted not to get his time with his grandson....I completely agree with I'm just a girl - it's not your time, you have to let him see his granddad. perhaps if you spoke to granddad and asked him to have a chat about his behaviour?

Imagine if your son misbehaved while with his father and as a punishment he stopped him seeing you! that wouldn't be fair would it?

Putrifyno · 19/10/2011 19:14

Am responsible grandparent would surely also be horrified by that kind of behaviour and would back up the mother? He is a grown up - he is not being punished. I might be horrible, but if dd behaved in such a manner, I would be making it very clear that she is also responsible for disappointing her GF and ruining HIS plans by behaving in such an atrocious manner.

Putrifyno · 19/10/2011 19:15

No bloody way would she be getting a treat.

Original poster
maypole1 · 19/10/2011 19:19

waterrat sorry but yes it my son misbehaved at his granddads anything nice we were doing when he got back would be cancelled

I fee drained

OP posts:
flicktheswitch · 19/10/2011 19:23

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mynewpassion · 19/10/2011 19:24

I am sure that the granddad would have been more supportive of any punishment you doled out as long as it wasn't canceling his visit.

YABU for canceling the visit.

Witchofthenorth · 19/10/2011 19:27

I understand what you are saying maypole, but he is with you the majority of the time, so you cancelling fun times may not be such an issue as grandad cancelling fun times. I know that when my kids have misbehaved when they have been due to go to GPs, I have imposed a punishment of sorts....no playstation, no DVDs before bed that sort if thing and insisted that nana carries it out. It sends the message that even although you are still getting to visit famly, to are not getting out of the punishment.
It also means that GP asks why the punishment, I tell her and then she has "a chat" about why they behaved the way they did.

I feel your frustration, and I am in no way saying my version is the correct course of action.....just trying t give you another option. Have a bottle of Wine

Pagwatch · 19/10/2011 19:28

I can understand why you have done it but your FIL has a fair point.

Most unfair that he was looking forward to a visit and it is cancelled as a punishment.

It shouldn't be about who is right and who is wrong. If you feel that you have to cancel you should apologise to fil for messing him about rather than just seeing him as selfish.

To be honest the fact that he wants to be with your son is a good thing. You should be using him rather than fighting him.

SausageGoulsAndFruitSpooks · 19/10/2011 19:29

YANBU. You're not cancelling or denying him the visit. Just postponing it until the following weekend.

If my son behaved like that I wouldn't allow him to spend a weekend getting treats either.

MJlovesscareypants · 19/10/2011 19:33

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shineynewthings · 19/10/2011 19:44

YADefoNOTbeing Unreasonable, and if you give in, your child will know that next time when you say no you don't really mean it. Grandad should be backing you up, he's being a bit self oriented.

But your DS will think twice next time. There really is too much pandering to the children these days, it's as if parents believe that their child's self esteem is so frail they'll fall apart if they're given firm boundaries and they'll be hated for giving them. Your DS isn't frail he's a sounds like he has a strong character which is a very good quality that'll serve him well provided it's trained in the right way.

Nip the disrespect in the bud now and reap the benefits tomorrow.

HidingInTheUndergrowth · 19/10/2011 19:46

I can understand why you want to punish your son and that this seems a good way of doing it but you seem to just assume that your fil has absolutely nothing else in his life apart from waiting about for a visit from your ds. For all you know he could have turned down other things this weekend in order to spend time with your ds and now you are suddenly saying this is not happening. And to then say ds may or may not visit next weekend seems to be messing fil about a bit to me as it means that he now has to keep next weekend free because the the possibly that he may or may not see your ds.

Grandparents do have lives as well.

EverybodysScaryEyed · 19/10/2011 20:03

I think it is unfair on grandad as others have said

TBH it sounds like you could do with the break from your son so it might be best to let him go and punish him by taking all privileges etc and make it very clear he is going for grandad not for him

SuchProspects · 19/10/2011 20:18

I think it's unfortunate that your FIL is also affected by the punishment, but for the behaviour you describe YANBU to cancel the visit. When you can avoid impacting others it's good to do so. But when your DC is using a particular treat as an escape from facing up to their behaviour as yours was, I think it's wise to disabuse them of the idea they can get away with it straight off.

hugglymugly · 19/10/2011 20:30

I don't think you're being unreasonable. At 11 years old your son should be well on the way to understanding that that kind of behaviour has consequences.

