To Think that 11 year olds party was totally unacceptable?

[LittleJennyRobyn]

My DD and her best friend were invited to a Birthday party of another friend who lives just up the road on friday evening.
Party also involved a sleepover for both girls and another school friend of party girl. so 4 in total.
DD is 8 and Best friend is 9. Party girl just turned 11.
There were 10 children there in total, (boys and girls) the oldest boy being 12 Who is in senior school the rest still in primary/junior school. DD being the youngest.

I was a bit on finding out at what had gone on at the party.
Early on the girls mum had arranged karaoke for the girls but locked the boys in the back garden and wouldn't let them in!! They had to climb over the wall and knock on the front door to get back in

Then after a short while she went out leaving 10 kids in the care of party girls brother, He is 13.
Basically the kids started to run riot mainly instigated by the boys, food and drink was thrown all over the house, DD slipped on the wet wooden floor and banged her head!! In which the others just laughed at her.

The boys apparently were rampaging through the house including the bedrooms. they took all my DDs things from her overnight bag and absolutely destroyed her slippers (which i had just bought) they came back ripped and the ribbons and pom poms pulled off.
The mum did not return until the party ended at 8.30 just in time for other kids to be picked up.

As soon as party was over Sleepover girls were sent to sleep, (in living room)
But after 10 mins or so got told off for chatting so sent the two oldest girls up to the bedroom and left DD and best friend in the living room. DD was on the sofa and BF was on the floor. I then find out that neither DD or BF had been giving pillows or blankets as party mum did not have any spare. The older two had quilts and pillows. They each had one of those really small decorative cushions that aren't really cushions as such.

BF complained that she was cold so party girl gave her a towel from the bathroom but had been used and was still wet. In the end they both had to use thier dressing gowns to try and keep warm. I must add that friday night was bitterly cold here and we woke up to the cars being frozen up on saturday.
Then to top it all off Party mum went out at appox 9 am and didn't return until 1.30pm leaving the girls to fend for themselves. I'd seen that the car wasn't in the drive when i passed at 9, but assumed that mums boyfriend was there, but no.. they'd both gone shopping!
The Girls weren't given any breakfast so were starving when they came home at 1.30pm
Needless to say both DD and BF didnt get much sleep and i am fucking annoyed at the whole bloody thing.

Now they should never ever have been left unnatended, anything could have happened and also i dont really understand if she didn't have enough bedding then why did she not request they bring thier own or even send the girls back to get it. instead of leaving them without
Now i honestly didn't give this a thought as with previous Sleepovers with any of the DC's, Parents will tell them if they need to bring, sleeping bags pillows etc. And as no requests were made assumed they didn't need it.

If i had have known of the situation would have collected both girls there and then.
Sometimes DD can stretch the truth but both her and BF told me exactly the same so i know this is what happened.

AIBU to say something to party girls mum? I have never actually spoken to her before although i have tried to strike up a conversation before but was totally blanked....she is a bit stuck up.

I let DD go as she and the party girl are quite good friends and she has spent quite a bit of time over at thier house

I'm not sure that it would achieve anything to say something TBH but i am so fucking annoyed at this woman, or do i just stop DD from going to thier house in future?
Although i have no issues with DD still being friends with party girl, not sure i feel comfortable with her going to the house....bearing in mind DD is only 8.

why didnt child come home at 9 when mum left, and not stay there till afternoon if she was that cold and starving

Chalk it up to experience, learn the lessons and move on.

I still dont understand why your dd didnt come home in the morning. It's a very long time for her to stay there till 1.30 after a sleepover.

Sorry keep losing internet connection so not been able to read responses and reply.
Worra, The Mum was expecting to have DD and her friend, i was going to go over and ok it with her after DD had asked me earlier on in the week, but she sent her DD over to let me know That "mum said it was ok for DD to stay"

I Just agreed there and then And i know that this was unreasonable of me not to double check.

Yes my first impression of her was she came across as being stuck up, after overhearing conversations in the playground from her to others. Then blanking me as she did, I felt she was looking down her nose at me....but yes of course she could have been just shy and i gave her the benefit of the doubt when she welcomed my DD after they became friends. I was ready to change my opinion of her. So maybe that was a bit unreasonable of me to judge.

Thankyou to all those that have given me really great advice

To anybody else you can throw whatever you like at me i have admitted i made a huge error of judgement and i wont ever let this happen again because i cant feel any more shit than i already do.
Theres nothing more i can do other than i hold my hands up and say i fucked up big time

Like i said earlier if i say anything it's not going to achieve anything so theres no point and mark it down to a bad experience. Lesson learned, move on!
DD wont be going over to the house again,

Thanks again!!!

Re the mobile phone and not wanting your 8yr old to have her own just yet.

I think it's a good idea for every family to have a 'family mobile'...just an old pay as you go brick will do.

That way, no-one actually owns it but they can take it if they're staying out or are likely to be out of contact for a while.

