To not want ex husband to stay at my house?

[mrscturner]

Bit of A packed post as I don't want to drip feed.

Long story short - was married to exh for nine years and we have one ds who is nine. Exh and I had a completely sexless marriage, the last timewe slept together was when ds was conceived. Really shouldn't have married him but I did for very long and complicated reasons.

We got on ok for the sake of ds, but being with someone I didn't like for all those years (he's very condescending, mean, arrogant, constantly made me feel inferior, eroded my self esteem and made me feel worthless) almost drove me insane.

Anyhow, I met my now dp out of the blue last year and it was like my life started again. Exh and I divorced and I moved away with ds to my 'home' city where dp was living to move in with dp. Ds adores dp and is very settled and happy.

We moved in august. Exh owned the 'marital' home, it was all in his name so he was keeping hold of it while he decided what to do (it's not something I want to fight over, it's in a place I hated living and there is no equity anyway). The plan was for him to move to the city I had as that's where the majority of his work is when he's not working abroad. He has since changed his mind as he wanted to move back to Manchester as all his friends live there. Although, now he had met a woman where he's living at the moment, so who knows.

Anyway so we have an arrangement were he has ds every other weekend. Exh mostly takes him to the other side of the country to stay with his family or friends on those weekends. When he does, he usually expects to come here and stay at my house on a Friday night so he can head of with ds on the sat morning to save having to double back on himself and spend more petrol money.

He's done this about five times since we moved and it's really beginning to piss me off. It's so awkward. Exh was vile to me and although dp is civil to him for the sake of ds, he witnessed some quite nasty behaviour and tbh doesn't want ex h in our house.

Ex h is pleading poverty (despite going to see friends 200 miles away and get drunk on the weekends doesn't have ds and boasting about the places he's been with his new partner) and says the only way he couldn't stay here is if I payed for petrol for him or payed for a hotel. At the moment I am on benefits (trying to find work, but when we were together exh didn't want me to work and tbh made me feel to stupid too) and I just cannot afford to. As far as I knew, exh was going to move to the area I am now living fairly fast so he would be near ds.

He's also holding ds maintainance over me. He has a warped sense of entitlement as as he sees it he's 'contributing' to the rent.

I don't know what to do. If I don't let him stay he'll start saying that I am restricting his access to ds which I'm not. I will happily let him take ds tomorrow after school for the weekend but I don't feel comfortable with him staying here.

The last time he stayed, dp and I went to a friends house for the evening and dh proceeded to tell mutual friends about how dp and I couldn't wait to get out and get a break from ds. He also snooped though my paperwork to find out what benefits I was recieving (he's not good at covering his tracks and knows things he'd never know unless he'd read letters from the council).

I really don't know what to do.

I do understand the issue of cost. But at the moment after rent and bills we have around £50 - £60 per week for the three of us for food etc. So giving ex h the £40 every two weeks that he's asked for for petrol costs would mean that we had only £20 ish per week two weeks per month. When I explained that to him, that's when he said he was concerned I could look after ds properly on no money.

I've posted on here about our troubles finding a Place to rent which would accept housing benefit many times before, it's horrendous trying to find somewhere. This flat costs a bomb but it was the only place we could find. We only found three flats who would accept HB in 10 weeks of searching a 15 mile radius of dps uni, it was so hard. I am applying for jobs everyday and dp finished uni next summer and will find a job in his field fairly easily so it will be a struggle for a while.

I know that none of that is ex h problem, but I can't magic money from nowhere. When we moved in he was talking to agents about available flats in the area and was looking at moving here within 6 weeks...then he changed his mind.

I wasn't slating exh's parenting, I was trying to explain why ds was so happy living with dp and so happy with the situation when yes it's true, most children are pretty traumatised by divorce.

Ex h was always in his study 'working' (watching dvds and playing online games) when I lived there. I had hoped he'd spend more time with ds now, but ds says he's been on his own all weekend at his dads.

I was just trying to explain the dp is great at spending time with ds, which is why ds is so happy and well adjusted despite the divorce.

No no no no no!
Do it by email and then don't answer him.
Tell him what is acceptable and just let him rant and rave and not take you to court.
Explain to ds the situation as much as he can understand too, he will get it you know.

You have to do this now or you will lose you lovely set up as it is now with your lovely sounding dp.
You can stop him and stop the arguing by not engaging.
Harder to do than to say but do it!

Remember that this is a man threatening all sorts of disruption if he doesn't get his own way. He can fuck off and suck it up. A nice man struggling to see his DC would not snoop through private papers, threaten to seek custody, try to insist on having a say in how maintenance is spent. He's a dick, don't bother reasoning with him, just tell him what's going to happen and stick to it.

