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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To move out of the family home?

29 replies

mumineedawee · 19/10/2011 00:53

Have also posted in what would you do, as I am desperate, and have reached the end of my here to fore unending patience. Here goes:

My dp has mental health issues. Mostly he is low, depressed, doesn't go out, doesn't wash, etc. I can't motivate him, I love him, but I cannot go on with our life as it is. He refuses to get any help from his doctor, and believes he can do it himself (ie can manage his life).

The house, due to his lack of personal care, leaves the kitchen filthy, bathroom in a disgusting condition, and so on. I come in from work, open windows, clean, cook, do homework, housework, prepare for the next day, bath, read bedtime stories, listen to his day (!), and then fall into a heap in bed. Get up the next morning and do the whole mary poppins routine, and feel like going crazy. He thinks he doesn't need help with how he is. I cannot move him, he appears to not want to chance. I am exhausted and feel that I have to do something to survive.

My need for advice is this:
The house is in a horrible condition. The children hate it. It embarrasses them and they don't want to have friends over, etc.

I feel that the only option open to me is to move out to rented accommodation, hopefully for not too long, but long enough to help us all get some normality. I do worry about him and how he would cope, but feel that children's needs have to come first here, for once in their lives.

DP is welcome to come with us, but I suspect that he will refuse (on the basis that he believes that he has a perfectly good house to live in and that I just simply don't do enough around the house, or make it so that he finds it hard to work around me - I work eight hours a day).

What would ye do?

AIBU in actively seeking other homes for us to live in?

OP posts:
Original poster
mumineedawee · 19/10/2011 01:06

Bumping, sorry Thanks

OP posts:
Booooooyhoo · 19/10/2011 01:11

i dont think you are at all. i think the children need to come first if he is refusing to get any help or to change things himself.

can i ask though, how is the house getting so filthy in the time you are at work? what is he doing in it to make it get dirty so quickly?

JaneFonda · 19/10/2011 01:11

Why should you have to move out? I don't understand - if he's refusing professional help, surely it should be him to leave the family home instead.

HansieMom · 19/10/2011 01:11

does he work? do you sleep in the same bed? I would not want to if he does not bathe. A break would allow you to have a clean bathroom, a tidy kitchen, a nice smelling house, a pleasant home for your kids to bring friends over. Sounds nice, doesn't it? It is also normal.

SephreniaRidesABroomstick · 19/10/2011 01:14

That's a tough one. If you've tried everything you can think of to try and motivate your DP and get him some help, then I think this relationship is dead in the water.

He's not helping himself and he's certainly not helping you from what you've said so I think YANBU to start looking for somewhere else to live. If nothing else, it might give him the shock he needs to get some professional help.

That's just my take on it given what you've posted. Sorry if it isn't much help.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 19/10/2011 01:16

Hmm, if you rent a place, it'll probably be for 6 months minimum, not just a few weeks. (Unless you move into a serviced apartment, which will be very expensive.) Are you up for that?

NunTheWiser · 19/10/2011 01:18

No, I don't think YABU. Being mentally ill is horrible for the sufferer and those around them. You've tried all you can to help him and he won't accept it. It's now impacting on your life and the children's. You need to minimise the damage done to them.

Original poster
mumineedawee · 19/10/2011 01:20

We don't share a bedroom.

He brings stuff into the house which makes it untidy ( a years supply of magazines for the latest interest, or 3 bags of reduced price potatoes, already sprouting, and so on), leaving whatever he likes wherever he likes, etc.

He will never move out, he lived here first, although we both got a mortgage to pay for the renovations, etc. He is very arrogant.

I doubt myself at every juncture. I feel at the moment that I do what I can to make life easy for everyone, but I think I will break. He never helps with practical stuff, but will criticise whenever he can, so that I can never get his support when needed. He is full of ideas on how I should organise the children, my work, shopping, and so on, but never helps (if that sounds crazy, I apologise, but it is how it is round ours)

OP posts:
ClaudiaSchiffer · 19/10/2011 02:44

Can you afford to move out? I'm guessing since you haven't bought up finances then it's not an issue for you.

To be honest, I would find it VERY hard to remain loving and patient with my dh if he behaved like yours. I know having severe depression is hell on earth (I have had some grim experiences in my life I'd never wish to repeat) but living with someone who is in such a dark place and refusing all help would be extremely difficult.

I think YANBU at all. You are flogging yourself to support everyone, at work and at home, and seem to me to have very little in return. You live with a depressed, critical, unhelpful husband, who makes your life more difficult. Which all sounds miserable.

If you moved out it may well give him a kick up the pants in order to look at his life and its impact on you and the kids. Which is not necessarily a bad thing.

ClaudiaSchiffer · 19/10/2011 02:45

And it sounds like you need the Thanks

AlpinePony · 19/10/2011 02:52

I would get a cleaner.

