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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DSD's Mum has come back on the scene

32 replies

whatever117 · 12/10/2011 00:29

DSD is 23 and has been with me (only me) since she was 12. Her Mum has started coming back on the scene. DSD is conflicted, upset. My DS2 is DSD's half brother and DSD's mum tried to get him involved too, but I have said no.

DSD's mum hasn't been on the scene since she was 12 - I got her out of care and she has been alright with me since. Her Dad, DS2's Dad, left all of us when she was about 13 and he has only maintained a relationship with DS2 - not DSD. Basically I have been her only parent for 11 years.

She is her mum, I have never denied that, but I just think she is a bad influence and a bad person. Genuinely a nasty piece of work, she has walked out on 3 DDs.

I have more or less kept my mouth shut, just, keep away from my own 2 DSs and go steady with DSD.

OP posts:
hayleysd · 12/10/2011 00:46

You sound lovely and as if you've done your best for her, wish my step mum was like you.

Don't think there's much else you can do except be there for her when/if mum let's her down.

Original poster
whatever117 · 12/10/2011 01:03

hayley - I'm not sure I'm that lovely - it kind of feels like a birthfamily coming back on the scene. She is kind of related to DS2, therefore to DS1 too.

I think I will make it "tea at my house" - or is that too aggressive?

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 12/10/2011 01:07

As your stepdaughter is an adult, your hands are a bit tied really, but I can understand how frustrating it must be.

Does your SD have contact with her mothers other children?

BluddyMoFo · 12/10/2011 01:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
whatever117 · 12/10/2011 01:12

squeaky - yes, via facebook. She has connected with her other sisters.

But she has been with her brother (my DS2) since he was born and has a really strong bond with my own DS1.

She is an adult, but I don't want her mother in our lives - I know her and know that she has always been a nasty piece of work.

I have not said this to DSD, I have spoken to her father, DS2's father. He laughed and said "good luck mate".

OP posts:
PowderMum · 12/10/2011 13:08

Does she live with you?

Ghooooliuayelps · 12/10/2011 14:19

Sorry but she is 23, I think you should back off and let her make the decision.

Nancy66 · 12/10/2011 14:29

At 23 she's free to make her own decisions.

I can see how hurtful it must be for you - but not much you can do

SnapesMistress · 12/10/2011 14:33

How does your DSD feel about all this? Does she know your feelings wrt her mum? How does she feel about you?

rabbitfeet · 12/10/2011 17:03

This is such a horrible situation. I think you should just be there to support DSD and offer to help however you can... but I don't think you can really control this one.

How is her BM related to your son? DSD and your son have the same father but that's nothing to do with BM! Sorry if I am getting confused and this isn't what you're saying

RandomMess · 12/10/2011 17:08

I think you need to leave the decisions to your DSD, you need to support her in the "no matter what happens I think of you as my daughter and I will ALWAYS be here for you". I think it is reasonable for you to say to her that it's her Mum and you want distance between your ds' and her mum IYSWIM.

I assum DS1 is also an adult?

porcamiseria · 12/10/2011 17:15

wow you are a super step mum

look she will see for herself, stay strong xxx

Original poster
whatever117 · 21/10/2011 00:40

Sorry - it is confusing. I have 2 sons aged 21 and 12. The 21 year old is from a previous life and he has his own father. When my eldest son was 9 my youngest son was born and his father was made aware that his own daughter was in care. She was 12. We got her out of care. When she had been with us for 1 year and my/our youngest son was 1 he left and she (and obviously my own older boy) stayed with me.

To be fair, ex-dH tried to keep a relationship with my step-daughter (his daughter) but she had totally lost trust in him by this stage.

My ex-dH kept up a relationship with our own young son and tried with my own son (the older one) but the older ones kind of ganged up on him.

Looking at the above - it sounds so confusing, but all 3 kids just laugh about the mixingness of our family. Must say I am bloody tired though.

Anyway, I know she is an adult, I am scared of her mum in a way though as she genuinely is such a weird bitch.

I have kept my gob shut.

I think I will just sit back and wait, but I WILL excercise my right to keep her away from my house, my life and my own kids.

OP posts:
Original poster
whatever117 · 21/10/2011 02:36

RandonMess - DS1 is now nearly 21 - but DS2 is 12. DS2 is her half brother therefore that is where I see the chink in the armour. Maybe DS2 wants to have a look at his half-sister's mum.