I would say no, this cannot continue. He has to find another way.

He should make up his mind move near your ds so he can see him more easily or near his friends. He is a grown up ffs why should you accommodate him.

Goodness me, whereyouleftit, not all dads have to be footy playing Disney perfect daddies. You can make a big effort but kids can tell and it doesn't last so you be yourself and they generally accept and love you all the same. The time the ds spends with his dad is certainly worth a damn to him I'm sure. The fact that he also appreciates the dp's involvement won't detract from that, nor will the op's low opinion of his parenting style. I'm reminded of that recent Hilary mantel doc where she said her father gave her the ability to just sit with another person, doing nothing, and when he was replaced by the new father she felt that loss hugely. Don't mean the ds here will feel that, sounds like he's positively embracing having two different styles, but I just don't believe you can write him off as a useless dad on what we've heard.

Going off on a tangent here - if you are home educating then you are supposed to educate them. If your son was spending 4 school days out of 10 with his dad, who wasn't doing anything whatsoever with him, surely that is very, very wrong?

I am not home educating anymore. Another part of the story is that ex h was very supportive of home ed, it was the best thing for ds at the time for a number of reasons. that was until I moved out - then he changed his tune and said he'd never agreed to it in the first Place (depite being very vocal about how great home ed was to friends and family for the past six years) and that I had to put him in school. So I did and ds got a place and started school this week. It was another thing that ex h thought he could hold over me and control.

Home ed doesn't have to take place on 'school' days or for set hours days per week. Ds stayed with ex h fri to wed only a few times anyway (three imes since mid aug I thought it would help ds adjust to the new situation an ease him into the every other weekend arrangent slowly) and we did his work around those times no problem.

Anyway, ex h is supposed to be meeting me at the new school at three to pick up ds and then come back here. He says he has no money to take ds out for something to eat or whatever, and he'll be in his work suit so he can't take ds to the park so he will be here all evening.

It has to be the last time. DP was working it what room he would sit in to do his uni work etc, to keep out of ex he way. This is dps home it's so wrong.

I'm stil back to the old problem of that if I say he can't stay he'll tell ds he can't see him and that I am the reason why.

Also, Ex h wanted to come here at half past one and sit and wait until it was time to walk to the school. Dp will be at uni this afternoon(very important thing for his course today and i dont want him to miss it) and I don't want to be alone with him so now I have to go and walk around town for an hour and a half as I said I'd be out. He said he'd park up outside my house to wait until school finish so I can't even stay here.

I can't carry on like this.

He is trying (and IMO succeeding) to control you. See it for what it is. He doesn't have to come to yours at half past one, but he can and he chooses to because he WANTS to put you on edge.

It's probably too late for this visit, but for the future, sit down and think through what crap he comes out with and be prepared to counter it. For example:
Him : I have no money to take DS out for something to eat.
You : Well make sure you bring sandwiches for yourself from home, I will feed DS and you can pick him up after he has eaten.

Him : I will be in my work suit so can't take DS to park and so will have to be in your house all evening.
You : Why didn't you bring some casual clothes in your car, you culd have got changed in the loos at work? Never mind, I'm sure DS won't expect you to be rolling around in the mud, you can still push a swing/kick a ball wearing a suit, you know.

Him : You can't spare £40 every two weeks to contribute to my petrol? I have grave concerns about how you can afford to look after DS and maybe he shouldn't be living with you.
You : You told me you had no money to take DS out for something to eat. I have grave concerns that you do not prioritise DS's needs because you seem to piss it all up the wall with your friends in Manchester.

I realise this will not be easy as he has belittled you for years, which is why I'm suggesting thinking ahead for next time. He does sound quite predictable, so you should be able to forecast the more likely things he will throw at you?

another to say, sorry but you did choose to move his son 200 miles away.

I think the fact he was shit to you has muddied the water a bit here, right so he was a shit ex, so that means he gets all he deserves?

Its very very hard, and I get you dont want to be abused.

But he loves his son right? and you did move his son 200 miles away.

I would suggest a negotiation with him. Negotiate whats right with regards to child support, then negotiate a cut such that you are paying 50% of his hotel costs fopr the 2 Friday nights PM.

anyway, thats what I think would be fair.

everyone is calling him ABUSIVE, ffs it might just be thats he's a an arsehole, not nice, but not necessarily abusive FFS

porc read th thread he is displaying emotionally abusive bullying tactics to get what he wants and the op is firghtened of him
OP please phone womens aid to help you find the way and the words to explain to that man how you will not be tolerating this anymore.

He really is awful. You must feel you're not emotionally safe in your own home, with him trying to stay all the time. I would hate having him there, particularly overnight.