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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Think that 11 year olds party was totally unacceptable?

66 replies

LittleJennyRobyn · 16/10/2011 11:25

My DD and her best friend were invited to a Birthday party of another friend who lives just up the road on friday evening.
Party also involved a sleepover for both girls and another school friend of party girl. so 4 in total.
DD is 8 and Best friend is 9. Party girl just turned 11.
There were 10 children there in total, (boys and girls) the oldest boy being 12 Who is in senior school the rest still in primary/junior school. DD being the youngest.

I was a bit Shock on finding out at what had gone on at the party.
Early on the girls mum had arranged karaoke for the girls but locked the boys in the back garden and wouldn't let them in!! They had to climb over the wall and knock on the front door to get back in Hmm

Then after a short while she went out leaving 10 kids in the care of party girls brother, He is 13.
Basically the kids started to run riot mainly instigated by the boys, food and drink was thrown all over the house, DD slipped on the wet wooden floor and banged her head!! In which the others just laughed at her.

The boys apparently were rampaging through the house including the bedrooms. they took all my DDs things from her overnight bag and absolutely destroyed her slippers (which i had just bought) they came back ripped and the ribbons and pom poms pulled off.
The mum did not return until the party ended at 8.30 just in time for other kids to be picked up.

As soon as party was over Sleepover girls were sent to sleep, (in living room)
But after 10 mins or so got told off for chatting so sent the two oldest girls up to the bedroom and left DD and best friend in the living room. DD was on the sofa and BF was on the floor. I then find out that neither DD or BF had been giving pillows or blankets as party mum did not have any spare. The older two had quilts and pillows. They each had one of those really small decorative cushions that aren't really cushions as such.

BF complained that she was cold so party girl gave her a towel from the bathroom but had been used and was still wet. In the end they both had to use thier dressing gowns to try and keep warm. I must add that friday night was bitterly cold here and we woke up to the cars being frozen up on saturday.
Then to top it all off Party mum went out at appox 9 am and didn't return until 1.30pm leaving the girls to fend for themselves. I'd seen that the car wasn't in the drive when i passed at 9, but assumed that mums boyfriend was there, but no.. they'd both gone shopping!
The Girls weren't given any breakfast so were starving when they came home at 1.30pm
Needless to say both DD and BF didnt get much sleep and i am fucking annoyed at the whole bloody thing.

Now they should never ever have been left unnatended, anything could have happened and also i dont really understand if she didn't have enough bedding then why did she not request they bring thier own or even send the girls back to get it. instead of leaving them without
Now i honestly didn't give this a thought as with previous Sleepovers with any of the DC's, Parents will tell them if they need to bring, sleeping bags pillows etc. And as no requests were made assumed they didn't need it.

If i had have known of the situation would have collected both girls there and then.
Sometimes DD can stretch the truth but both her and BF told me exactly the same so i know this is what happened.

AIBU to say something to party girls mum? I have never actually spoken to her before although i have tried to strike up a conversation before but was totally blanked....she is a bit stuck up.

I let DD go as she and the party girl are quite good friends and she has spent quite a bit of time over at thier house

I'm not sure that it would achieve anything to say something TBH but i am so fucking annoyed at this woman, or do i just stop DD from going to thier house in future?
Although i have no issues with DD still being friends with party girl, not sure i feel comfortable with her going to the house....bearing in mind DD is only 8.

OP posts:
Original poster
LittleJennyRobyn · 16/10/2011 12:36

rainbow i admitted i fucked up big time,
But RE the mobile i meant for emergencies not all the time.

I know i cant do anything now about what has happened but i can make sure it never happens again

OP posts:
pigletmania · 16/10/2011 12:36

Their still only kids, you never ever leave kids alone in the house, when you are responsible for other children's kids. Not all kids are capable, some are very immature and would not know what to do, or how to help themselves.

pigletmania · 16/10/2011 12:37

meant other people's kids doh lack of sleep, 8/9 is still very young.

