to be upset at pils even though they are trying to be nice?

[Moulesfrites]

think I am being a little irrational here so probably just need a talking to but this has really upset me...

My ds is 8mo. He is ebf, I feed him to sleep at night and he still has a couple of night feeds (at least). He has taken ebm from a bottle but the last time was about 4 months ago as I hate expressing, and he takes water, very reluctatntly, from a doidy cup. I have been on 3/4 nightys out with friends and have left the emb with dh, and dh has been out once or twice too (he is not really fussed about going out tbh) but we have not been out for an evening meal together since ds was born, which we used to do all the time. This doesn't really bother us - we were together for 10 years before ds and did plenty of posh meals and weekends away etc in this time. We have also been on a couple of lovely self catering holidays since ds came with family and friends when everyone has helped with the cooking (including my brother who is a chef), so we do not feel that we have missed out on eating out, socially or gastronomically!!

Anyway, all my mil has done since ds was born has harped on about how she would like to has ds overnight. she mentions it everytime I see her. Last time she was saying that she would like to get dh and I a weekend away for Xmas so that they could have ds, as "hopefully you will have stopped bf by then". She keeps saying "It's such a shame he isn't sleeping through yet or we could have him". I don't really want them to "have him" and I feel they are putting pressure on me to do something I am not yet comfortable with. It is clear from her frequent eye rolling, tutting and head shaking that shje disapproves of the fact that I am still bf and that ds doesn't sleep through. This could be influenced by the fact that she has had both of her granddaughters stay from being just a few weeks old (both ff and great sleepers).

I also am a bit sensitive about her having him, becuase on the first night we came home from hospital with ds, she and fil stayed at our house. It was a generally awful experience. There dog was there sniffing at my lochia, they had cooked coq au vin and we had to eat it at the dining table while 3 day old ds was in his carry cot in another room so the dog couldnt get to him. I really think my first night home should have involved me sitting on the sofa with a slice of pizza in one hand and ds in the other, and still feel resentful about this! To top it all off, that night ds was crying and SHE CAME INTO OUR BEDROOM AND TOOK HIM AWAY!! I have never quite got over this. It has meant whenever they have stayed since or we stayed there, I just don't sleep as I worry she is going to come in again. Also, it has probably contributed to ds being a crap sleeper as I feed him at the slightest peek for fear she will come in and take him off me again! (I do realise this makes me sound crazy!)

Anyway, what has upset me today is that dh rang to say that his fil had been on the phone and they have bought us 2 tickets to see a play on Friday night and booked us a bar meal at a nearby pub, and told dh they are coming to look after ds. I know they think this is a kind gesture, but it got me really upset. I feel that when we do decide to go out and leave ds I want it to be our decision when to do it, not forced upon me by them. I was trying to explain this to dh but it just came out as an incoherent rant and me saying "how dare they presume to decide what kind of play I will like or which pub to go to!". He has now said he will ring and tell then I don't want to go, and I know they will think I am an ungrateful and possessive cow. AIBU to have reacted in this way??

I don't really get this obsession with having babies to stay overnight. Aren't they much more fun/interesting during the day? Especially a baby that doesn't even sleep through!

My ILs were also very keen to get me and DP to go out and leave them with the baby. When she was two weeks old they came to stay (with another relative, not with us thankfully) and kept ordering us to go out, "you must be dying for a night out and a few drinks!" No, actually - we didn't have a baby so that at the first opportunity we could escape from her! Like the OP, I had many years of nights/dinners out/partying etc, and was very happy to stay at home with the baby for her first precious few weeks.

YANBU, OP - I don't think your MIL had your best interests at heart when she bought theatre tickets!

Jaggy what your fil is conveniently forgetting is that when his dc were that age his wife would probably still have been in hospital and with nearly another week to stay in... There would have been incredibly strict controls on visitors (maybe not quite so strict for the dad but certainly for the gps and friends). And he wouldn't have dreamt of dragging his wife out for meal at that point I bet...

I think that I´d have to say thanks but no thanks, & when you want an evening out you´ll organise it yourselves.

Also, if they´re an hr away they want to stay over & maybe spend most of the next day?

Sounds as if a babysitter might be better when you want to go out anyway.

ZipZap that is genius!

