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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want our family and friends to help us?

85 replies

Knackeredmother · 16/10/2011 11:43

I genuinely don't know if I'm being unreasonable to feel like this and am getting quite bitter so value some honest opinions.
My son is nearly 2 and has had over 25 hospital admissions. He gets respiratory distress with every cold and is frequently blue lighted in for Oxygen/Nebs/antibiotics. He's needed lumbar punctures in the past and gets really sick. I have another child and a self employed dh whose business is sinking from all the time off he needs.
Being in hospital is so draining and emotionally exhausting and I get about 1 hour sleep a night due to the usual alarms, hourly meds etc. I do hospital alone as my husband needs to work/ look after my dd.
We have ironing up to the ceiling, we don't eat properly, the dog rarely gets a proper walk, the house is a tip and we are sinking.
We have both lost our mums and my dad lives in Scotland. My dh family live within 5 miles and never, ever help us. Friends used to offer to help but when I'd say can you walk the dog, get some shopping there would be some excuse.
Now I know people have their own lives and children and don't have the time to help us regularly. People were good the first admission but since then it's become normal for us to be in hospital.
I do tell people we are struggling but I'm so conscious I just sound like I'm moaning. The hospital ask every time about 'support' but how can they help- come and walk the dog?
We pay for as much as we can afford, cleaner etc but I just want someone to knock at the door with some bread and milk or a lasagne! I'm starting to cut off family and friends because I'm so bitter so really need some perspective.
I'm also trying to hold down a professional job with very unsympathetic managers (phoned from the ambulance on thur to say I couldn't make
My nightshift and was told tough, leave him with the nurses)
And before anyone says it I'm not depressed just struggling to cope in a really difficult situation without any support.
So AIBU to feel pissed off at our family and friends?
A bit long sorry .......

OP posts:

KittyWalker · 16/10/2011 21:07

I would also be happy to help you I am in the south west, Wiltshire. It's probably already been suggested but have you contacted Homestart?

MsWetherwax · 16/10/2011 21:07

I too would be happy to help if you're in Kent or thereabouts? If its any consolation, as a child I was forever in and out of hospital with asthma and chest infections, but it did eventually get better. I still have inhalers, but it is much better controlled now. Do let me know if there is anything I can do to help.x

skybluepearl · 16/10/2011 21:15

Can you be very honest and tell friends and family how you are struggling? If they offer to help, whip your diary out and suggest a specific day next week.

golemmings · 16/10/2011 22:00

It might be worth talking to macmillan nurses too. They don't just deal with cancer patients but have a really good handle on what you might be entitled to in terms of benefits etc. My mum is a respiratory patient - has been forever - but after a nasty episode recently in which she was admitted, the ward manager has put macmillan onto her case to try to sort out more support for her and dad.

We have tried but when mum is ok they won't listen to us and when she's poorly its more than they can cope with.

onepieceofcremeegg · 16/10/2011 22:06

Do you feel able to post roughly where you are in the country (or if someone lives near to you and has posted their location on the thread offering help then pm them)

Sounds very stressful. And I bet time for you is non-existent/last on the list.

Glad you had a bit of fun today. wishing you a good night's rest.

