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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want ex husband to stay at my house?

64 replies

mrscturner · 13/10/2011 12:59

Bit of A packed post as I don't want to drip feed.

Long story short - was married to exh for nine years and we have one ds who is nine. Exh and I had a completely sexless marriage, the last timewe slept together was when ds was conceived. Really shouldn't have married him but I did for very long and complicated reasons.

We got on ok for the sake of ds, but being with someone I didn't like for all those years (he's very condescending, mean, arrogant, constantly made me feel inferior, eroded my self esteem and made me feel worthless) almost drove me insane.

Anyhow, I met my now dp out of the blue last year and it was like my life started again. Exh and I divorced and I moved away with ds to my 'home' city where dp was living to move in with dp. Ds adores dp and is very settled and happy.

We moved in august. Exh owned the 'marital' home, it was all in his name so he was keeping hold of it while he decided what to do (it's not something I want to fight over, it's in a place I hated living and there is no equity anyway). The plan was for him to move to the city I had as that's where the majority of his work is when he's not working abroad. He has since changed his mind as he wanted to move back to Manchester as all his friends live there. Although, now he had met a woman where he's living at the moment, so who knows.

Anyway so we have an arrangement were he has ds every other weekend. Exh mostly takes him to the other side of the country to stay with his family or friends on those weekends. When he does, he usually expects to come here and stay at my house on a Friday night so he can head of with ds on the sat morning to save having to double back on himself and spend more petrol money.

He's done this about five times since we moved and it's really beginning to piss me off. It's so awkward. Exh was vile to me and although dp is civil to him for the sake of ds, he witnessed some quite nasty behaviour and tbh doesn't want ex h in our house.

Ex h is pleading poverty (despite going to see friends 200 miles away and get drunk on the weekends doesn't have ds and boasting about the places he's been with his new partner) and says the only way he couldn't stay here is if I payed for petrol for him or payed for a hotel. At the moment I am on benefits (trying to find work, but when we were together exh didn't want me to work and tbh made me feel to stupid too) and I just cannot afford to. As far as I knew, exh was going to move to the area I am now living fairly fast so he would be near ds.

He's also holding ds maintainance over me. He has a warped sense of entitlement as as he sees it he's 'contributing' to the rent.

I don't know what to do. If I don't let him stay he'll start saying that I am restricting his access to ds which I'm not. I will happily let him take ds tomorrow after school for the weekend but I don't feel comfortable with him staying here.

The last time he stayed, dp and I went to a friends house for the evening and dh proceeded to tell mutual friends about how dp and I couldn't wait to get out and get a break from ds. He also snooped though my paperwork to find out what benefits I was recieving (he's not good at covering his tracks and knows things he'd never know unless he'd read letters from the council).

I really don't know what to do.

OP posts:
ballstoit · 13/10/2011 13:42

'I have decided that it is no longer appropriate for you to stay in my home. I believe that DS finds it confusing, and I find it distressing that you have looked through private paperwork. You are welcome to collect DS on Friday night or Saturday morning, please let me know which is convenient for you. mrscturner'

Do not argue, do not apologise...it's your home, and he is no longer welcome in it. He is, of course, welcome to collect DS at his convenience and you are not restricting his access.

Please feel free to refer him to me if he'd like to argue, as after ex-H's nobhead behaviour last weekend, I'd be delighted to kneecap someone else's controlling ex Grin

pinkdelight · 13/10/2011 13:44

"What he has been holding over me is the fact that I was the one who took ds to live 200 miles away.

He's told me that his solicitor said that a) he should have not allowed it and b) that I should bear half the travel costs or drop off/pick up ds half the time or half the way...

... I told ex h I couldn't do it as we are on benefits until I can find a job and dp finishes uninand gets a job..."

I'm sorry but though some of the earlier stuff does make him unreasonable, am I the only one who thinks this bit is fairly reasonable? You did take DS 200 miles away and so you should shoulder some of the responsibility for making sure DS still sees his dad. Your financial situation is not his fault and should have been factored into your decision to move. Why should he lose his DS and foot the whole bill? Really? Is that right? Putting aside all the emotional stuff between you and just focusing on his relationship with your DS, I mean.

ballstoit · 13/10/2011 13:47

He'd pay 12% of gross income if calcualted throught the CSA, if he won't pay when you don't let him stay, take it to them to sort it for you.

ballstoit · 13/10/2011 13:49

I'd agree with you pinkdelight except that he DID agree to it, was planning to move himself and regularly visits for business anyway. It's not the op's fault (or her DS or DP's) that he's changed his mind.