I was thinking how I'd feel if someone did this to me without the babysitting part. I mean if they said "I've got you a present! I've booked tickets for you at a play next Friday and reserved a table at this restaurant".

If they were very good friends and had judged my taste in theatre and food well, I might be delighted. But prob not cos I'm completely knackered at the moment and dh is working long hours and it would feel like a chore to have to go, and another chore to have to feel grateful. And the chances are the play and food wouldn't be what I'd have chosen and I'd feel a little walked over. Like my choices/wants weren't as good as the gift-givers.

It's not the kind of thing you want someone to organise for you, is it? When a night out is that rare, you really want to be able to choose what you do with it.

just say thanks but no thanks. I have a BF baby too and would only arrange things on my terms.

Hey OP, if they still stay over from time to time, why not invest in a lock for your bedroom door, and lock it when they sleep over?

And maybe also let your MIL know that you are giving baby a cance to settle by self, so that each little wimper is not reacted to at night time, so she is not to worry...

The pressure is coming from the PILs trying to drive the speed at which your baby becomes less dependent on you, and that is inappropriate.

They have no business to be tutting about breast feeding, and the only response to the sleeping issues should be 'is there anything we can do to help?' and 'as soon as it's possible for us to babysit for an hour or two, just let us know and we'll be more than happy to help'.

Try and explain this clearly to your DH. How can you fail to feel pressured, judged and colonised when their proposed actions clearly direct your life!

'OR....controversial view here...you COULD just express some milk and take her up on her offer of a night out???'

Agree with pictish.

Please don't treat your MIL as your enemy. She sounds a bit over-keen and for every interpretation you have made another, different, one could also be made. It's not always easy to think clearly when you have a new baby and (in my experience) you are breastfeeding - I know I was so tired I couldn't think straight.

The more people who love your child, the happier and safer the child will be. Your MIL is your husband's mother - of course she will love your child. Of course she'll want to spend time with your child. The thing is that when the parents are there, the child obviously prefers them - this is why they want to spend time with the child alone.

They are being kind offering you a meal out and theatre tickets. Of course the advantage to them is that they look after the baby. Wouldn't you prefer a MIL who was mad about your child, rather than some of the monsters you read about on this site?

If all she is doing is loving your baby, she's fine.

Since birth she's been pushing to get your child to stay over and inviting herself to stay when you only live an hour away.

For some people a break from the baby and a night out would be lovely. For someone who is breast feeding, can't express and has made it clear that they don't want a break this isn't a kind, considerate thing she's done. It's an attempt to force your hand.

ZipZap's idea is indeed genius.

I can't believe that you're letting your behaviour be influenced by what she did to you when your baby was three days old though. It was so out of line and should have been dealt with then, either by serious words about boundaries and a ban on them staying or a lock on your bedroom door.

You need to be firm about this. Your child is not going to be staying over because you don't want him to. The constant pressure to stop BF and get him to sleep through all so she can have him over is ridiculous. You and your DH need to present a united front.

She doesn't want a night out!

She has said, 'He has taken ebm from a bottle but the last time was about 4 months ago as I hate expressing, and he takes water, very reluctatntly, from a doidy cup.'

Why should she be forced to do something she hates doing just to go on a night out she doesn't want organised by someone deliberately to force her to let them have her DS???

Well to me, MIL doesn´t seem to be treating OP & her husband as adults.

Wants to get them a w/end away?

Maybe they´d like a w/end away with their child!

She seems to be making decisions without asking OP & solely based on what she wants.

When they visit, perhaps OP & her husband would just like to go out for an hr or so together, or a lunch.

Not everyone wants long evenings out/baby having overnights!

Good point diddl - DMIL has babysat for DS when we've been out for lunch, and that has worked well for us. Also, it's enabled us all to realise that she probably couldn't cope with our typical toddler for more than a couple of hours by herself.

We really like a short outing occasionally, but no more than that, and certainly not a big night out.

Blimey, there's an awful lot of emotive negative language being bandied about with regards to this MIL and a lot of assumptions are being made on the back of the opening post.

Some of you are making her sound like Cruella De Ville. She may be a tad overpowering, but too many of you sound like really difficult DIL's

Nope Moth, it's just hard when parents or PIL wont listen. If we don't want to go out and leave DC, why should we so they get a shot at babysitting?