Original poster

Knackeredmother · 18/10/2011 10:48

I am sorry it has taken so long to reply properly.
I have had a proper read of your replies with a clear head and I am so grateful.
I am really, really reluctant to involve social services - I have experience through my job and isn't something I want for my family however wrong that may be. We do a lot of 'attachment' parenting and that is something sw do not seem to get. I have seen young girls at sure start be forced into controlled crying as the sw did not approve of co-sleeping. I've also seen referrals made by gps as mothers are still breastfeeding 3 year olds. I do all of these!!! Anyway, my personal experience, rant over, but explains why I don't want to go down that route!!!!!
The practical suggestions have been great, The Cinammon trust sounds really promising. We do have a local teenager to walk the dog when we are on holiday but he charges £8 per half hour walk! We are being ripped off so I am going to look for someone else!
We also have a nanny who despite knowing our situation, and having it in her contract to do children's ironing and rooms, does not do this. I'm going to have a meeting with her to discuss her role and spell out what we need otherwise we will need to employ someone who can do these things.
I did have the chat with my family, as many of you suggested I do. However my dad , although in good health and retired, did not offer any help but to be fair he does live a 6 hour drive away. My husband refuses to ask his family.
I did chat with a friend, who came round for a couple of hours to help with whatever was needed. She said that although she realised we were having a rough time I never look depressed or like I'm struggling - so perhaps thats the image I give out?
I suppose we are coping but life would just be so much easier if people even just acknowledged how rough it is for us. It has been really helpful hearing from others who have been in the same situation, thankyou for sharing your stories.
To those who have offered to help - I am truly overwhelmed and touched - what an amazing thing to offer. Its a real weakness but I would feel embarrased accepting your kind offers- and you would see the state of my house for a start!!!!!!!
I actually feel a lot better, and my son seems to be improving from this episode which helps. I also phoned my 'big boss' who was horrified at how I was treated at work, and I suggested lots of solutions to my inevitable absences (such as me working on my days off to make time up etc) and we are going to meet to find a workable solution.
So thankyou all for taking the time to reply to me, it really has made a difference.

OP posts:

chicletteeth · 18/10/2011 10:59

KM where are you? I will help you if you live in/near St. Albans. I have a lot of time on my hands and would gladly help you if you needed it.
Walk the dog for you for free at least (although I can't cook you a hot meal since I don't actually have a kitchen)
An unmumsnetty hug for you; you need it.

[hsmile]

Dozer · 18/10/2011 11:08

No-one would care about the state of the house OP!

MilkNoSugarPlease · 18/10/2011 11:12

If your in London, then I'd happily walk the dog or do some ironing etc :)

Dozer · 18/10/2011 11:15

Glad to hear ds doing better and hope things look up soon. Do say if you're near epsom in surrey!

It sounds like you may need to be more assertive, eg with your nanny, the teenager and DP (eg his refusal to seek help from family, unless they're totally useless in every way he seems to be being unreasonable about it).

More ideas, increase your nanny's duties (for no more money) and / or get someone more helpful.

Your DP should help with all this, as a doctor your potential earnings (now and in future) are good and it'd be good to stay in employment if you can.

porcamiseria · 18/10/2011 11:24

OH OP! my heart so goes out to you. Tough times

I dont blame you for feeling like this. How can you be friends when you feel so unsupported?

I really really get why you feel bitter, people talk the talk but they dont walk the walk do they

No more fucking about, just tell them

"How are you?
shit
oh, why?
cos we cant cope and noone fucking helps us. end of

by their response you will see who is shit and who can help
but YANBY for feeling bitter, I would feel same too

sending you lots of love and hope your boy gets through this

porcamiseria · 18/10/2011 11:26

and as for the Nanny . you need to have a word, dont hold back and if she canht do what you need get rid
glad you feel better and keep telling people how hard things are

anewyear · 18/10/2011 14:20

Yep Id tell the nanny to pull her socks up too, I take it she understands how life is for you?
I am nr St Albans/Hemel/Dunstable, sort of in the middle of all 3, I too could help out before 3pm, unfortunatly not after as then I have to pick my Childminded kids up from school.

