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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

or I am normal. So scared something will go wrong with my baby

39 replies

catgirl1976 · 15/10/2011 21:11

I am normally a confident person undaunted by anything. But..I am 36 weeks pregnant and so happy other than this terrible lurking fear that something will go wrong with the baby.

Everywhere I look there is something about still birth or infant death. Of course I know no one can guarantee nothing bad will happen but I am starting to feel like I am seeing so much bad stuff because it is a "sign". I don't actually, normally believe things like that but I am so worried.

Is this normal? Is it just part of being pregnant or am I losing the plot?

Sorry

OP posts:

GuillotinedMaryLacey · 15/10/2011 21:13

It's part of being pregnant I'm afraid. First you're afraid of miscarriage, then you relax a bit and then as time goes on you realise how much you have to lose.

It's not a sign, it just happens. And being on here makes it worse I think because there is such a high concentration of women each with a story to tell that you wouldn't know by walking past them in the street.

It's pointless saying try not to worry...but...try not to worry :)

Northernlurker · 15/10/2011 21:17

Yes this is normal. There is quite a bit about stillbirth around, partly because today is pregnancy loss awareness day but also because a number of people - myself included- firmly believe that we are not talking enough about this. Women who lose babies in utero are not treated as grieving parents. They are expected to get over it and nobody uses their child's name. It is hard to do so, I know, I am trying to do so with a friend and it is hard but we have to stop pretending stillbirth doesn't happen. There was a huge awareness campaign to cut SIDS deaths and it worked. W need the same for stillbirth because 17 every day is too many.

For you op - jus knowing that this can happen is a huge part of keeping your baby safe. Your fears are not endangering your baby, it isn't a sign. This will help keep your baby safe because if their movements slow you will be straight off to hospital for monitoring won't you? You aren't going to sit at home wondering because you know what the risk is.

Original poster

catgirl1976 · 15/10/2011 21:17

Thank you GML - I am not normally like this - I think you are right in that you realise how much you have to lose.

And I said I wouldn't be PFB.....i I am this bad now I dread to think.......

I even find myself praying!

OP posts:

grumpybat · 15/10/2011 21:17

Totally and utterly normal.
Then once your baby is here you will fear treading on their head when you walk past them, dropping them down stairs and all sorts of horror scenarios.
It does pass eventually, although last night I dreamed my dd drowned in a swimming pool while dh and I bickered on the side.
The human brain likes to torment I think.....

Lifeissweet · 15/10/2011 21:20

If it helps, for every poster on here with a difficult story to tell there are countless more who have had perfectly easy births (I mean relatively here - I am not saying any birth is easy).

Please don't try to worry. I worried like mad with my first - and then it did go wrong and I felt like I'd somehow brought it on by fearing the worst (when I say wrong, I just mean a premature birth - the outcome was good )

This time, I am 24 weeks and feeling far more positive. I think having been through what I did the last time and knowing how hard the medical staff worked to save us both, i have enormous faith in the professionals to look after any problems. My attitude this time has been to let things take their course and take each day as it comes.

You, of course know, rationally, that the chances are very much in your favour for there to be no complications at all.

LoopyLoopsPussInBoots · 15/10/2011 21:20

I didn't even think about it and it did happen to me.

As NL says, you are aware (paranoia is SO much better than ignorance) so are a step in the right direction if things go wrong.

In my case, it was preventable had I known/noticed the signs, and had the medical profession acted upon what they saw.

Ask all the questions. That paranoia is what got me through my second pregnancy. It is a useful primitive tool.

Original poster

catgirl1976 · 15/10/2011 21:20

Thank you all - its just not something people talk about, so in RL I dont feel like I can ask people if it normal and if they felt / feel like this, so it really helps to be able to ask on here

OP posts:

Lifeissweet · 15/10/2011 21:23

I wrote 'please don't try to worry' er...not quite what I meant. Sorry!

Georgimama · 15/10/2011 21:23

You are completely normal to feel like this. My DD is 11 weeks old now and I'm afraid I had to hide every thread about the " count the kicks" campaign because if I had gone to hospital every time she didn't kick for an hour, I'd never have left the place. And she was my second, not my PFB.

You are nearly there, God willing, try not to worry (which I know is a facile and pointless thing to say because like me you will worry anyway).

Original poster

catgirl1976 · 15/10/2011 21:27

Thank you so much everyone......it is helping that others worry too and its normal. Wont stop me worrying but at least i can stop worrying that i am strange. loopy i am so sorry for your loss.

OP posts:

Andrewofgg · 15/10/2011 21:40

Only a poor bloody male, catgirl1976, but the very best of luck to you.

Original poster

catgirl1976 · 15/10/2011 21:42

Thank you andrew :)

OP posts:

WibblyBibble · 15/10/2011 21:49

Sorry, yes, you're normal. Next thing is the worrying when they're born if they're asleep too long, or don't sleep enough, or are they eating enough etc etc. I think it probably gets better after about 3 years...

Greenwing · 15/10/2011 21:50

As everybody has already posted, it is completely normal and I suffered with it painfully with first pregnancy and also first baby. Very stressful indeed.

