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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel disappointed at DS4?

43 replies

megs7 · 18/10/2011 17:52

I just found out DC4 is boy #4. I went into the pregnancy knowing this was my last and felt like I was open to another baby boy. When I found out yesterday I spent most of the day in a funk or crying.

I feel like this pregnancy is not special. My first was totally unplanned and was the first grandchild on either side of the family. I was thrilled to have a boy. The second pregnancy was twins, total shock, the first in the family. We had boys and I was disappointed as I wanted b/g. I was so disappointed in myself for feeling bad about two boys but the excitement of twins and the fact that I knew we were having four regardless meant I got over it after a day.

This time around I was secretly very disappointed not to get twins again. I tried really hard to think of this baby as boy #4 so that I wouldn't be upset when I found out, but I am. I just have this overwhelming feeling that this pregnancy is nothing special, it's just another boy.

I don't have dreams of frilly pink dresses or a special mother - daughter bond. I haven't always felt that girls are closer to their mothers or anything. I just always wanted a mixed gender family. If I had a girl and she was tomboy or whatever, great! I don't care. I feel like I have missed out on giving a different dimension to our family and giving my boys the experience of a sister and my DH the experience of a daughter.

OP posts:

ChippingInToThePumpkinLantern · 18/10/2011 19:21

YANBU to feel how you feel. I can understand you wanting a DD and being very disappointed not to be having one this time and even more so if it's the last planned one (now anyway ).

I am sure in time you will get used to the idea and when he arrives you will wonder how you could have ever though 'he was just another boy'. He will be x and you wont be able to imagine life without him.

Hugs for now though, when you are feeling sad :(

helpmabob · 18/10/2011 19:26

Once he is born and the tiny bundle is delivered into your arms you will feel fine, I am sure and wonder how you ever felt this way. I know someone with 4 boys and she dotes on the youngest, he is a completely different personality and the spoilt (in a lovely way) baby of the family. Just focus on the deliciousness of your soon to be newborn. This will pass.

FunnyHaHaPeculiar · 18/10/2011 19:30

what a start to a little life, being a disappointment :(

Heavensmells · 18/10/2011 19:33

YANBU you can't help the way you feel

I have one of each and am currently pregnant with ds2. I think of this baby as extra special as like you I know that he is my last. You won't always feel like you do and as soon as your son comes these feelings will be a distant memory!

ScaredBear · 18/10/2011 19:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Perriwinkle · 18/10/2011 19:35

Please don't tell me that you're coming onto a board called "Am I Being Unreasonable" with a question like this and are then going to get all offended and indignant when people say you're being pathetic.

Not pathetic to be disappointed (that's a personal thing ultimately) but pathetic to reveal that you are on a board like this.

I bet you'll end up having more children in the hope you'll get what you want.

It's sad but I guess some women just have that urge.

patindahat · 18/10/2011 19:39

My mother who was 95 when she died used to say every child is sent for a purpose.

carabos · 18/10/2011 19:41

In years to come when you sit with your four grown sons around you, you will be overwhelmed with pride. Your DS4 will make up for any disappointment you feel now by being extra special. I'll bet he turns out to be your favourite very dear to you in time.

Inflames · 18/10/2011 19:42

YABU - but can see you also maybe need some support and help to look at the bigger picture. As someone who will never have more than Baby number 1 - I'm not best placed to provide neutral or empathic advice but you'll get and have got some great advice.

You're having Baby Number 4 - that's an amazing blessing, no matter what the gender.

Good luck and congrats.

LemonDifficult · 18/10/2011 19:44

^I remember vividly my just pregnant SIL saying "oh I hope its NOT a boy, I don't want a boy! We just want another girl".
4 years later, I do feel sorry for her (lovely) son. The words were said by her in public, they can never be unsaid.^

Hmmmm. What on earth difference do the words make if she now loves her son?! What kind of 'public' is she speaking to that keeps tabs on this type of stuff anyway?

Can't believe people are saying OP is 'pathetic'. Not 'pathetic' just honest.

It's fine to feel like this, OP, just ignore everyone who's extrapolating this pregnancy feeling into you rejecting your 'poor' DS4. Poor, my arse, he'll have a loving family and 3 older DSs to teach him all he needs to know.

lovechoc · 18/10/2011 19:50

YABU - you can't miss what you've never had!! Be grateful for having four sons, at least you don't have four weddings to pay for in the future if they all choose to get married.

exaspomum · 18/10/2011 19:50

Of course you're disappointed, as this isn't what you'd hoped for. You have a lot on your plate. Be kind to yourself, give yourself a bit of time. You love all your other children and will love DS4 just as much.

lovechoc · 18/10/2011 19:52

agrees with perriwinkle

HalfTermHero · 18/10/2011 20:01

Aw, you can't help how you feel so no, yanbu. You were not expecting to feel this way and it has oviously caught you off guard.

I kind of think that if someone is really quite set on one gender it might be best to wait till the birth to find out what you are getting. Once a baby arrives it is very likely that mum will instantly adore it and all thoughts of upset and 'nothing special' will vanish in an instant. Take some time to get used to the idea of another boy. You will feel better about it in a few weeks I am sure.

I have 3 dds and am expecting dc4. I would love another girl! When I think of how gorgeous and beautiful my existing three were as newborns I think it would be amazing to do it all again. Plus I can use my favourite little girl outfits again. Equally a boy would be different and a new experience so I don't mind either way which I get really.

gegs73 · 18/10/2011 20:07

YANBU to feel as you do. I know alot of people who have admitted they were disappointed when they found out they were having another baby of the same sex. Its good that you found out now rather than waiting for him to be born so you can get excited before he arrives. 4 boys is a brilliant thing, something to be really proud of. Girls can be really boyish, or boys girly so you wouldn't necessarily have got exactly what you wanted anyway. I wish you all the best.

Perriwinkle · 20/10/2011 20:41

Sorry but these feelings are shallow and self indulgant.

They might very well be honest, and quite possibly are but in the big scheme of things, when some people can't even have one child, they are pretty pathetic.

If these people are so bothered and hung up on this issue why don't they do a Victoria Beckham and pay to conceive a designer baby of the gender of thier choice? It would save them all that stress and having to drag out the "poor old" me act every time.

ItCouldBeWorse · 20/10/2011 20:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Perriwinkle · 20/10/2011 20:52

A friend of mine has 4 boys. She said that she'd hoped for a girl with numbers 2 and 3 but when she got to 4 (which was to be her last child) she no longer hoped for a girl.

She felt that a girl at that point would have unbalanced the family and that another boy was the best outcome so that they could concentrate solely on being a male dominated family, all boys wanting to do the same things etc.

I always think that if you have one girl with a lot of boys, or one boy with a lot of girls, it leads to focussing on one being "special" and to him/her being fussed over and treated differently and ultimatley to favouritism.

In any case, count yourself lucky - I'd far rather have 4 boys than 4 girls! Girls are very hard work and far more of a trial in my view - and when they get to secondary school age the whole "girl scene" is a complete and utter nightmare!!

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