Blondeshavemorefun · 19/10/2011 14:09

my heart goes out to you all - its tough being a working mother, let alone when your dc are ill as well :(

as i was reading i thought you were struggling to do this on your own, but seems you have a nanny - who isnt pulling her weight :(

she needs a kick up the bum

def ask about sure start and cinnamon trust is helpful :)

greenandblacks list and advice is what i would also say

certain things dont matter - can be left - like ironing

TELL your friends, you need help with meal making/hoovering/dog walking/shopping etc , as they are not mind readers - and sure they will rush to help you

you are showing them that you dont need help as 'appearing' to cope - so ask for help x

ChippingInToThePumpkinLantern · 19/10/2011 14:25

Bloody hell - I never would have guessed you have a nanny. Get a new one. Clearly this one is just not up to the job. Unless you have 8 kids and not just the two in your OP, your nanny should be able to make sure you have milk in the fridge, a lasagne in the oven and that you don't have an ironing pile. If you accept that DD might not go to lots of toddler groups etc and may have a more standard SAHP kind of lifestyle I'd be making sure the nanny was paid well enough to be a third parent/adult in the house here and be doing what is needed. Is she live in or not?

Frankly, given the situation she does not seem to be pulling her weight and unless the kids would be completely distraught if she left I'd be looking for someone with a completely different approach to it.

ChippingInToThePumpkinLantern · 19/10/2011 14:27

Honestly, if I was your nanny and you weren't expecting me to take DD/DS to a couple of groups a day, I would be disgusted with myself that you were feeling like this. Other disclaimer - unless she spends an awful lot of time being pinned to the settee with a poorly DS - then she's forgiven and I take back my rant!

mollymole · 19/10/2011 14:58

Bloody Hell - ditch the nanny and maybe get one who will do the job, but do bear in mind that it is a nanny job to take care of the children (their cooking, laundry etc) and not to run the household. It seems to me that you need a 'home help, with childcare' not a nanny

ChippingInToThePumpkinLantern · 19/10/2011 15:29

Molly - many a good nanny will step in and do what is needed to keep a family going. Some nannies will only do 'child' related things, but not all and certainly not most in these circumstances. I'm all for a nanny looking after the children and not doing heavy cleaning etc, but when a child is sick, the family is tipped upside down and the mum is feeling like this - it's a pretty shit nanny who would say 'it's not my job to make a lasagne, buy a pint of milk, run the hoover around' etc and for that reason, the fact that she could stand by and watch the family fall apart - she'd no longer be a nanny in my house.

However, as I said before, if she is also being run ragged by the situation then they all need more help.

lesley33 · 19/10/2011 15:37

YANBU. But ime people are happy to help out for a short time if there is an emergency for example. But when things are ongoing, people do tend to drop by the wayside.

lesley33 · 19/10/2011 15:39

Just to say as you have a nanny, friends may be thinking well she has a nanny who can help - I've got lots of stuff to deal with without any help.

dickiedavisthunderthighs · 19/10/2011 15:55

I used to be a nanny. I looked after the children, cooked their meals and froze extras (spag bol, soup, lasagne etc), did their washing and ironing (happy to do the adults' washing within reason as well), tidied the children's rooms and any other bits and bobs that needed doing like sewing name tags and so forth.
That is standard nanny work. If your nanny isn't doing that, then either make sure she does or kick her to the kerb; she's taking the piss and it's even worse when she must be witnessing every day the struggle you're going through.
:(

ssd · 19/10/2011 15:59

op, your friends may see you with a nanny and think she gets enough help

maybe they dont know the real situation

though if you have a full time nanny I'm a bit surprised things have got so bad, is she doing enough?

ssd · 19/10/2011 16:03

just read your last post, I think you really need to speak to your nanny and give her say, 2 wks to improve, if she doesnt she's out

you need help here and you're probably paying her well for not doing too much, you dont desreve this

ssd · 19/10/2011 16:04

also are you still breastfeeding a 3 yr old?

if you are you have done great, but maybe think about giving up now and get a bit of time to yourself even just to sit and stare at a wall!

Balsam · 19/10/2011 16:49

If you have a nanny and a cleaner, there's your problem. People think you don't need help. Also, being a doctor means people will, rightly or wrongly, think you are loaded and again, don't need any help.

If you can afford it, throw money at some of your problems. Get the cleaner in more often. Pay someone to walk the dog and do the ironing. Engage the nanny full-time.

Try to identify exactly what help you need. Literally write it down as a list, then take each thing in turn and see what can be done.

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