Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Breastfeeding mums shouldn't ask permission, its not like smoking!

79 replies

doylejudith · 13/10/2011 20:42

It annoys me when breastfeeding mums ask permission before they feed. I know I sound mean, and most people are just trying to be polite, but asking permission reinforces a stigma! We are doing the best for our babies, and should never be made to feel bad for it. Breastfeeding is supported by law in public places, so why ask permission? I've even heard mums asking permission in other mums homes, why is this? You are not doing anything wrong or offensive, so get out there and do it freely! Maybe then it will become less of a big deal for everyone.

OP posts:
MamaMaiasaura · 13/10/2011 21:15

Yanbu.

ItWasABoojum · 13/10/2011 21:15

'Why would you need to ask to feed your own baby? Unless you needed their boobs?!'

Like NinkyNonker said - you're in their home, it's polite to check. It doesn't mean you think you're doing a shameful thing, just that you're acknowledging you're making yourself comfortable in someone else's space.

ItWasABoojum · 13/10/2011 21:19

check ask. Not actually 'checking' anything, of course.

manicinsomniac · 13/10/2011 21:21

I don't know, I think it's polite to ask.

But I think someone would be within their rights to go ahead, even if the answer was no.

PelvicFlAAAAARGHOfSteel · 13/10/2011 21:23

It's never occurred to me to ask, what on earth would you do if someone said 'no'?

Trills · 13/10/2011 21:23

I imagine that "asking permission" is not really asking so much as warning.

"Do you mind?"

"Actually I do"

"Well you'll mind a hell of a lot more if she starts screaming so you'd best get over it"

NinkyNonker · 13/10/2011 21:37

Yes that's a good way of putting it, I don't see it as asking as much as politely notifying. Dd still comes first, I'd still have fed her regardless!

mamadoc · 13/10/2011 21:39

I don't ask. I think it is implied that anyone who is happy to have me and my baby in their house has to accept that said baby may need to be fed.
The only completely fair comparison is whether you would ask permission to bottle-feed.
Anywhere that you can bottle feed you should be able to breast feed. Same rules exactly should apply.

HoHoLaughingMonster · 13/10/2011 21:43

Agree with mamadoc.

I wouldn't (and haven't) asked. I wouldn't ask to bottle feed my baby either (unless I wanted to warm the bottle or something). It's only the same.

TimeWasting · 13/10/2011 21:45

Hmm.

'I hope you don't mind..'

'Actually I do'

'I'm sorry you'll feel uncomfortable then.'

Polite, but affirmative?

SlinkingOutsideInSocks · 13/10/2011 21:49

God, some people are touchy.

Nowhere was breastfeeding being compared with going to the bloody loo. It was just highlighting the social mores of being polite and 'requesting' permission in somone else's home. It could easily have been anything, a cup of tea, the use of some hot water or a cup of tea, but damn, someone mentions the loo and people get all offended.

I say this as someone who's still b/feeding their 14 MO and who will or won't ask/mention the need to b/feed depending on the social situation I'm in.

If it's all the same with you OP, I'll use my own wit and wherewithal to judge each situation on its merits and ask if it seems appropriate. So, YABU.

moondog · 13/10/2011 21:51

Yes but Slink, in those cases you are asking to use someone's elses facilities and unless I have completely the wrong end of the stick, one's breasts belong to oneself.

exoticfruits · 13/10/2011 21:53

I can't see what on earth it has to do with toilets.
I never went to a different room and I don't see a need to ask-it isn't as if you need them to do anything.

Uppity · 13/10/2011 21:55

I'd be worried if a breastfeeding mother asked me if I minded if she fed her baby in my home. I'd wonder why I'd given the impression that I might be the sort of arsehole who minded.

ItWasABoojum · 13/10/2011 21:59

One final comparison before I stop digging - answering your phone. Not making use of their facilities, but still doing something personal to you in their space, and something, for that matter, that means you're focussed on something other than your host for a while.

Though the difference is, if someone didn't want me to take a call while I was visiting them I'd think they had a point. If they didn't want someone breastfeeding in their presence I'd think they were a twat.

SHRIIIEEEKPoolingBearBlood · 13/10/2011 22:04

This thread is the first time I have seen bf compared to going to the toilet in a way I actually don't mind :) I think it was perfectly clear they are not equating bfing to having a wee, but the sudden focus on something else.
I don't think I ask, don't know for sure.

glenthebattleostrich · 13/10/2011 22:05

I've never asked for permission, just occasionally mentioned DD needs a feed. It's never really occured to me.

As an aside, I was asked by an NVQ assessor this week if my childminding setting is breastfeeding friendly whilst I was feeding my daughter. Now that's an odd question.

SHRIIIEEEKPoolingBearBlood · 13/10/2011 22:06

In the same way as if I'm at MIL's I don't stand up and say HELLO EVERYONE I AM GOING FOR A WEE, but if I am hvaing a conversation with someone I may say "excluse me", if I am chatting to someone I may say "oh she needs a feed". If I am on my own in the corner being a billy no mates I will just feed her,

Red2011 · 13/10/2011 22:13

Never asked - have just said (if at a friends house) that the baby needed feeding. I haven't got a problem with whipping a nip out as long as it's done politely. I used to have a long scarf that I could arrange myself under and button back up under. However, now DD's more on solids I am only BF first thing in the morning and last thing at night.

mamadoc · 13/10/2011 22:14

Phone call still not a good comparator. I can easily carry on a conversation whilst bf. DS is probably at his least distracting when feeding. OTOH I really hate it when people carry on long phone conversations whilst they're with you- that really is rude.

Eglu · 13/10/2011 22:14

Mamadoc sums it up perfectly. Would you ask to bottle feed? The same rules apply.

Proudnreallyveryscary · 13/10/2011 22:19

But there's nothing wrong with asking is there? What's the problem here?
It's very British...you know 'Do you mind if I sit here?', saying sorry when someone else has barged into you...

So, meh.

notlettingthefearshow · 13/10/2011 22:21

I agree with whackamole - not permission, but just a heads up. Not everyone is that subtle at bf and it's nice to give someone the opportunity to avert their eyes so you aren't faced with your friend's wife's boobs. Nothing wrong with modesty.

ItWasABoojum · 13/10/2011 22:24

Of course it's rude to carry on a long phone conversation - but most people wouldn't think it rude to answer, tell whoever that you'll call them back, and hang up. The point is, you're removing your focus from them, however briefly, and I don't think it does any harm to acknowledge that.

Incidentally, I would ask to bottle feed. For the exact same reason.

NellieForbush · 13/10/2011 22:28

As far as I'm concerned if someone has invited you and your baby into their house it is implicit that the said baby will need feeding at some point.

Swipe left for the next trending thread