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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

for someone to only adopt a certain gender?

27 replies

Rollon2012 · 15/10/2011 21:05

this is totally hypothetical but a conversation the other day about couples who are desperate for a certain gender and have loads of kids and sometimes sadly it never happens,

I said well surely you could advertise to adopt a baby girl only, they were horrified and said you can't really do that, AIBU to think aslong as its made clear in the begining??

p.s hope I dont offend anyone by this

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 15/10/2011 21:06

well, i don't think you can advertise to adopt a child anyway.

i can't say i know a huge amount about the process but I am sure that you get "matched" with a child, and always presumed it could be either gender.. not sure if you could specify really

Original poster
Rollon2012 · 15/10/2011 21:13

I mean like in juno finding someone in the paper etc ...

OP posts:
MrsSnow · 15/10/2011 21:16

Not sure what you mean by advertise to adopt.

You can however declare your preference to adopt a boy or a girl or both or neither (ie no preference).

SecretNutellaFix · 15/10/2011 21:16

Doesn't happen in the UK especially.

So either you aren't in UK or have watched far too much American film and TV. I'll be honest- if you come across as desperate for a particular gender, you will be weeded out early on in the assessment process and would be possibly rejected for lots of concerns.

BridgetBust · 15/10/2011 21:22

What are you talking about? Who is juno?

StewieGriffinsMom · 15/10/2011 21:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thisisyesterday · 15/10/2011 21:27

you can't just advertise a baby for adoption in the paper Hmm

StewieGriffinsMom · 15/10/2011 21:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Rollon2012 · 15/10/2011 21:32

see^^ I'm not american and I've never seen it here

OP posts:
troisgarcons · 15/10/2011 21:35

Private adoptions do happen in the UK - they aren't all state or charity controlled. Normally they are inter-family but that isn't always the case.

My friends "cousin" came from Woolies (I kid ye not!). The dad got talking to a pregnant shop assistant and it was arranged that he and his wife would adopt the baby when it came. And they did.

StewieGriffinsMom · 15/10/2011 21:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CurlyBoy · 15/10/2011 21:55

We have recently adopted here in the UK. During the assessment process we were asked many questions on the type of child we not only wanted to adopt but also what we thought we could cope with. Throughout most of the 6 month process my wife and I were pretty adamant that we wanted a girl under 2. After much discussion we told our social worker at the last meeting that we trusted her judgement and would love a child of either sex. She asked us why and we replied that we wanted it to be as "natural" as possible so it should be left to chance.

Six months ago we had a lovely 18 month old little boy move in with us and we couldn't be happier! I could never picture myself as a dad to a little boy before but now I can't imagine life without him. So while I don't think it is wrong at all to want and ask for a certain sex child I can't recommend it.

FearfulYank · 16/10/2011 07:55

I read a letter once where a couple was "hoping to adopt a newborn Caucasian or Hispanic girl." Hmm

No way in hell would I give my child to them if I were going to give one up...

FearfulYank · 16/10/2011 07:57

And congrats Curly !

InWithTheITCrowd · 16/10/2011 08:08

You can specify a gender in the same way that you can specify age, health issues and colour. However, prospective adopters go through a rigorous process, and while some may have a stated preference, most don't place such restrictions on their choices. It takes such a long time to be matched with a child, but the match has to be right. I know a couple with older birth sons who wanted to adopt a girl. They did, but it took them 5 years, as there were more boys in the system at that time.
Wanting a girl, though, is not a reason to adopt.

Original poster
Rollon2012 · 16/10/2011 08:15

Isn't it InwiththeITcrowd- surely its better than being in the care sysytem for yonks until your of an age where no-one wants to,.

OP posts:
Maryz · 16/10/2011 08:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Magneto · 16/10/2011 08:30

Im not amazed by how little people know Maryz. Unless you work in that area or you want to adopt, why would you low anything about the process other than what is shown on tv?

CurlyBoy · 16/10/2011 10:00

Too right Maryz! I have been amazed at some of the questions we've been asked! There is this massive misunderstanding of the adoption process in the UK. Most people want to know if we got to choose our child and why we didn't get a baby. In a sense we DID choose because we had the option to refuse the match. Most people don't realise that it can take up to and over 18 months to clear a child for adoption (even if taken at birth) and find a match. They are surprised to learn that no newborns are EVER adopted!

fedupandtired · 16/10/2011 10:10

My mum and step dad adopted an 8 yr old girl. They'd specifically wanted a girl because my mum already had my sister and me who were grown up and had no experience of boys. Social services never had a problem with that.

I guess it's different if you want a baby but with an older child I think they're happy just to be able to place them.

Birdsgottafly · 16/10/2011 10:19

"Private adoptions do happen in the UK"

They are now illegal and the LA will always be involved somewhere in the process.

Most people don't realise but if you are going to look after a child for more than 28 days that you don't have PR for, you should, under the law, inform SS, who will oversee things, as the child is strictly speacking a 'looked after child'. This came in after V Climbie and has been expanded on.

Many children up for adoption would benefit from being in a small size primary family, so having 3 of one and wanting to adopt the 4th to get the opposite gender, wouldn't work for the child.

Tbh OP you sound quite nieve about adoption. What you suggest wouldn't work in the UK, in the main.

Original poster
Rollon2012 · 16/10/2011 11:35

Tbh OP you sound quite nieve about adoption. What you suggest wouldn't work in the UK, in the main.

I did state this was entirely hypothetical so of course I no notthing about adoption why should, and above poster just said her parent specified a girl and there was no problem, things may have changed now.

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 16/10/2011 11:55

I am working in the field at present.

As i said most people who specify a gender do not have younger birth children at home, most children who need families come some 'problems', whilst during the process you are asked a number of questions, in the senario that you give most wouldn't be considered, unless their motivation had come from just wanting another child, then they narrowed down; gender/medical/emotional/wider family, needs.

Generally only the foster carers that have gone on to adopt get the child from birth. The process, even if an CP order is put on 'unborn' still takes about 3 months minimum, but it is rare that it is that quick, on a healthy child.

Birdsgottafly · 16/10/2011 11:58

In the other senario, it was the mum and stepdad, so it might be that the stepdad did not have children, so that is still very different from already having children and wanting a different gender.

You have to realise that sleeping arrangements are taken into account, there would be very few families that this would suit, as most people 'make do' with the amount of bedrooms/space that they have, the adopted child would need their own room.

Whereas lots of parents just put the new child in with siblings/themselves, until they can get a bigger house, or they are older and one moves out.

Original poster
Rollon2012 · 16/10/2011 11:59

Oh right I did think there were more private aoptions then there seems to be.

OP posts:
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