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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not phone someone back if they put the phone down on me.

42 replies

frightstick · 14/10/2011 09:29

Have had argument with my brother - he slammed the phone down.

Actually, it wasn't even an argument, he just didn't like what I was saying.

This was yesterday morning. He hasn't phoned back to apologise.

What's the etiquette in this situation. I'm furious.

OP posts:

PfftTheMagicDraco · 14/10/2011 09:32

The etiquette is to ignore the fucker until he apologises.

aldiwhore · 14/10/2011 09:32

Meh. Is the reaction. Don't phone him back.

Unless you were saying stuff you shouldn't have... so have a really good think, it may have sounded reasonable to you, but imagine it was him saying it to you... would you have had a row on the phone or hung up?

Maybe send a text simply saying 'peace?'. He probably doesn't feel the need to apologise and neither do you so a simple text would be an agreement to differ.

HecateGoddessOfTheNight · 14/10/2011 09:34

It depends entirely what you want. To be right. To be apologised to. To be on speaking terms with your brother, etc etc.

Are you happy to just leave him to it, even if that means you don't speak. Do you want to call him and tell him that you are unhappy (although he will probably just put the phone down again) do you want to apologise for what you said in order to smooth things over because you'd rather just be talking to your brother?

I also think a lot depends on what you said and why. If you were sticking your nose into something that was none of your business, then you owe him an apology. If he asked something and didn't like the answer, or you told him something because it was your business, then it's different.

valiumredhead · 14/10/2011 09:38

Going through he same thing atm with a close member of my family - I am too cross to phone and she hasn't rung to apologise, so it's a bit of a stand off. It's over something quite serious and she is most definitely in the wrong , no two ways about it. It's hard to know what to do for the best.

I hope it gets sorted OP :)

Original poster

frightstick · 14/10/2011 09:40

He has a long history of being self-absorbed and only ever phones when he wants to talk about himself. This is goes on at great length about how he's feeling about things, what 'emotional place' he's in and the like.

I'm usually trying to wrestle with a toddler at this point.

After spending months droning on about needing to finish with his girlfriend because 'it just doesn't feel right' (which is fine, obviously), he then phoned to complain that she was being 'funny' with him when he spoke to her.

There was some other stuff and it was along the lines that I didn't think he was being fair to her.

What he wants, is someone to tell him how great he is and he should do whatever it takes to make him happy. I'm not really like that.

So maybe I was a bit harsh, but it was essentially that he didn't like what I was saying.

OP posts:

OchAyeTheNooPal · 14/10/2011 09:40

I wouldn't phone back because that will be what he expects but the next time I spoke to someone who did that I would let them know how fucking rude it is.

Fair enough if he had said I'm gonna hang up now cos I don't want to talk about this anymore. But to just hang up would make me raging.

snailoon · 14/10/2011 09:40

My sister wasn't on speaking terms with our brother (similar situation). He was killed in a car crash.
Maybe I'm being overly dramatic, but try to get priorities right. I agree with Hecate.

snailoon · 14/10/2011 09:41

The last time they spoke she hung up on him.

aldiwhore · 14/10/2011 09:47

I do think its worth phoning back then, if only to say 'look, I love you, and will always listen, but you have to understand I'm allowed an opinion.. so can we make a deal on this at least? Just for the sake of our relationship? We probably won't agree with each other on most things, but I'm your sister and I love you"

Then hang up on him

I have a very arty and very self absorbed friend, and it can get tiresome. However, that is who they are. Sometimes they need telling, sometimes you just have to smile and nod, or take the piss and sometimes you just have to install number recognition and ignore.

Original poster

frightstick · 14/10/2011 09:47

Well snailoon - that certainly is pause for thought

I have texted him saying that I am sorry I annoyed him.

I thought long and hard about the exact wording. I didn't really feel like apologising for what I said (because I still think it's true) but I felt it was one up from 'I'm sorry you are annoyed'

I'm turning into a man aren't I .