Just make sure family contact numbers are stored in it so they're not tempted to waste the credit by phoning friends for a chat!

Op in future i would just let the other girls sleep at yours. My dd has a friend which i would have here but not allow my dd to sleep there

I have a vodaphone £10 contract phone. I then put a family £5 bolt on on and 4 vodaphone numbers can ring each other as much as thet want in a month. DD's can ring me, dad and each other IYSWIM. There phones were £10 each. Thats all they need.

I think 02 do the same sort of thing

OP, I totally understand how this would happen, I think when someone is a neighbour, and your children are in and out of each others houses, you can feel you know the parents even if you dont (iyswim). Easy to make an error of judgment in that situation. I think you just have to think of it as lesson learned, and thankfully no harm came to DD or her BF (other than a bit of a cold, miserable evening). We all make mistakes.

Maybe you should let DD's BF have a sleepover at yours, just the two of them, to make up for it? :)

Oh, and in answer to the original question, I prob wouldnt bother speaking to the mum, unless she approaches you about it. Just dont let your DD round there again.

I'm appalled at the behaviour of parent hosting party. Whatever age group you invite round, you are the host and they are the guest. You do not go out and leave them to it. By God's grace all went relatively well, despite what I consider sheer negligence. If it hadn't, a big can of worms would have opened as a result of the youngster's age.

OP - Don't leave your daughter there again. You know the score now. Some people's parenting skills are so sadly lacking.

My DD went for a sleepover/party at her friends house...I knew the mother,had had cups of coffee together etc.
The mother went out ,left the kids on their own, a big argument ensued.
I got a call from one of the girls to tell me my DD had walked out of the party. I was frantic as I couldn't contact her...she'd left all her things/phone at the party. Finally found her walking home with no shoes on (in Feb). Was Furious with the mother who was only put out that her house had been trashed (served her right).
Moral of the story...you cant always get it right.
I wouldn't bother speaking to the mother as people who act like this rarely see the error of their ways.

You should of checked the arrangements with the mum

Made clear your expectations of what is going to be going on and followed up with a phone call to your dd on the ladys house phone so

A - you know that they are actually at the house
B- you know the mum is their

My dd would not be staying at a families house that I don't know very well

I am afraid the mum is a bit shit but probaley always been so but its your job op to make sure the people who are left in charge of our dd are going to keep her safe

I think you're going to have to chalk this up to experience. My child- nearly 6- had a playdate recently with someone I didn't know at all and I dropped my child at her house and ended up staying. I don't know why, I guess I just wanted to get a feel for how she was with kids, what sort of person she was, etc. From now on, I'd let my child go there anytime but I did want to make sure he would be well looked after there.

I guess it may have been a better idea if you'd at least dropped round for a coffee the week before the party to talk things through with her, share a biscuit, get a feel for her parenting.

I think most of us would assume that someone looking after our children would be responsible ie be there the entire time supervising, ensure sufficient food, bedding, moral support, safety, etc.

Chalk it up to experience and thank God it was a cheap lesson.

Can imagine your feelings though and really feel for you.

I'd really really stop blaming yourself LittleJennyRobyn. There is no way you could have known that the mother would have treated her guests so terribly. You didn't let your dd stay at the house of a stranger, but someone she knows well, and you had no prior indication that she was in fact very neglectful.

My dd arranges sleepovers like this and has done for the last couple of years (she is 11 now) and one of her best friends is three years older, again a neighbour who enjoys having a younger sister substitute. It's not unusual to be informal if your children spend a lot of time together, and a party followed by sleepover doesn't generally involve a huge amount of organisation (for the guests anyway). If the mother was surprised that your dd hadn't brought sleepover gear then she should have rung you or sent your dd (plus friends) back to your house to pick up stuff. If she changed her mind and decided that she didn't want the children there, then again she should have picked up the phone. The adult is at fault here, not the child. Yes there is a learning experience to be had here, and I expect you and your poor dd will be vary wary in the future, have contingency plans etc but it is not IMO a lesson that you should have had to learn.

If you invite children to your house you look after them!

We have allowed the DC to go to sleepovers with people we don't know well, but the children have been friends for a while. I don't think this is so unusual, and of course we all assume that the children will be well cared for.

Don't beat yourself up about this, we all make decisions that turn out to be the wrong ones.

Look at the positives - your DD was able to come home and tell you honestly what went on. You can have a chat with her about her being allowed to phone you whenever she is unhappy or uncomfortable about a situation.

Why don't you have a word , starting casually with - 'Just checking what happened to DD's slippers, they seem to have got wrecked at the party?? Do you know how that happened??? Then see what she says. You could keep it kind of jokey at first, rolling your eyes, 'what are kids like eh' , lull her into a false sense of security.
I would then put it down to experience, but certainly not let her go again- maybe DD could play with this friend at your house instead.

I'm with hatesponge on this. Don't beat yourself up, OP, and don't bother taking this up with the other mum.