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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to drop children from DS's party invitation list if they didn't invite him to their party?

61 replies

Plodder · 16/10/2011 16:39

Am gutted for DS (6 but nearly 7) - there have been at least 3 birthday parties recently where kids he considers friends didn't invite him. he hasn't really noticed but I'm devestated, ungrateful little sods.
They were all invited to his party last year...
His party is coming up - don't want to invite the so-called friends... AIBU???
(think I can get away with the "inviting a v small number of kids to go do something" approach so he doesn't realise...) Not sure that makes it any more reasonable...!

OP posts:

paddingtonbear1 · 16/10/2011 19:20

If I'd done this, it would have ruled out the whole class, as dd hasn't been invited to any parties! We did a small 'do' and invited our closest friend's children (who go to different schools), and a couple from dd's class.

pink4ever · 16/10/2011 19:23

I am going against the grain here-yanbu imo. This really pisses me off as I think its plain rude not to reciprocate the invitation. My ds rarely gets invited to parties-he is simply not in the popular gang at school. But he has chosen to invite a couple of them to his parties. The parents have never had the grace to reciprocate.

I also invite a couple of kids he has known since nursery as mums are still my friends and they do the same. Kids may not always play together now as getting to the age where there are distinct social groups but they still enjoy the parties together.

Yes I know you cant force kids to play together but I think its good to teach them manners.

MrsRobertDuvall · 16/10/2011 19:28

Yabu.
I have only ever had small parties for dcs inviting only close friends ie those who came home for tea, parents I knew.
So never any more than 5 or 6 children.
I hate all class parties...why would you want your child to get 30 presents?
It's the parents who cause the problems about reciprocal invites.

SE13Mummy · 16/10/2011 19:42

DD1 is the same age, nearly 7, and has been asked to write a list of up to 9 friends to invite.

She has chosen 9 of whom 1 is a friend whose party/birthday treat she wasn't invited to, there are 2 whose party she missed last year as we were on holiday but she's been to the birthday parties of 3 other classmates that she hasn't invited. Her reason? "They are my friends Mummy but not the people I really play with at school and I want to choose my actual friends for my party".

It's her party so the 9 she has invited are the 9 she has chosen. It doesn't mean she isn't friends with the other 3, just that they are not her closest friends.

So, I think YABU.

BobMarley · 16/10/2011 19:51

YABU, it is childish. Personally I wouldn't particularly remember whose parties my children have been to, nor do I particularly care. And my children decide for themselves who they want to invite. I don't get involved and I've never had any parents making a problem out of this - although I probably wouldn't even notice if they did. It is just so not important.

Phwooooar · 16/10/2011 19:53

YABU. For DS party we can only invite 14 friends due to space so have left it up to him who to invite. Not my choice - 1 of them didn't invite him to theirs - but this is children - not politics!

BuntyCollocks · 16/10/2011 20:15

YANBU. this happened to me as a kid: he'll have noticed and is probably as upset as you.

exoticfruits · 16/10/2011 20:25

How nice to have a sane person MrsRobertDuvall-I can't imagine what you would do with 30presents-it is way OTT and I doubt whether the birthday DC even enjoys it. Just have a few real friends and a personal party and don't bother about return invitations.

wotestreetwilly · 16/10/2011 20:29

yabu.

I'm inviting everyone from DS's class to his birthday party (reception class, not sure of his freindship groups, have hired a hall anyway, possibly lost my marbles) but I don't expect for him to be invited to all of their parties.

LizzieMo · 16/10/2011 20:29

YANBU- parties can be expensive, and I am not impressed when parents are quite happy to constantly accept my child's (therefore my) hospitality, but do not invite her back to theirs. My DD does notice- when someone has a stash of envelopes and is giving them out at school it is hard not to notice that you have not been given one. I would invite them once- if they do not invite back then I would not bother again. Sorry if that is mean then so be it!!!

mercibucket · 16/10/2011 20:36

don't know if yabu or not but I'd be tempted to do the same. ds has a group of 4 friends who play together all the time, he invites them and only them to his party, he gets invites back from 3 of them. the fourth one has never invited him back but instead invites the other 3. it pisses me off. up to him who he invites but I wish my ds could see that the friendship is obv a bit one-sided. i also would not let my ds do this.
i also 'gently encourage' my children to invite back those who have invited them to parties - it's only polite to do so unless you really are having a few friends only. mine always remember themselves who invited them and add them to the list. I wouldn't make them, if they'd fallen out in the meantime, but I don't see any harm in teaching children to be aware of other people's feelings

MissBetsyTrotwood · 16/10/2011 20:47

I think YABU but I understand where you're coming from.

