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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel disappointed at DS4?

43 replies

megs7 · 18/10/2011 17:52

I just found out DC4 is boy #4. I went into the pregnancy knowing this was my last and felt like I was open to another baby boy. When I found out yesterday I spent most of the day in a funk or crying.

I feel like this pregnancy is not special. My first was totally unplanned and was the first grandchild on either side of the family. I was thrilled to have a boy. The second pregnancy was twins, total shock, the first in the family. We had boys and I was disappointed as I wanted b/g. I was so disappointed in myself for feeling bad about two boys but the excitement of twins and the fact that I knew we were having four regardless meant I got over it after a day.

This time around I was secretly very disappointed not to get twins again. I tried really hard to think of this baby as boy #4 so that I wouldn't be upset when I found out, but I am. I just have this overwhelming feeling that this pregnancy is nothing special, it's just another boy.

I don't have dreams of frilly pink dresses or a special mother - daughter bond. I haven't always felt that girls are closer to their mothers or anything. I just always wanted a mixed gender family. If I had a girl and she was tomboy or whatever, great! I don't care. I feel like I have missed out on giving a different dimension to our family and giving my boys the experience of a sister and my DH the experience of a daughter.

OP posts:
Gonzo33 · 18/10/2011 17:55

Ha ha ha, be careful what you wish for! I wanted a girl, got one and she is trouble with a capital T. Love her to bits but she is soooooo much more work than my boy was.

cjbartlett · 18/10/2011 17:58

I just have this overwhelming feeling that this pregnancy is nothing special, it's just another boy.

thats so sad

nothing really anyone can say

if only you'd known you'd feel this way you could have stuck at 3

hopefully your feelings will change

bumpybecky · 18/10/2011 17:59

I'm sorry you feel like that :(

If it helps at all PIL had 4 boys and now have 6 grandaughters (and 3 GS). They got to do the girl thing, just had to wait a while! :)

AuntieDoris · 18/10/2011 18:02

Yeah I think you are being totally unreasonable.

Every child is a gift not a disappointment.

You might feel you have missed out on giving your children a sister, but you are lucky to have children at all!

cjbartlett · 18/10/2011 18:04

my sister has 2 boys
she would love a girl but has decided not to have another baby because she knows she'll feel disappointed if she had another boy

squeakyfreakytoy · 18/10/2011 18:05

Never mind, thats 4 daughter-in-laws you can terrorise when your boys grow up! Grin

cjbartlett · 18/10/2011 18:06

and there is another thread running in this topic whic maybe you should read - 'I just want to get and stay pregnant' sorry to sound harsh but sometimes a dose of reality makes you realise what you;ve got not what you haven't got

scarletfingernail · 18/10/2011 18:09

YABU and I hope your son never finds out that you think of him as "just another boy".

rhondajean · 18/10/2011 18:09

Aw I totally get you, I have two DDs and I always wanted a son. I knew DD2 was the last (the pregnancies are too bad to do again apart from anything else) and when the scan thought it was a girl, I was devastated. I know people will say its wrong but if you have always imagined your family one way and you find its never going to be like that, its almost a grief process for the family you "lost".

However, I totally adore both of them, they are fabulous people and DD2 makes me laugh endlessly. I still think about the boy that "might have been" but it doesnt stop you loving the children you do have any. Remember this is your last pregnancy, and hopefully its going smoothly for you, and try to enjoy it for that, you will come around if you let yourself go through the grief process.

JamieComeHome · 18/10/2011 18:29

I expect you'll get over this feeling soon.

The fact that you went ahead with a 4th pregnancy, despite knowing you'd have a 50/50 chance of another boy, suggests what you are feeling now is a temporary reaction. I hope so. You have a few months to process it.

JamieComeHome · 18/10/2011 18:31

cjbartlett - I felt like that a while ago. Then I realised I didn't want any more children, full stop. Now my boys are 8 and 11, if I got pg by accident and it was another boy, I'd be happy.

Magneto · 18/10/2011 18:33

He is special, he's a baby! All new babies are exciting. And he will be the baby of the family if he really is your last so of course he will be special

mrsgboring · 18/10/2011 18:37

How very Sad for your DS4. Hope you can get past this soon.

annalovesmrbates · 18/10/2011 18:47

Yes YABU. Your poor DC4. You are lucky enough to be having a child. You are fortunate to already have 3 children. Count your blessings, there are so many people who would love to be pregnant with a child, boy or girl.

annalovesmrbates · 18/10/2011 18:47

Yes YABU. Your poor DC4. You are lucky enough to be having a child. You are fortunate to already have 3 children. Count your blessings, there are so many people who would love to be pregnant with a child, boy or girl.

LemonDifficult · 18/10/2011 18:49

I don't know why people are feeling sorry for your new DS,- wasted emotion, he isn't born yet! When he's born you'll adore him.

YANBU at all. Just feel how you feel, it's OK. Life has dealt you another boy and you and his family will enjoy him and have lots of fun once he's here. So feel sad about not getting a daughter if you like - it's not the same thing as not loving the little boy you'll have - just make sure you keep the feelings separate from your feelings for DS4 when he arrives.

ladyintheradiator · 18/10/2011 18:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KurriKurri · 18/10/2011 18:55

I've been in the position of struggling to have a child, and suffering miscarriages, but IMO, that is a separate discussion.

OP, - I feel for you, you have been honest about your feeling on hearing you are having another boy, - it's new information, you are getting used to the idea of being a four boy family.

But I don't have the slightest doubt that you will fall in love with this new little boy when he arrives, he will be his own special self and you will adore him.Just give your self a little time to get used to the news.

And of course your pregnancy is special, there is no such thing as just another boy, each new little person is unique whatever the gender. I know several families with children all the same sex, and they are fabulous families, great fun, and really something special.

Congratulations, and good luck with the rest of your pregnancy Smile

TestAnswers · 18/10/2011 18:55

I think it is understandable that you feel like this. However, I also think that it is very special to have four boys. I know a few people with three boys but none with four. To me that is special, much more special than three boys and a girl. You'll love him to bits when he arrives and be so proud of your four boys as the years roll by.

FabbyChic · 18/10/2011 18:56

I have two boys and seriously have never hankered after having a girl, I love my kids to bits really do, and after seeing how girls behave how bitchy they can be when in their teens, I'd never want one even if I was guaranteed one.

cjbartlett · 18/10/2011 19:08

just think 4 boys plus dh = 5 a side footie team with you drinking hot choccy in the warm watching on
and no weddings to fork out for

2marys · 18/10/2011 19:12

completely understand reaction but as said above, once he arrives you'll adore him - and how special for his oldest bro and he to be able to bond, as the non-twins...

BeyondLimitsOfTheLivingDead · 18/10/2011 19:12

Gender preference is apparently a common symptom of antenatal depression (so the last thread said), so its very understandable that you are upset.
At least you found out at the scan so you dont have the "shock" (of course its not a real shock being a 50/50 chance, but YKWIM) of him being a boy when he's born
:)

downpipe · 18/10/2011 19:12

4 children these days is pretty unusual so DS4 will make your family special!And he will always be your youngest,which is also special.I was every so slightly disappointed that DS2 wasn't a girl..for about half a day,but now I love having boys.Once your DS4 arrives it will be fine, he will be the new baby and that is amazing in itself

annalovesmrbates · 18/10/2011 19:14

I said that I feel sorry for this DC.
I remember vividly my just pregnant SIL saying "oh I hope its NOT a boy, I don't want a boy! We just want another girl".
4 years later, I do feel sorry for her (lovely) son. The words were said by her in public, they can never be unsaid.