God - that looks confusing again. DSD and DS1 are not related. DS2 is their half brother - through me to DS1 and through ex-dH to DSD.

No - doesn't look any less confusing! Sorry.

I have said to DD - meet her, if you want, go steady, come home. Don't bring her into our lives without talking to me.

OP posts:
lifechanger · 21/10/2011 06:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kunahero · 21/10/2011 06:49

just tried to understand your family and my head exploded (hgrin)

Have to agree with most of posters. DSD is an adult and is free to have a relationship with whoevers she wants. The fact that she is still in contact with you shows how much you mean to her and what a good job you must have done so far.

Stand back (difficult I know) and let her get on with it but just let her know you will be there to support her as and when she needs you.

YANBU to keep the toxic mother away from your house or ds.

Good luck

Original poster
whatever117 · 06/11/2011 00:57

DSD is back - she is in bits.

Her BM absolutely fucked with her brain, I am really cross. I knew she would. I feel like going and punching her face in. I have fucking raised her daughter.

She is such a weirdo, she always was. DSD is a lesbian, BM offered her to sleep with her current husband. They all got pissed and I don't know what happened. DD says there was a very big shit fight.

DD came back yesterday and wants back in "Mummy's (my) Bed". It's a treat and the "kids" (all of them) are only allowed in when they are sick or miserable. All my kids come in on a Saturday morning (including the 21 year old boy) with the dog and we watch telly and chat.

To try and explain again - I have 3 kids. I have given birth to the 2 boys who are aged 12 and 21. The 12 year old's half sister is my 24 year old step daughter who has grown up with me. Any better?

I am so cross - I have spent 12 years "repairing" her - and her F mother has done her perverted shit all over again and upset her. I feel like forbidding her to contact her again.

OP posts:
troisgarcons · 06/11/2011 08:00

Shes 23, you cant 'forbid' her to do anything. You can ask. You can councel her accordingly.

We have to make our own mistakes in life, thats part of the learning curve. So long as you have given her the emotionadepth and your own continued support, she'll realise very quickly that her BM is a fruitcake and a dangerous one at that.

ripstheirthroatoutliveupstairs · 06/11/2011 08:37

Really?

squeakytoy · 06/11/2011 08:49

All my kids come in on a Saturday morning (including the 21 year old boy)

now that ^^^ is weird......

A 21yo is NOT a boy....

You cannot order a 24yo woman to do things either...

MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll · 06/11/2011 08:58

I see you're not a 1st time poster which going by the comments you've made about your adult children"kids" sharing your bed I thought you were......its wrong you must know that, to share a bed with grown DC.

You ave obviously been caring for your DSD far more than her Mother b ut your relationships with the grown kids sounds unhealthy.

troisgarcons · 06/11/2011 09:06

Nope. Me n' the Husband have just discussed this. It's not 'unhealthy' to all sit on a bed and chat together. Cant personally say I fancy my smelly urchins pitching up for a chat en mass, but each to their own. My 11yo sometimes comes in for a late night chat.

And I cant see anything wrong with two women sharing a bed either.

Honestly, some people will just look for absurdities where ever they can find them.

mummytime · 06/11/2011 09:14

I would suggest that you find out some place your DSD can go for counselling, mainly so she can talk to another adult who isn't part of the family about everything. Especially important if she is going to have any more contact with her birth mother. She needs to be able to seak to someone about what happens, and have her feelings validated, and know that she is not a bad person for having such a mother or not liking some of the things her BM does. Unfortunately you are too close to really do this.

Original poster
whatever117 · 14/11/2011 01:24

There is nothing "saucy" going on - just we all watch a DVD or something. Actually DS1 has not joined in "en famille" for a few years - but he does hop in now and then and we have a chat. They all just love my bed and all of them hop in for a chat now and then.

Our happiest times are if DS1 cooks some bacon sarnies and brings them up for everyone and we all get it "Mum bed" and chat. With the dog.

OP posts:
NorfolkNChance · 14/11/2011 09:02

I'm 29, married with a DD and I still go into my parents bed in the morning if we are staying with them for a chat and cup of tea so nothing weird there.

OP you sound like a wonderful mother and I hope you can continue to help your DSD through this

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