DSD's Mum has come back on the scene

[whatever117]

DSD is 23 and has been with me (only me) since she was 12. Her Mum has started coming back on the scene. DSD is conflicted, upset. My DS2 is DSD's half brother and DSD's mum tried to get him involved too, but I have said no.

DSD's mum hasn't been on the scene since she was 12 - I got her out of care and she has been alright with me since. Her Dad, DS2's Dad, left all of us when she was about 13 and he has only maintained a relationship with DS2 - not DSD. Basically I have been her only parent for 11 years.

She is her mum, I have never denied that, but I just think she is a bad influence and a bad person. Genuinely a nasty piece of work, she has walked out on 3 DDs.

I have more or less kept my mouth shut, just, keep away from my own 2 DSs and go steady with DSD.

@ Whatever - I understand how frustrated you must be. You have put a lot of work into DSD and naturally want to protect her. However, you must also understand that, although I am sure your DSD appreciates what you did for her and loves you, there will always be some kind of pull from birth family. She may have questions about what happened (from BM's point of view), she may be curious, she may be confused about her feelings about BM.

Firstly, you should realise that this is seperate from you and she is not seeking contact to BM because of you.

Secondly, as others have said, you cannot keep her away from BM or forbid her to go. The only thing you can do is talk to DSD and educate her. Tell her that you support her if she wants to get to know BM and that you will be there for you if things go wrong. And then you need to give her the tools to deal with BM.

DSD needs to understand that not all mothers are cut out to be mothers. That her mother leaving her has nothing to do with DSD personally. And that DSD needs to set boundaries within the new relationship. Talk with DSD about what actions and words on behalf of BM would be acceptible and what not and what she can do if these boundaries are crossed. Explain what a 'normal' mother / daughter relationship would / could like and if any weird shit is going on, that she has the right and actually must protect herself. Tell her all this in a non-judgemental way.

In the relationship section there are also books kicking about about toxic parents etc and as others have said, I would also suggest DSD to get some counselling.

I understand why you needed to protect her from her mother's awfulness when she was younger.

But she's an adult now, so different tools are needed. She needs to start to feel OK about having a toxic mother and feel it doesn't reflect on her as a person. I'm sure if you popped over to the Stately Homes thread they'd recommend a good book for her to read?

No matter what age you are, 5 or 45, when it comes to 'barely there' parents, emotions do tend to take over and they will need support from those who love them.

As long as she knows you will always be there for her, offer a shoulder to cry on and objective advice, she will be able to walk the path she wants. She may decide she doesn't want a relationship if her mother carries on being such a negative influence. But if she does, make sure you let her know you will be there regardless of her decision.

You have been there for her at such an important part of her life and I doubt she will ever forget that.

None of you would kick your kids out of bed if they were crying and needed some "mum hug". There's zero sexual about it.

Thank you - we really have nothing "going on" just we all like to snug in in my bed and chat on a Saturday. If anyone is unhappy they have a place in "mum bed" - I can't say I like it - but the kids know they can chat with me.

DSD is super unhappy about her BM - I want her in my bed just to make sure she is OK, even though she is 24.

You sound like a good person, it is great your sd had you to care for her.

Doesn't sound like in anyones best interest for your sd to try and have a relationship with her bm. Not at this time anyways.

My kids(ds's) are adults and a couple of years ago, I was bed ridden for most of a summer. For months they and their girl friends would visit me in my room. They would not be in the bed, but they would sit on it, and chat and watch tv with me, watch youtube and play mandala. I would have been pretty lonely without my kids. Nothing wrong with the daughter having a sleepover with her mum (I mean you, bot the bm).

I'm 26 and if I pop round my mums early on a Sunday morning and she's watching television in bed I hop in too. So do my two kids.

I think it's very sad that some people are about it tbh