However... not to invite them satisfies your need, not his. Step away from the complicated, forever changing social dynamics of 6 and 7 yo boys and let him decide.

SolidGoldVampireBat · 16/10/2011 21:36

Bear in mind that sometimes not being invited is due to incompetence not malice. TO my utter [hblush] I managed to only invite one twin to DS' birthday party - the school has a policy of putting twins in separate classes and I didn't actually know that this child was one of twins. Also DS garbled some of the names he told me and I think he had actually meant to invite both of them - but I did realise my mistake and apologise to the mother who said not to worry, as they were in different classes it did happen sometimes anyway.

TheBestWitch · 16/10/2011 21:52

YABU. Your ds will have a better time if you let him choose however many of his best friends to his party regardless of whether he went to theirs.
When he's old enough to be bothered he will likely not invite them but if he's not bothered why are you?

hester · 16/10/2011 22:01

But if everyone reciprocated all invitations, how would parties evolve to reflect children's changing friendships? You'd end up with Y6 parties only attended by the friends you had in Reception [confused)

cat64 · 16/10/2011 22:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Sevenfoldedbloodybodies · 16/10/2011 22:07

yanbu

lisaleelu · 16/10/2011 22:12

Only read OP but I actaully think the whole kids party scene is ridiculous, I mean my son is 4 and getting invited to a few parties (not many as we dont 'do' parties) that must be costing hundreds of pounds - all have entertainment. My son actaully can't cope with paties clings to my legs and only just starts to come round as it is time to go.
If i were you i would sack off the whole party thing and ask a couple of close friend round for a tea party.

grumpypants · 16/10/2011 22:16

I don't hink yabu to think this, but tbh you can't really meddle with The List. He'll be happier wih an uncomplicated choice of friends. I have given up reciprocating every invitation, it never evens out, and end up with me fillinh half the places with kids the dcs no longer play with. Its a celebration of a birthday; let him do it with his mates.

lesley33 · 16/10/2011 22:18

I think you are getting too emotionally involved in your DS friendships tbh.

Papermate · 16/10/2011 22:23

When it has happened to my children, I have told myself I won't stoop to the level of the person who wrote the invite. Obviously there are times when a party is small and you can't invite everyone, but when it's a large party, I feel it's unkind.

sparkle12mar08 · 16/10/2011 22:25

I made the mistake of doing a whole class art party for my son, thinking it would encourage some friendships, and yes, maybe make him a bit more popular. It never works and there's no way in hell I'll spend that kind of money ever again. We had 6 return invites. I hate the party circuit politics, and I feel very nervous for my sons friendships in general, he doesn't seem to be part of the 'in crowd' nor does he have any really close best friends it would seem. I just want him to be liked. Surely everbody wants that for their children? Ach, I'm projecting, that was me at school and I remember how bloody lonely it was at times :(

grumpypants · 16/10/2011 22:29

Sparkle - I think that was a lot of us at school. Its so natural to want to 'avenge' our dcs, but I think maybe they find their feet. I spent ages trying to encourage one of the dcs to make more friennds, only to realise he didn't want to at all. [Grin]

MowlemB · 16/10/2011 23:14

TBh, you sound a bit petty worrying about it when your child is not.

The number of children my child is able to invite varies each year depending on the activity (and cost) she has chosen. Some years she might invite 20+ children, other years it could only be 5 or 6.

This year, she is able to invite 9 school friends for her chosen activity. If she had been allowed to invite 15, I know there are another 6 girls that she would happily invite, girls that she plays with and that she considers to be her friends (insofar as 7 year olds have friends - she is still very fickle). Likewise she knows that she has friends that may invite her to some parties but not to others, depending on the numbers they have available.

Further, the children who she plays with changes all the time. Last term she was friendly with certain girls, this year she is playing less with some of them and playing more with others. Just because she plays with a girl at one point in time doesn't mean that they will be that friendly when the list is drawn up.

So no, I wouldn't hold a grudge because children are difficult and surely other mums go through the same dilemmas too?

skybluepearl · 16/10/2011 23:29

When someone attends a party, you can't expect an invite back to their party. They come to your party with a gift and that is the exchange that takes place.

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