This will clean the house and relieve you of time and pressure giving you a clean head to look at your relationship.

garlicScaresVampires · 19/10/2011 02:57

YANBU. Depression can be 'catching' and, what with all the stress, it sounds as if your own mental health is struggling to keep a foothold. As you say, you and the kids need some safe, warm, cleanish normality.

I don't know if there's any point in alerting social services to his vulnerable state - how would that even work? - but, illness notwithstanding, H is an adult and you are reasonable to expect him to take responsibility for himself.

I wish you all good luck with finding a place and sorting yourself & DC out. You are doing the right thing. Have some Thanks Wine and Brew

hairylights · 19/10/2011 06:13

You asked wwyd. I left my DH because of this (and the abuse I suffered as a result). If he's blaming it on you not doing enough, he is abusing you.

fivegomadindorset · 19/10/2011 07:29

This is not a normal way for your children and you to live, I would move in this situation. Good luck.

jasper · 19/10/2011 08:22

I'd leave. Today.

Trifle · 19/10/2011 08:30

Why would you want him to come with you, surely you would just shift all his problems to a new venue.

I can't see that the children benefit hugely from having him around. What are the financial implications if you do move out? Are you the sole breadwinner so will you have to pay the mortgage and rent?

He obviously won't and isn't going to get better so if you can move out and start afresh with the kids in a decent normal house then life has got to be better.

WhereYouLeftIt · 19/10/2011 09:11

YANBU. You are living under intolerable conditions. It sounds as if you have prioritised supporting him, and it is grinding you down to the ground. How long before you succumb to MH issues in reaction to the pressure? What then for your children with both parents incapacitated? You have needs. Your children have needs. Why should they not have priority now? Your support of your partner is not helping him, indeed it could be providing him (in a self-deluding way) with justification to make no changes. In the short term. moving yourself and the children out of this unhealthy environment looks to be the best thing to do for you and your children. In the long term it may also be the best thing for your partner. But the priority now should be you and your children.

On the practical side - as OldLadyKnowsNothing has pointed out, renting a place will not just be for a few weeks. (And moving your situation to a better place will not just take a few weeks, so that's OK.) Is it financially possible? You are the sole earner, and I presume you run the household finances, so you know whether you can do this or not.

I would start looking at what's available to rent ASAP. Knowing there is an end to your present circumstances might make it easier for you and the children to grit your teeth for just a little longer, long enough to exit.

colken · 19/10/2011 09:26

Yes, possibly move out but do not take him with you because he would take his habits with him and you would finish up in the same state as you are now. In any case, if you rent a place, your landlord will not like the way he treats the place, would he, so how long would you be allowed to stay there?

bringbacksideburns · 19/10/2011 09:37

Has he family that can help get through to him? Does he just think you will continue to stay in an intolerable situation?
It seems a shame that you have to be the one to leave the house though.

I would be looking at rental options and leave him to it. How will he be able to stay on if he can't afford it?
Could you arrange someone from the mental health team to pay him a visit?

EricNorthmansMistress · 19/10/2011 10:38

You have a joint mortgage so I believe you could force him to sell or buy you out if you left. You should get legal advice on that.
As to whether you should leave him - well I would. But that's down to you.

garlicScaresVampires · 19/10/2011 12:24

If he's blaming it on you not doing enough, he is abusing you.

Yes, this too. Was afraid to say it and glad Hairylights did.

hairylights · 19/10/2011 16:04

I don't use the term 'abusing' lightly. I have lived through this myself it is bloody hard and the hardest part is recognising you are being abused and taken advantage of.

Two and a half years later, and in a healthy, lovely relationship I can see the abuse so very clearly.

Abuse is abuse whether the person is ill or not.

HecateGoddessOfTheNight · 19/10/2011 16:17

There comes a point when, much as you want to help and support a partner with problems like you describe, you have to put yourself and your children first.

You have tried. And tried and tried and tried. And this is now seriously affecting your children.

Move out.

You never know, maybe that will be what he needs to finally accept some help.

Blu · 19/10/2011 16:29

I can't begin to imagine why you would move and then suggest he comes with you!

It sounds as if moving out is your only option for avoiding exhaustion (mental, emotional and physical) and providing a good environment for the children. Take legal advice about your responsibility for the mortgage payments, and what your options are. I presume he does not work? If he defaults on the payments you will be helf liable if it is a joint mortgage, so you need to be very clear about your financial arrangements.

It sounds a very sad situation, but you have tried, and it isn't your fault if you can't solve his problems. It sounds as if there are issues which are separate and in addition to his mental health issues, anyway.

You really shouldn't have to live like this.

slavetofilofax · 19/10/2011 16:45

You need to get your name taken off the mortgage before you do anything. If you move out you will either have to pay for two roofs or he will default and you will be held responsible. Seriously, if you think there is no way he will ever move, YOU need to be the one that provides a home for the children.

You should see a solicitor about it.

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