Conundrumish · 16/10/2011 12:39

'AIBU to say something to party girls mum? I have never actually spoken to her before although i have tried to strike up a conversation before but was totally blanked....she is a bit stuck up' - I think this is your error. Eight is extremely young to go to a sleepover at an unknown house if you don't know the parents at all.

Original poster
LittleJennyRobyn · 16/10/2011 12:41

ragdoll the oldest child at the sleepover was the party girl who has just turned 11, the others were 10, 9 and dd 8

Yes i know that i was Very naive in this sitution but am not usually....my head has been up my backside this week as alot of other stuff going on.

So apologise for that.

OP posts:
SaffronCake · 16/10/2011 12:44

YANBU I'm not usually one for mollycoddling kids but I am shocked and horrified by this mother's behaviour. I would not be sending DD to that house again because I would not trust the mother to provide even the most basic levels of care.

You lock pigs and chickens in outside pens, not boys.

pigletmania · 16/10/2011 12:49

I know you realise you have made a mistake, obviously you cannot do anything about it now. I have just read the bit about you trying to strike up conversation with this mum in the past but were blanked. I would never ever have let my dd go over to someones house whose parents did this to me, let alone a sleepover. Harsh lesson learned imo.

LIZS · 16/10/2011 12:54

I usually ask basic info before a sleepover, like should dd bring a pillow and sleeping bag. How come the chidlren did n't get their own breakfast , I doubt the host or siblings went hungry Hmm Do check out that what they say is entirely true before you have a go.

diddl · 16/10/2011 12:54

Back to the OP-I wouldn´t let my daughter there again & I would be doubtful that speaking to the mum would achieve anything.

Original poster
LittleJennyRobyn · 16/10/2011 13:03

I know piglet This is where i messed up.

My initial judgement of her was that she was a stuck up and not worth bothering over but when our DD's became friends she seemed very accomodating towards my DD, inviting her in, baking cakes and including her in her family time etc.

So stupidly gave her the benefit of the doubt. i thought maybe i had got her completely wrong, but know now i should have stayed with my initial judgemnet.

liz Not planning on going in all guns blazing,....i know kids can stretch the truth especailly my DD, but her Best friend told me seperately exactly the same so believe this to be true. Probably just going to put this one down to experience

Totally agree very harsh lesson learned here!

OP posts:
pigletmania · 16/10/2011 13:04

Just put it down to experience op, your dd is back in one piece and next time have more common sense with these things.

BleachedWhale · 16/10/2011 13:07

The other mother's behaviour was deeply shocking. I would NEVER leave someone else's 8 year old unattended from 9am til 1.30, even with a 13 yo present - it's not another paren'ts call to take responsibility for that.

However, I'm not sure I would say anything, what's to be gained? Just never let her go there again.

Do many 11 year olds have 8 year olds as thier best friends?

The whole set up sounds a bit odd.

Original poster
LittleJennyRobyn · 16/10/2011 13:11

bleachedwhale DD's best friend is 9 theres 6 months between them. Who was also at the sleepover
The party girl is now 11 and is a good friend

OP posts:
Original poster
LittleJennyRobyn · 16/10/2011 13:13

And there is only 2.5 years between DD and party girl, one of my BF's as a child was 2.7 years older than me

OP posts:
Laquitar · 16/10/2011 13:17

I think the most important lesson out of this is for your dd to ALWAYS call you when she is in an uncomfortable situation.

It was a bad experience but you can use it to have a long talk with your dd about calling you, about using the phone, about the strenght to say 'no, i don't like this, i'm out of here' . Play several scenarios and sort of 'role play' with your dd on how to stop the other kids ruining her stuff, how to say 'no', how to ask to leave and to call you etc with possible stupid replies from others and ways to handle it.

Don't beat yourself up but use it as an oportunity.

The positive thing is that your dd told you everything.

Fifis25StottieCakes · 16/10/2011 13:22

What the other girls mum done was very wrong but..

i would never let my dd's sleep somewhere unless i knew their parents beforehand. Mine would also have a mobile so they could contact me if they wanted to come home.

