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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not to want my in laws in our bedroom?

62 replies

sprinkles77 · 13/10/2011 23:28

Just that really. Came home to find they were visiting DH to observe help with DS's bath time. DS was out of the bath and in his pyjamas. FIL was sat on our bed, MIL just loitering and DH playing on his phone. DS (19 months) was playing with my shoes and hair brushes. All activities that could have been done in DS's room or the sitting room. DH and I are TTC. The bed is a bit . I have charts and thermometers and ovulation predictor kits and moon cup lying about. It's not really the inlaws' fault, though they should really know better. It's DH's.

OP posts:

fedupofnamechanging · 14/10/2011 10:43

I hate other people being in my bedroom. I leave things in there (cards etc) that I don't want other people seeing. It's private.

And I used to hide upstairs and pretend not to be in when my Il's called round, frequently and without invitation or prior notice. It may be rude, but it is also rude to not give people any personal space and to assume that they want to see you all the time.

pommedechocolat · 14/10/2011 11:36

We use the ensuite for dd's bathtimes so a very good friend and both sets of parents have been in there. I just have a whip round before hand and hide anything dodge away.

If people were wondering up there not at bathtime (and not supervised by me!) then I would hate it. MIL went in our wardrobe once when we were out and it still annoys me over a year later.

pranma · 14/10/2011 11:42

Oddly,even though I feel very at home in dd's house and spend two days a week there with just dgc,I feel intrusive if I have to go into their bedroom[eg to find baby monitor].I do feel it is private and always feel obliged to tell them,"Sorry I had to go into your bedroom today to get xxx".They never seem to mind.I suppose I feel YANBU.

applesaretheonlyfruit · 14/10/2011 11:55

FIL sitting on your bed? Ughhh. Everyone has different personal privacy settings and its always surprising when other people just aren't sensitive to possibly violating your space. Your Dh obviously inherited a lackof sensitivity from FIL!

My children, all under 10 treat our bed as a second home, but anyone else is barred.
You're lucky though. My MIL with dementia lives in an annex at our house, and sometimes I find her fumbling into our room at 3am, turning the light on, standing there with her handbag in her nightie, like a slightly mad Queen Mother.

TakeThisOneHereForAStart · 14/10/2011 12:06

tryingtoleave- you're probably quite right, but we'll have to agree to differ on 'best' I'm afraid.

I admit to being totally PFB, but she knew we would rather have a night out slightly disturbed so we could tell her what to do for the best than come home thinking all was well and find our son screaming with exhaustion after she had lied to us about him being asleep.

SnapesMistress · 14/10/2011 12:14

My parents always insist on staying in my bed when they stay, makes me

Chulita · 14/10/2011 12:15

YANBU, my ILS do the same, all crowd into our room while DC's are getting ready for bed. I hate it and have suggested they go back downstairs but they don't. The icing on the cake was when we visited DH's granny and found photos of our bedroom on her coffee table. When I asked MIL she just said "well, I thought Granny would like to see your house" (yes, there were pics of the bathroom too...) [could give examples of this for hours emoticon]

MorrisZapp · 14/10/2011 12:22

Totally agree re the kind sister.

The rule in my family is that when you babysit, your job is to make sure the kid doesn't come to any harm, and that the parents can go out. That's it.

If my sister was to pull cat's bum mouth at me for not adhering to her own settling techniques then I wouldn't bother offering to babysit for the ungrateful git again.

It is wildly unreasonable to expect a kid to go down for a babysitter the same way they go down when they're with their parents.

Calling it 'lying' when she kindly tells you it's all ok so that you can enjoy your night out, well what can one say.

TakeThisOneHereForAStart · 14/10/2011 15:32

"Calling it 'lying' when she kindly tells you it's all ok so that you can enjoy your night out, well what can one say."

One can try saying nothing?

It's months later so the cats bum face is long gone, it wasn't you or your child or your SIL, you were not there, you don't know my child or his sleeping habits or how many other people have babysat with no issues because they listened to what works for him and the only reason he didn't settle this time is because she didn't listen and wouldn't let him. And what else can you call it when someone says the complete opposite of what is really taking place and it has such a bad effect on your child? Whereas telling the truth would have enabled us to give her the right advice to calm him down and get him to bed well before midnight.

I could try and justify it further by saying that she only offered because she needed to earn some extra cash so we paid her etc but then the drip comments will start.

Still I knew when I posted that someone would get their judgey pants out for an airing and then get them all twisted up in their attempts to show how reasonable and unjudgey they are in comparison.

Ah well. You try to make an OP feel better with a personal anecdote...

Chulita · 14/10/2011 16:37

takethisone I'm with you on this one, I think she was taking the mick. We've come back and found DS still up with my mum but he was about 5 months old so it's completely different at that age. If people expect DD to be in bed and asleep as soon as they shut the door they'll have her up all night, she'll prat around in her room til about 9 most nights. I'd expect people to try and keep to the advice/routine unless it goes wrong in which case send a text so we can phone back and decide whether we need to come home or not.

Original poster

sprinkles77 · 14/10/2011 18:34

Thanks for the vindication!

arachnophobic I don't think I could use the mooncup for its intended purpose. I'm putting it in after shagging to keep the swimmers in!

hijackers no worries. I love a good whinge about inlaws!