If your ex's father was capable of being a good role model for his grandson he should be supporting you in dealing with your son's unacceptable behaviour. If he were, then the visit could go ahead with no movies/ice cream treats, but with some serious talks about disrepectful and aggressive behaviour.

But it doesn't sound as though that's going to be possible. In which case, I don't think the grandfather should get the treat of spending time with his grandson if he's not going to step up to the mark.

GalaxyWeaver · 19/10/2011 21:21

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Harecare · 19/10/2011 21:31

YABU. You could have a child free weekend and instead you are going to spend it with your grounded son? Doesn't sound like fun to me.
Have a word with Grandad and work out a way ds can go without you seeming to back down. Make sure Grandad has a word with ds about his behaviour and having respect for his Mother. They can still go to the cinema and have fun, but it would be good if Grandad could make it seem he is disappointed with your DS.
Choose a different punishment. NEVER use something as a punishment that means you get punished too!

Original poster
maypole1 · 19/10/2011 21:38

I had no plans to go out so not missing out and I would not have had a child free weekend I have a disabled 5 year old

Personally I don't see it as a punishment having the kids at home I don't mind i am quite a homebody

Thanks for all the advice most seems to be from mums with small kids I should posted on the teen thread really

I am feeling much better about the punishment and feel he cannot use going to families homes to avoid getting in trouble and also I don't think it would of right to punish him 4 days after the event once he come back from granddads

OP posts:
MJlovesscareypants · 19/10/2011 21:42

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ChaoticAngelofSamhain · 19/10/2011 21:48

YANBU

From your ex FIL's reaction I'm even more certain you're right to stop your DS from going. It doesn't sound to me as if he'd back you up at all if, for example, you'd still allowed him to go but said no sweets/cinema.

Point out to your DS that it's not just him but also his GD who is being affected, it may just make him think next time.

WhereYouLeftIt · 20/10/2011 10:13

Well my son is 13 now, so I can still remember 11 as when he started pushing the boundaries. It is important to nip it in the bud, and if your FIL was any sort of a man and gave a damn about how his grandson was going to turn out, he'd be backing you to the hilt. I know my PIL and parents did and always will.

And Chaotic makes a good point - spell it out to your son that his behaviour did not just cancel the treat for himself but also for his grandad. Responsibility for others can be a great motivator; where you might feel nothing but resentment for your own punishment, you're likely to feel guilt for others.

cory · 20/10/2011 10:22

YABU from me too. I have an 11yo ds who is pushing boundaries, and a near-15yo, so I know the issues and I still think it very rude to use other people as disciplinary measures; that's your job, not theirs.

How does granddad know it won't happen again next weekend? The assumption is that he has nothing else important to do with his life: if I were him I would resent that assumption.

It is also sending bad messages to your ds about standing other people up: if you can cancel at short notice for your convenience, then presumably it is all right for other people to do the same. Including him.

Cassettetapeandpencil · 20/10/2011 10:27

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cory · 20/10/2011 10:34

I still remember my dd looking forward for weeks to a friend's party as a special, special treat and then having the friend's mum phone up an hour before to explain that her dd had misbehaved so the party was now off. Dd cried all afternoon and couldn't work out what she had done wrong to miss out on her treat. I was astonished by my friend's rudeness in letting us down without a qualm because it suited her. It felt as if we were only a convenience to suit her plans concerning her daughter.

Of course, the granddad is not a child and no doubt will not react as strongly as dd did. But the rudeness is still the same: "now I feel like giving my ds a treat so you can have him, now I don't feel like it so you can't, your feelings never mattered in the first place".

kelly2000 · 20/10/2011 12:18

YANBU,
It is not just about punishing him, it is about teaching him there are consequences for his actions. Going to GD was a treat so he should miss it. It is just tought that it also upsets GD as otherwise he will grow up to be a horrible person. The way he acted is not normal for an 11 year old, sounds like he gets worshipped. I wonder if his GD makes him feel he can do no wrong. The fact that GD thinks this is too hard on the son makes me think he does make him think he can do exactly what he wnats.beside sif you change the punishment he will know behaving aggressivly like this is OK.