ColdToast · 13/10/2011 13:50

Pinkdelight - The OP says that the plan was for the ex to move too but that he changed his mind because he didn't want to leave his friends:

"The plan was for him to move to the city I had as that's where the majority of his work is when he's not working abroad. He has since changed his mind as he wanted to move back to Manchester as all his friends live there. Although, now he had met a woman where he's living at the moment, so who knows."

littlemisssarcastic · 13/10/2011 13:51

Does your XP do both drop off and pick ups OP? (800 mile round trip over a weekend?)

Original poster
mrscturner · 13/10/2011 13:51

pinkdelight ds has coped very well. Mainly because he didn't have a normal mum and dad. We got on ok ish for his sake, but we never hugged, kissed, spent time together.

Ex h is a loving father but he never had much time for ds, never tooK him to the park etc. Even when he has ds for the weekend and they go to his house, he just sits ds on his own in front of the playstation all day while he watches DVDs on his laptop in his study. He tells ds he's working, and like a mug, when ds asks me I back ex h up as I don't want ds to feel bad.

Dp is totally different an loves taking ds to play football, chatting to him, spending time with him and as a family. That's why ds has been so happy. It's not something dp has done on purpose, he's the same with his nephews all his family are like that. It's lovely and has made ds a very happy boy.

Until this week ds was home educated, so he's actually been with ex h quite a lot - I was letting him take him on a fri and bring him back one a wednesday so I have been more than reasonable up to now and will continue to be with holidays etc. I am not trying to replace ex h with dp not at all.

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 13/10/2011 13:53

pinkdelight, I agree that it is fairly reasonable, except that in the OP there was "The plan was for him to move to the city I had as that's where the majority of his work is when he's not working abroad." So mrscturner did have reasonable expectations that her XH would also be moving to the same city as she and DS, so there would not have been a 200 mile distance to cover for access visits. XH then changed his mind - given that the majority of his work is in the city where OP and DS reside, I would think that a court might consider that the 200 miles is now down to the choice of the XH and not the OP.

littlemisssarcastic · 13/10/2011 13:53

I would be very careful about letting your XH have DS from Friday until Wednesday. Doesn't that affect your benefits?

cuteboots · 13/10/2011 13:55

Hi just had to comment on this one as Im going through a similar thing and have just told my little boys dad I dont want him staying at my house on weekends anymore . He has now stopped all contact with his son which is really upsetting but I know long term we are better off with out him. Be strong and I hope you get this sorted

Original poster
mrscturner · 13/10/2011 13:56

When dp and I were looking for a flat in this area, ex h was also looking so he could live within a few streets of ds.

His head office is in this city and he always said he wanted to move near this area.

He has since changed his mind as he wants to live near his friends in another city (or stay where he is due to meeting new partner).

I can't help that he changed his mind.

We are financially struggling as we have to top up housing benefit by almost half the amount again. It was a struggle finding anywhere to rent who would accept housing benefit in the first place and the cheaper places we found ex h vitoed as he said he wouldnt allow ds to live there (one was a flat above a shop, the other had a mild damp problem).

OP posts:
Original poster
mrscturner · 13/10/2011 14:00

The Friday to wednesday thing was only for a few visits while we were waiting for a school place. I happened three times sinks mid Aug, I was trying to make the transition easier for ds. He's at school as of this week, so it will be everyother weekend.

The plan was for exh to live nearby and have ds everyother weekend and a night in the week. That's even in our divorce papers understand provisions for children.

OP posts:
pinkdelight · 13/10/2011 14:01

Fair enough, but you could still read that the impetus to move there came from the OP, the exH went along with it until his circumstances changed and is in no way compelled to move just because he was being more reasonable previously. They now have to make access arrangements work together somehow and the OP can't just say sorry, we're skint, you do all the running. That's not fair, is it? From the OP's recent post, it sounds like he's a decent dad. Comparisons with DP, whom she is now in love, with are a bit odious. Though again, it's good that the DS is coping well through all of this.

Robotindisguise · 13/10/2011 14:04

I would stick to the paperwork issue. Email saying that following his staying in your house, he has made it clear he is aware of your personal financial situation in a way that can oy have come about as a result of going through your private papers. This is an unacceptable breach of privacy and accordingly you do not wish to have him stay at your house again.

BertieBotts · 13/10/2011 14:14

If he goes to court for contact, it's likely he'd get every other weekend and a night in the week anyway. I would really not stress massively over this. Courts don't remove children from families they have been living with for years just to place them with the other parent, without very good reason (ie evidence of harm on your part). I think your EXH is using the threat of court to get you to comply with what he wants.

