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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

not to let dd (12) go into Exeter on her own

75 replies

Jux · 14/10/2011 21:20

entirely on her own - not with friends - for the whole day, so she can sing in the Cathedral?

She's sung there before and will have many other opportunities to do so, it's just that this time there is no one we know/she knows going. I will be in Exeter all day but tied up and unable to look after her, dh has other engagements, which keep him in and round the house all day.

She thinks we're being UR, and dh has been half persuaded (tears etc always work on him). Now I'm wondering if I'm being unnecessarily cruel, I certainly feel like it.

PS We live about 20miles away from Exeter.

OP posts:

BarmyBiscuit · 14/10/2011 21:51

She's 12. More than old enough. She won't get her head out of the clouds if you don't let her have independence. Let her grow up

ilovesooty · 14/10/2011 21:51

Is there any reason why a 12 year old doesn't understand not to talk to strangers? She knows absolutely no one singing that day? It sounds to me as though you've already decided she isn't going.

troisgarcons · 14/10/2011 21:52

DONT SHOUT!

Ok call me Thick McThicky - but why is she in a choir where she knows no one??? Someone must have asked her? Teacher? vicar?

ilovesooty · 14/10/2011 21:54

Exactly: there must be an adult who's the point of contact.

BarmyBiscuit · 14/10/2011 21:54

It doesn't matter if she won't know anyone there either. A fantastic opportunity for her to gain confidence and be independent.

HappySeven · 14/10/2011 21:55

I think it's brilliant that she's confident enough to go. I used to travel 20 miles by train to school from the age of 9 and was fine (although of course there were others on the same train as me).

If you are in Exeter could you arrange with her to come and find you if she needs to? I lived in Exeter about 10 years ago and it was a pretty nice place then. Could you consider it good practice for when she's a bit older and may be in not such nice places?

BuckminsterFullerene · 14/10/2011 21:56

You know her, you know the situation. If you're not happy, don't let her go.

Some of the 12yr olds I know would cope with it, most wouldn't. (and they live in the city)

FessaEst · 14/10/2011 21:57

Jux - you clearly feel that she shouldn't go, and it's your decision to make.

However (as you've asked for opinions), 12 is not too young to have a bit of independence/manage a simple train journey & walk etc. There must be some sort of organisation regarding who is in charge of the singing etc? It surely can't be a totally random coincidence of people just turning up to sing? There will be someone, somewhere in a position of authority? You could ring the cathedral in the morning and check?

If I was going to be happy for my DD to wander (and even get lost) in any British city, Exeter would be pretty high on the selection list. It is a small/compact, friendly, low-crime city, largely pedestrianised in the centre. She doesn't even have to make any turnings, it is one straight walk from Exeter Central to the cathedral. On a Saturday, it will be heaving, there will be families with children all over, so you could ensure she knows to approach a family type unit for help if required.

What is it that makes you so sure she shouldn't go?

Trills · 14/10/2011 21:57

YABU.

FriedSprout · 14/10/2011 22:00

Could you arrange to meet her lunchtime? - I would not be happy either to be honest.

BuckminsterFullerene · 14/10/2011 22:01

In fairness, while Exeter is nice, many people have a very romanticised idea of "Devon". Exeter is a city, like any other, with it's share of hazards.

fairylights · 14/10/2011 22:01

I guess you know your DD better than the rest of us and if you are really anxious about how she will cope then maybe its not the best idea.
I grew up near Exeter and used to go there all the time from the age of about 11, mostly with friends but sometimes I would go by myself. I don't think Exeter has changed that much since then tbh and my younger cousins (teenagers) who live there are very free range! It still seems very small and safe to me (now that I have lived in big, grimey, scary cities )

exoticfruits · 14/10/2011 22:03

There is only want question-is she happy with it? It sounds fine to me.

Trills · 14/10/2011 22:12

If she is confident then let her do it.

Why are you worried about what she will do at lunchtime if she is not worried? She will probably do whatever the other choir members do.

ZZZenAgain · 14/10/2011 22:15

can't be a choir if she doesn't know anyone at all there. Jux said "no-one from her choir will be there; she will be singing with a load of strangers..."

exoticfruits · 14/10/2011 22:19

Why does it matter if she knows them or not?

Original poster

Jux · 14/10/2011 22:22

Sorry for shouting. It did seem that quite a lot of people had missed that aspect.

She is in a local choir and the invitation has stemmed via that. No one from her local choir can go tomorrow so she would be the only one. We do not know anyone who would be singing in the Cathedral tomorrow as otherwise they would have told us of the opportunity themselves, long ago.

