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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DSis has organised christening a week after my due date - warning long post

34 replies

chocolatehobnobs · 13/10/2011 08:12

Background. DSis is 3 years younger than me and always been difficult and competitive. E.g. When I got engaged she wa jealous and got engaged 2 months later and organised her wedding in the same church with reception at mum's home too and most of the same guests 10 weeks before our date. Our mum is very family centric and would love us to be closer but always makes excuses for DSis behaviour.

She now has 2 DC , I am godmother to DD 1. DD2 is 10 months. I am 38 weeks with DC 1. I have been asking for months when her DD2 christening will be. She did not want to do summer holidays as some of her friends might be on holiday. September was out because she was away for a week and had left it too late to organise and December was too near christmas. She lives 2 hours drive away. I warned her that I would not be able to attend for 3 weeks before and after my due date when we spoke 2 weeks ago. Yesterday mum told me that she has planned christening 6 days after my due date. Mum suggested that I might be able to go but accepted my decision not to.
I'm feel that sis is being selfish. My mum had agreed to come and stay for a week after our DC is born to help and is really excited. Chances are that she will be in the awkward position of choosing helping me / coming to meet new grandchild or going to DN's christening and helping sister prepare food etc. If baby is born within a week of due date my brother who lives 4 hours away will also be very busy / struggle to go to christening and visit us. AIBU and should I tackle her about this?

OP posts:

Northernlurker · 13/10/2011 08:18

It sounds like she is thoughtless rather than downright awful tbh but yes I would say 'Arrgh - do you HAVE to do it then? I am really leaning on mum to be with me' then see what she says. Maybe she will back down.

Oakmaiden · 13/10/2011 08:19

Yes, it sounds very irritating. However, the Christening is only one day, I would try not to stress about it too much. People will decide themselves what they can do, and I am sure everyone will still be delighted to visit you and your new baby. It is possible your baby won't even be born by then, and 2 hours isn't really that far away.

If I were you though I would go to the Christening too - especially if you have a new baby. What a lovely opportunity to let all your family meet your little one! You wouldn't need to stay for long - you could skip the service and just go to the gathering afterwards? (This would also have the result of hijacking any hope your sister has of "upstaging" you - which you seem to feel is her intent).

Flisspaps · 13/10/2011 08:19

How far away does your sister live? If it's not too far (an hour away) then there's no real reason why you can't go if you've not had the baby. Why can you not travel for three weeks before or after your due date

It wouldn't be impossible for your mum to come to stay with you but have one day to go to the Christening.

I don't think you should 'tackle' her - her choice has meant that you might not be able to go, that's that really. I can't imagine she'll now change the date to suit you.

Flisspaps · 13/10/2011 08:20

Ah - I missed the bit where she lives 2 hours away. Still, not impossible for your mum to attend and enjoy the day and have a few days helping you, even if you don't feel that you can go.

incognitofornow · 13/10/2011 08:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

chocolatehobnobs · 13/10/2011 08:26

Fliss its 2 hours away and I'm uncomfortable in the car now and willl be trying to get the hang of BF I imagine. I wouldn't ask mum not to go as you say its only one day although I would be upset if I had the baby the day before and mum couldn't come down. I will be fine of course but I'm irritated that she is playing her usual thunder stealing tricks. She is jealous that mum is knitting for DC when she didn't for her other 4 DC and had a major strop about this...

OP posts:

largeginandtonic · 13/10/2011 08:32

Hmm she does sound a bit selfish. I would ask her what she would do in this situation.

Try not to put your Mum in the middle as she is probably already stressing about it.

I would not go 2 hours away a week before and 2 weeks after my due date either. I agree with others that if you have had the baby then go. Even for a few hours. Although she may accuse you of nicking all the attention That is her problem though, she planned it like that.

In fact say that to her when you talk. You know along the lines of "Of course dsis if i have had the baby then it will be a great opportunity to show him/her off"

Families eh?

AKMD · 13/10/2011 08:34

YANBU to be irritated but surely you must know your sister well enough by now to know that this is par for the course. I have a SIL like this and I was very annoyed to start off with but now I just find her antics vaguely amusing.

As someone else said, people will make their own decisions. If I were your DM I would say to your sister that my attendance at the Christening is dependent on you not having given birth yet, but she might have other ideas of course. I wouldn't worry about your DB too much. It sounds awful but the last thing I wanted when I had just had DS was a house full of visitors, so if you have had your baby by then it might be better for him to come up the next weekend anyway.

I don't blame you for giving the 3 weeks either side window. You never know when babies are going to decide to put in an appearance!

AKMD · 13/10/2011 08:34

"Of course dsis if i have had the baby then it will be a great opportunity to show him/her off"

Yup.

mumofthreekids · 13/10/2011 08:37

I like the idea of taking your newborn to the christening (IF you feel up to it) and stealing your sister's thunder right back!!

Original poster

chocolatehobnobs · 13/10/2011 08:48

AKMD you're right I should be used to her antics now. It is so typical it's almost funny. If the baby is over a week old I might be tempted to go just to annoy her but I probable will want to rest and be available for DH's family to visit. He thinks that I should not drag DM into the middle as she will be upset about this anyway.

OP posts:

diddl · 13/10/2011 08:51

You´re pregnant with your first?

More than likely you´ll be able to cope without your mum if necessary so I wouldn´t worry about that tbh.

I wouldn´t confront your sister.

At the end of the day you´ll either be able to go or not & if you´re the only guest who can´t give a definite yes yet, that´s hardly a problem, is it?

