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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not phone someone back if they put the phone down on me.

42 replies

frightstick · 14/10/2011 09:29

Have had argument with my brother - he slammed the phone down.

Actually, it wasn't even an argument, he just didn't like what I was saying.

This was yesterday morning. He hasn't phoned back to apologise.

What's the etiquette in this situation. I'm furious.

OP posts:

Original poster

frightstick · 16/10/2011 21:45

and is it wrong to send someone an email in the middle of Downton Abbey

OP posts:

Lylah · 16/10/2011 22:32

We all need someone in our corner and it's lovely that he sees you in such a way :)

However, your brother needs to be more respectful towards you (I have a real thing about hanging up) and he needs to appreciate that his sister is allowed to have a valid opinion. If he's looking for someone to nod & smile & agree with everything he says, he should use a mirror instead of calling you!

And, just lastly, it wouldn't actually be very kind of you to not be genuine with him. I'm sure he'll see that if he thinks about it. Good luck.

P.S. Good point about support working both ways!

skybluepearl · 16/10/2011 23:41

can you just say that you love him but need him in your corner too

PetiteRaleuse · 17/10/2011 08:39

Yes tell him he needs to learn others' opinions count too even when he doesn't agree with it, and that he needs to show you more respect by not hanging up in the future.

And yes tell him support goes two ways (but then he might come back with 'well you never ask for it')

If he's anything like my little brother he will turn it back against you.

I'm sorry for hanging up on you but but but there's always a but with these people.

And in the end you're the one that feels guilty. Which is very unfair.

Original poster

frightstick · 17/10/2011 21:31

Right - I've emailed him

I wrote one and sent it, then regretted it as I think it went a bit far but when I got home I got an undelivered message as I'd put in the wrong address.

So I redrafted and sent it again. Basically said that he shouldn't have put the phone down on me and not rang back, and that I was supportive in that I gave him a great deal of my time (which I have very little of) and he shouldn't throw it back at me.

We shall see

I did also occur to me whilst I was writing it that I don't need to talk to him about the minutiae of my life as I have Mumsnet for that

OP posts:

piratecaaaaaaaaaghhht · 17/10/2011 21:38

lol frightstick, your thread has made me smile.

esp the bit about Downton Abbey. so selfish!

2rebecca · 17/10/2011 23:01

I agree with Lylah, especially about the fact that you didn't annoy him, he chose to get annoyed by your comments. I suspect I would have left things for a couple of weeks before contacting someone who'd put the phone down on me and only then done it if I thought I had been partly in the wrong.
You can't tiptoe around unreasonable people just in case they get ran over by a bus the next day, after all you might get ran over by a bus tomorrow and then it's a shame you wasted hours on the phone listening to him moan when you could have been with your children.
Maybe be a bit more truthful with him when he's doing the long absorbed phone calls, or cut them shorter.
I don't think anyone should bore anyone else with the minutiae of their lives. Part of being an adult is realising that no-one else finds you and your life as interesting as you do. He sounds a bit stuck in teenage self absorption. If he seems self absorbed to you he probably does to other people in his life like his girlfriend. That's probably the sort of stuff a therapist should be feeding back to him rather than a sister, but I'd still make it clear you have your life to live as well.

Original poster

frightstick · 19/10/2011 11:42

well I haven't heard from him since so fuck him .

I presume he'll come back when he realises he actually has noone to whine at anymore.

OP posts:

PetiteRaleuse · 19/10/2011 11:47

Or if he needs something. That's the usual pattern my end.

kerala · 19/10/2011 11:49

Ooh I have a worse one. My MIL put the phone down on DH (her son) and her 4 year old GD [hshock]. We never quite understood what it was we had done wrong we were never told - honestly we racked our brains and consider ourselves reasonable people who manage not to fall out with anyone else in our lives.

Anyway she never apologised either and now wonders why we dont ring them anymore they always have to ring us. Nutter.

Original poster

frightstick · 19/10/2011 12:26

kerela that's bizarre.

Does your DD just think Granny's a bit odd?

OP posts:

2rebecca · 19/10/2011 12:37

She didn't just get cut off did she? I find it odd that you didn't mention the cutting off incident when you next spoke to her to clarify things. If she told you she was upset and putting phone down I'd have said something like "You put the phone down on x when you last phoned and seemed upset and we don't understand what you were upset about" or got your husband to say that as it was his conversation.

kerala · 19/10/2011 12:46

No she wasnt cut off. It was awful as she was on speaker with DD. We rang back and she wouldnt pick up so Dh sent a very carefully worded gentle email to see how she was but to say she she shouldnt treat us like that. Then she got very angry her viewpoint is that because DH is her son she can treat him how she likes. Honestly I was at that. Our view is that now we are all adults we should have respectful adult relationships with family as we do with everyone else but thats not how it is in her world. There are lots of issues as you can tell...

We told DD that the phone broke.

fruitstick · 01/11/2011 23:14

sorry to drag this thread back up again........

But he still hasn't been in touch. It's been nearly 3 weeks.

What should I do? He has never replied to my email, even to say that he is pissed off. He is clearly either waiting for me to do something or just doesn't want to speak to me because I'm not 'supportive' enough.

Urghh.

WhereYouLeftIt · 01/11/2011 23:44

"What should I do?"
Enjoy the peace and quiet. Let him stew.

2rebecca · 02/11/2011 09:32

Do nothing. His constant phoning and moaning was annoying you, he's now stopped doing it. Get on with your life and leave him to his. He is maybe learning to sort out his own problems.

fruitstick · 02/11/2011 10:10

No, I know, I think I'm just angrier that he can just go away and not contact. It is just so childish.

There was an argument, it needs sorting out, or at least a response to say he doesn't want to sort it out.

But it's the 'you're not useful to me anymore so I'm not going to bother' attitude that is making me more and more angry and therefore making (in my head) what was a grumpy spat something far more serious.

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