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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

in thinking someone needs to tell my dad's GF to stop feeding us!

58 replies

TeapotsInJune · 15/10/2011 21:14

It is actually getting a tiny bit beyond a joke!

She regularly invites my husband and I around for a meal (with my dad) and cooks huge three course dinners with colossal portions, to the point where to be honest it's quite embarrassing. I ate until I was full to the point of bursting today but my plate still looked as if no one had touched it. As you're eating she constantly tries to make you take even more food.

My dad has gained a stone since being with her and I was sick after our meal today because I'd just had to eat so much and it's heavy, solid food - roast beef with around eight roast potatoes, three yorkshire puddings, massive dollops of carrots, peas, cauliflour. Pate and biscuits for starters and massive crumble fo pudding and my one portion would have fed four. I've asked her really nicely not to give me so much but she still piles my plate high.

My dad is really touchy about not offending her but I feel unwell when I have come away!

OP posts:
iscream · 16/10/2011 00:10

Just eat what you can, and not to the point of being stuffed. Your dad has to stop eating your leftovers too, how else is she to know she is over loading your plates?
What does your dad think will happen if you leave it on the plate? What does her being "offended" entail? Is she over the top emotionally?

FairPhyllis · 16/10/2011 01:47

I think this goes beyond being over-generous - if you have actually thrown up in the middle of a meal rather than leave some food it is a serious problem. What would actually happen if you said, no, I can't eat that much, please take half of that food off my plate?

This reminds me so much of my grandfather, who was extremely controlling about food in this way and would try to stuff anyone who ate with him with ridiculous quantities of food, trying to get them to take extra stuff while they were still eating. Every meal with him was a war between him and my dad, who wouldn't tolerate being bullied into eating food he didn't need. It's not being polite and hospitable, it's about control.

MeMySonAndI · 16/10/2011 02:22

She is putting a big plate of food in front of you. You are the one who has taken the choice to eat all of it.

Eat what you want, end of the problem.

BTW please also note than in some cultures the way to stop people serving you yet another portion is to leave some food in your plate Wink

KateRipsley · 16/10/2011 02:48

oooooh I love roasts!

Just eat what you like, just say you can't eat so much but the meal was delicious and thanks :)

TheBrideofFrankenstein · 16/10/2011 02:57

BTW please also note than in some cultures the way to stop people serving you yet another portion is to leave some food in your plate

In China it's actually rude to finish your plate as it casts aspersions on the generosity of the host.

LoveBeingAWitch · 16/10/2011 03:56

What has been said so far when you've left food? You cannot carry on that way. You don't have to make a big deal about it. Just make all the right noises, take an interest ie how does she make it so tasty? Then leave what you cannot eat. Are there other people there what are they doing?

ScaredTEECat · 16/10/2011 05:15

Honestly, it's not your job to protect your dad from his own inability to stand up for himself.

Eat what you want, leave the rest.

PureBloodMuggle · 16/10/2011 05:53

maybe she's a feeder? Though that's supposed to be just the partner isn't it?

Itls an awkward one alright, especially when the act is a hospitable/geneous one.

The only thing i can say is eat what you can, though not to the point of bursting just to where comfotable full and leave the rest. Jjust repeatig that you can't eat that much

as for your dad eating the rest not sure what to say, it easy to advise that it's nnot your problem but he's your dad and you probably don't want him to be force feedinng himself. Maybe just keep saying 'you don't have to force yourself you hadplenty on your own plate'

Whatls her reaction to people not finishing or to those that finish?

FellatioNelson · 16/10/2011 06:13

Why on earth are you going off to be sick between courses? Confused Are you bulimic? Or just a bit stupid? Just explain politely that you don't have an enormous appetite and could she please serve you less food, or let you dish up your own. If you have no room for pudding then say (nicely) that you have no room for pudding, or just have a tiny taster so as not to offend. It's not difficult.

She sounds like a thoughtful hostess and someone who is trying hard to be welcoming and hospitable to her partner's family. You sound a bit like tou are trying to find fault for the hell of it.

carabos · 16/10/2011 08:37

I don't understand the issue. She serves huge plate of food, you eat what you want, no matter how little, and leave the rest. She clearly doesn't worry about waste so why should you. As to her being offended, well, she's a grown-up, she'll get over it.
In your position, I would get a clean plate from the cupboard and decant a suitable portion onto it from the serving she provides and if she asks why, tell her.

seaweedhead · 16/10/2011 08:49

eating to the point of being sick jsut for the sake of not offending someone is complete madness. As others have said just eat as much as you usually would and leave the rest. If she's offended then that's her fault for being so sensitive.

