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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to drop children from DS's party invitation list if they didn't invite him to their party?

61 replies

Plodder · 16/10/2011 16:39

Am gutted for DS (6 but nearly 7) - there have been at least 3 birthday parties recently where kids he considers friends didn't invite him. he hasn't really noticed but I'm devestated, ungrateful little sods. Angry
They were all invited to his party last year...
His party is coming up - don't want to invite the so-called friends... AIBU???
(think I can get away with the "inviting a v small number of kids to go do something" approach so he doesn't realise...) Not sure that makes it any more reasonable...!

OP posts:
skybluepearl · 16/10/2011 23:30

Have a smaller party and just invite his closest friends anyway. Less hasstle

hester · 17/10/2011 09:02

Sparkle, I was that child too and I truly understand the urge to micro-manage your dc's friendships to make them more popular. dd has just entered Y1, and the time and energy I have put in over the last 12 months to try to encourage her friendships has been quite impressive. I have endured 'mummy comes too' playdates where nobody gelled, I have had bored children at my house because the mums wanted to be friends and so tried to get the dc to be friends too, I have wailed, "But WHY don't you like little Phoebe/Matilda, she's a lovely girl!" to a dd who resolutely refuses to see the kid's charms... Grin

dd's closest friend now is the kid who kept whacking her a year ago, so was never invited round to play. And the children invited to her party this year are almost completely different from those invited last year. Their friendships are so transient at this stage, I think that has to be acceptable.

Pagwatch · 17/10/2011 09:11

No. Yabu and whilst it is understandable to be defensive and protective about your child, you will do more harm to his confidence than if you let it go.
Think about it, you are teaching him to take it personally.

Dd invites the whole class every year. But we talk about when other kids have smaller parties and how difficult it must be to limit numbers. She knows that she would be torn between inviting one child and another so she gets that sometimes she might be on the cusp of an invite but if numbers are limited.....

It is self defeating. Make your child understand instead how a child may have 14 friends he really likes but his mum says 8 is maximum.
Who wants to make their child chippy?

mumeeee · 17/10/2011 09:19

YABU you don't invite to get an invite back. When my DD's were having parties they were often invited to parties of children who hadn't been invited to theirs and vice- versa.

porcamiseria · 17/10/2011 09:51

yup YANBU, trim the little fuckers

Original poster
Plodder · 17/10/2011 11:49

Talking to DH yesterday... realised that the real title of the thread should have been "AIBU to worry about my child appearing to lose all his friends?"

He seems a very chatty sociable kid whenever I see him with other children but there are some warning signs:

  • he says he now plays on his own most break times, playing "imagination games"
  • he also says he doesn't have many friends and unprompted, he can't think of more than 4 kids to invite to his party - which is fine (and economical!) but is a big change from last year
  • worse... two of the kids are on the list largely because DS thinks they will be nicer to him as a result
  • he's very sensitive about what the other kids say about him
  • he seems to prefer being with older kids or adults eg his 5 years older sister and cousins

The party thing might just be a symptom of his being more of a loner and drifting to the fringes of all the friendship groups in class.

He does seem a little sad about the friendship situation but has become very absorbed in his own games (he even plays card games on his own at home) so has managed to insulate himself from it a bit.

My heart breaks for him... projection perhaps as I moved school a lot and was therefore alone a lot too. Maybe I shouldn't worry until it really starts to upset him??

OP posts:
Hardgoing · 17/10/2011 12:13

Do you think it's possible that his friendship group has just got smaller but firmer? My dd (nearly 8) was pretty much friends with everyone when she was 5/6, but now she has a few firm friends, I think most children have solidified (probably wrong word!) into groups of just a few friends by this point. She still plays with the other children but she definitely has a few best friends. And, you can't go on being friends with all the other children all the time forever, it's a sign of maturity to like some more than others.

I'm not saying this is the case, perhaps he's becoming a loner but to me a loner is a child with no friends, not a child with two or three good friends. You could have a chat with his teacher and see if she/he thinks there are any issues at breaktime or if he needs help with friendships, if he/she doesn't, then it may be your own fear of not having friends which is driving this perhaps.

Hardgoing · 17/10/2011 12:15

And, as for the party thing, YABU. Don't try to manage his friendships or exclude as they didn't include him. I don't even know what other parties go in my children's classes if they are not invited, the fact that you are monitoring these perceived 'slights' is a bit too much in the first place. I tell mine to invite their closest friends at that time point, otherwise their small parties would be full of children who had whole class parties but they are not good friends with!

cafegiardino · 17/10/2011 12:23

I dont think you are being unreasonable. However with regards to your comments today I would let him decide who he wants to invite.

A lot of the mum comments on here say they let their children decide who to invite. However in my experience, the moms have a major influence on who their children invite. Perhaps it's the school my DC's go to!!.

My older child who is 10 has been told on more than one occasion by other children (parents in a clique), that they could not invite her because their mom's said so. I am not in any cliques but do chat and am friendly to the other moms.

Recently a child told my DD that they will ask their mom if they can invite her to their upcoming birthday party. The other child said "my mom doesn't speak to your mom so not sure if you will be able to come".

My DD has friends so does not let it bother her (well sometimes it does).

My other child has received invites from children whose parents I chat to who he does not play with but a couple he does play with and has done for two years, not invited to their parties, and these parents I dont chat with!!

exoticfruits · 17/10/2011 16:48

Much the best thing not to get involved-let them sort out their own friendships. They must be very young if the mother is having who she wants-it won't last.
It all seems so difficult these days-luckily mine are older. They just had small parties-they invited who they wanted. They got invitations and they went, I have no idea who had parties that they didn't get invited to.
At 5yrs and younger I hated parties, so I would have been pleased not to be invited!

DorisIsTheDarkDestroyer · 17/10/2011 20:15

I think I would be having a word with the class teacher to ensure that he is not being ignored at break time and consquently socially isolated ,a nd so HAVING to play imagination games on his own. DD plays imagination games but always with others.

Teachers should and can help with this sort of stuff as it is within school time.

tbh with your update I think the party situation is the result of a much bigger problem.

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