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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Breastfeeding mums shouldn't ask permission, its not like smoking!

79 replies

doylejudith · 13/10/2011 20:42

It annoys me when breastfeeding mums ask permission before they feed. I know I sound mean, and most people are just trying to be polite, but asking permission reinforces a stigma! We are doing the best for our babies, and should never be made to feel bad for it. Breastfeeding is supported by law in public places, so why ask permission? I've even heard mums asking permission in other mums homes, why is this? You are not doing anything wrong or offensive, so get out there and do it freely! Maybe then it will become less of a big deal for everyone.

OP posts:

exoticfruits · 13/10/2011 22:31

Exactly Nellie-what are you expected to do? I can't see the point in asking-you have to do it. I don't do separate rooms.

exoticfruits · 13/10/2011 22:31

I can't imagine anyone FF or bf saying 'you can't feed your baby!'

exoticfruits · 13/10/2011 22:32

All I can see you getting if you ask is 'would you like a separate room?' to which I would say 'no thank you-I am fine here'.

cheeks1 · 13/10/2011 22:36

Each to her own approach I say...but one thing is for sure the 'we support breastfeeding in public' stickers that food establishments CAN put in their windows...ARE FAR TOO SMALL!

BoffinMum · 13/10/2011 22:38

Good grief, do people still ask? Do people still care what bf mothers do?

BeyondLimitsOfTheLivingDead · 14/10/2011 00:10

I've never once asked!! [hshock]

Gosh I'm rude, it's just honestly never occurred to me before!?

minimisschief · 14/10/2011 00:35

Asking if it is ok is common courtesy. If you are at a friends house it is their rules so why wouldn't you ask.

There is nothing wrong with breast feeding but it doesn't mean everyone wants to see you do it.

Same applies to anything else you do in a friends house

PetisaPumpkinHead · 14/10/2011 01:55

YANBU, I am very courteous I think but would never ask if it's ok to feed my baby. I just get on with it with no fuss. I agree, you shouldn't need to ask permission. Imagine asking "Is it ok if I just give my baby a drink of water from her sippy cup?" Your friend would think you were barking.

PetisaPumpkinHead · 14/10/2011 01:56

Of course if you want to go to a separate room you ask. But that's not about the bf it's about wandering around your friends' house without asking permission, which of course would be rude

nooka · 14/10/2011 02:12

If you are asking for the sake of it then that just seems utterly pointless, because 'no' is not really an option when it comes to the answer. So that's not actually terribly polite. If I have a visitor with a small baby I expect at some point for them to need to feed. If I don't like breastfeeding I shouldn't ask them to visit really because it's highly likely (I hope) to happen.

I guess I could imagine saying something like 'is this chair OK for me to feed the baby' perhaps, but otherwise 'I'm just going to feed the baby' gives sufficient warning for the squeamish surely?

Robotindisguise · 14/10/2011 04:14

People can be weird though, no point pretending they can't. I was round at a very old, close friend's house, with another very close friend. DD about 8 months old. They'd already expressed surprise I was "still" feeding her (ie more than six months, which one of them seemed to think was the maximum), and when I did start to feed her (we were all sat on easy chairs) they got up abruptly ANC went and stood in the kitchen.

Mishy1234 · 14/10/2011 06:59

It's a tricky one and I do see what you mean OP.

I will just get on with bf if I'm in a public place or in someone's home where I know it's ok. If in someone's home who I don't know, I do usually ask just to be polite.

NinkyNonker · 14/10/2011 07:53

This is just another stick to beat women with. How dare you ask/notify/insert word of choice here your host you are going to feed your child you attention seeking breastfeeding underminer.

AnyoneButLulu · 14/10/2011 08:10

YANBU unless you're going to want to leave the room to do it for whatever reason. But I might ask if I was in a room full of elderly male relatives who I didn't know well (actually I might leave the room), and I would certainly ask in a work context where they have the power to hire and fire you if they don't like your attitude (once bf in a job interview and damn right I asked first).

Andrewofgg · 14/10/2011 08:34

AnyoneButLulu forgive my curiosity but (1) was the interviewer male or female (2) did you get the job and (3) if not did you think that was why not?

AnyoneButLulu · 14/10/2011 08:41

Female, yes, but actually of course it was a bit more complicated than a straight "see an advert and apply" interview, I'd worked for them in the past though I hadn't met my prospective boss before.

Andrewofgg · 14/10/2011 08:46

Thanks for this!

Asking was not mere curiosity. I was once the only male on an interview panel of three where the same thing happened. The job was a traineeship a year ahead so it would not be an issue.

We all studiously refrained from even mentioning it when discussing whom to appoint; after we agreed that she was one of the successful candidates (in fact the strongest in the field by a long margin) the other two then started arguing about it, one of them very disapproving. I left them to it and kept slient!

loveglove · 14/10/2011 08:56

Permission isn't needed, but it's nice to be warned that the boobs are being unleashed!

loveglove · 14/10/2011 08:58

Especially in the company of family ie: I'd feel odd about doing it in front of my DB so I'd probably leave the room or give him the option to.

seaweedhead · 14/10/2011 08:58

I've had someone ask if I minded them breastfeeding when I was a guest in their home

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 14/10/2011 09:08

I ask. Mainly because the first time I breastfed at a friend's house was when we were all sat having lunch & all three of us (me, her and LO) ended up covered in breastmilk when she tried to take him off me ("I'll take care of him while you finish yours")

She hadnt realised i was feeding and i was too stunned/mouth full of food to verbally argue back and too busy balancing food & grappling baby to phyoscally stop her. It was messy & embarrassing so now I ask as a verbal cue (real meaning: "don't try to take my baby off me!")

It gave me the confidence to feed in public though! I figured I'd she couldn't tell I was feeding while we were sat next to eachother then I wasn't going to expose too much in public.

snailoon · 14/10/2011 09:20

There are lots of adults I don't enjoy watching (and hearing) while they eat. People chewing with their mouth open-- one thing I just can't stand, and it really makes me uncomfortable.
Babies are gorgeous when they feed.

notcitrus · 14/10/2011 09:45

I would have asked where would be a good place to feed, back when I was still getting the hang of it and there was likely to be squirting and more visible breastage than I like to show in public. A room without the best carpet in someone's house was much more relaxing!

Until the time I was in a crowded GP waiting room and ds was screaming, when I concluded the people around me would prefer potential squirtage to the noise.
Once I was good at it then I'd just mention I was about to feed, as my dad in particular liked to nip out of the room until ds was safely latched on and then he'd return in the knowledge he wasn't risking seeing anything he didn't want to think about. Getting me a glass of water was a good excuse. :)

OryxCrake · 14/10/2011 10:01

ATruth - that is funny (bet it wasn't at the time, though) and a very good reason to ask it you think it might happen!

When I was at the bf stage with my two it honestly never occurred to me to ask - it just didn't ever strike me as something I needed to do. Hope people didn't think I was rude. Even elderly relatives didn't seem to bat an eyelid as far as I recall.

I found it was something I could do fairly discreetly as long as I was wearing a loose t-shirt. Until my babies got to the pulling-off-the-breast-to-grin-at-everyone-in-the-room stage, that is.

hardboiledpossum · 14/10/2011 10:11

I've been asked to feed in a different room and been told that there is a room upstairs that I can feed in at peoples houses, so now I just ask.

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