LeoTheLateBloomer · 16/10/2011 08:53

Does she have an eating disorder? Does she eat as much as she's pushing on everyone else? This is how a friend of mine behaves. She's obsessed with food and seeing other people eating. She's very unwell Sad

BeyondLimitsOfTheLivingDead · 16/10/2011 08:54
troisgarcons · 16/10/2011 09:44

You dont say how old your Dad is (or his GF for that matter) - my MIL , well her dinners, you never knew whether to stick grappeling hooks in it and attempt to climb it like the north face of the Eiger or just try and eat the damned thing.

I think that stemmed from rationing in the war though. She was a 'feeder' - all her meals were massive. To make matters worse, she never used normal dinner plates, she had what I would term oval presentation plates Shock

Some people equate food with hospitality.

I just used to say "I can't eat that" and I do have a healthy appetite. Eventually she got the message that I wasn't going to eat like the rest of the family ..... which, I would point out, all have weight problems, diabetes and heart disease. It's been a heck of a job re-educating my husbands palete to expect smaller, healthier meals.

AlpinePony · 16/10/2011 09:51

'Someone'? Fgs, why on earth can't you say "wow, this looks lovely, you certainly enjoy cooking. I won't be able to eat it all now, can I take some home?".

(I assume you're older than 14.)

Salmotrutta · 16/10/2011 10:00

Does she maybe come from a family where everyone has/had a hard physical job? E.g farmers/builders or something where they tend to have very large appetites due to the nature of their work? Just a thought - all my brothers work in very physical jobs and eat like horses but remain very lean.
But I agree that you just need to keep repeating how lovely the food is but you are full up. And keep repeating as necessary.
I think she sounds like she is trying very hard (too hard) to please.

plupervert · 16/10/2011 10:04

She doesn't sound throughtful; she sounds like the sort of person who doesn't listen to others, and your father is wrong, too, for pressuring you to go along with it.

However, you don't sound very sensible, either. Being sick and not telling your father, even quietly, afterwards?! Shock Given that she's like this, you have to protect yourself, and that means leaving things, especially if she piles it up when you say no.

I had something a bit like this when I went to DH's hometown abroad (he was then just my long term bf) to see his family for New Year, and the people were trying to feed me so much I felt sick, so I just stopped eating as much, left it on the plate, and complained to future MIL that I felt sick: I could feel the food rising in my throat. Bless her, even though she herself is into big portions and "take more", she actually agreed with me! I must admit that I might have got away with it because I was foreign. However, that doesn't mean it will be impossible for you, as there is a culture in the UK of saying no to unwanted extra food. Moreover, she is acting outside cultural norms by over-feeding you, so the only pressure she can bring to bear is her own. Even your father could stand up to her for you if he wanted, as it's not as though the whole of his society says that she MUST FEED you and IT IS RUDE to say no.

kitya · 16/10/2011 10:05

Is she a good cook? I could do without the starter but, could easily manage the res Smile Im getting hungry just thinking of Sunday lunch!

MotherOfHobbit · 16/10/2011 10:07

I had the same problem with my MIL. She used to hand out huge portions and got really offended if I didn't finish- thought it was really rude. I don't think there's any solution other than what you're already doing. Hopefully she'll get the message.

LIZS · 16/10/2011 10:10

You're not obliged to eat it all ! Invite her over to yours and demonstarte what you normally eat, but have dishes of veg etc on table or "seconds". If your dad is concerned then suggets they buy a smaller plate size so it still looks full but is less iyswim.

KreepyInMind · 16/10/2011 10:14

What time is dinner, I am on my way

duckdodgers · 16/10/2011 10:20

Without seeing the portions its hard to know if they are too big or not, e.g 8 roast potatoes - is that 8 small bits or 8 huge potatoes? 8 doesnt seem to bad to me, neither does 3 yorkshires.

KreepyInMind · 16/10/2011 10:24

You are an adult so if you do not want as much to eat say so.
Yes it is up to you to tell her you do not want so much food

Bunbaker · 16/10/2011 10:30

"8 doesnt seem to bad to me, neither does 3 yorkshires."

Shock. That seems like a huge amount to me, even if the potatoes are small ones. Maybe the GF thinks like you. I'm not a hugs fan of roasties anyway and would probably eat two at most and no more than two yorkshires.

I like the idea of getting a second plate and decanting what you want to eat onto it.

My MIL used to serve huge portions, but she has finally got the message now after having to throw away too much food. Nowadays she tends to put the meal in dishes on the table so we can serve ourselves and any uneaten veg goes into soup and other stuff goes into the freezer.

BeyondLimitsOfTheLivingDead · 16/10/2011 11:40

When my DH makes roasties, he cuts them into tiny pieces, so 8 wouldnt be too much here either. And I could eat about 12 yorkshires I'd just leave the healthy stuff