Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

AIBU to ask my sister if she is gay?

29 replies

rainbowrabbit · 14/10/2011 15:15

Name change but been around a while.

I have never known my younger sister to have a 'boyfriend' or any 'friend' really. Over the last few months she has been around a lovly polish girl - lots of polish people in her place of work.

I have always had my suspissions she was gay and either way i couldn't care aless if she was with somone who will make her happy - i have had a bit of a snoop on facebook - some of her friends arnt so hot on the security and have seen some photo's and comments that she is in a relationship with this lady.

WIBU to ask her? If presume she will tell me if/when she is ready but but just saying hey sis is xxxx your girlfriend then?

OP posts:

loserface · 14/10/2011 15:18

She might just be a bit scared of saying it out loud or "announcing" it, if you have a good relationship then it might be worthwhile just asking her outright. I dont see how it can do any harm anyway!

diyvspse · 14/10/2011 15:18

Sure, why not. You'd ask if it were a guy right?

PeggyCarter · 14/10/2011 15:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

loserface · 14/10/2011 15:22

Not always the case joyful. Sometimes its hard to get the words out or find the right time, its easier just to be asked

mrskeithlemon · 14/10/2011 15:23

yabu. Its her business to tell you when she is ready.

Speaking as someone with a gay sister who took years to tell us, despite us all knowing all along

switchtvoffdosomelessboring · 14/10/2011 15:25

If you don't want to directly ask you could always say something like 'do you and xx want to go for dinner one night'. Maybe she is a little worried about telling you but if you act like you already know, and are cool about it then she would probably be more at ease.

cantspel · 14/10/2011 15:25

why?

her sexuality is her business and she will tell you if and when she wants to

LydiaWickham · 14/10/2011 15:27

could you ask her if she's in a relationship at the moment, if she says yes, can you ask if it's X?

diyvspse · 14/10/2011 15:27

Bit don't ask don't tell on this thread...

Ilovedaintynuts · 14/10/2011 15:30

I would actually. I imagine I would find it a relief if I was gay, not quite out, and someone asked me.

You know your sister though, everybody is different.

Rather than ask her if she was gay I would probably just ask her if she and her friend were a couple. Keep it lighthearted. Let her brush it off and change the subject if she wants.

FetchezLaVache · 14/10/2011 15:31

I personally feel you shouldn't force a confidence. One of my best friends is almost certainly gay, but I won't be asking- they know they can tell me (they have met several of my other gay friends), they must have their own reasons for not doing so. I can wait.

oohlaalaa · 14/10/2011 15:32

Just make sure your parents are not within earshot.

MamaChocoholic · 14/10/2011 15:36

coming out was such a pain. if someone in my family had guessed and asked in a nice direct way, and been someone I could have trusted not to mention it to others, I would have welcomed it. she might et a bit of a shock if she's straight though!

oohlaalaa · 14/10/2011 15:38

My Dad has a bi friend. They are friends from school. He used to have girlfriends, and even got married and has a family, but now has a boyfriend.

He's into politics, Dad met Boris Johnson via him, and he's apparently always been bi (known to have had boyfriends and girlfriends), but never a relationship with a man till the last ten years. This friend is in his early 60s now. Everybody knows he's bi, but he has never come out and said it, or referred to his OH, as his boyfriend.

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/10/2011 15:40

I asked my brother. He was fine with it. Basically, He didn't want to be with anyone, male or female, but I wanted to know. I asked in context though (sexuality came up in conversation).

Kayano · 14/10/2011 15:41

I would ask! Obv not
In front of parents but you would ask if it was a boy!

I agree with the poster above about don't ask don't tell... If it's not an issue either way I would ask. But that's just me

PeggyCarter · 14/10/2011 15:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

diyvspse · 14/10/2011 15:42

Sure it's different depending on the person - but I would think not asking, or acknowledging the possibility, when it's borderline obvious, is disrespectful.

DawnOfTheDeementedDead · 14/10/2011 15:47

Would you ask her if she was heterosexual if you thought she was?

I think it's none of your business and she will tell you what and when she wants you to know.

loserface · 14/10/2011 15:47

I think it depends on the person, how well do you know your sister? Do you think this is an approach she would react well to?

I'm bi but have never told anyone as I just dont know how I would do it, or understand why I would have to announce it iykwim. DP asked after we had been going out a while and I found it a bit of a relief to finally be able to tell someone without having to bring the subject up myself.

I would say if you do ask, and she is gay, then dont make a big deal of it. Dont ask lots of questions, just keep it short and sweet.

notlettingthefearshow · 14/10/2011 15:50

I wouldn't ask directly. Try to give her signals that you would be happy to hear she's gay/bi (if she is!) maybe by mentioning gay friends in a casual way to show you are not prejudiced. Or you could comment on how happy she looks and ask if she's seeing someone. Obviously this should be in a relaxed, private environment.

Be prepared for her not to tell you, and don't take it personally. You need to respect her privacy and let her come to you when she's ready.

worraliberty · 14/10/2011 15:53

How old is she?

If she's a teenager, it's not unusual for them to have a relationship status with their best friend and list their dogs and cats as siblings.

Original poster

rainbowrabbit · 14/10/2011 16:01

She is early thirties -

She is REALLY happy at the moment - I am just pleased she has found somone who can make her smile and from what i have seen/met of this lady she seems really nice too.

I think our mum would quite like it if one of her daughters were gay makes her a bit different than her cousins and she could chat to her sisters about how great she is about it all- and my dd who's 5 already knows that 'somtimes woman marry woman and men marry men but mostley girls marry nice boys' ;) she helpfully quoted this to my DH uncle and partner ;) - i think she wants to be a bridesmaid again......

OP posts:

aldiwhore · 14/10/2011 16:16

I think there's no issue is saying 'hey sis is this your girlfriend? You look so happy" and take it from there. I wouldn't say "Hey sis are you gay?" as that seems much more intrusive.

lesley33 · 14/10/2011 16:23

I agree - ask if this woman is her girlfriend - but in a light hearted way. Sometimes people find it hard to make "an announcement" as it were that they are gay. But it doesn't sound as if she is trying hard to hide it, so she may even think that she has kind of told you by how she with this woman.

Flip

1 2