Given his predilection for over analysing things, I imagine that will keep him busy for a couple of days.

OP posts:

Lylah · 14/10/2011 09:47

Outrageous behaviour. If/when you start talking to him, he needs to understand that hanging up on people is unacceptable. Definitely don't call him back (for now) - leave him to his self-obession for a while!

snailoon · 14/10/2011 10:00

I just think it is always better to be speaking, (even if the speaking is irritable).
Well done for your ambiguous text.

Lylah · 14/10/2011 10:05

Hmm... not sure if the text was quite ambiguous enough. You didn't annoy him - he was annoyed by what you said. Big difference.

I hope you make it up in due course though :)

Andrewofgg · 14/10/2011 10:08

No frightstick you are not turning into a man. You were doing that when you did not contact him. I hope I would let my female side send that text if I was in your shoes.

Having said which DW and MIL regularly go days without contact when neither will apologise but if you knew MIL like I know MIL . . .

Salmotrutta · 14/10/2011 10:09

I'm a good listener (apparently) and even I get fed up of people who chunter on endlessly at you about "situations" but don't actually want you to contribute.
I believe the term used to describe them is "me, me, me".

Shakey1500 · 14/10/2011 10:10

aldiwhore- this "friend" isn't moi is it??? ;)

OP, I can understand how frustrating it is to try and deal with someone's emotional problems while there's a toddler lobbing a piece of lego across the room. But yes, probably worth a text.

Salmotrutta · 14/10/2011 10:13

I agree though that your text was quite good for ambiguity.

And I agree snailoon's story makes you stop and think doesn't it?

You could also have said "I'm sorry you didn't like my view of the situation" - the sort of thing I would have said.

Original poster

frightstick · 14/10/2011 10:14

Thank you shakey

Thing is, it's been going on for years. Ds1 is now 6 and i remember his previous nap times on maternity leave being taken up by 40 minute phone calls.

He lurches from one existentialist crisis to another and constantly wants soothing words about his decisions.

The rest of us are just getting on and muddling through as best we can.

OP posts:

Original poster

frightstick · 14/10/2011 12:22

Well he hasn't texted back. However I am enjoying the view from the moral high ground so will give him until after the weekend.

OP posts:

PetiteRaleuse · 14/10/2011 12:41

frightstick are you my sister?

Oh, I see you texted him to apologise my sister wouldn't do that.

My brother sounds very similar. I used to basically walk on eggshells when talking to him as he takes offence easily and never apologises for anything. Then one day I thought oh FFS I'm just going to tell him what I think and if he doesn't like it he can fuck off.

So I was much happier from then on. Most times we contact each other now he ends up getting offended and either being very rude or cutting off communication. I wait for him to come back to me.

Basically, it's time our brothers grew up. Don't feel guilty about this - it is h that has the problem.

Original poster

frightstick · 14/10/2011 21:15

Thanks petite, that makes me feel better.

Now have wine, feel much better.

OP posts:

PetiteRaleuse · 15/10/2011 12:55

Just out of interest is he the youngest in the family?

Original poster

frightstick · 15/10/2011 14:04

No, I am by nearly 15 years .

Our parents are both dead and I have kind have fallen into the 'responsible adult' role.

But I am not my mother

OP posts:

perfumedlife · 15/10/2011 14:07

God he sounds like a whiny, self obsessed bore (sorry, he's your brother and you love him). Does he just want to whinge on at you, with no expectation of your opinion or thoughts? Well, tough. I think you should leave him to grow up.

Original poster

frightstick · 16/10/2011 21:19

right - he texted back, apologising for being annoyed.

But apparently, he just wants someone 'in his corner' and he's going through a really difficult time etc etc etc.

Am I allowed to write to him and tell him that being supportive does not mean agreeing with everything he says and allowing him to talk for hours on end about every minutae of his relationship.

Can I also point out that I am a flat out and harassed mother of two and some support the other way wouldn't go amiss every now and again.

Or should I just let it go!

OP posts:

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