Did she ask to be brought home?

worraliberty · 16/10/2011 13:23

I can't believe you're saying this woman is stuck up because I'm reading this and thinking it looks like an episode of Shameless Shock

Seriously though OP, I can't believe you didn't send her with a phone, didn't check on her and didn't even know the Mum. Anything could have happened and the age groups from 8 to 13 are not a good mix.

Still, lesson learnt huh?

Out of interest though, if your DD was distressed by this and really hungry, why did she come home at 1.30pm and not earlier?

AnyoneButLulu · 16/10/2011 13:24

You made an error but nothing terrible happened. I'd not let your DD go over there again and leave it at that.

runningwilde · 16/10/2011 13:27

I am astounded you let your child sleep over at a house where you don't even really talk to the mum

I would tell mum exactly how annoyed you are and be more careful in future - your poor dd

SaffronCake · 16/10/2011 13:28

I agree the age gap isn't a cause for concern in it's own right. My friends daughter is 11, her BFF is almost 15 and they've been BFF's for at least 4 years that I know of. The eldest girl is very shy and sheltered and the younger is very stage-school outgoing if you know what I mean. It works fine. Neither girl is good or bad for the other, they are just little girls being friends.

That the mother hasn't been easily engaged in conversation is not a great start, but lots of people (even mothers) are shy and come off as cold when they don't mean to, so I wouldn't necessarily have stopped DD going on those grounds either.

It was a mistake yes, but not one that should somehow have been glaringly obvious at the outset. Don't judge yourself too harshly and don't let this undermine your entire judgement of every other person you know. Everyone gets it wrong some times, the important thing is not to over-react (like by mistrusting everyone and everything).

I agree with whoever said not to let it kill their friendship, invite the girl to yours instead.

worraliberty · 16/10/2011 13:32

Actually, having re-read the OP, it sounds to me like the Party girl's Mum wasn't even expecting the two other girls to stay?

Perhaps she assumed because you hadn't spoken to her, your 8yr old wouldn't be staying over night?

TheQueenOfDeDead · 16/10/2011 14:30

I'm a fairly laid back kind of parent - benign neglect and all tha,t but there is no way on this earth I would let my DD stay at the house of someone I had never spoken to and without ascertaining the details of the party.

Summersoon · 16/10/2011 14:33

Agree with Saffroncake, I think that the OP has taken enough stick about this. Hands up all those who have never made an error of judgment with regard to children - in my case, this has one more than one occasion involved assuming that other parents would be as sensible and careful as I am, both with my DD and with her friends. Sadly, this is not always the case, but oftentimes, one does not realize until afterwards.
You know what to do going forward and I would put this incident behind you. Moral of the story and a lesson I had to learn: do not assume, ever. Unless we are talking about a simple 2-hour birthday party at someone's house, always ask who is going to be there and who will look after the kids.
My DD did not have a mobile when she was 8, but I really appreciate the fact that I know that she and I can always get hold of each other now that she has one.
As for the other mother: I would probably cool off for a few days and then reconsider whether to say something to her. If you are going to, I think that you need to do it this week, rather than bring it next time she is invited if she is invited again. You could soften it by suggesting that she and you have a cup of coffee together so that you can get to know her a bit better etc. if she turns you down or responds in the wrong way to your saying that you are unhappy you will know not to allow your daughter over there again.

mumeeee · 16/10/2011 14:44

OP the party Mum was completely irresponsible and I would have a word with her. You don't arrange a party for an 11 year old then go out and leave them in charge of a 13 year old. She also should have provided bedding for your DD. and BF or let you know before hand that she didn't have any spare. Also you don't leave the children unattended in the morning. Yes it's okay to leave them at that age but not if they have friends over.

TheQueenOfDeDead · 16/10/2011 14:46

I don't think anyone has given the OP a particularly hard time, just pointed out it is a bit rich criticising a woman for leaving DC in the care of an older child for a couple of hours on a morning when the OP left her own daughter overnight in the care of a woman whom she has never spoken to and knows very little about without taking steps to ensure that her daughters welfare was catered for Hmm