DD does not have a point of contract phone no or name. She doesn't even have a phone no. for the person in her own choir who told everyone of the thing tomorrow. She says she doesn't know the woman's name as she's new.

I could arrange to meet her at lunchtime if I knew when lunchtime was. I do not know when my lunchtime will be, and no one knows when hers is. She doesn't even know what time they're going to start but thinks they'll finish about 4.30. I don't mind waiting an hour or so for her finish - or longer if it comes to it - and obviously would but everything else is so tenuous and vague that I'm not happy about any of it.

There will be other opportunities. She has sung there twice before, once earlier this year. Both times, we were told of it at the last minute, like this evening, but htere were others going from her choir, and neither of us had other commitments.

DD also has other commitments tomorrow, but we could cancel them fairly easily if this were less vague or if someone from her choir were going too.

Yes, Exeter is a relatively safe city and if I were not going to be completely out of contact for the day, then I wouldn't have a problem with it, or not a problem I wasn't aware I had to get over.

She has spent the day there with 4 or 5 friends with no supervising adult, and I would have been quite happy for her to be doing that, but would prefer her to do that a couple more times before she is left completely on her own.

She does know not to talk to strangers, but she's so used to everybody in our town being nice and wonderful to her, and it has made her too trusting, I think. DH and I have spoken to her about it, but she thinks because she's 12 she knows everything. I don't think she does.

OP posts:

exoticfruits · 14/10/2011 22:25

It does sound a bit vague!

Pandemoniaa · 14/10/2011 22:37

I think it's the vagueness that would cause me problems. Not a 12 year old being alone in a safe city like Exeter. The current arrangements seem worryingly lacking in the sort of detail that normally accompanies a performance and I'd want a much clearer idea of what is supposed to be happening and when.

I don't think 12 is too young to be alone in Exeter but I would be rather puzzled and worried about the paucity of information.

ajandjjmum · 14/10/2011 22:46

I visited Exeter for the first time this week - it's a beautiful city.

As the Cathedral is in the square with all the shops, and a couple of cafes, couldn't you arrange for her to meet you at one of these when she's finished. If she takes a book or something, I'm sure she'd be fine waiting for you and having a drink. Maybe have lunch there as a treat?

I'd say your main danger might be that she'd wander into Jack Wills and be led astray!

And if she does get lost, she can always ask someone for help.

Original poster

Jux · 14/10/2011 22:54

I'm sure there is more information to be had, and if dd were not so off with the fairies she'd have written it down, remembered it or got the woman's phone number (and remembered to tell us before 9pm when it's too late to phone any of the old ladies in her choir for whom we do have phone numbers).

If dd were more on top of things, less vague, then I'm sure we wouldn't have had that much of a problem with it, even if we hadn't known much more htan we do. The thing is, she is.

Thanks for your thoughts everyone. I will be taking steps to try to

a) make her more aware of the dangers of talking to strangers, and accepting coffees from them (will require some thought, any suggestions welcome as straight talking hasn't worked so far)

b) give her more opportunities to increase her independence so that when this sort of thing comes up again, we can confidently say yes.

OP posts:

Trills · 14/10/2011 23:12

Sounds like a good AIBU resolution

GrimmaTheNome · 14/10/2011 23:20

Good. I'd suggest you add to your action plan making her aware that if she wants to be given responsibility for looking after herself, she needs to show a bit more responsibility in the first place - making sure she finds all the necessary information,tells you in good time, that sort of thing.

VivaLeBeaver · 14/10/2011 23:26

I went to Lyons on a bus on my own when I was 12. Which involved a bus change and seven hour wait in London. Which of course was a seven hour shopping exhibition. I'd never been to London or Lyons before.

If she gets lost she can ask someone for directions. Just reemphasise the no going off with strangers thing. But to be honest accepting a coffee and talking to a man in a cafe is safe and very different from going to his house. Hopefully she is sensible enough to recognise that.

GrimmaTheNome · 14/10/2011 23:39

Yes, but I would guess your trip was planned and thought through. Not sprung on your parents the night before with insufficient detail by a vague child. The first time they go off alone they need to have worked through the contingencies and TBH doesn't sound like the OPs DD is quite up to managing that yet.

I'm somewhat curious to know whether other posters on this thread currently have a 12 year old DD who travels to a city 20 miles away - as one who does, as far as I can tell DDs cohort are still all very much on the page of wanting at least one pal with them.

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