My only advice is - don't try not to worry because you won't be able to stop yourself. Try perhaps to do what I managed to do with subsequent pregnancies (four of them!) - to enjoy what you have at this moment, on this particular day of pregnancy, because none of us knows what may happen in the future. Every time I had a sad or negative thought I would think of a possible alternative which was positive and try to remind myself that the good outcome was just as likely (or often more likely) than the negative one.
Good luck with birth and parenthood. You are not alone. I hope you can manage to enjoy part of every day both before and after the birth.

sausagerolemodel · 15/10/2011 21:55

It might help to know that "intrusive thoughts" are known to become quite common in late pregnancy and mums of new babies. There are several theories of what causes them, and a likely culprit is hormone fluctuations, although as someone already mentioned, it could be partly related to a primitive protective response, or perhaps most likely a mix of both. But yes, normal, and there because your body is subliminally making you even more aware and attentive, although it can feel distressing sometimes. HTH :-)

FrillyDrag · 15/10/2011 21:56

My last few weeks of pregnancy were accompanied by a change in mood. I spent my three pregnancies in a state of stupid bliss, until about 36 weeks when I was hit by anxiety and foreboding. It is not a predictor of something going wrong.

CubiksRube · 15/10/2011 21:57

Another person letting you know that it's compeletely normal :)

When I was pregnant I trawled the internet reading horror stories of late miscarriage, stillbirth, SIDS etc, and was convinced there was no way I'd be 'lucky' enough to have a healthy, 'normal' baby. Someone mentioned fearing stepping on their heads - yes! I had this horrible, used to vividly imagine his tiny skull caving in like a melon. And after that it was me being in the street or walking down the stairs and tripping, and DS falling horribly. I'm sure all that was psychologically on the normal spectrum, and you just have to try not to dwell on it, and to REALISE that it is irrational. DS is now 8 months old and the worst we've had is a bad nappy rash, for two days.

Just do what works for you. If you need to go see the midwives every time you get a twinge or don't feel kicking for 12 hours, that's ok (at least it was with my midwife, maybe double check with yours!) Focus on enjoying your pregnancy and subsequent baby, and focussing on the good things that are happening rather than the bad things that might, but most likely won't.

wigglesrock · 15/10/2011 21:59

Completely normal, I was terribly worried with dd3 this year, don't know why, breezed through with dds 1&2.

Tinkerisdead · 15/10/2011 22:02

Wibbly, it stops after three years? I still have visions of dd bolting into the road, being snatched or lost, slipping in the bath or crashing down from climbing frames. OP its normal. When DC is born you'll imagine all sorts and the first time they ever sleep through the night you'll race to their side to check their breathing. Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy and birth.

MrsLevinson · 15/10/2011 22:04

Completely normal. I worried firstly that I wouldn't be able to conceive, then I worried all the way through 2 pregnancies that something would go wrong - now my eldest DC is 4 and I still go into her room to check on her at night and put my hand under her nose to make sure she is breathing ok.
A midwife once said to me 'how do you think we all got here ok?' when I told her I was worried about things going wrong. She said that everyone worries but the probability is that everything will be just fine. Good Luck :)

discobeaver · 15/10/2011 22:07

It's just part of being a parent. As soon as you stop worrying about one thing something takes it's place.
Probably when you die it will stop, but I reckon there's an afterlife full of anxious parents fretting about their children.
"go into the light . . . "
"not until I'm sure they've changed the batteries in the smoke alarm and defrosted those burgers properly . . ."

Jellykat · 15/10/2011 22:18

Agree discobeaver, it starts with checking they're still breathing when they're tiny, and gradually changes throughout the years - now i'm ringing to check DS1 has arrived safely, after he's driven along the motorway back to his place..

It doesn't stop, so yes Catgirl, it's completely normal!

OhMyGolly · 15/10/2011 22:25

Oh bless, I do think it is normal, I freaked out so much whenever they put the doppler or scan thingy to my bump, convinced they would find nothing, despite sometimes feeling the little critter moving at the same time.

I had continuous monitoring when in labour with dd and her heartbeat did indeed dip to scary levels, hence the emcs. Ever since I am terrified of monitoring.

You just have to realise that yes still birth and cot death do exist, they are statistically not likely, just follow guidelines and do your best. It's impossible to predict who this will happen to. It is just one of those things that you cannot control so a small amount of worry and caution is sensible, if worries are growing and becoming prominent, you might want to speak to your Gp

OhMyGolly · 15/10/2011 22:34

Very important point there NorthernLurker, I did exactly as you describe with my first, I was a week overdue, movement went to basically zero. What did I do, stuck my stupid head in the stupid sand. I was terrified that my baby had gone, I went into labour within 24 hours, and she wasn't happy in there when I got there. Meconium/flat trace/failure to progress=emcs.

I am so so lucky despite my complete idiocy, dd spent 48 hours in scbu due to an infection, I had ab's too so it must have been in the womb. She is fine now, but I shudder to think what could have been.

Northernlurker · 15/10/2011 22:40

Ohmygolly - don't call yourself stupid. There is a conspiracy of silence about the risks to babies in utero because people don't want to freak mums out. It's not your fault you weren't equipped to deal with the situation you found yourself in. So pleased your dd is fine.

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