AKMD · 13/10/2011 08:53

I stopped getting annoyed with SIL when she heard I was pregnant and immediately got pregnant herself. Fair play for being so fertile I didn't bother doing the same back when she announced the impending arrival of DC3, although she was dying to know if I would and kept asking when we would be having another one. Choose your cut-off point at which you will snigger at her silliness!

Your DH is right. Let you mum do her own thing.

porcamiseria · 13/10/2011 08:55

just leave it, she has made her decision. you can cope without your Mum for a day surely???? I just think it will create MORE stress to riase it

and dont stop your Mum attending, ypou and a newborn can cope without her for a day

just be very clear that your attendance is TBC, and see how things pan out

goood luck!!!

eosmum · 13/10/2011 09:06

I'd ring her to say how disappointed you are that you might not be able to be there, but if you had your babs a little early you'd be delighted to go and how great an opportunity to show off your new bundle.

paddypoopants · 13/10/2011 09:21

Why would she do that other than to be horrible and trying to take the attention away from you. If there was some pressing urgency she could've apologised and told you.

My sil organised her gigantic wedding 8 hours drive away for 2 weeks after my due date PIL first gc. PIL went along with her despite her having alternative dates and they all put soooo much pressure on us to go. In the end ds was born a week before the wedding and my MIL first words to me in the hospital was "Great now you can go to the wedding" WTF?? Despite my anaemia, low bp, multiple stitches and bfing round the clock - we were still expected to go.

Needless to say we didn't. I am still angry about it years later and I wish I had summoned the courage at the time to say what I thought.

So I think for your sanity you just say ' Of course we can't come as I explained to you. I take it you don't want us there or you wouldn't have chosen that date.'

On the other hand if you do pop early and you're feeling ok I think you should go because undoubtedly that would really piss her off as all the attention would be on you.

skybluepearl · 13/10/2011 09:21

I'd accept the invitation as a chance to show new baby off but then completely play it by ear and see how you feel on the morning. Tell family this is what you are doing. You might be up to a trip or not, either way don't stress.

Original poster

chocolatehobnobs · 13/10/2011 09:29

paddypoopants great name - its exactly the same principle although yours was much worse. Good advice I think. I'm not so stressed about it just exasperated! Just spoke to DM and said I understood that she will need to go and hopefully it will all work out ok timing wise.

OP posts:

HeadlessForHocusPocus · 13/10/2011 10:03

She has done this on purpose imo, so that you can't make it with a gorgeous newborn and "steal her thunder". She couldn't make it before as she'd left it too late, so by booking it 6 days after your due date she is hoping you haven't had baby or will be recovering and be unable to come.

I would pull out all the stops to make the christening if I'd had the baby before, but I do have a childish streak

mummytotwoboys · 13/10/2011 10:10

I really hope you have had the baby so you can go and show it off then you may be able to upstage her for once but im evil

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 13/10/2011 10:47

I suspect that if you tell her how much you are looking forward to bringing your new baby to the christening ("how lovely of you, dsis, to organise dn2's christening so I'll be able to be there with my little bundle of joy"), she will reorganise the christening date quick-smart, for fear that your tiny newborn will get some attention from the christening guests! Note - you don't have to tell her that you won't want to travel 2 hours either way with a brand new baby! [evil genius emoticon]

GreenBlueRed · 13/10/2011 10:56

Will your dh be at home for a while after the birth? If so, you won't need your mum there all the time, and for her to spend a couple of days helping your sister with food and being there for the christening won't be a problem. It would be nice for you to go to, but see how you feel. It does sound like she only had a narrow window for organising dates, so don't necessarily assume it was just to spite you.

aldiwhore · 13/10/2011 11:05

I think the advice of 'you can't plan anything so concentrate on yourself' is the ONLY way really to avoid dragging your mum into the frey.

If you haven't had your baby and are not up to going, don't go. If you've had your baby decide THEN whether you want to attend or not.

In future, as there will always be more irritants, you can manage them somewhat by leaving your sister a little in the dark about future plans. Which may also mean that you don't give dates of parties etc to your mum until the last possible minute as well!

As for what you say to Dsis next SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius is spot on. [hgrin]

Oblomov · 13/10/2011 11:08

This would nark anyone. But realistically, what can you do ? Nothing. Other than vent your anger to us, which we will agree with you. Practically. Try to let this go. Take the moral high ground her. I am LOVING hte idea of stealing her thnder, and you turning up, with your newborn. That would piss her off something cronic, wouldn't it. But realistically, lets not focus on thta too much, because its out of your control. Box, and sideline,s all these issues. Is your mum coming to stay, your brother travelling down ? Are you going to start ringing people and arguing, hope your coming to mine, not hers on this day, that day. NO. When you have your baby, most of us just want to be left alone, in our lovely bubble of a house, shut off from evryone, apart from dh caring for you, and staring at your little treasure of a newborn. Try and focus on thta bit, and let all this other family nonsense, slip away.
Beleive me, it is for the best. You will thank us, later, for the perspective.

Oblomov · 13/10/2011 11:14

Sister sounds competely jealous and competititve. Don't even tell her that you are planning to come and show off baby. That will only highlight it for her and give her time to plan how to scupper that. Don't say a word. If baby comes and you feel up to it, just go. And then when you do steal her thunder , she won't have had time to plan on how to divert the limelight back to her. And this will nark her more than just anything else. Sweet !!

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