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AIBU?

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Original poster

not to let dd (12) go into Exeter on her own

75 replies

Jux · 14/10/2011 21:20

entirely on her own - not with friends - for the whole day, so she can sing in the Cathedral?

She's sung there before and will have many other opportunities to do so, it's just that this time there is no one we know/she knows going. I will be in Exeter all day but tied up and unable to look after her, dh has other engagements, which keep him in and round the house all day.

She thinks we're being UR, and dh has been half persuaded (tears etc always work on him). Now I'm wondering if I'm being unnecessarily cruel, I certainly feel like it.

PS We live about 20miles away from Exeter.

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 14/10/2011 23:54

To be fair the vagueness of the arrangements and the fact that the OP's daughter hasn't provided necessary information has altered my view somewhat. I agree with whoever said a few posts ago that this can be used for action planning her first solo trip a bit more thoroughly in due course.

Original poster
Jux · 15/10/2011 00:39

GrimmatheNome, good idea.

OP posts:
startail · 15/10/2011 00:51

At I think 13 I used to escape my Grandparents to spend the whole day in A much bigger city. Long before mobiles, I know my mum didn't like letting me, but she did.
I know very soon I will have to let my 13 year old do similar things. The occasion has yet occurred, but it will.

Original poster
Jux · 15/10/2011 18:48

Guess what? Turns out the damn thing was adults only Grin

OP posts:
VivaLeBeaver · 15/10/2011 18:55

Oh dear. Grin Did she go in the end then or not?

Original poster
Jux · 15/10/2011 21:13

She didn't as it was only for adults, but she came on the train to meet me once my obligations were done with, and we spent a looooooong time wandering round the shops and buying books, instead.

OP posts:
PootlePosyPumpkin · 15/10/2011 21:20

Exeter is a lovely place with a very "safe" feel. To me, anyway. I would let DS go there alone whereas I would not let him go to Birmingham, which is about 20 miles from our house. We have a holiday home near Exeter so do spend a fair bit of time there.

However, even the sleepiest of villages can have it's dangers so, really, the decision has to be up to you. It's not so much where she's going as to whether you are happy for her to go anywhere alone. If you would let her go 1 mile away happily then I'd say let her go to Exeter. Singing in a cathedral is hardly a risky activity either is it?

PootlePosyPumpkin · 15/10/2011 21:22

Damn, that'll teach me to read to the end of a thread before posting Grin.

Original poster
Jux · 15/10/2011 21:59

Ah, but Pootle, you can still give me advice about how to get her to understand the stranger danger thing.

OP posts:
VivaLeBeaver · 15/10/2011 22:11

I take it she knows all about things like Milly Dowler and the Soham girls?

seeker · 15/10/2011 22:28

There aren't things like Milly Dowler and the Soham girls- they are one off catastrophes. No need to scare children with stories like those!

exoticfruits · 15/10/2011 22:34

What a horrible way of putting it. Hmm

seeker · 15/10/2011 22:41

Who, me?

exoticfruits · 15/10/2011 22:43

No-if I had a murdered DC I wouldn't want them used on websites as 'things'.
'Things like........' sounds horrible.

VivaLeBeaver · 15/10/2011 23:17

I wasn't referring to the actual children as things, but rather the scenario, situation, events, whatever.

But if they're only one offs then there's no need to ever mention stranger danger at all is there. Infact it's fine if teen girls do go off with blokes they don't know. Hmm

OhTheConfusion · 15/10/2011 23:46

Glad it all worked out well.

Have to say Exeter is our nearest city (live about 20miles away too) and if the poor soul cant make it out of the station and accross the road to the college it's not looking good for her finding her own way to the cathedral etc so perhaps a few trial runs over the coming months.

Also, as much as I love Exeter the only place I ever (always) seem to pass drunks or drug users is outside house of fraser - paperchase direction, ie, the direct route from station to cathedral so I wouldn't be too happy letting my DS(not 12 yet) do this trip alone either... and it's dark at 6.30pm these days :-(

That said, off to Exeter tomorrow for some retail therapy and lunch :-)

MitrochondrialEve · 16/10/2011 01:25

"But to be honest accepting a coffee and talking to a man in a cafe is safe and very different from going to his house."

Sorry VivaLeBeaver while I agree that it's very different to going to his house, I don't agree that it's necessarily safe. It could be the first step to being invited to his house, and once the OP's daughter had met the man a few times and began to trust him, then an offer of a free singing lesson or something might seem okay to the OP's daughter.

Certainly, if it was a one-off and the stranger didn't say or do anything untoward in the cafe, then of course the only harm done is that the OP's daughter can use this as an example of how it is okay to talk to strangers and her parents are being over-cautious.

This story about young people being sexually exploited by gangs in the UK, has been giving me the horrors since I read it.

I think it's important for young people to know that a stranger who takes a strong interest in them may be pretending to be nice.

Aged 9 onwards I travelled by train into a city regularly and changed trains in a mainline station. I was approached numerous times by men offering coffees, or to meet puppies, etc. I never took them up on their offers, and I'm glad I didn't. Fortunately, "No" and "I'm not allowed to talk to strangers" while walking quickly to a busy area kept me safe, though I know I was lucky.

Original poster
Jux · 16/10/2011 14:32

I think that a large part of it is her wanting a bit more independence because she's at that age, and also because she's at that age, she is suffering from the type of thinking everyone is prone to of "it only happens to other people", which is a large part of the idea of invincibility that all teenagers have.

I think for the moment that she needs to grow up just a little bit more before she can really be left to her own devices in a city, even one like Exeter; though I shall continue my habit of meeting her there when I have to go in anyway and gradually letting her off the leash while we're there - "I need to go here, why don't you have a wander round while I'm busy and we'll meet at X at N o'clock".

Does that sound reasonable?

OP posts:
OhTheConfusion · 16/10/2011 18:03

That is very reasonable and how my parents began letting my siblings and I go further a field.

Good luck.

HappySeven · 16/10/2011 20:55

It sounds VERY reasonable. I shall be back for advice from you when my DD is the same age as you sound like you have it sorted.

GrimmaTheNome · 17/10/2011 10:34

Yes, and (if there's someone appropriate) doing trips with friends before doing the whole thing alone.

Original poster
Jux · 21/10/2011 01:51

There's another choir thing at the Cathedral in a couple of weeks' time. She will be going to it without me (but with a few other people).

We are going into Exeter next week (half term) and I shall let her wander alone among all those big scary crowds for a couple of hours and we'll meet up somewhere and she will be hugely grown up!

What timing! How good is that!

OP posts:
Original poster
Jux · 21/10/2011 01:53

Oh, and HappySeven, I am in no way sorted as a parent; the last thing you want to do is take advice from me.

OP posts:
GrimmaTheNome · 21/10/2011 08:24

Good, the choir trip with others and halfterm sound much better forays into independence!

Being sorted as a parent means being a year or two ahead and everyone survived doesn't it? Grin

ZZZenAgain · 21/10/2011 08:25

oh that's good luck Jux!

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