Do you have a solicitor yourself/could use the initial free half hour, maybe, to just go through what he has said and see how it matches up to how the actual system works?

If it's in your divorce papers that he was planning to live nearby, then there's a record of it.

Original poster
mrscturner · 13/10/2011 14:43

littlemisssarcastic he's never driven from his home purely to drop off/pick up.

He often has work meetings in my city on a fri so will pick ds up ayer and drive home.he works from home a lot ie anywhere with Internet so will often drop ds off then drive on to stay with his mates the next city etc.

It's rare he takes ds back to his house, he usually picks him up then takes him off to see family/friends and drops him off on the way home.

OP posts:
Original poster
mrscturner · 13/10/2011 14:48

The problem with him wanted to stay here arises when his friends family are busy on a fri night and so he can't stay over and doesn't want to have to double back on himself.

He insisted that his weekends with his were fri sat sun not just sat and sun

OP posts:
wakeupandsmellthecoffee · 13/10/2011 15:15

You and I both know you should say NO but the wicked side of me says you should wait until Ds is fast asleep and then you and DP should go to be and have VERY NOISEY and Rampant SEX . With lots of oohs and ahhs thrown in for good measure .
Come out of the bedroom for a cup of tea and then go back in and do it all over again . Watch the little controlling tosspot squirm .

Gonzo33 · 13/10/2011 15:22

You need to be strong here and not let him barge into your life like this. It is up to you and your DP to decide where you live. He should not be interfering in that unless it is dangerous for your DS.

In relation to him staying overnight at yours, well I think you have been a bit of a doormat. My exh was exactly the same as yours (also violent) and I didn't ever let him over the threshold of mine and my DS's home. You need to stand firm now, but also be diplomatic. Make sure you email him or put it in writing that he is no longer able to stay at your home but that he is welcome to contact with your DS as per usual timings.

solidgoldbrass · 13/10/2011 15:36

It's never worth the stress of trying to reason with an unreasonable abusive man. Just do everything in writing and via lawyers and document everything.

This man will not get his own way over things like custody and maintenance. Ignore what he says, he's a knob and has demonstrated this repeatedly. Don't let him in your house. He has no right to set foot over the threshold. Email him saying that he is not welcome in your house due to his behaviour, it is not up for discussion, and that all communications regarding his access to DS are to be conducted via email in future. If he phones you, hang up on him, ignore texts etc. THe way to deal with bullies is to stonewall them and treat them with calm smiling indifference.

HerScaryness · 13/10/2011 15:41

This man is now not only bullying you, but your DS AND your DP!

STOP him!

The MN patented phrases for this are:

(a) That doesn't work for me

(b) No is a complete sentence.

Grin

Keep it simple. Let him rant, let him rave, refuse to be held hostage by this pillock.

I can't believe he vetoed apartments for you to rent... as if it's HIS decision? If he wants you to say somewhere proper then 15% of his earnings is NOT going to do it now is it? Tell the dickwad to put up or STFU.

Come on love, you need to stand up for your family.

CheeseandPickledOnion · 13/10/2011 15:50

I'm afraid I agree with pinkdelight. The fact that his plans have changed are by the by.

You choose to move 200 miles away and I do feel that you should share the burden of that travel cost with your exH.

Jackstini · 13/10/2011 16:02

Wakeup - that made me laugh Wink
Might work mrsct....
Otherwise you just need to repeat;
No you can't stay at OUR home
We prefer our home to be private
That will not work for us
etc. etc.
And don't apologise

WhereYouLeftIt · 13/10/2011 17:47

"From the OP's recent post, it sounds like he's a decent dad. "

How so, pinkdelight? Confused OP wrote "Ex h is a loving father but he never had much time for ds, never tooK him to the park etc. Even when he has ds for the weekend and they go to his house, he just sits ds on his own in front of the playstation all day while he watches DVDs on his laptop in his study. He tells ds he's working, and like a mug, when ds asks me I back ex h up as I don't want ds to feel bad." She calls him loving I'll grant you, but 'handsome is as handsome does' ;and sitting DS down to stare at a screen in one room whilst he stares at a screen in another room doesn't qualify as loving to me. Or even caring. Or companionable. Or involved. Or worth a damn to DS.

Happylander · 13/10/2011 18:01

I do think that as you have moved your DS away from his father that you could at least offer some towards his petrol costs. It is both parents responsibilities to maintain contact as this is what is best for your DS.

I say this from someone who watches the heartache my DH goes through in not seeing his daughter enough as she was moved to N.I. costs over £300 a time for him to see his daughter so it doesn't happen often.

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