Gosh I remember this MIL from previous threads.
My default position on MILs usually is to defend them, because mine was an absolute sweetheart. She would never impose, but help out when asked/needed in a low-key non-fussy way. I don't think I ever had a problem leaving either of my babies with her, even in the early days. In fact I got both of mine to take bottles from a few weeks (as well as BFing) so we had some flexibility.

BUT, the point is, you DO have a problem leaving yours. You don't want to, and that is totally your right. In your shoes I would also have been traumatised if someone I wasn't comfortable with had entered my room in the middle of the night. Pisses me off even now when my own mother waltzes in barely knocking with a cup of tea "for a chat" in the mornings. My space: do not invade, even DH!

I reckon you'll find you'll use this as a reason to continue breastfeeding for months/years to come. Even if otherwise you'd have chosen to stop. And you'll continue to feel twitchy and stressed about it as you will connect stopping with her whisking him away. Therefore you MUST tell her (or get DH to) that there will be no overnight stays even when he's no longer BFing or waking in the night. Then you might be able to relax a little.

And skip the theatre trip. Be gracious about it though. I wouldn't fancy that as a treat even without this backstory. I prefer to choose my own plays to watch.

I don't think they are trying to be nice actually. I think they are trying to emotionally blackmail you into letting them babysit.

That's not nice, it's horrible.

Agreed, but in this case, it sounds like OP hasn't really sat and told her PIL's how she feels and is just simmering in anger at the very suggestion of them wanting to do something for them. These people aren't mind readers - how are they meant to know that they've over stepped the mark?

A lot of you are giving the impression that these people are wanting to push you as Mum's out of the picture, just so that they can 'get a shot at babysitting'. I've no doubt that there are some horrors of IL's out there, but without more info, OP's IL's could be just wanting to help. Goodness knows our parents and IL's know better than some of us, how stressful and tiring parenthood is. So what if they want to help? You'd think they're wanting to bump you off and adopt your children the way some of you are reacting

Your baby.

Your decision.

End of.

OP I really feel for you, my MIL lost the plot when I had DS1 (though not to the extent that yours did) and it took me years to forgive her.

As others have said I think you need to be very clear that you will not let DS stay with her for a good few years. DH and I left my DS1 overnight with my lovely SIL when he was 18 months and it was too soon for us.

However, I think I would take the long view and go out this time, while being absolutely firm that DS won't be staying with them. You will have to get DH to find a way of saying that you do not want to be emotionally blackmailed surprised like this in the future.

It's a tricky one, I feel for you.

Of course YANBU and of course you shouldn't go for the night out. But it's up to your DH to tell them, not you.

I'd be trying to get him to explain somehow that, while you appreciate the gesture (even though you don't), and you understand that plenty of parents would kill for someone to babysit while they went out, it's just not your way.

the trip is veiled as a present to make u happy but the real issue is this if u knock back the gift u become an ungrateful daughter in law who they were only trying to help. ergo mil wins. or u go on the trip. ergo mil wins. she's crafty. my thought is this say you are not able to accept as your baby doesn't settle in the arms of a stranger. that will really wind her up. more so if it rings true. also i bf my kids and bottle fed ebm. i never let them do sleep overs as i didn't want to let them they're mine and i want them with me. but luckily my mil doesn't bother with my kids so this is a problem i haven't encountered.

YANBU but your DH shouldn't ring saying moulesfrites doesn't want to go - he should say you both don't want to go - so they can't try and blame you.

I had a similarish situation except that FIL booked a meal and theatre for us and them, an hour away from home - forgetting all about 9 month old DS!! (needless to say we didn't go, but fortunately they didn't take offence)

Do try and decline in as friendly a way as possible though - you want as good a relationship with them as possible

well dh got home and we talked about it some more. I told him I felt strongly that if we are to go out we do it on our own terms. He has told his mum that we wont be going out on Friday. As a compromise, it is both of our birthdays coming up in a month or so, so we have said we will try and go somewhere for a nice lunch and they could watch ds for a few hours during the day (when, after all, he is a lot more fun and interesting).

Thank you for all the advice - I realise I should appreciate that they love ds and want to be involved, I just think the way they have gone about it is clumsy. I will heed the advice not to birn bridges as perhaps dh and I will want a night out st some point, but i do not anticipate this being for a while yet!

*burn