OP posts:

LineRunner · 14/10/2011 19:06

PILs in my bedroom? I might have started getting undressed in front of them just to see how fast they would fuck off out of it. 'You don't mind me getting changed, do you? I'm fucking covered in sweat.'

somewherewest · 14/10/2011 20:56

I think people are being a little bit precious about their bedrooms. Its not the only room in the house where people have sex {grin].

Maybe its just that I did a PhD and spent six years in student accommodation of what kind or another, where the bedroom was the only room.

MrsJasonBourne · 14/10/2011 21:06

PMSL Linerunner!

Can you add on the end '..from shagging your dirty son!'

FlubbaBubba · 14/10/2011 21:09

I've had to explicitly say to my MIL "please don't go in our room" as she's done exactly what OP's ILs have done and just saw it as another room to play with our DCs in . And MIL has been known to say rather pointedly to the girls when they've run in to our room "no, your mummy doesn't like me going in to her room"

That being said, I'm about to offer our room to my PILs over Christmas (DH and I will hunker down on our son's floor) but as a pathetic attempt to convince them that two of them travelling six hours to us at Christmas for a jolly yummy nosh-up is much better than five of us travelling six hours to them for a less than jolly yummy nosh-up

So, also a highjacker , but no, OP, YANBU :o

Iggly · 14/10/2011 21:20

TakeThis, I would have gone ape if I were you! You were restrained with the cats bum face . one thing - did you say she tried to nurse him to sleep? I read that as BFing, really?

diddl · 14/10/2011 21:27

I think it might depend on how it came about.

Did they follow your husband in there?

Why was he playing on his phone instead of getting them out?

twinklingfairy · 14/10/2011 22:10

My house is titchy, as is my PIL. My DD sleeps in with my MIL when we staty over, so we have had to go in to theirs many a time.
But I always knock, if she is in there, and ask if it is ok to enter.
When they are in our house they would hover around the door before going in.
At my parents I feel a bit nervous about going in, but they are ok with the children going in, or us using the shower or loo, as long as we ask.

Just general politness really.

However, when my DD has friends round. The house is open to them, my bedroom too as long as I am absolutely sure nothing awful has been left lying around

So, I am not sure how I would feel in OPs situation. If DH had allowed them in then I guess I could say nothing, as they would not have entered with out an invite, except to suggest that he ought to have had a look about first [hhmm]
[hblush]

TakeThisOneHereForAStart · 15/10/2011 00:07

Heh! I stole a thread

Iggly - no I think when she said nurse him she meant the "get him in a headlock the crook of her arm and rock him about a bit making cooing noises at him. Which he has never liked even as a tiny baby.

Breastfeeding would probably have worked a treat for getting him to sleep though.

A1980 · 15/10/2011 01:08

The bed is a bit . I have charts and thermometers and ovulation predictor kits and moon cup lying about.

What the hell for? I am single at the moment, no children, no one comes into my bedroom but me. But I still don't leave "personal" items lying around my room in plain sight. I have drawers, I have cupboards and I use them. My mooncup is stored away in the cotton cover it came in at the bank of my underwear drawer. It's sterilised in milton after every use before being put away until the next month too.

Fine if you don't want people in your room, it's your home. But YABU to have a pigsty of a bedroom.

CHANGE YOUR SHEETS. Every couple of days if you have to. It's digusting to leave a bed in a state when it takes 5 mins to change sheets.

Put your thermometers and ovulation kits in a drawer, I trust you have some in your room.

Mooncup lying around in plain sight?! That's beyond belief. Absolutely disgusting.

HTH.

Iggly · 15/10/2011 06:56

A1980 how harsh and judgy. If the mooncup is clean, which im sure it was, does it matter? And so what if charts etc were out? And where did the bit about sheets come from? Unclench your bottom and release the judgy pants from between your buttocks.

Iggly · 15/10/2011 06:59

TakeThis DS is a similar age and would be if someone tried to rock him to sleep like that.

ReelAroundTheFountain · 15/10/2011 07:42

Oh my word YADNBU.

My MIL has in the past wandered round our bedroom deciding what clothes need washing before putting on a totally unnecessary load when she's babysat in the evening.

She also comes into our room in the morning if she stays over and tells us it's time to get up . How she thinks we manage the rest of the time I'm not sure.

Though worse than this my SIL told me if she stays overnight with them she wanders into their room through the night so she can check the time on their digital clock

ToothbrushThief · 15/10/2011 07:55

My lovely but nosy DM used to mind DC after school. I'd come home to find DC downstairs alone and DM upstairs roaming.

I felt invaded. My bedroom is my sanctuary.

People should respect the one room which is private when using/staying in your house. There are plenty of other rooms.

A1980 - I don't have the stuff lying around like the OP but it's her bedroom and if she is happy to live like that she shouldn't be judged by anyone. It's a private space.

It's your DH that you need to talk to OP -about boundaries.

Eglu · 15/10/2011 08:00

Whackamole at least your Mum asks. Mine just goes in my room. Mine is also a tip and my DM is the type to comment on it too.

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